Name changed for reasons
I have been with dp for 8 years, 3 children, we dont live together because i told him to leave a year ago due to laziness, refusing to work and general anger and not giving a hoot about me. Dp begged for me to stay in a relationship with him. Not even sure what that means. Countless times i have broken it off as i see no hope of marriage or him changing - i know i know- but he begs and says how horrible lofe is and doesnt want anyone else. Anyway back to the current issue. He said he will try to get work help out etc if i try to have sex and be more affectionate. I am not and after 3 kids on me all day (breastfeeding included) im all touched out. 2 of my kids are asd. I also want to vomit at the thought of sex. It makes my skin crawl. I had a traumatic birth with my baby a year ago and needed everything to come out along with baby, my reproductive organs and cervix and sex has been agonising. Iv only done it 2ce. I just hate it. Friday he lent me $700 to get my car fixed. He is on benifits but doesnt pay rent or any bills (lives with his parents) so he has it save up. I rent a house, have all kinds of bills as u can imagine. I didnt want to borrow it but he insisted and i need a car to get kids to therapy so i accepted. He jokinly said u owe me sex later. I said yea right. Friday nite rolls around and im exhausted (he stays weekends occasionally) and i snuck into bed knowing he was going to hit me up i avoided him. Saturday night comes around im exhausted too because well its hard work having 2 disabled kids and a baby and a house to run with no help. I climb into ned at 11pm and immediately he rolls over (after playing his video game in bed for 12 hrs straight) and wants it. I said no. He said well u promised. I said no i didnt. We fight a bit and i say fine just do it hurry up i hate sex i dont want to do it but i owe u money so i guess i have to (i know mind gamey of me but i wanted him to feel bad. He never feels ad and skates through life) he daid isnt that rape i said just hurry up. So he does. I cry the whole time. He sais are u ok at the end... i tell him to just go. I cleaned myself up and crawled into one of the kids beds. Its now 4pm sunday and he hasnt said a word to me he would no im pissed. I know its not rape because i told him to do it but i thought he was going to say well dont worry about it. He knows how painful it is for me and how for the next 2 days it feels like im peeing raser blades i cant belive he didnt care. Why do i feel so discusted i cant even look at him then again why am i angry i told him to do it. I think this is the end for me and dp. I wanted to throw up when he touched me