I have fallen out of love with DH- Can you fall back in love? How?

[oflow]

Just that really. I am sad to find myself in this position. I feel that my marriage is over, for me, not for him. Is there ever a way back?

Early 30s and married, one DC, under 1. We were so in love. Ive had doubts for a couple of years but it feels like it's over for me. I so want us to be a family unit but I don't love him romantically.

The thing is, the things which have contributed to me falling out of love have always been there I think. I was in my early 20's when we met and I had different expectations then of relationships.I worked long hours and I think I missed some things.

When I've tried raising the issues which I'm unhappy with, he either gets defensive or agrees and things improve then a few months later it's the same as before. Issues: doesnt pull weight with housework, lack of communication and emotional support (he is away lots with work so v important), with sex no focus on me.

I keep telling him I am unhappy with things but it just leada to rows.

He is a well-liked man and friends and family love him. He is not abusive. I just ferl like romance is dead and I dont want to be in a relationship where I have to remind the other person of my needs.

He is a brilliant dad and DC adores him.

Reading your posts again I can see how you feel that way and I think he needs to pull his weight when he's at home, so you get a proper break. My husband travels a lot (but not as much as yours), and it wasn't until I went back to work that things rebalanced a bit because I got more assertive. But I needed the break just as much while I was on mat leave, I just wasnt assertive enough. Things like them needing your involvemnet in every little thing they do for DS so you never even get 5 minutes to yourself. DH always used to ask for the nappy bag, or want help with brushing DS's teeth, or oops I've forgot to get DS's towel when giving him a bath. In the end I just started ignoring him when DHasked for stuff and went to another room. I mean, we can handle it and don't drag our husbands into every little thing so why can't they. I think get assertive - announce that you're going upstairs to get some rest for an hour and you don't want to be disturbed. And then do whatever you want, and whatever is going on downstairs just ignore it. Soon he'll get the point that he shouldn't disturb you, and then he'll get the confidence that he can look after DC himself without your continual assistance.

I'm going to shut up now. I really hope things improve for you and that you get the physical and emotional support that you need from your DH in time.

It is difficult with a young child - it affects things. We were in that place and it did not look good. After some counselling - we ended up getting an aupair to help with childcare and around the house and things improved dramatically and the spark returned.

I would advise you to be careful making such big decisions so soon after a big trauma, and the inevitable upheaval of a baby.

I too suffered birth trauma PTSD (diagnosed) and have had loads of counselling. I too started reevaluating my marriage, and feeling unsupported. My resentment grew and grew, it sometimes felt unbearable. But I stuck with my marriage, because it was just going to be too much to deal with that, as well as my recovery and full time care for a young child, as well as finding full time employment. Effectively I prioritised my mental health over my happiness. Sounds strange, but that’s how it felt.

Consider putting your marriage struggle on a bit of a pause, until you’re clear-headed enough to start marriage counselling? As a pp advised, when you’re ready, just find and book a good counsellor, don’t bother asking your DH whether he wants to do it. Book it, give him the time & address.

You’ve got legitimate issues to sort out with him, but you’re also in the most tumultuous months of motherhood and physical/mental rehab you’ll likely ever face. Slow everything down and see how you feel in a few months?

Thank you for these recent posts, it's giving me lots of food for thought.

We have been together 7 years.

Skittlesandbeer I understand what you are saying. I will delay making my decision and give him a chance. I just feel really lonely in my marriage. I've told him this and all he says is he doesn't want me to feel like that. I am happy in other aspects of my life but not my relationship anymore.

I am just fed up of being responsible for everything. Until recently it was me that bought his family's birthday presents, Christmas cards etc now I'm just not bothering. If I don't remind him to call his family, he often doen't do it. I try to sit down with him to arrange dates for his family to visit, he doesn't arrange it. Then months later, my SIL will text saying she can't wait to see me and I find he's arranged a house full of visitors for several days and forget to tell me. He is really disorganised, I am the opposite. He never shares anything with me, if he's looking for a new job or car, he doesn't tell me for ages. We never seem to have anything to talk about anymore.

I actually typed up a list of all the jobs I do on a daily, weekly and termly basis and asked him to do the equivalent list for himself so we could start dividing up responsibilities more fairly but he ignored my email. When I asked him about it days later he said he disagrees and he does the things on my list which is untrue. He doesn't even put his clothes away ot clean the toilet after he uses it, if he needs too, well not often.

Rach182 I'm really pleased things have worked out for you. Thank you for your advice. DH does exactly what you describe your H as doing, wanting my involvment in every DC task as it's easier with two of us. I told him recently that most of the time I do everything alone so he just needs to get on with it.

Getting a cleaner would be great but it feels like it would be a sticking plaster because I really resent he doesn't see it as his responsibility too. We have a 12 room house, 3 bathrooms, animals etc, it takes up so much of my time. I barely get any time to do my 'homework' from the psychologist or the physio exercises I'm supposed to do. I never do anything for me. I've tried telling him but he doesn't get it.

Skittlesandbeer how are you now? Did your relationship grt back on track? Hope your PTSD has improved over time. Xx

Ok so you have exercised that you should be doing every day. Then you need "you" time every day...

Perhaps you need a childminder or housekeeper so it actually happens? He can't argue that you doing what you need to in order to recover isn't important! We know that come evening time you are too exhausted to do this stuff especially as he is away so much.

With a childminder you would like have to pay at least for a half day slot regardless so it would probably be more cost effective to find a "housekeeper" that would do an hour of cleaning and an hour of childcare for you each weekday. Time to get assertive?

he has no idea how much is on your plate and how fragile you are feeling! What it's like to never be able to have lunch or go to the loo in peace! He could do with having sole care for a week whilst you go away on a retreat...

I disagree with the other poster about it being a fair split. It isn't fair at all. He does all the exciting stuff and she gets left with the drudge work. Though they can afford to have a cleaner, he sees it as her job and therefore a waste of money. That's bollocks.

I worked, paid bills, had a child in nursery and still managed to do all childcare and housework too. I'm now working (from home), studying, looking after the kids (now older), housework, paying bills , buying a house as well as everything else and it's still easier than being a sahm to a baby/toddler.

He behaves as of he's your boss and entitled and that's why you're feeling the way you do. I know you want to be at home with your baby and I did too. But going back to work was the best thing I ever did. I may not have had as much time with my child but it was quality time. When I got together with my next ex (and father of my subsequent children) I wish I'd been more assertive and just left of he didn't agree to pull his weight and hire some help that we could easily afford.

I would seriously tall to him and issue some ultimatums. At the end of the day, if you split he'd have to look after your child when it's his turn which would give you a break and allow you to pursue hobbies or work etc and he'd have to pay maintenance.

Good advice from Rach182. You are at a very vulnerable point so it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. I had exactly the same with DH doing all the things he likes (garden, pottering around) while I did all the drudge. Drove me mental.

It's all about team work, and a good team will divide up the chores. And if he doesn't want to do his share, then fair enough - pay someone to do it. Cleaner - yes. Gardener - yes. Babysitter so you can go out and get your hair done or meet a friend for lunch - yes, yes, yes.

Whenever my DH had noticed something not done (like a pile of festering laundry) I'd say "knock yourself out" and go take a long bath with a glass of wine.

Be kind to yourself and good luck with the counselling. Probably best not to make any big decisions about your marriage until you are feeling more on an even keel.

You have two choices here. Live a life you don't like that is financially easy for you because someone else is paying your way or leave, pay your own way and live your own life.

I think both you and your dh work hard in your own way , he's fulfilling his part as are you, but neither are happy. Time to decide whether the gilded cage is shiny enough. I've been there and left, because life with less is better than this.

Someone told me something once that has really stuck with me and that in my experience has always played out to be true:

Every single couple, from the strongest and most in love to the most feeble, consider breaking up at some point in the first year after having a baby. I mean seriously consider it.

I really do think that's true - it's such a huge adjustment, it takes a little time for even the best man or woman among us to get the balance right. Complicate that with a difficult delivery and mental health issues and it will only amplify the feeling.

That's not to say he's doing a brilliant job, just that it's not unexpected that there would be a long period of adjustment and it's how you negotiate that to come out the other side with a strategy that works for both of you that makes the difference.

I second the poster who said don't make any rash decisions. It's a marathon not a sprint.

@Musti having reread OP's posts, I agree it isn't a fair split, especially given that OP never gets a break and the added pressure of his continuous work travel. Still can see how he thinks he does a lot, and the only way that can be rebalanced is if he gets some insight into what sole childcare of a 1 year old really involves and how physically and emotionally draining it is. Like @RandomMess suggested, next time OP's husband is on annual leave, she should book herself onto a retreat. He'll be in for some hard truths.

OP please look after yourself. No wonder you're knackered - getting the garden and house done is no way near as important as your physio. Add to that looking after pets! It's too much for one person and it's not sustainable without help (whether that's your husband or paid help). Can see where you're coming from about the plaster. Maybe phrase it as divying up the tasks and that he's simply paying for his share given he's away so much (I think another poster suggested this)..

I wouldn't make any big changes or decisions yet. The first year after becoming a parent is so SO hard. And you have your injuries/PTSD to deal with too.

I don't feel you have an unfair division of labour in your marriage - but I can see why your share would be too much for you at the moment, as in you're recovering/in pain/having regular operations and treatment, and still massively - and understandably -traumatised.

In these situations, I think you have to ditch the ideal of him being perfect and do the practical things that work for you. Get a cleaner! Get a gardener. Just do it. If your DH says anything, remind him that you're still recovering medically and he's away so much.

I think it's really unwise to make decisions about a relationship when you are in a separate crisis. If you have PSTD from birth trauma, deal with it first.
IME, it's a mistake to decide what a DH should be and then feel betrayed that he isn't. DH is very little emotional support to me. He can;t be. He has ASD. It does make me sad and it is a weak spot in our marriage but instead of fixating on it I just made a decision to find that support elsewhere. Family and friends are fine.

To fall back in love, it can help to focus on what he does bring to the marriage. You say he brings in a good amount of money. Is his inability to do housework due to him being shattered and stressed at having the financial responsibility for the family?

If you sit down and both listen to each ohter, both talk about changes that would help you both and both work at making them happen, then it can strengthen your marriage. He needs to agree to be respectful of what you ask for (never criticising money spent on a deep clean if you are too knackered to do one yourself, for example; never expecting God-like praise for doing a single task.) In retunr, you probably need to show soem respect for things he has to deal with that you don't.

Most of all, you need some projects together that you both look forward to and enjoy - from family time to nights out to home improvements or career/life balance shifts. The more stuff you have in common day to day, not on paper, the happier you are, in my experience.

The thing is, he works away in a static location for 2 weeks at a time, all meals and work instructions provided. So when he is at home he has no work to do or plan for. Literally nothing. He just turns up to his next shift the following month.

I just feel lonely. There is no emotional intimacy for me anymore.

I see that opinions are quite split on whether work is divided fairly. On reflection its his lack if consideration for me which is really grinding me down and he seems oblivious to it . Some recent examples:
-he pulled out a whole cupboard onto the floor looking for somethinh on the morning he was going away. I asked if I was supposed to put it away then and he just looked at me blankly. It didnt cross his mind he'd made more work for me
-he sometimes leaves dirty clothes on the floor or even beside the laundry basket, not in

• when he's here he feeds the animals. When he went back to work he didnt tell me their food had run out. Cue me taking baby to shops right before her bedtime

-skids in the loo everytime not envy...

I had a good job before in an sector with good progression. I am post grad qualified so its not an issue for me to be financially independent again. Im just not at the moment

Minapaws-I would happily take on the financial admin over the drudge jobs- in a former life I was a finance manager!

My ex leaves skid marks too. That's disgusting and shows utter contempt and disrespect. He wouldn't do that in anyone else's house. He also when he leaves a hotel or after a meal in a restaurant tidies up after himself, leaves extremely generous tips etc. But not at home. It isn't his job when at home. He told me in action and with words that it's my job. Like you, I was and now am a graduate with good jobs and being a sahm was for the good of the family. We weren't together long before having kids but he wasn't at all like that. So it's like a facade.

So us he like an off shire worker, 2 weeks on 2 weeks off but in his 2 weeks "off" he seems to think he can put his feet up and just "help out" with stuff he enjoys?

I would tell him that your medical professionals have told you you will not get well unless you do your exercises every day and have some time for yourself.
So you need a cleaner/home help to come in for a couple of hours, so you can do your exercises plus have some time in your own.

If he will not listen then I would be asking to do to marriage guldanece, if he still refuses then you have your answer.

Two weeks off? That's ridiculous - I didnt realise he wasn't even working when he is at home. No reason why he can;t do as much childcare as you during that period so that you can have time to relax and nurture your own interests too. Definitely give yourself a well earned holiday without DH and DS. However long you can pump enough milk for. Is it possible he has ADHD or ADD? Is he quite scatty and bad at putting things back/ life admin generally (i.e. in his working life, with his friends)? If not, I agree it's completely inconsiderate to treat you and the house the way he does.

Hi I’ve been in a kind of similar situation to you. Me and dh almost split up earlier this year. Lack of housework/child care and emotional intimacy was not there, I just could not see a way forward. I found an advert for this counselling charity in the gp surgery- marriage care. They are actually a catholic charity but work with people in relationships with no faith/other faiths, you don’t have to be a catholic. My dh was really resistant to going at first but for me it was make or break, for the sake of our little one. We went and the counsellor was great, basically said to him what I had been saying but in a less angry way maybe and it changed our relationship. He started doing more chores and childcare and making steps with keeping the spark alive. The affection between us has come back- wasn’t sure it would at one point!

When he is back do you leave the baby with him and just go out? Do you ever go on date nights and chat?

Ahhh Sunisshining3228 that is so nice to hear

There is no damn way I would tolerate family invited over for days on end and no consultation with you by your husband! If he can’t throw his clothes in the laundry basket don’t pick them up and wash them and maybe when he finds himself without clean laundry tell him the truth-you are not his mother! Put them in the dirty clothes basket if you want them washed! As far as being unable to do your physio or counseling homework you’ve got to lower your cleaning standards or get a cleaner as that is highest priority other than your little one. Good luck