Husband thinks it's okay to slap our son when he's older. I'm heartbroken.

[StephensAmy]

Can someone please help with a solution. Is it really a divorce? I've always been the first to get every view of my husband out of him when we were boyfriend/girlfriend. We debated over absolutely everything and had a lot of fun doing so, through that we learnt each other's views.

My childhood was abusive, my mum finally admitted this when I was a teen and it changed our relationship, we are now so close. He knew this and used to always say how he could never do such a thing.

We have our little boy and he's everything. My husband is also the love of my life and we share views so similar it's ridiculous.

However, I started talking to him about what kind of techniques we would use when he got older. We just had a little talk and he said "and if he's uncontrollable, a slap" I thought he was joking and I had to double ask and he was like I think a slap for the worst of the worst, has no respect is ok and I'm heartbroken. We tried debating over it and he isn't changing his opinions and said he would use it if he had to "but thinks it'll never be needed". I know most people will probably call me a drama llama but it's really hit a spot for me.

I think your abusive background is colouring your views here, presumably your partner means a rare slap as a last resort rather than a regular occurrence.

Personally I think other techniques like shouting, naughty step, loss of priviledges are more damaging.

Is your child still a baby?
I really doubt he will feel ok about slapping him in reality. Hitting a small child is a horrible thing to do and most people can't contemplate it.
You don't need to divorce but yoy May need to keep talking about it in future. Maybe let it drop for a bit though now? Since it's still theoretical.

I think you and your H need to reach an agreement on this - and if hitting a child (because that is what it is) is a red line for you then he will have to give ground. Hitting a child is lazy parenting and only shows the child that it's OK for a bigger person to use violence - I'm with you on this one.

My H was spanked as a child, as was I, and I made damn sure he knew that would not be happening in our family - or we would not be having children at all. Stand your ground and make your position crystal clear.

Where do you live in the UK? In Scotland this is to become a criminal offence:-

www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-scotland-scotland-politics-41678797

I think for me the issue is that he isn’t changing his mind even in the face of how upset you are

I find slapping to be the least ineffective form of punishment.

Sorry that a terrible double negative least effective/most ineffective

It would cross a red line for me. If an adult, with all their maturity and skills, can't care for their child without resorting to physical violence, I think they need to attend parenting classes. On a practical point, if you divorced him for this he would then be likely to have more unsupervised access, unless outside agencies were involved. On some things in a relationship there can be compromise, but for me not using physical violence (on anyone) is non-negotionable. Maybe as a first step get some parenting books so he can read / think about appropriate strategies.

Move to Scotland, smacking is against the law here! That sounds glib, but actually the fact highlights the seriousness of what your husband is considering. However, he has parental responsibility so in areas where it is legal there is nothing you can do to stop him. Maybe show him academic articles detailing the ineffectiveness of corporal punishment? It sounds like some more serious talks are going to have to be needed.

Personally I think other techniques like shouting, naughty step, loss of priviledges are more damaging.

What does that leave? I agree with shouting to an extent but the last two are fine as long as they're age appropriate surely?

How is taking a tablet away for a day or whatever worse than a slap? I've never forgotten a slap I received as a 4/5 yo, but can't remember loss of privileges.

It is never Ok to hit someone. What would the message to your child be? - that physical violence is OK? Hitting is non effective and totally unnecessary in child raising. He needs to seriously consider his child raising skills.

Don't be all sorrowful and heartbroken, be firm. If he ever again mentions slapping your child say the words, "Over my dead body. You will never ever slap our child."

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. If anyone laid a finger on my child, or even thought it was OK to do so, they wouldn't be allowed near my child again.

Have you asked him why he thinks it's acceptable to assault a child?

Was he brought up with love and the occasional slap? I was. He may see it in that context. I don’t smack my kids but it doesn’t bother me at all that I was smacked occasionally because I was deeply loved and brought up well.

You may both be bringing your backgrounds to this and that’s probably more of a chasm than the issue itself.

Sanctions should be applied with love. You can't hit someone with love.

Was he smacked as a child? He might simply see it as a measure for a very last resort.

I didn’t say I recommend it. I said it wasnt a big deal for us as children so I don’t have a visceral feeling about it. Being hit in an abusive or not loving family would make me feel differently about it.

I think this depends on whether he sees it as a rarity and last resort or not.

In the 70’s it was normal parenting to occasionally slap, doesn’t mean we were beaten and abused or our parents were bad. Different times. It means many of those of us who were smacked occasionally and not abused don’t have the same horror of it.

I’d sit down with him and talk through all of the various parenting techniques, even look into parenting classes (I did one) and make it clear that if he decides to hit because his other discipline skills aren’t developed enough then this will be s problem so it’s best for you both to work on them in advance so this doesn’t become an issue.

He’s telling you that you’re not the boss of him, in a really petty and pathetic way. He doesn’t think slapping is a good idea at all but can’t bring himself to back down, even though he knows about your abusive background and that it’s goung to be illegal in Scotland.

Hitting children is a red line for me. I would not stay a minute with a man who hit my child or threatened to (either me or the child). I’d make sure he knows that.

My BIL and SIL have always smacked their DC; I was uncomfortable with it because I suffered abuse as a child, but they're very well behaved and well adjusted. Their DS1 is now 18 and very much into politics. (He's annoyingly pro Brexit and I've participated in a few FB debates with him.) DS2 is head boy at his school and very popular, and great with our 2 DDs (now 9 and 6). So I know they're not bad parents.

From my own personal childhood experience, I remember always being afraid of my DM because she smacked us. This meant that my DSis and I were unable to tell her about the SA that was happening to us. And she always thought she was so approachable.

In her defence, she does accept that she got it wrong where smacking is concerned now.

As pp said just stand firm, and if the subject ever comes up again just tell him sharply that under no circumstances will he be hitting your child. It’s possible this is just a bit of posturing.

The little boy is here now, so unless you are prepared not just to divorce but also to prevent him from ever spending time with his dad alone (how?), I can't see how you could stop him from giving him a slap, except through persuasion.

What joysmum said. And yes it was the 70s! Funnily enough my parents also got divorced - and that was hugely more damaging than the occasional smack for misbehaving. Hugely.

I think you probably both need to row back from your entrenched positions - your sudden conviction that your husband is an abuser who doesn't love his child and his failure to see how vital this is for you given your history. A good counsellor could help?

I don't think your husband is inherently Bad for considering this but he should definitely respect your view.

I was a child of the 70s and very occasionally smacked. I can't imagine ever smacking my own children but it did not do me any harm.

Divorcing him won't help, as presumably he'll still get to spend time with his DCs, just without you around. You could tell him that if he ever does hit your child you will report him for assault, but probably best to continue talking, read parenting books etc and try to convince him that there are many kinder and more effective ways to punish a child. There are also many ways of emotionally scarring a child that are worse than a smack, but I'm certainly not condoning it and wouldn't smack my own DCs.

This would be a deal breaker for me. He would have to agree never to do this or it would be curtains for us.