How to get over this?

[Lorddenning1]

I am really struggling to deal with the end of a relationship.
We have been together for 9 years and have two children. We have always had to work hard at our relationship, we are not right for each other, we both want different things out of life, I'm ambitious and outgoing he smokes weed and wants to stay in all the time. We had been arguing a lot lately and we started screaming in front of the children, after a bad argument a few weeks ago he decided he had enough and arranged to go and stay with his brother, the said it was over, but then said he is treating this as a break away from me.
I can be hard work too, but I'm going to get some councilling and help for this. A week after we split I read his Facebook messages and saw he had been talking to 4 different girls, it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would but a week later I read them again and one girl in particular (his ex ex) the conversation has moved on, to I can't wait to see u, I miss you etc. I was gutted and logged out so I can't see anything else. I have since confronted him about it and he was angry that I have read his messages and told me that he had already slept together, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I can't eat or sleep.
He had had the kids this weekend and I have since found out my son had watched his dad video chat this new girlfriend and he got shy bcoz he didn't want to speak to her and she laughed etc. I'm angry at this. It's been 4 weeks since he moved to his brothers and I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I can't eat or sleep proper and I can't stop thinking about them together and what they may be doing. It's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of at night, I sometimes cry myself to sleep. Please tell me I will get through this, I can't see how I will though,,,, hand hold please

Ah I totally feel for you and I can't offer any advice, I just felt compelled to let you know I understand the heart ache, I've had on off relationship for the past 6 years with a man that uses silence when we break up and goes to stay with his dad, the heart ache I felt was disgusting, darkest time of my life, it's completely consuming, I wish you all the best xx

Lord - I've spilt after 20 plus years. Different circumstances but I understand your pain and how you feel. It's the loss of the life you thought you had - even though deep down you weren't happy. I was the same - deep down the relationship wasn't making us happy - but I thought we were "trying" and still hoping we could fix it whereas he was "trying" to get with another woman. I'm a couple of months down and starting to come through the other side although I know it's still going to take a while more before I feel happy again. But the churning in my stomach has some excitement thrown in and not just dread and fear. You will get through this and a better life awaits you and DC.

Thank you for your replies, I think break ups are one of the most difficult things you have to go through, iv been through break ups before and they are hard but it's harder with children as you have to see and speak to your ex still.
Initially I was doing ok with the break up, I was getting used to the new routine and I felt a weight had been lifted and the house was peaceful.
It's only changed since I have found out about his new girlfriend, I think I'm in shock still. I can't get the two of them out of my head, it's consuming me and I can't stop crying. He told me he hasn't loved me for a while and it's nice to look at her face and not hate her as he does me.
The irony is that I was getting depressed when we where together as the relationship was making me unhappy, he is a gambling addict and smokes weed a lot and I felt free when it ended so I'm confused as to why I feel like this :(

The thing that would annoy me most is him involving your children in his new relationship so soon.

He doesn't sound good enough for you tbh. A weed smoking, lacking in ambition man is hardly a catch.

It really is awful, I had days and still do when I struggle just to do everyday tasks, heartache is so painful and has so many dimensions. I hope you find some peace from the suffering soon xx

The Grief Curve/Relationships. Go google it because it highlights the stages you go through which might help you be aware of why you're feeling the way you do right now. It's tough OP, but you seem to recognise how tough it was to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same values as you and maybe if you keep reminding yourself, maybe form a bit of a mantra, it might act as sort of an anchor for you during this time?

I honestly think it won't be long before this awful stage passes and you realise you've lost a total dead weight from your life. She's got the turkey, you're free.

What hurts is the lack of respect after so long. He is an addict and as such is simply not present. All these years you've been living with an illusion - perhaps after all that it looks like he's alive to her? I assure you he isn't, he is as dead as ever while he's using.

He's a shit to do this the way he has. Others on here mention Baggage Reclaim is a great help.

Take care 🌸

For now my brain is blocking out all the bad things, it's currently showing me a video montage of all the good times, including bringing our 2 children home from the hospital. He has told me that he goes round to hers and smokes weed with her in the evenings, she sounds like his ideal women (they were actually engaged around 13 yrs ago) she has come out of a 10 year relationship to an abusive alcoholic so she must think she has won the lottery.

I know I have a chance to find someone who will treat me better but I just can't see it yet. I keep thinking if we had stayed together for the children, what would I have left once the children had grown up and left, the answer to that is nothing. I also keep thinking I don't want my children to grow up knowing about drugs, they are too young now to understand but they won't always be little forever, there will be a time when they will know what their dad does.

Oops, posted on wrong thread, above - I'll very it deleted!

I stand by the first paras tho

she has come out of a 10 year relationship to an abusive alcoholic so she must think she has won the lottery.

Are you kidding?? She's jumped from one hot pan to another. You don't honestly think an abusive alcoholic is worse than him do you?

@springydaff I was going to say wow thats very direct and blunt, a bit of tough love there. I am listening to what people are saying and it's given me hope that I won't always feel like this.
I do like the grief curve relationship thing and iv actually saved the link so I can look any time I want. I'm just struggling at the moment and turned to MN for support, I'm sure I can pass my wisdom down to someone else in the future.

Keep reminding yourself that your DC will have a far better role model in You alone then their weed doped Dad with no ambition and gambles away their financial security...

He's been cocklodging with you for years!

I'm so sorry I got that wrong op! Please don't think that was for you xx

I take it you're not married. He has kids and needs to ensure maintenance with them. You need proper boundaries about access etc.
He is no catch. The way he has handheld it is appalling. Ugh. Seems he delights and wants you to know to make you jealous? Perhaps reply that you have no problem him FaceTiming, sexting or whatever he wants with the gf but that should be front out of sight of the kids. Say you do your own chats when the kids are asleep. It's their welfare first and you don't want them exposed.
Say you are really happy and relieved for the first time in ages as you just aren't working out, but just need to settle circumstances with the kids.
Fuck him trying to make you feel like shit. Do it back....more matter of factly.
He wants to see you bothered.
Then ask if he can have the kids x night as you are going out on a date/with gfs/whatever....but you are having a life

Thank you for all your replies, I'm loving how strong you all are and I hope very soon il be able to not give a fuck about him and her and just focus on myself and the children. I split with him for them.
I just need to accept it and then I can start to move on, I think I just need time, it's been a week since i found out about her and 3 days since I found out they have slept together, so it hasn't been very long, I think I need to not be too hard on myself. I'm waiting for my inner goddess to roar back, up to now iv been telling him how hard I'm finding it and playing into his hands, pathetic really.
Like you have said I'm well rid and she is welcome to the man child who borrows money all the time. No we are not married and he has been paying his maintenance, he currently has them 1 day a week at his brothers, this gives me 24 hrs of free time, I mostly just sit around missing the kids. This thread is good therapy I am able to re read all your posts, send me some strong vibes :)

Also just been lying in the bath having a good cry and my DS has just walked in and said mummy are u ok I can here you crying and I said yes sorry mummy is just a bit unwell at the moment and he said well can you keep it down I'm trying to sleep,,,, that's me told them

Awwwww kids, all heart at times aren't they!
from me

Thank you :) I stopped bloody crying though too

Does anyone know how long this pain last for?

It's a bit how long is a bit of string

:( I had a good evening last night, had a hot bath and watched some tv and I was feeling more positive and relaxed about things, I kept repeating "he is gone and your free" which made me happy and smile a bit, this morning I woke up and it's the first thing I thought of and it's hit me all over again :(
I've taken some time off work and the kids are at nursery and school so I'm just lied on my couch listening to Amy wine house back to Black like a pathetic freak I am.
I need to accept that life will be different now, it's just me and the kids, and that I wanted this.

I know what you mean...

I was fine with a split for a year and then when he found someone new I found it really hard. I think ou have just had it all at once which makes it harder

Look up Dan Jones hypnosis love removal process on utube . Worked for me! You just listen to it. Make sure you are alone so your not interrupted.

Thank you @adayatthebeach I will do this later when the kids have gone to bed :( I will give anything a go.