can you be together after infidelty

[Riss70]

is there anyone out there who stayed with thier husbands after he had a one night stand - if so how did you go about things and is it working out OR has he done it again?

The counselling should help, it gives you both the chance to say what you want and helps you to listen to what the other person is saying.

Dont let this fester on it is best to resolve this now.

Whatever you are feeling is ok. And he should be doing whatever it takes to keep you if that is what he wants - whether he thinks it will help or not.

Dont beat yourself up for wanting him to say sorry ect - we dont all know what it takes to get over it but he should be willing to do whatever.

He has said sorry but he also says he does not beleive that saying that is adequate for what he has done

he had made a point of being more considerate than usual and more affectionate whilst not getting annoyed (as he used to) when I have not responded to his advances - I explained that it will take time for me to want to have sex with him again after this. He has been calling me when he is working just to say hello and emailing me at work sometimes (both of these things he has not done for a very long time unless it was to check when I would be home so he could go out or ask if there was spare money in the house account for something)

he has been pulling his weight around the house which he did not usually do before unless I asked him to sometimes to the point of arguing about it (he considered that when he wasn't working that all he needed to do was watch the chidlren whislt he was at home) - he has always kept the yard very well though.

I have asked him for details about the sex and he describes something quite unemotional - it was appraently over within minutes and then off their seperate ways - I went and had blood tests and he told me that was not needed - I indicated that I needed it for my peace of mind and he did not carry on about that

He gets a little annoyed at me bringing up things about the situation but I explained to him that I can not just forget it and get on with things and that he will need to answer my questions and deal with my discussion if he wants to get through this and he has been accepting of that and answering my queries when asked even if not exactly what I was hoping to ehar (he is not a great communicator)

he has said that he will go to counselling and that he is prepared to do whatever I need to get through this but also let me know that he does not know if he can be as expressive and I may need him to be as it is something he finds very difficult (this tends to run in his family - you can be happy or angry but anything else is suppressed)

he is aware that at present, my priamry reason for considering continuing is the children - I have told him that directly - I also said that I know what kind of man he can be and how good it can be between us (as it sued to be) and that if we do decide to work through this that is what I intend to focus on rather than simply the children

I am unsure if he feels trapped or not - I believe he is on a good wicket as I earn over 65k a year and he has been able to pick and choose where and when he wants to work - if he feels trapped he should not in my opinion as I have told him that he can leave without fear of repercussion RE: time with his children I would never deprive them of time with him as they love him to bits and he is a good father - additionaly with Austrlaina law I would be the one that would end up paying him money of we seperated not vice versa

essentially he has failed to grow with the responsabilities of marriage and children which is partially my fault - I have allowed this to hapen through taking all the responsabilities - he is always out drinking with the lads till early hours of the morning - sometimes daylight, he gambles and his time with the boys have been a priority to him - when I have been pis*ed off about this he has gone to his mother saying what a mean wife I am and at times she has further financed his playtime when he has spent all his money and I would not provide more from the house funds or my own personal funds (we get the same spending money each a week (100) and the remainder goes into a house account where all living expenses come from)

I say he's a great bloke or lad, good father, good friend and son etc just not real good at being a husband

the counselling starts next week I got a call from them today gicing us an appointment so I am loking forward to it.

we have talked about many things surrounding this indiscretion and allthough he admitts it he claims he wasn't out looking for it and that she approached him - as things had not been good for a while, he was somewhat drunk and annoyed at me from an arguement earlier that day he just took the opportunity that was apaprently being offered - I said that it made no difference to me if he hunted for it or it landed in his lap - he did it - I also said that I am not annoyed at her she did not betray me as allthough we work in the same place I only know her by sight - he was the one who betrayed me so her actions don't come into it from my perspective

all in all he appears to be making an effort but I am still to raw to think that I can trust him at present orsee that I mighjt be able to in the future (I only found out about 2-3 weeks ago and it happened 4 weeks before that)

I hope that cousenlling will help us sort out where to go from here

you havent said anywhere whether or not he used a condom, you said that it may take a while to want to sleep with him, i wouldnt sleep with him until he's at least got checked out, even if he said he used a condom still get him checked out first, because even though he may say he used a condom for the actual act, if he had touched her then him self or something of the sort things can still be transmitted.

i hope you manage to sort this out

my husband did, and we stayed together- it was 4 yrs ago now. it was dreadful to start with and i still dont trust him (would have trusted him explicitly before) but itsd ok. things are mostly good. we even had another child together. tbh although i would never admit it to him i feel like i almost drove him to it at that time so partly i feel to blame. not sure if we would be together now if it wasnt for the kids. conversely maybe it wouldn t have happened in the first place if we didnt have kids.

That all sounds ver possitive, people do make mistakes - just that some men seem to make the same one!!!

You sound very together and remember you dont have to make a decision just yet. Take as much time as you need.

Things can get back to how they used to be - believe me.

I am sure he will open up a bit with some help and with a good counsellor it will be fine.

Try and be kind to yourself and enjoy the extra attention and help is giving you.

It is not an easy time but it will get easier. Dont worry abuot the trust thing too much either - he has to earn that back.

Good luck

I think it is positive his behaviour actually changed I think before I found out....we have been doing family activities on the weekend which previously we delegated as his time with the lads, we have been camping by the beach twice one of those arrenged before I found out but occured after I found out eg arranged on the monday and I found out on the tuesday and we went camping on the saturday

he has arranged a carer and taken me out for tea we have been for walks along the beach late at night etc we have not done either of those things for about 3-4 years minimum

as for a condom he eluded to having used one stating that he had not put anyone's health at risk and that I did not need to go for the blood tests and sexual health screening that I had a couple of days ago - I explained that I DID need thoe things done (I should get the results tommorrow.....)

as for driving him to it I DO NOT beleive that is possible I have been in situation where extramarital sex has been an option and there for the taking but chose instead to honour my vows

I have said to him that we can go our seperate ways and seek taht new flush of romance however in time the same old issues are likely to arise which is why I chose not to take the easy option of an affair when I was desperately unhappy and needing a connection with someone....until we address the issues both personal and within the relationship that allowed it to deteriorate then we are only making temporary measures to alleviate the feels of dis-satisfaction by moving onto someting new

I hope that cousnelling will allow him to open up as this is one of the things that were greatly lacking in our relationship he felt unable to and I felt shut out and isolated because of that....I tried to reign that in as I felt like we were drifting apart due to the lack of communication and the more I pulled in the harder he pulled away until I just stopped bothering and everything just fell away from that

things have been better in the last couple of weeks than they have for a VERY long time and i hope that we can maintain this path lets see.........

anyhow,........ thank you all so much for you words of wisdom they have assisted me greatly no dobut now that I have discovered MN i will continue to utilise the network and if there is anything further anyone would like to add I would greatly appreciate it

Riss, I think a relationship can work after a one night stand, but you and DH have to have some serious soul searching conversations about it. He has to accept that he has to talk it through with you. Over time, you will find that you talk and think about it less and less.

I think the fact that something like this happens means there is an underlying problem in the relationship, which has to be addressed if you are to move on. Counselling may help, as others have said. I also think that if you can work this out, you may find that your relationship actually ends up being stronger than before, not weaker.

Once you have decided to try and work it out, then you need to work on building trust back up. He needs to show you that he can be trusted, and that he values and loves YOU. From your side, I think it is really important that you don't throw this at him every time you have an argument, or it will never go away.

I think also he has to understand too that if it ever happens again you won't be so understanding a second time.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Thank Henri - I hope we can move past it and I beleive (hopefully this is not delusional) that we will be a stronger closer couple if we get through it as that is the way it apears to be heading allthough in saying that it is VERY VERY early days yet

it may be unfortunate that my work invovles interogation, investigation and determining degress of honesty and remorse which I unfrotunately am at times applying to our current situation and having to pull myself up.......opps!

And yes you are right there have been many issues that really haven't been underlying just being ignored and it appears we ahve come to a cross road of address these or part ways and it seems as though he is wanting t address them and I beleive that I am prepared to do so (at this exact moment in time - my thoughts and feelings have been a rolelrcoaster) hopefully counselling will assist in all sorts of ways

You sound as if you are going to make this work, it is a rollercoaster of emotions but it will settle down.

Good luck with it all

Thanks Hurt...you have helped a lot

FWIW, a friend of mine tells me her relationship is massively stronger after a similar blip her DH had 10 years or so ago now, before they were even married, and before any children had made an appearance. Testament to it being possible to building trust back up. We are all only human after all.

Another way to look at it would be to say thank goodness this happened now, rather than the underlying issues festering further, and something far more serious happening a couple of years down the line.

I really hope it works out for you.

Thanks Henri and I think it can.......... after all sex is just sex an there is so much more to a relationship than that and hopefully this will be a catylyst for us to address the issues that have been ignored for far to long now as both of us deserve to be happy and fullfilled as neither of us are bad people.....even if we do decide to go our seperate ways after cousnelling hopefully we both will have learnt something and addressed some personal issues that have impacted on this relationship and pther sin the past (prior to living where we are now we were from a small community about 4500 poeple - so I have had the luck/misfourtune however you chose to view it (they seemed nice enough girls to me and he remained friends with most of them) knowing his ex partners and it seems that his issues has always been communication and an inability to express emotions)

and the other thing you are right about he must know that this will never be tolerated again under any circumstance and that if it does he will have to leave....I am making an appointment with a solicitor to get advice and give consideration to a post-nuptual agreement depending on the advice I may well consider asking him to enter into one.......just in case he is all too human again

OOPS MUCH OF THAT MESSAGE WAS JUMBLED - TOO MANY CHARDONAYS TONIGHT (HE HAS A CASUAL SHIFT AND THE KIDS ARE IN BED ASLEEP - AHH PRECIOUS TIME TO SELF;-)

What I meant was I know most of his ex girlfriends from pre teens years up to just prior to our getting together (in his mid-late twenties) and they seem in the main to be nice girls

he has also stayed friends with them and on a couple of very drunked nights out with the girls there have been some disclosures about what a nice guy he is and how he never could express himself or share his feelings

Just a little excitement here - I got the blood test and sexual health screening results back 2 minutes ago and they are all clear

Fantastic news and good for you for being brave enough to do it.

Thanks Hurt.....I had to do it I couldn't bury my head in the sand and wait that's not me

You sound a bit like me then, Read the other post about friend having affair.

Hope things are working out for you, you will be stonger becasue of all this and know yourself better too.