Volatile relationships

[Isawthesign]

Hello Mumsnetters. I'm hoping I can get some good advice from you all. All of my relationships have been volatile, characterised by frequent fighting and making up, hurt feelings, crying etc. I am a very sensitive person. I see a lot in people and have been told I'm very perceptive but I'm not sure if that's such a great thing in a relationship etc.

I have healthy enough relationships with my friends, family and colleagues but my romantic relationships really are car crashes. I'll give you a tiny example from this morning.

My husband and I decided to go on a walk with the dogs. We were leaving the house ready to go:
Husband: Okay, come on so
Me and DS: Great.
We went outside and waited in the cold by his car which was locked and he didn't come out for ages. When he eventually came out, he said nothing which really annoyed me as we were waiting in the cold thinking he was right behind us.
Me: We've been waiting here for ages (neutral tone. I didn't raise my voice).
Husband: Oh FFS, you're so uptight. I couldn't find my f**kin keys etc etc.
We then had a horrible morning because Husband couldn't get over this.

I know it's not all one-sided and that's only one example. I can give more but I'm beginning to wonder if it could be me. All of my relationships have been marked by conflict even though friends and family consider me an extremely nice, kind and loyal person. What do you think?

Hi
No words of wisdom- but following with interest - I could have written this post!

Well, from what you’ve said your h sounds like a dick.

How long were you waiting? Why not go back into the house?

What’s your relationship usually like?

What was your parents' relationship like? Sometimes we follow a pattern without realising it if it's what we know. I suspect you pick the wrong men and then the behaviour patterns make it worse but that doesn't mean it's your fault or that it can't be solved.

Sometime the way we react to an initial incident can impact on how it plays out.

That said, in your shoes I would have been pissed off about waiting outside. If your DH is rude and disrespectful do you need him in your life?

@eelbecomingforyou

I don't know exactly how long. Not a crazy amount of time but long enough to feel cold and wonder what the hell he was doing. He was in crappy form all morning after that despite my best efforts. Our relationship is very volatile all the time.

That’s exactly me too. Always got on with colleagues, family and friends but disastrous romantic relationships. Could never be friends with an ex as things break down so badly.

Interested to see what other posters say!

@Bigclearout

My mother is a meek and submissive woman. My father was the 'boss.'

That's interesting you think my H was rude and disrespectful because he very much made it seem like I was the one at fault. He started shouting the car. I said to stop shouting and then he kept saying I was 'so f**kin uptight and that no-one can live up to your standards.' I then said I can't stand the shouting and he said he's not that way around anyone else. I said that's not true, that he is and it went on until I tried to make amends. I bought us brunch and tried to be nice but he was so pissed off with me.

Sounds like you might choose men who are volatile, rather than the relationship being volatile, per se.

What was your father like when you were growing up? Your mother?

Sounds like you choose men who are like your father, OP - and then you play your mother.

Sometime the way we react to an initial incident can impact on how it plays out.

I wonder if I say things in a way that provokes the men I'm with. This doesn't happen with anyone else but I have to take some responsibility.

I wonder if I say things in a way that provokes the men I'm with.

I'd take a step back, and suggest that you unconsciously choose a particular type of man - one who is short-tempered, dominating, and who refuses to accept responsibility. (Unlike you. You seem to take far more responsibility than you need to - just to keep the peace.)

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of an example for instance did your parents set you?.

Are you codependent or a people pleaser in relationships? Do you find it difficult to say no?

Your romantic relationships have been car crashes for a reason (perhaps a template that started in childhood) and that all needs to be unpicked and unlearnt. It would be an idea for you to talk to someone about this. Your relationship with your H is problematic as well, his reactions to you were well over the top and disproportionate.
My guess is also that your H is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world and behind closed doors his true nature (i.e. abusive) emerges. Like practically all abusive men they never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. In this example you cite he made it out to be all your fault.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here and what is he learning from the two of you? Would you want your son to be just like his dad is when he is grown and treat his wife the same?. No you would not. However, you are showing your son that currently at least this from his dad is still acceptable to you. Think carefully on your future within this relationship because these things usually go one way - further down. Do not let this man drag you and in turn your son with him down into his pit.

Womens Aid are also worth having a chat with on 0808 2000 247

I think you have been conditioned from an early age to accept such poor treatment from men. Did your dad behave similarly to your mother when you were growing up?

Having read your most recent post, you have indeed chosen men like your dad. That was what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and the fallout from that is still apparent to this day.

You are not and have never been responsible for the actions of another person like your H or any ex's. They were. You've been basically conditioned to accept otherwise.

He's messed with your thinking and, yes, you do seem to be following the pattern of your parents. Of course it is rude and disrespectful not to apologise for keeping someone waiting and certainly to shout and swear at them. You act like the guilty party, making him the one in the right so end up apologising and setting him up to do the same next time. It's no good for you.
Some years ago I realised the way I was in relationships related back to what my experiences had been as a child. Even with that understanding I entered into a disastrous, abusive relationship. I'm single now and much happier for it.

Wow, I really wasn't expecting this.

I'm not half as meek as my mother, I do try to hold my own and my husband does apologise sometimes but he flies off the handle at the smallest things. Luckily, DS spends more time with me but I do worry that he'll pick up some of H's habits.

When he said I was uptight, I said 'oh and you're Mr Calm?' He said 'I am with everyone else but you drive me crazy.' That's just not true...

Someone suggested leaving my H. I cannot imagine being without him. We still do lots together and have a reasonable life together but the constant fighting and volatility is wearing me out.

I think you have been conditioned from an early age to accept such poor treatment from men. Did your dad behave similarly to your mother when you were growing up?

Fuck. How can I undo this? Seriously like..I've had counselling in the past but yet I'm still here.

Er just go back in the house no big deal chill out.

Unhelpful in the extreme, Purple (and probably quite like the OP's dad, on reflection).

OP, counselling or therapy is a long-term proposition; and the results are a two-step-forward/one-step-back process. Change is gradual, but it is possible.

yeah when I went for counselling, I never really got in to the way I choose men.

What kind of counsellor would be good for choosing the wrong partners? CBT?

To be honest, if I left my husband, I could see myself just throwing the towel in. I'm wrecked from all the fighting and wouldn't have the energy to date or even consider another man.

You may not be half as "meek" as your mother is or was but the lessons you absorbed during that time have done and continue to do you a great deal of emotional harm. Your self worth would be affected and you may well be a people pleaser too. This man you describe is really another version of your dad and I would think your own dad came out with similar to your mother.

Like you, your DS will pick up and learn about relationships from the two of you. He needs life affirming lessons on relationships and patently not those where his father primarily and only blames you as his mother for any perceived slight or problem. Would you want your son to learn and think that flying off the handle is an appropriate action in relationships?. NO you would not. Bet you as well your H never flies off the handle like this at work or in wider company; its all reserved for you and in turn your son.

You need to unpick and unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date. This is why your romantic relationships have been car crashes and the one you are in now seems no better either.

I am in a volatile relationship too, and to me it sounds like your husband likes control and power also the fact he may also take advantage of your "niceness" where he feels "oh it doesn't matter how I speak and treat her because she's still going to be with me and not going anywhere and still will try with me"

It's really horrible being in a volatile relationship where it's up and down and when things are good there great and when it's bad it's really bad but I think it's worse when you have a little one as you do feel some what vulnerable even more where you will put up with this behaviour..

Generally men do not know how to communicate and consider everything we say as nagging maybe next time you can try sitting him down and telling him how he makes you feel and if there is a problem to speak to each other about it nicely rather then swearing etc

Hope things get more stable and secure with you soon x

BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Interview such people carefully and with due dilligence. You need to find someone who fits in with your approach here.

If you're constantly finding yourself in relationships with people who devalue or disrespect you, the question really becomes, 'What am I getting out of this?' Is it reinforcement that you're not good enough, can't do better or aren't worth more?"

Thanks Mimi2018. I've tried that before. We're together 15 years so it's kind of a case of leopards not changing their spots now.

I'd find it hard to leave because of DS. We have everything set up living near the school and we live very close to H's work and family, so I'd probably have to move away with DS. It's messy but obviously I've thought about it.

AttilaTheMeerkat those are good questions. before I married my husband, a friend drunkenly said to me that I was selling myself short. She forgets it now but I don't. I'll look up BACP now.

"Generally men do not know how to communicate and consider everything we say as nagging maybe next time you can try sitting him down and telling him how he makes you feel and if there is a problem to speak to each other about it nicely rather then swearing etc"

Please do not try and excuse /minimise such behaviour from your bloke mimi. It will do you no good in the long run. I would ask you the same questions; what do you get out of this and what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Emotionally healthy men do not act like this and men can communicate. Emotionally healthy relationships are not highs and deep lows nor are full of drama (more often than not started by them). They are steady and on an even keel.

Emotionally incontinent and otherwise abusive men like yours cannot and will not. Talking to such people as well is a waste of time because the only point of view that matters to them is their own. You are but seen as an inconvenience to him as well as being taken for a mug. He does not respect you at all.

Talking to such people as well is a waste of time because the only point of view that matters to them is their own.

You're basically summing up any attempt to deal with conflict in my marriage...