Volatile relationships

[Isawthesign]

Hello Mumsnetters. I'm hoping I can get some good advice from you all. All of my relationships have been volatile, characterised by frequent fighting and making up, hurt feelings, crying etc. I am a very sensitive person. I see a lot in people and have been told I'm very perceptive but I'm not sure if that's such a great thing in a relationship etc.

I have healthy enough relationships with my friends, family and colleagues but my romantic relationships really are car crashes. I'll give you a tiny example from this morning.

My husband and I decided to go on a walk with the dogs. We were leaving the house ready to go:
Husband: Okay, come on so
Me and DS: Great.
We went outside and waited in the cold by his car which was locked and he didn't come out for ages. When he eventually came out, he said nothing which really annoyed me as we were waiting in the cold thinking he was right behind us.
Me: We've been waiting here for ages (neutral tone. I didn't raise my voice).
Husband: Oh FFS, you're so uptight. I couldn't find my f**kin keys etc etc.
We then had a horrible morning because Husband couldn't get over this.

I know it's not all one-sided and that's only one example. I can give more but I'm beginning to wonder if it could be me. All of my relationships have been marked by conflict even though friends and family consider me an extremely nice, kind and loyal person. What do you think?

And do NOT ever use your child, your most precious of resources here, ever as a reason to stay. That is a huge error on your part if you do that. It basically teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie and that is a terribly heavy burden to place upon him. He is not glue nor should be used as glue here to bind you and your H together.

Do look at BACP and I hope you can find someone you can work with.

I know...I don't want to do that but I also don't want to uproot my DS from school. He's only in his second year and is so happy there.

If your partner "reprimands you for your thoughts and opinions," or tries to tell you how to apologize (in specifics, of course), how to behave in the future, and so forth, it shows a control aspect relative to conflict resolution and communication.

Why should you and your son have to be the ones to leave?.
It may well be that you and your son could stay within the marital home but you will need legal advice to further clarify your position here.

If your partner "reprimands you for your thoughts and opinions," or tries to tell you how to apologize (in specifics, of course), how to behave in the future, and so forth, it shows a control aspect relative to conflict resolution and communication.

The more I think about it all, the more I want out. I feel like I'm finally letting myself feel that.

I echo everything Attila says, OP - and also don't go for CBT. The NHS/govt loves it, because it's short term, and measurable. It is also wholly ineffectual for deep-seated, family originated problems.

Try psychodynamic counselling - there are various forms out there. BACP is good, as is UKCP and the SAP.

Another reason not to stay for your son: he will learn from the relationship he sees between his parents how it is that a man should act towards his partner. And so the pattern perpetuates from generation to generation.

You can stop it.

Thanks. I've looked up BACP. None of the therapists in my area describe the type of pyschotherapy they do. I did 'solution focused' CBT esque therapy in the past. It went on for months and months and it was good to talk but I never really spoke much about family originated stuff. There seems to be a move away from that now and at my age, I don't want to blame my parents but I'd also like to have a healthy, non-volatile relationship.

I don't want to blame my parents

I used to say that, too. However, my emotions told a different story, and I needed to feel them, no matter how 'improper' my mind told me that was.

The whole point of much of therapy is to feel what we tell ourselves we should't be feeling - and also to feel what we have hidden from ourselves.

Our hearts aren't rational. But they need a safe place to be heard.

As AFistful ofDolores rightly states, CBT is not going to cut it. You need more in depth therapy that this or what the NHS can offer.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. They were probably also taught the same by their own parents. You can break the cycle here that has been perpetuated down to you, you do not have to repeat what your parents and their parents taught them.

The whole point of much of therapy is to feel what we tell ourselves we should't be feeling - and also to feel what we have hidden from ourselves.

I wonder would a good relationship do this? I always feel like I shouldn't feel what I feel with my husband. I think he'd rather I be this shallow person who just likes to talk about the news or DS and nothing else.

Thanks Attila. My parents taught me a lot I suppose. My mother is very submissive and put up with a lot, there's no doubt about that. It's very painful to even think of their relationship, to be honest.

I wonder would a good relationship do this?

Not a healthy one, no.

this all feels a bit surreal

That "surreal" feeling is that space between what we've always accepted as true, and something new. It's not comfortable, but it can be a portal to change.

I know. It can feel destabilising. Therapy can help to hold you steady.

I hope so...the last time I went to therapy, I found it nice to talk about myself for an hour but I really didn't feel it changed anything in how I see myself or deal with things. I do think I have set the bar low in my marriage. I know I haven't given loads of detail here but some of you seemed to have seen through to the core of the marriage with the little details you had. It's just a scary prospect really. Even though I've been unhappy for years, the thoughts of moving on is terrifying.

In therapy, we spend a lot of time talking about ourselves ... and then comes the moment when we have the opportunity to start talking about what really matters. Many people don't stick around long enough for that.

Change is terrifying. I hear you. But, hell, it can be life affirming and liberating! I look back from where I am now, and it's a place I couldn't have conceived of back then.

Yeah, that's a good point.

After I posted I remembered what my therapist said to me in our last session. She said, 'have you noticed how hard we find it to talk about you?' I was always discussing others or what others thought or trying to analyse others. Next time, I should probably focus on how I feel. Blimey, my head.

Change is terrifying. I hear you. But, hell, it can be life affirming and liberating! I look back from where I am now, and it's a place I couldn't have conceived of back then.

That's great. Maybe going through the difficulty of a big change is worth it. It's probably better than living like this, always up and down, DH shouting, relationship conflict, sadness etc. This isn't what I want for myself or my DS.

You can do it if you want. The beauty of it all is that it is in your hands xx

Thanks. I do want to stop this cycle. I really do. I have been slowly losing affection for my husband over the past few years.