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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gas lighting

34 replies

onemoresmartie · 23/09/2018 11:57

Is the worst form of emotional abuse! Being made to believe that I am the problem when I know I'm not. I have a good heart and I know I'm a good person
Any tips for dealing with this?

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 23/09/2018 12:00

Run (fast).

category12 · 23/09/2018 12:01

Leave the situation. Cut contact with the gaslighter.

onemoresmartie · 23/09/2018 12:03

How do you
Know when it's not you?

OP posts:
category12 · 23/09/2018 12:13

Give some examples of what happens, perhaps. But you know what you've said and done, you need to trust yourself.

onemoresmartie · 23/09/2018 12:15

He always says I belittle him when I have an opinion and I speak up for myself
Last week we had a row and he's turned it round on me and said he won't put up with it anymore

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/09/2018 12:40

@onemoresmartie I think I have seen some of your posts about your partner. I really don’t think it’s you and you should exit the relationship. You know that something doesn’t feel right. My ex’s favourite line was I don’t listen to him. I always did yet every situation would be my fault and he would then stonewall me for three days at a time. Leave now before he fucks with your head even further is my advice x

onemoresmartie · 23/09/2018 12:43

We aren't together anymore but he is sending me messages that his dad has been given x amount of time to live, he's having panic attacks etc so I feel bad and I haven't blocked him.

It's so hard to let go of him, we had a year apart and got back together and now it's happening all over again just this time has to be final I know as it's a waste of time but it's so hard

OP posts:
category12 · 23/09/2018 12:49

You need to cut contact. His issues are nothing to do with you and you don't owe him your emotional energy or support. You broke up for good reason.

"I'm sorry to hear that, you should go and see your gp re the panic attacks. But we're not together any more, and you need to look to your family and friends for support now, not me. Best wishes. Goodbye." and block.

JugglingaBoxofFrogs · 23/09/2018 13:07

You need to go No Contact RIGHT NOW. He is emotionally manipulating you with tales of woe, hoping that you will continue to keep in touch with him. This is the "reeling back in" that these people are very good at.

From the little you have said, these are all big red flags. Run away. Don't look back. Try to wipe him out of your mind. He is messing with your head. You've already started to wonder if it is you. This will drive you crazy so block every way he has of contacting you and start to recover from this.

Don't do what I did, and put up with it for 30 years. It really does not get any better. I promise.

Google "gray rock" and then become one (to him). Flowers

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 24/09/2018 13:35

His Dad could probably carry an elephant and all the shopping, as one of my friends would say. I imagine he would be highly surprised to hear that that he has only a short time to live.

Anyway, if it's true, surely your ex needs all the time with his Dad that he can get, that should be your focus.

Feefeetrixabelle · 24/09/2018 13:39

He knows you have a kind heart which is why he’s playing games with it. Send your condolences about his dad. And then block him.

blueangel1 · 24/09/2018 13:40

@onemoresmartie I've seen some of your other posts. He is doing what is known as "hoovering" - he's trying to suck you back in with sob stories or promises of being nicer in future. It's all lies, like all the other shit that abusers come out with.

Block his number. Every day you don't hear from him, it will get easier.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2018 13:40

onemoresmartie

re your comment:-

"We aren't together anymore but he is sending me messages that his dad has been given x amount of time to live, he's having panic attacks etc so I feel bad and I haven't blocked him"

You're being further manipulated by him; this is exactly what such people do. He is relying on you to feel bad; this is part of his punishment towards you for having the gall in his eyes of leaving him; he being a "perfect" specimen of manliness. Do not fall for it.

He has no reason to send you messages but does so out of wanting absolute power and control over you. Please block him now for your own sake because this sort of abusive behaviour really does escalate and quickly too.

CottonTailRabbit · 24/09/2018 13:41

You say you still care for your ex. Well, he feels that your normal behaviour belittles him. He is having panic attacks. His dad is dying allegedly. You would be a cruel and horrible person to maintain contact with him if all of that is true.

One last message back to him: "I have decided that you are right, we are not good for each other. I am blocking your number now so we can each get on with our lives. Goodbye."

onemoresmartie · 25/09/2018 16:41

Oh god....I drove to his house yesterday found him in a bad way he was having panic attacks,etc
I felt so bad for him in every way so I brought him back to mine to stay for the night 😑

I want to slap myself...feel like I've taken a massive step back

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 25/09/2018 16:48

Are you a medical professional? Expert in panic attacks?

Take him back home right now.

If he has any more attacks in your presence and you feel unable to leave him then call an ambulance. He needs professional help.

What's happening now?

onemoresmartie · 25/09/2018 16:50

He's been fine since last night, I took him home today and he was laughing and smiling again so all seems okay.

I told him to go to the docs which he has refused to do.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/09/2018 18:20

How long are you going to stay on this roundabout?

onemoresmartie · 25/09/2018 18:28

It's horrendous and my family aren't talking to me again...I drove there yesterday as I needed desperately to see how he was. He came back last night I drove
Of course and no contribution to petrol and I paid for us to have breakfast this morning
I am trying not to think badly but I can't help thinking he is abusing my nice nature

OP posts:
category12 · 25/09/2018 18:33

Of course he is abusing your kind nature. You know he is.

Just stop. End it definitively, block him, go cold turkey.

onemoresmartie · 25/09/2018 18:39

If I do that now after him being at mine last night and sleeping together I know it will look bad!

OP posts:
category12 · 25/09/2018 18:41

Who cares? The relationship is bad for you. How many more years do you intend to waste on hurting yourself?

0ccamsRazor · 25/09/2018 18:46

Op pull up your big girl pants and start taking charge of your own life.

onemoresmartie · 25/09/2018 18:48

I feel awful now tho for leading him on, I shouldn't of turned up at his house like I did...think I was curious to see if he had moved on as had a gut feeling but look where it's got me now 😑

OP posts:
category12 · 25/09/2018 18:53

Try reading up on codependency

Wikipedia - "Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree.[18] One of the distinctions is that healthy empathy and caregiving is motivated by conscious choice; whereas for codependents, their actions are compulsive, and they usually aren't able to weigh in the consequences of them or their own needs that they're sacrificing.[citation needed] Some scholars and treatment providers feel that codependency is an overresponsibility and that overresponsibility needs to be understood as a positive impulse gone awry. Responsibility for relationships with others needs to coexist with responsibility to self.[19]

Codependency has been referred to as the disease of a lost self.[3][20] Codependent relationships are marked by intimacy problems, dependency, control (including caretaking) denial, dysfunctional communication and boundaries, and high reactivity. Often, there is imbalance, so one person is abusive or in control or supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.[21] Some codependents often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helper types are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs.[2] Many codependents place a lower priority on their own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[22]"