Why does she do that?

[codependencyco]

Can you help me understand my DM's behavior towards me?

Since I've become older and more independent I've noticed this thing DM does and it's not very nice. It's usually when I talk about goals/achievements, also my DH.

When I decided to go into teaching (I'd spent years not knowing what to do professionally and feeling lost) I proudly told her and her response was (disappointed face) "well I suppose that's good for when you have kids because then you can look after them in the holidays" never mentioned that I even wanted kids at that point.

Started studying a masters, very excited, she showed no interest whatsoever, has never asked me what it's like, whether I enjoy the subject etc. in moments of stress because of deadlines she encourages me to stop studying and when I'm visiting her and I have work to do she complains that I can't go shopping with her etc.

Met my DH, she consistently made nasty comments about him and his family for years until recently when she stopped. Now I am having problems with him she defends all his wrong doings and makes excuses for him.

Makes underhand nasty comments regularly for no reason, e.g. Recently got a commission for a painting online, said to her "I'm so pleased I managed to sell my first painting" her response "well hopefully she doesn't send it back"

She always does this thing where she has to say the opposite of what I've said even if she's said the same as me in the past.

If I talk about my experiences I.e. going into teaching, she says "well I would have done that if it wasn't for xxx" or "that's exactly the same as when I did xxx"

When I've tried to address it with her and ask why she would say horrible things she says I'm delusional and I've made it all up.

Are my expectations of her just too high? Is she just a bit unsupportive? Is she jealous? I'm now a mother myself and I imagine that when my DC tells me about positive things in his life I would feel pride and support him however I can so I just don't get it. Also we've always had a very close relationship so it's not like we don't get on.

Sounds like classic jealousy to me, like your achievements are a reminder of how she wish her life had gone differently.

You can either let it slide or pick up on it every time she does something like this on the things you care most about. My favourite way would to ask her to repeat it and then aske her to explain why she thought that

Simple jealousy.

Thanks both, it's good to get someone else's perspective. When someone's so close to you it can be hard to work out.

She sounds like a bitch.

Some people in this world are just nasty.

Honestly cut down contact with her a hell of a lot. I mean don't contact her for a month. Black her calls then when you feel ready and she mentions the lack of contact tell her that until she can control her horrible attitude you don't want to waste your time of energy on her.

I agree, it's jealousy. She sounds very unfulfilled in her own life. Some people can't stand to see other people happy. Your mother is clearly one of them.

Have you ever confronted her?

If it was me, I'd be saying "interesting" the next time she tries to pull you down. When she asks you to clarify, just say "I can't remember the last time you were genuinely happy for me".

Then let her ponder that statement and clarify no more.

I'd also be tempted to act as excited as I could, despite her trying to pull you down.

I'm sorry, but she sounds very negative. Just because she is your mum doesn't mean she can get away with treating you like crap.

It sounds to me like she is projecting how she was treated as a child by her mother. Which she should have dealt with on her own time rather than yours but she hasn’t.

Sorry you have to deal with it, I’m sure it’s nothing personal

Some people hate seeing others be happy. It makes them feel angry that their own life isn't what they want. Then they jealously lash out to drag you down like them.

A normal person would use other people's good news as motivation to make changes in their life too. Not these guys.

When my DM does this I just think Oh you sad bitter old woman and I guess I've done something right, eh? I don't even roll my eyes. I give zero reaction. I don't even acknowledge the words beyond a non-commital "uh-huh". Grey rock all the way.

Mostly though I tell her nothing. Nothing. Which is surprisingly easy because she'll happily spend all her time bitching about other people so there's no time for me. Can you do the same?

For example when she made the comment about the painting I said "well why would she send it back?" She said "oh, just sometimes when you sell things online people don't like it in rl and send it back" I responded "actually she's already seen it and said she loved it"

She often backtracks and pretends it wasn't intended in the way I've interpreted it.

I know I've made it seem like she's a really nasty person here but she really isn't in other ways. She's always been very loving and we've been close which is why I have trouble understanding these things.

I agree she's unhappy with her own life, DF is an alcoholic and now very ill. Life with him has not been easy although I appreciate she made that choice.

She doesn’t sounds like a very nice person . If she were my mum I’d choose to see less of her.

And I’d not discuss my life with her, no one needs that negativity.

And well done on getting a commission for a painting , you must be really good!

Your last sentence says it all for me. So sad she’s not been fulfilled in life. What’s she doing now to make her happy? Perhaps what she does for herself today that’s something you can help her to find

Even so, doesn’t excuse the behaviour or mean you should accept it. Pick your battles.

Thanks orlaith

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend; your negative and toxic mother is no different so cease seeing her or otherwise communicating with her. She just wants to rain on your parade all the time.

I would agree that jealousy is partly behind all of this from her but whatever the reasons its not your fault. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Her own parents did that to her. Such people like your mother as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I also do not think your relationship has been close either. Its probably been "close" because you've been conditioned, complaint and serving of her. Now that you are making your own way in the world and have opinions of your own she does not like it.

Raise your boundaries higher also with regards to your mother, I suggest that too (as well as moving far away from her) as these seem way too low. Keep your children well away from her as well.

BTW you do not mention your dad here; is he still in your life?.

You may also want to look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Maybe she is worried your success will mean she gets left behind? She knows she isn't on the same wavelength as you and that you won't be needing her /have as much time for her....
She is worried the more you succeed the less she will figure in your life is what I mean!

Ah, that is it then.

When you feel the kick in the emotional guts when she says this shit, bite your tongue. Remind yourself silently that she is jealous. Totally ignore what she said. She brain farted aloud out of jealousy so ignore it.

When I started this with my DM it was fantastic. It took a while to retrain myself to not argue and defend. Once I'd stopped thinking about my feelings and my arguments I started to notice her face, her lips, her eyes, her whole stance as she makes these comments. It is different to normal. I can now predict the meanness before the words have come out of her mouth just by seeing the small changes in body language that indicate she's pulling back her fist for the emotional punch in the face. Horrible but it does make it a hell of a lot easier to really accept that she has severe issues, that she will never change and it is most definitely her not me.

"Perhaps what she does for herself today that’s something you can help her to find"

That's a very nice idea, I think I'll do that

Her life has been hard with your dad, likely full of broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. She has become negative as a result. She may not even know what it is like to be fulfilled and finds it hard to enjoy your excitement about life and the good things you have worked hard for and achieved.

You have to pity someone so negative.

You mother sounds like she’s a naraccistic. Read up on it.

I have the same (am in my mid 40’s) and after years of ‘digs’ and me defending myself I went NC with her. The relief was immense. I actually rang her last night as I heard (from my brother the ‘golden child’ that she’s having an op). She was so cold and uncaring, really couldn’t be bothered to speak to me. Some mothers aren’t carers. Find coping strategies.

Jealousy which is really demoralising for you. Having said that I think it stems from her maybe not having the same opportunity when she was younger (not that it’s an excuse) which is true of many passed generations of women due to education, finance or just circumstance. So maybe a little understanding of her will soften the blow next time she says something. Good luck.

Mums and daughters. Its a complex relationship. It sounds like she had a hard time with your dad.

Not everyone is narcissistic... 🙄

Although I can't get my head round the jealousy. I want my children to have more opportunities and do me better than me. I'm proud of them. I don't get the jealousy at all!

I know! Flowerpot I feel exactly the same, everything I'm working towards is to benefit my DC so that he can have more opportunities than me. It's hard to understand.

I would get the jealousy completely. Our mums generation didn't have the same options to leave shit marriages that we do. I think mums want to see their children do well, but can still feel envious of their opportunities. Mums are human too and no human alive is lilywhite.

I might be able to understand a quiet feeling of envy but I don't understand how/why you would let it show in this way.

My children have had a very different upbringing to me. We undoubtedly had more money growing up but my children have self confidence; maturity; emotional support; life guidance and love that I never had and this, I can already see, is having an impact on their opportunities and outcomes.

I am really proud of everything they do and everything they achieve. I am in awe of them in some respects. I am constantly saying to myself, "I'd never have been able to do X, Y, Z at their ages!" and sometimes I share that with them but only insomuch as I've been telling them how proud I am and how excited I am for their futures!

I cannot understand spiteful or unpleasant comments made to the people who only exist because of you who you are supposed to love and cherish more than any other.

It's just wrong.

coependencyco I think you are just going to have to remind yourself that she is being petty and jealous every time.

That's your interpretation as the mum flower perhaps your children see you pointing it out differently, now or in the future or when they talk about it to their friends or each or other family, who can say.

My first thought was she sounds a bit like she has narcissistic gaslighting tendencies.

If that's true, it would empower you to read about it and how to live with such people.

I live with one. Knowing I can never change their (negative) view of mostly me, is such freedom. I stop looking for validation and acceptance from someone who will always assume the worst about me, whether it's true or not.