can you be together after infidelty

[Riss70]

is there anyone out there who stayed with thier husbands after he had a one night stand - if so how did you go about things and is it working out OR has he done it again?

not a one night stand, but a 6 months affair with a work colleague. Found out 3 months ago. We're working on it. Last 3 months not been a barrel of laughs, but we've deffinitely turned a corner. For some people they can't. Have you just found out? Has it just happened? How have you both reacted? Who was it with? How did you find out? So much to know. But at the end of the day everyone's different. Many of us here, unfortunately have experienced husband's infidenlity recently.

Riss70

My H did more than a one night stand it was the full blown affair. I found out about 8 months ago and we are still together and working throug it.

The key is, is he truely sorry for the pain he has caused and wants to make up for it all.

You also need to ask yourself if you can live with it. Many people say they could not - but until it happens it is not so black and white. Whatever you decide will never change the fact that it happened.

Of course none of us want to have husbands who treat us like that but once it has happened we need to choose what to do. Staying is by no means the easy option as it takes a lot of work. only you can decide whether you think your relationship is worth it.

Good luck it can work but only if you both want to do it together.

one of my work colleaugues (it was with) found out through another one of my work colleagues - have known for about 3 weeks now and it occured about 7 weeks ago - he was fairly drunk (but obvisouly not that drunk)

he has not really reacted - just said he wants to work it out and does not want anyone to know that it has happened (family and friends that is) claims he didn't know the girls name etc and I am still trying to work it out at foirst I felt nothing and now I am having extreme flashes of anger

I suppose some people can. Just not me.

I am not sure that he is truly sorry - it seems so far as this has been all too easy for him (the aftermath that is) - waht has your H said to make you beleive that he truly regrets his action

That was always my thought Expat but when it happened.......I am not sure now

He's not really remorseful, though, Riss.

So how can you trust him again?

I am not sure and I don't know to be honest Expat - is he remorseful or not - it seeems that he is ashamed by not wanting anyone to know

And as far as trusting him again I don't know that I can.... I think it may be too early for that and in all honesty I ahve not amde up my mind as to if I want to try and work through this or not

The anger is understandable and he should be able to understand that too. Dont supress it though as it will come out at some time. Of course he doesnt want anyone to know - he has been a fool! However that is now out of his hands and if you feel you need support from friends and family then dont let him dictate to you, remember this is all his own making. Having said that though you cannot punish him for ever if you are to get over it.

If to him it was no big deal then why did he not come home and tell you about it at the time? Men, they always have a way of making it seem like it is your fault - which it is not.

If it was a mistake and you think you can live with that then you need to accept what has happened and work throuhg the problems together. we are after all human and do make mistakes.

He should be making you feel so loved and special that he would not have time for anyone else, saying how sorry he is ect and you will know when he is doing and saying the right things.

Do you know what you really want - it is ok if you are still unsure but he may be picking up on that too and so feels that he is in a no win situation.

He is making an effort in many respects - paying memore attention than in the last couple of years - being more onsiderate and caring than he has for a long time - BUT he has not apologised - he said that he does not feel that an apology is adequate and that sorry just does not cut it.

He did not come home and tell me either I confronted him after being asked at work "are you still with your husband after he splet with ......" and "you know you deserve so much better than that". He only admitted it after I told him that I had confronted her and she admitted it (which she didn't she denied it ,however, quite poorly)

He seems to be DOING all the right things but not saying what I need (he has never been the great communicator or that expressive)

have you tried relationship counselling
vg for men who find it hard to express themselves

Does he really know how important all this is to you? If this is going to spilt you up then it is a big deal - no matter what he thinks or anyone else for that matter.

If it means that much to you then you must let him know.

If he thinks it is not going to change much then i can understand his reaction - you did say at the beginning that you felt nothing.

It just sounds as if you both need to talk and tell each other how you really feel. If you are not sure then tell him. He may need the shock of you theatening to leave to make him realise just how badly he has treated you.

we are going to try relationship counselling and I am not sure if I would be prepared to carry through such a threat at this stage therefore would not like to issue it - I did ask him to leave when I first spoke to him about it (about 3-4 days after I found out) but he said that he wasn't prepared to leave as he wanted to work through it ( he ahd a lot more time to hink about it than I did seeing as though I didn't find out for a month ofter the occurence - allthough must admitt I called him that night and 'just knew' that was what had occured)

I am not suggesting you spit but that is what impression you are giving. He is being unfair to say he is not prepared to leave and give you space to think about what you want. As you say he has had a long time to think about what he wants.

So you thought you knew at the time and probably like us all you dismissed your gut feel becasue it was too painful to face. That is normal we have all done that. But it is that same gut feel that you need to know if he is truely sorry and will allow you to trust again.

Surely he knows it will be for the best to get this sorted out now so that you can start to move forward again and not get stuck with something you are not completly happy with.

It may sound mad but even after everything my h put me throuhg i am still here - not through weakness on my part but because i truely believe he will not do this again, and at the moment our realationship is so great - better than i could have imagined. I could have walked away and never had this - but i also know that i had to be prepared to walk away for him to know i meant bussiness and was not prepared to put up with the crap he had dealt me.

It may seem a trivial one night stand but if it is making you question what you want it is important to get it sorted. Dont let him call all the shots you need to take control and get what YOU want now - dont be scared if he wants you he will put up with it and do what is needed to make your gut feeling feel good - hope that all makes sense.

He is unfortunately (as are both his parents) the hopeful ostrich - bury your eand ignore it and it will go away - this does not work for me I need to get things out and can not pretend that every thing is allright if you pretend it didn't happen - I am suggesting (as we are off to his mothers for holiadys soon) that he stay there and I come back home (we live 900km's from his home town which is where his mother lives) so that he can take time to truly think aout if he is prepared to work things through in a way that will work for both of us not just him and to give me space to decide what I truly want to do - the bigest thing is that we have three beautiful children and I can say that if it weren't for them the choice would be easy but he is a good dad and not a terrible man

It is possible to get past these things - if you both want to. But you have to agree to talk about it and not just brush it under he carpet. DH has never done it - but I did, many years ago, not only once (and once with his best mate - I wasn't a very nice person then!!). We weren't married, but we were livnig together and it was when he asked me to marry him that I decided to 'come-clean'. We've been married 23 years this year and he has never, ever thrown any of the things I did, back in my face - no matter how rough things have been at times.

I know the children hurt - but think about what you just said - would you like to think that he is only making a go of it for the sake of the children?

Of course it is ideal to have the happy family life of perfect husband and beautiful children. Life does not always deal us with this and it is up to us to make the best we can of what we have been dealt. Dont stay withsome just because of the children - yes they play a huge part but if you would walk if it was not for them are you not putting pressure on them for later. They will pick up on things if you are not completly sure this is what you want.

If you are prepared to stay whilst you have children and then go your seperate ways then again be honest. You need to truely want to make this work for the right reasons and not becasue it is the right thing to do.

As for burying his head in the sand - lots of people do this so dont be too hard on him for it. But if you need to be more open then you must despite what he says.

Sorry if this sounds a bit negative - i think you need to know if you want this to go forward first.

Also wanted to say - he does not have to be a terrible man to do a terrible thing to you. There are plenty of us here to back that up. None of us are forced to stay with these 'horrid terrible' men - because they are not - they have just done some pretty low things and most of them are hurting inside for that too.

People do stay together after one or both of them has had sex elsewhere. Both of them have to want to keep the couple-bond going and to agree on the terms on which they will stay together. For some people, that would mean an absolute insistence on monogamous behaviour in future, for others it might mean negotiating ground rules for a more open relationship (complete honesty/not with anyone we both know/going to swingers' clubs together). Only the actual people involved can know what will suit their situation best.

I think that I am prepared to stay whilst the children are at home (and that will be for a number of years). But in saying that I am not prepared to clean cook and support him whilst he is out and about like a tom cat. If he can resolve to remain monogamus then I think I can deal with it - hell there can be a lot worse.

You see I am the primary wage earner in the family and always have been and in saying that he has always worked but in far less lucrative fields (my income has always been at least 30% higher than his and for the last 12 months it's been 50% higher than his)

As I said things were not good but they were not screaming and fighting just no connection emotionally. There is no violence and other form of abuse.

I am just truly confused and asked him last night why he just didn't leave when I asked him too and he responded that he did not want to leave, he wantd to work things out and had made the biggest mistake ever - he then said that saying sorry just didn't cut it for what he had done and asked what I wanted himt o do. I don't know - I asked him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he said that he would feel hurt and angry and did not really want to think about the prospect.

Sorry to say it doesnt sound as if you want to make a go of it. You cant punish him for ever if he truely is sorry and want to go forward.

It is hard making the break but you really must decide what you want and if it is just for the convienince of having him around it is not a good foundation for a loving fulfilled relationship. I hope you are honest enough to tell him these are your intentions - i would be pretty upset if i though a partner of mine was thinking like that.

He may not want to go if you are the higher wage earner as someone who could never dream of getting anywhere near what my husband does i do understand how it can make you feel trapped. Does he feel trapped?

It is hard but if you want to go forward from here you will have to learn to forgive. That may mean getting to the bottom of what happened, so you can both say it wont happen again. A counsellor really can help here. It is easy to say but hard to do but you must try not to keep reminding yourself of this and use it against him.

Good luck

Hi, i dont post often but thought i would tell you my story, 12 months ago (to the day) i found out my dp of 7 years had been having a 10 week affair, i was 3 months pregnant at the time and it hit me really hard.(ppl may remeber my posts) We decided to stay together and over the last 12 months have developed a much closer, loving and honest relationship, im not saying its easy as i still think about it every day and occasionally get upset about it but the pros far outweight the cons.

He is now the man i met and fell in love with again and we have a great family life, (i have a 2 year old ds and a 6 month old dd), if it hadnt have been for the children then i dont think i would ever had stayed and stuck it out, but im really glad i did.

It has taken alot of work on both our parts to get to this point ( as i will take 50% responsibility for things not being great before the affair but none for it happening) but if its what you both want then it can work. I hope this helps a little

Yes but they both have to want it to happen. I agree it can work - our relationship is back to like when we first got together too and that is 20years ago (in fact better becasue there is a bit more money for going out and going away together acutally).

But if it starts that she is prepared to put up with him whilst the children are around i think it unfair - and i really dont think it can work. I am sure it does but only if everyone is honest, and i dont think many would want to hear that from our partners

I was not able to stay married to an unfaithful husband. I actually felt I should for the sake of the children and tried very hard to do so, in retrospect for far longer than I should have. But he was not really sorry (he thought I was making a huge fuss over nothing!!) and apart from trying to be jolly and kissy-kissy, he did nothing tangible to change anything - until finally I went to a divorce lawyer - and all of a sudden he was willing to do counselling, to talk, to go on a romantic, healing weekend (vomit) etc etc. But by then it was too late.

I would say that it is not up to him to dictate whether a sorry is appropriate or not; if you need him to apologise and he is unwilling to do so, then perhaps he is not as sorry as he should be.

When is your counselling starting?