Does DH want to force me to end our marriage?

[sportsdirectmug]

DH and I have been together since we were 18. We both had neglectful childhoods with controlling aggressive fathers. My DM had far too many children, his drank. We have been together 25 years and the first 15 were happy. DH has suffered depression and been medicated for the last 10 years. He is morose and self obsessed. He works hard (we have a small farm) but is always angry and resentful. DC will not help him with anything, he calls them names and has odd expectations. He has cut himself off from everyone except me and DC.

I booked a holiday at Xmas and told him he couldn't come unless he bucked his ideas up but I caved in and let him come as it would have upset DC. He didn't speak to me at all, refused to be an 'active' participant in the holiday. We have been home 3 weeks in which time he has stopped making eye contact with me. He refuses to speak to me and blanks me but denies this if I confront him.

He doesn't seem interested in a physical relationship at all, and avoids contact. I think he would want to have sex if he could just grope me in the dark and then have sex, but I cannot do that. He tried to establish this pattern years ago but I refused and said if he wanted to have sex, he had to talk to me and kiss/cuddle me etc. He has never taken me out, or away for the night, or cooked a special meal or run me a bath or anything. I used to do these things for him but stopped due to lack of any repricoity.

He spent all day yesterday furious, swearing, name calling and tell me that he 'never does anything' he 'want to'. I pointed out that in the last 2 weeks he had been to a music concert with DS, a comedy night with me and spent time playing on the games console/watching films with DC. I pointed out he had a premier ship football match to attend in the next month with DS, I cooked the meal he requested for lunch yesterday and got his favourite take away on Friday night. I asked what he wanted to do, and suggested he made some plans. This made him even more angry. He refused to explain why he was angry with me.

I try and keep myself looking nice, I am a size 10, look after my skin and hair and keep relatively fit. One issue is that I have been prescribed long term antibiotics which make my stomach sore and apparently I fart in a 'disgusting' way when I am asleep, but I can't help it and everyone farts in their sleep sometimes don't they?

I have a degenerative illness and am very aware that my body will soon start to restrict me, I feel a burning desire to enjoy life and not be trapped in his negative mindset. Everything I have tried over the years has failed, I know I cannot make him happy, but he is making me miserable.

He says he wants things to work, but I feel he is pushing me to end the marriage and make me the 'bad guy'. I have co dependency issues due to my child hood.

I want my marriage to work, I want him to love me. I think he loves me as much as he can love anyone but maybe he just isn't capable. When I look back at my life, how little he has contributed and how little happiness he has brought me I don't know what I am doing.

I feel very alone and would appreciate advice.

Oh sports

Did you manage to source that book?

The social network doesn't mean you have to talk about him ... but it's so you can have something for yourself. Something that gives you happiness ...until you decide whether you'll stay in the marriage or not.

I don’t think your fears are unusual OP. I think anyone choosing to leave a significant relationship would share those fears. I know I do. During the day I feel strong & think I can do this but then at night I wobble & feel like I can’t. I haven’t even started the big conversation yet. I’m trying to get my ducks in a row as my DH is likely to react with anger when I tell him I think we should separate. It’s all so hard. Sending hugs to you

I have ordered the book thanks you
Thanks for all the kindness and comments.
I couldn’t sleep last night so I feel dreadful this morning :(
He brought me tea me toast in bed and now I’m wondering if I’m making it all up. I know I am not, not everything is so confusing.

No you are absolutely not making it up. What he is showing you now is the "nice part" of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. It is only a matter of time before he turns nasty. I would think your dad did similar with your mum too. They were not good parents to you when you were growing up and both taught you many damaging lessons on relationships.

Your H will in all likelihood react very badly when you eventually tell him you want out but that is a given in any case due to his abusive nature. Your H I maintain is a very similar version of your dad and your childhood led you into meeting someone like this man now.

Your children love you, you are not alone here but being in an abusive relationship will make you feel very alone indeed.

A few things: can you get counselling for yourself so can talk these things through in a safe space.
Your children are at a vunerable age going into their teens and your ds could suddenly get very angry at having to witness this behaviour from his dad.Teen boys and dads often clash so this could become a whole new area of stress for you.
I couldn't see if your dh was on medication for depression . If not he definitely should be.
No one is responsible for anyone killing themselves as people have their own freedom and choice. I know it would be truamatic but not your fault and we cannot live our lives afraid of some one killing themselves.
My dh has bipolar diagnosed in his 50s but he actively engages in life/ holidays etc. But if he wasn't on medication l would be gone as his behaviour was unpredictable and exhausting for me. But l can identify with that fear of being alone. Leaving my dh for a while broke that in me as l saw l could manage and gave me a great feeling of strength. I knew then that if my dh refused to seek help l could go it alone so that really empowered me in the relationship ..if that makes sense. Counselling helped with a lot with this.
I think your health would improve as your stomach is reacting to the pain and rejection.

I read your fears. Fear keeps people in abusive relationships. All these fears of yours are really unfounded and are mired in codependency (particularly your comments about your fear that he would kill himself. I maintain he is not likely to do so).

Someone, most likely one of your parents (mother) taught you how to be codependent and act that out in relationships. You were never really properly loved by either of them; what you were shown was power and control which are at the heart of abuse. I doubt very much that your children hate you at all but perhaps wonder of you why you do not break free of their hateful father. You are only responsible for your own actions, not your H's nor anyone else's. He like you was from a dysfunctional and abusive relationship; your relationship is really you two in a both dysfunctional and abusive relationship. The only good thing to have come out of this relationship with each other are your two children. He has simply used you to further drag you and in turn your kids down with him.

You have a choice here still re this man, your children do not. You do not have to be dragged down with him. And please under no circumstances show him this thread, you need a safe outlet at this time.