would you have married this man

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I am about to be divorced. DH is an alcoholic. I knew he drank a lot, but didn't know he was a secret drinker. It is for the best, and I am calm and positive about the divorce. However, I have been wondering about two incidents that took place while we engaged. Can you help me to process them? 1 When we were engaged in sexting-type activity, he started to record a video of me without my consent. I spotted it pretty soon, and he deleted it and it never happened again. 2 I found the search "teen pussy" on his phone. I tackled him about this, at first he was defensive, then he apologised, and, as far as I know, it didn't happen again. I know it's a long time ago now, but for some reason I am thinking about these incidents a lot. They have nothing to do with the alcoholism, but were they massive red flags? The two incidents caused a lot of upset and drama, but I never thought of leaving him because of them. Should I have? What would you have done? Thank you. And apologies as MN has no paragraphs today!

I'm not going to try it but if you search for teenage porn do you really get 18-19 yos or if you do (to make it legal) do they look 18-19?

I think this is a red herring in a way. I would be deeply upset if someone did those things. But if they never did them again I would not end a relationship if I loved them. Perhaps I should, but when you’re in love with someone things are very different. I presume there is more than just the drinking, I mean his behaviour when drinking? I don’t think you should be hard on yourself, many people would have done the same as you. Being in love skews you a bit. And no one makes the same choices as everyone else would on the outside.

I think I'd be the same as you OP. I doubt I'd have finished a good relationship for either of the two incidents you describe - but I'd be kicking myself afterwards if it all went wrong. FWIW I think my boundaries / standards are pretty good (I have a lovely DH, anyway).

not dealbreakers for me, if i was young, in love and it was a one off, even though they should be... don't be too hard on yourself OP

It was the secret drinking, and the lying about it, and his behaviour in public and at home that finished us off. The falling down and the wetting the bed and the stupid round and round conversations and the breaking things accidentally. Me always having to be the driver, him falling asleep drunk in the passenger seat, snoring, and asleep and snoring at friends' houses and on EVERY single family occasion. However I sometimes wonder if I behaved "normally" in letting the other two incidents go. because they only happened once and because I did love him. At least I think I did. Hence my post.

The porn, wouldn’t bother me. The recording without my consent? Holy crap! No way would I have been able to go forward with marrying someone who’d do that to me.

Sorry, it was a lot worse than that. That was the less dark side of his drinking.

Yes, I can imagine. I hope there are no more secrets to come out. It will take some getting over, and possibly for your DD too. I'm glad you're now in a better place, OP, and wish you and your DD all the best for a happier future.

I'm not going to try it but if you search for teenage porn do you really get 18-19 yos or if you do (to make it legal) do they look 18-19?
You get 18-19 year olds and some 20-24 year olds who look a little younger. You won't get illicit underage porn just from a casual search like that. The internet has had a lot of that cleaned up over the past few years.

What Shoxfirdian said, with bells on.

Shoxfordian

There's no point giving yourself a hard time- we all make mistakes, and most of us will breeze past red flags if we're in love. Both the issues you've brought up though show extreme immaturity and disrespect for women. At least you know now what you won't settle for.