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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling discusting, tmi, possible trigger

31 replies

Whereartthouname · 23/09/2018 07:07

Name changed for reasons
I have been with dp for 8 years, 3 children, we dont live together because i told him to leave a year ago due to laziness, refusing to work and general anger and not giving a hoot about me. Dp begged for me to stay in a relationship with him. Not even sure what that means. Countless times i have broken it off as i see no hope of marriage or him changing - i know i know- but he begs and says how horrible lofe is and doesnt want anyone else. Anyway back to the current issue. He said he will try to get work help out etc if i try to have sex and be more affectionate. I am not and after 3 kids on me all day (breastfeeding included) im all touched out. 2 of my kids are asd. I also want to vomit at the thought of sex. It makes my skin crawl. I had a traumatic birth with my baby a year ago and needed everything to come out along with baby, my reproductive organs and cervix and sex has been agonising. Iv only done it 2ce. I just hate it. Friday he lent me $700 to get my car fixed. He is on benifits but doesnt pay rent or any bills (lives with his parents) so he has it save up. I rent a house, have all kinds of bills as u can imagine. I didnt want to borrow it but he insisted and i need a car to get kids to therapy so i accepted. He jokinly said u owe me sex later. I said yea right. Friday nite rolls around and im exhausted (he stays weekends occasionally) and i snuck into bed knowing he was going to hit me up i avoided him. Saturday night comes around im exhausted too because well its hard work having 2 disabled kids and a baby and a house to run with no help. I climb into ned at 11pm and immediately he rolls over (after playing his video game in bed for 12 hrs straight) and wants it. I said no. He said well u promised. I said no i didnt. We fight a bit and i say fine just do it hurry up i hate sex i dont want to do it but i owe u money so i guess i have to (i know mind gamey of me but i wanted him to feel bad. He never feels ad and skates through life) he daid isnt that rape i said just hurry up. So he does. I cry the whole time. He sais are u ok at the end... i tell him to just go. I cleaned myself up and crawled into one of the kids beds. Its now 4pm sunday and he hasnt said a word to me he would no im pissed. I know its not rape because i told him to do it but i thought he was going to say well dont worry about it. He knows how painful it is for me and how for the next 2 days it feels like im peeing raser blades i cant belive he didnt care. Why do i feel so discusted i cant even look at him then again why am i angry i told him to do it. I think this is the end for me and dp. I wanted to throw up when he touched me

OP posts:

minmooch · 23/09/2018 08:09

Wiser people than me will come along and give you good advice. I didn't want to read and not comment.

Please please find some support outside your relationship to get this man out of your life. He can parent from afar because he does not sound like he is doing that when he is with you.

What he is doing is abusive. Can you get in touch with WomensAid who will help you get out of this cyclical damaging relationship.

You should not be forced/coerced/emotionally blackmailed into having sex with anyone. The fact that this man would do this to you knowing you are in pain is revolting - he cares nothing for you, does not mind inflicting pain on you. This is not love - this is abuse.

Do you have family or friends who can support you?

RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 23/09/2018 08:10

It is rape because he has pressured you into sex and if you really wanted it you wouldn't have said "just get on with it". I think you need to leave that relationship, not only does he lack respect for you, you both clearly view intimacy in a relationship differently and it can't go on like this.

glitterystuff · 23/09/2018 08:14

He knew you didn't want to have sex; you cried and he carried on; he pressured you over and over despite knowing why you find sex a problem.

It actually doesn't matter that you said yes - you were under duress and clearly didn't want to.

You did not actually consent willingly.

You were raped. He may be confused about whether he raped you or not (although he said "isn't that rape?" so that was enough doubt that he should've known not to do it), but again, he put you under pressure, you cried, it was not a loving act.

My dear OP. I send you flowers and hugs. You've been through so much trauma in the birth and physically, and now this, it's entirely understandable why you feel like this. Can I suggest you seek out help from a women's support/rape organisation? It doesn't mean you have to start thinking about police or anything (unless you want to), but you really need specific support to deal with this trauma.

Please don't be harsh on yourself. You deserve to be cared about. Seek support.

glitterystuff · 23/09/2018 08:17

*PS I only mention him possibly doubting because he may use this as an excuse or argument, not because you have to worry about whether he's at fault - you don't, he still did something wrong!

HereIgoagainxx · 23/09/2018 08:25

He's horrendous. If he really want to work on improving your relationship he would treat you with some love and respect.

I'm sorry, but he's an absolute loser.

I think you should talk to your GP. You should not be having all these physical symptoms. Emotionally you sound atvtick bottom as well.

He is an absolute waste of space and forcing you to have sex and seeing you cry through it.... Omg, what a fkn prick. As for the acking are you ok on at the end. ..... What a piece of work. He didn't ask earlier because if you'd said no, I'm not, he would have felt obliged to stop.

WhiteVixen · 23/09/2018 08:26

Wow, what a vile excuse for a man he is! He’ll find a job and help out if you have sex with him more? Sex which is painful and traumatic for you?! Sex that he is happy to have while you lie there crying?! Jesus that just makes me sick.
Please leave him, for good. Leave him to his rubbish life living with his parents saving up all his money. He does not deserve you. Call Women’s Aid and talk to someone there. He is revolting.

HereIgoagainxx · 23/09/2018 08:26

Asking*

TownHall · 23/09/2018 08:39

You need to leave him for good. Don't ever let him stay over. He is a really nasty person.

Also, you should go back to you doctor if you are in so much pain. It's not right.

SpeckledDot · 23/09/2018 08:47

I've been in this situation, but it was before DD came along. You've got to stop doing this to yourself; it's not doing you any good and it won't get better. End this farce of a relationship and focus your on yourself and your children.

Do you have a daughter? What would you say to her if she was in your exact situation?

subspace · 23/09/2018 09:34

I'm so sorry for you.

I got as far as him wanting sex in exchange for him getting a job and i wanted to skip to the comment box to get indignant that sex is for mutual pleasure and that SEX IS NOT A BARTERING OR PAYMENT METHOD but then I read the rest of your post and SHIT.

Drop him like a hot coal, and like you should have done months ago. He is a disgusting VILE piece of abusive manipulative waste of space, shit. He doesn't deserve to breathe the air in your house, let alone sex that leaves you in agony and with tears rolling down your cheeks.

Does he actually pay sufficient maintenance for the children? If not the £700 isn't going to be repaid as it's for child-related expenses AND it can blinking well pay for some counselling for you for what he's put you through.

I'd cut ALL contact that isn't arranging him access to the children, and get advice from a domestic violence group about how to put on record what happened, because It was NOT okay and to put it bluntly should be taken into account for him having access to his children IMO.

NotANotMan · 23/09/2018 09:36

Love, it's still rape.
Are you in the US? You mention him giving you $700.

subspace · 23/09/2018 09:41

And just to add that;

You did not consent to sex in exchange for the money

You did not consent to sex at all. "No no no no no ok then" is NOT a yes.

He acknowledged it was rape and then he still did it.

Zofloramummy · 23/09/2018 09:46

It’s was rape, you didn’t actively want sex with him. The fact that he could manage to do that while you were crying tells you a lot about this man. He is vile, selfish and cruel. You need support to deal with this and don’t let him minimise what has happened.

Please don’t stay in a relationships with this man

Dieu · 23/09/2018 09:46

He has 'begged' you to stay with him because, frankly, no-one else would have him. He is a total loser. I would work on your boundaries and make a complete break with this man.

CaMePlaitPas · 23/09/2018 09:47

Why are you with this person?

Dieu · 23/09/2018 09:47

He honestly doesn't care, and put his own needs well before your own comfort.

pog100 · 23/09/2018 09:50

Aside from everything else, which is just horrible, how come the $700 is a loan, and one you somehow feel you need to prostitute yourself for? Is he paying anything regularly for his childrens' upkeep? Keep the money as a very meagre contribution to maintenance, never have sex with him again, get rid of him.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 09:59

You need to to get some clear and safe boundaries with him. You need to tell him its over - he cant stay over and get (I assume you are in Australia/New Zealand with dollars and the time) maintenance from him that is paid properly

He owes YOU money to help take care of his kids. See this as what he thinks about you and stop worrying or feeling sorry for him and set clear contact and financial stuff up

also are you getting medical help with the post birth issues as I would get that looked at as well

Original poster

Whereartthouname · 23/09/2018 10:12

Thanku for all the replies. Yes im in aust. The dr told us , he was with me at the time that it would get better the more i do it. He reminds me of that all the time. This may be outing to other posts but he said he was suicidal and his kids would be better off without him which is why i try to kwwp him happy. I lost a parent to suicide and I dont want my kids to go through that. He pays $16 a fortnight because thats all he has to pay from child support. Occasionally if im skint i ask and he will chip in for thier sports fees which are about $120 a fortnight. I have a daughter if she was in my position id kill the man. I know what it is but i still feel like i dunno maybe he was too stupid to realise. Im going to pay $100 a fortnight back. He left tonight. After not ssying a word to me while i ran around the kids and cleaning he kissed my forhead and said i love u and walked out. I didn't say anything. I know he will pretend he didnt know i was upset or doesnt remember. I hate him. I think im going to go back to my therapist as soon as i can afford it. Im not going to call or organize when he will see the kids. If he wants to see them he can ring me

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 23/09/2018 10:22

Has he ever worked in the 8 years you've known him or has he always been a lazy shit.

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2018 10:29

Yes get sone help. Keep him out of the house

Original poster

Whereartthouname · 23/09/2018 10:54

He has had 2 jobs each for about 5 months. He says working makes him want to top himself. He loves his kids tho. My girl loves him so much. I think that too is why i keep holding on

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 11:14

You are not responsible for him and you are hurting yourself - he clearly has more issues than you can solve.

Tell his parents that and let them take care of him and take care of yourself and your children

NotANotMan · 23/09/2018 11:30

Your daughter is being conditioned to take responsibility for his mental health just like you do. Wanting to keep daddy happy so he doesn't do something that makes her feel sad isn't love.

Maelstrop · 23/09/2018 15:13

He’s a complete waste of space. Why are you with this loser?

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