Does DH want to force me to end our marriage?

[sportsdirectmug]

DH and I have been together since we were 18. We both had neglectful childhoods with controlling aggressive fathers. My DM had far too many children, his drank. We have been together 25 years and the first 15 were happy. DH has suffered depression and been medicated for the last 10 years. He is morose and self obsessed. He works hard (we have a small farm) but is always angry and resentful. DC will not help him with anything, he calls them names and has odd expectations. He has cut himself off from everyone except me and DC.

I booked a holiday at Xmas and told him he couldn't come unless he bucked his ideas up but I caved in and let him come as it would have upset DC. He didn't speak to me at all, refused to be an 'active' participant in the holiday. We have been home 3 weeks in which time he has stopped making eye contact with me. He refuses to speak to me and blanks me but denies this if I confront him.

He doesn't seem interested in a physical relationship at all, and avoids contact. I think he would want to have sex if he could just grope me in the dark and then have sex, but I cannot do that. He tried to establish this pattern years ago but I refused and said if he wanted to have sex, he had to talk to me and kiss/cuddle me etc. He has never taken me out, or away for the night, or cooked a special meal or run me a bath or anything. I used to do these things for him but stopped due to lack of any repricoity.

He spent all day yesterday furious, swearing, name calling and tell me that he 'never does anything' he 'want to'. I pointed out that in the last 2 weeks he had been to a music concert with DS, a comedy night with me and spent time playing on the games console/watching films with DC. I pointed out he had a premier ship football match to attend in the next month with DS, I cooked the meal he requested for lunch yesterday and got his favourite take away on Friday night. I asked what he wanted to do, and suggested he made some plans. This made him even more angry. He refused to explain why he was angry with me.

I try and keep myself looking nice, I am a size 10, look after my skin and hair and keep relatively fit. One issue is that I have been prescribed long term antibiotics which make my stomach sore and apparently I fart in a 'disgusting' way when I am asleep, but I can't help it and everyone farts in their sleep sometimes don't they?

I have a degenerative illness and am very aware that my body will soon start to restrict me, I feel a burning desire to enjoy life and not be trapped in his negative mindset. Everything I have tried over the years has failed, I know I cannot make him happy, but he is making me miserable.

He says he wants things to work, but I feel he is pushing me to end the marriage and make me the 'bad guy'. I have co dependency issues due to my child hood.

I want my marriage to work, I want him to love me. I think he loves me as much as he can love anyone but maybe he just isn't capable. When I look back at my life, how little he has contributed and how little happiness he has brought me I don't know what I am doing.

I feel very alone and would appreciate advice.

sports please read depression fallout it’s a brilliant book onnwhat happens to a family/spouse when their partner has depression. It was a real light bulb moment for me. Both of my parents have depression (split up) but my father sounds like your husband. He never used to be like this. I don’t know if it’s the depression or if the depression fundamentally changed him so much this is who he is now. I feel so sorry sorry for his wife, she won’t leave as she says she is too old. My dad doesn’t want to leave but he blames every thing every person why his life is so shit (it really isn’t) but most of all he really focuses on her, he really thinks she causes most of it. She is lovely and deserves better. Read the book

Thanks so much for the advice. I know you are all right. It is me, I have always just wanted him to get better and change and want us to be happy. I am off to buy that book and google the links. Thank you.

I can see so much truth in what you are all saying, its very hard to hear.

Really your life is far too precious and short to spend another minute suffering like this. And it is suffering because what you have described is a full on abusive relationship. You can't carry him any longer. Line up your finances and your future and call it a day. Another decade like this and your life will feel worthless. Esp if you have an illness, you will need support, gentle care and compassion as you age, and not the aggression and anger you have described. He may well have had a difficult childhood (many of us have) that does not excuse him for continuing to hurt others. Leave and find your joy.

He won't change, he will never change. He has had twenty five years to change and hasn't. Be strong and be your own best friend from now. Would you allow your child to be treated this way? No, of course not, so why is it good enough for you?

Finances are fine, I am the main earner and also the main carer for the children. I am dependant on the security of having him there. I left home very damaged and we moved in together almost immediately, I have never been alone and feel frightened. He is holding his misery over me like a threat and making me anxious and scared all the time. He isn't a bad person but his behaviour is poor at the moment and he says he cant help it.

When I look back at my life, how little he has contributed and how little happiness he has brought me I don't know what I am doing. Oh OP, it's time to separate. He's sucking all the joy out of you and acting like he hates you. He's supposed to love you! This is more than depression - you can't blame depression for this. He needs to take responsibility for his own mental health. And you are responsible for yours. You and the dc would be better off without him.

Sports it’s hard isn’t it. I can’t understand why my step mother never left. I think she was always hoping the old person she married would come back as he was very funny but for about ten years now he has ground her down till they are both on medication.

He frustrates me so much. He can help it to a degree as when he is doing something he wants he is ok, but then reverts back to sucking the life out of everything. My SM even tried to go away for a week with her dd to have a break from him, he know she wanted a break from but my dad just turned up uninvited and sat there smoking, slumped in the chair, only happy when he was moaning or pulling some one to pieces. It’s like his whole soul has been replaced with bitterness.

Good look with the book. Have a read. It will give you food for thought

If you won't leave for yourself, please leave for your children. He will be warping their lives more and more every day they spend with him. And childhoods cast long shadows, as you know yourself.

DC are both getting frustrated with him now. They are really good kids, hard working, kind, do a lot for us etc but he only see the negative and shouts at them for nothing all the time. I am always stuck in the middle trying to calm everyone down.

I'm finding this thread really hard. Sorry I am not reply to individual comments - I am so grateful, but I am struggling to read it. Sorry

Can I offer a new way to think about the relationship? You know how children develop ways to cope with trauma that enable them to survive, but as they grow up, the coping mechanism becomes a problem (maladaptive)?

I think that’s happened with your relationship. You both needed each other to get away from your unhappy childhoods, but the way the relationship needed to be for that to happen is no longer a good thing but actually harming you both.

He is dealing with it by becoming abusive and depressed, but you have matured enough to see how dysfunctional it is. It sounds to me like you both need to be apart for a while at least. It may be that you can come together again once you have learned to be independent adults, or (more likely) you will come to realise you no longer love each other.

This doesn’t make you bad people or your marriage a failure. It just means that your relationship is no longer the life belt that it was, because now you’re on dry land.

Let him go and work out his unhappiness for himself. You are responsible for yourself and your children, but not for him. That’s the only way a good adult relationship works.

Gosh that is hard to read, thanks. That is true. I can’t stop crying.

I was in a situation not so different to what you've described. I spent years trying to "fix" the problems, trying to engage in reasonable conversation, suggested counselling etc. I got absolutely nowhere. The blanking thing is horrible and really got to me, it's a cruel way to treat someone, please don't put up with this, you deserve so so much better. After a lot of therapy and with a bit of distance I realised that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change the situation. Men who act like this aren't going to wake up and start being pleasant and courteous one day. He has issues and he's clearly not prepared to admit it or do anything about it. I'm so sorry to hear about your health problems, please don't waste the time you have whilst you'll be at your best with a jerk like this. You really do deserve so much more

Fast forward a decade or two imagine your children on here describing their parents relationship and how it has messed them up. Because it may be messing them up. You have risen above a rotten childhood, your OH has not. What do you want your children to remember?

Ds is 15 and DD is 13. They are remarkable people. I thinking about what they are going to miss out on if I continue and it is what has 'woken' me up. Also, when we were on holiday it suddenly hit me very hard that they were fulfilling the 'partner' role by chatting to me, showing an interest in my book, asking what I fancied for dinner, taking my hand and skipping into the waves when we were walking on the beach etc. DS even offered to dance with me when they were playing a song I really love and they were trying to encourage people to get up. DH is just zoned out/thinking about himself etc.

He does talk to me but about absolutely trivial nonsense - what's on the TV, a story in the paper etc. A pet of mine died today and I realise that I am dreading his reaction, blame and lack of care about me more than I am actually sad about the pet (it was an expected event).

It's really fucked up, I know. Why haven't i left? I am scared. What will I do? I don't know. I miss him, but the old him, the person I knew 15 years ago :(

What are you scared of?. Perhaps if you can articulate those here, then these can be discussed further. Fear of him, money worries and fear of the unknown are three of many reasons why women stay in relationships that should have ended many years earlier.

What do you get out of this still?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here from seeing this example?Your own codependency stemming from your childhood continues to play a role here and your children are almost certainly learning very harmful lessons about relationships from the two of you. Your children for one thing could become codependent themselves or end up in codependent or otherwise abusive relationships.

You met him when you were but 18 yourself and had no real life experience behind you. You had no idea then what a mutually respectful relationship was because no-one had ever bothered to show you what one of those is like. Your childhood really well and truly set you up into having a relationship with someone abusive and this man is really another version of your dad.

My fears are embarrassing. I am scared I will be alone for ever, I a scared I am a terrible person and no one else could love me, I am scared my children will hate me, I am scared he will kill himself and it will be my fault for ever, I am scared DC will find out I sometimes sit in the car and smoke a roll up at midnight, I am scared of being alone, I am scared I'll get sick and be all alone, I am scared I don't know how to behave without him. I am scared that I will have no physical help in the house. I feel terrified of everything and being alone.

You are right thou. I know you are

I just wanted to say you have wonderful kids to do that my DS 17 sounds more like your husband. They are kind and compassionate to see whats missing for you. My advice would be to show him this thread and say thay is how you make me feel and what others think of you and then ask him outright if hes trying to make you leave. Has hw had counselling for the depression ans his childhood. Have you both its never too late nothing excuses a persons behaviour as they make a choice to behave that way but still it can help

With regard to your worries about your illness...

I was with a troubled and abusive man. I put so much energy into trying to help him get better. At the time I didn't see him as abusive - just troubled.
The energy I put into helping him and coping with his abuse was immense.
Once he left I had so much more energy.
I have fibromyalgia and it improved immediately.
I was able to go on walks which vastly improved my health.
I could eventually imagine all sorts of ways to help myself.
Now I go swimming, make myself a hot water bottle if I need one, make a nice herbal tea. All the things I used to do for him to try and get him not to treat me so badly.

When I do them for myself they make a real difference.

And I model reciprocal caring with my children. We do nice things for one another.

Even though I'm still ill I have so much more imagination to develop coping strategies.

But I also keep fairly well compared to how I used to.

If you have a progressive illness that won't play out in the same way but it might stave off worsening symptoms.

Mental wellbeing can have a big effect on physical health.

I'm so sorry about your pet x

Leave him. Why stay with someone who makes you miserable.
He will be miserable either way by the sounds of it but you can be happy.

Relationships don't have to last forever to be worthwhile.

You don't have to live the future all in one go; one day at a time. Not even the worst days of our lives involve everything we fear all at once.

Sportsdirect - but you are alone honey you just need to see that.

You are two desperately lonely people under the same roof.

Relationships don't have to last forever to be worthwhile.

That has hit home. I feel like if we separate my entire life has been a lie and I will never have been loved by anyone, ever.

I found a diary from when I was 15 about 6 months ago, and it was just page after page of "Please can I meet someone who will love me". I feel utterly heartbroken.

Sorry I am a not communicating well.