Really angry - issues with parents!

[bohemianbint]

Apologies in advance, this is going to be a long ranty one but I've been awake since 4.30am (nothing to do with DS, its just too light!) and I'm doing my own head in.

I've just realised I've got some issues with my parents since DS was born 10 months ago. They're brilliant, they live around the corner and on the whole were/are great. What's made me really sad though is how they've been around me since DS was born. They seem to think it's ok to disrespect a lot of things that I think/do with regard to bringing DS up.

When DS was about a week old they came around and were really pressuring me to put him on formula. I really didn't want to and sat there crying with frustration as I was so tired and I couldn't think straight to put my point across. They ignored the fact I'd said no and was getting really upset. DP was there and said nothing. (I know they were thinking it would give me a break and then they could help but I really disagree with how they went about it.) Ever since I've had to deal with comments about how I should stop and "is he getting enough" etc.

The other major thing is that the first day I was left to look after DS by myself all day was when he was 7 weeks old. It was an absolute nightmare and I made a real pig's ear of it. Which, I assume, is to be expected from any first time parent. My dad popped around to see if I was ok but told me that I was too tense, I shouldn't jump to respond to DS every time he cried (7wks!!) because an adult who expects to have all their needs met is a psycopath, (he works in mental health!) and that I was isolating everyone and that they were going to back off and leave me to it.

Now - I know that often when people criticise your parenting its because they feel by doing things differently you're insulting the way they do it. Or something. And I know we were all left to cry as kids etc and that's probably why I never wanted to do that myself. But they're still making light of any worry that I have or ridiculing the way I choose to do things. I wish that they would just say "well done, you're doing really well" as opposed to me constantly feeling like an idiot.

I really don't know how to handle it. I know they have good intentions but it's been really hard and I've got all this resentment lurking under the surface and I dunno what to do with it. They do a lot for us so I don't feel I can say much and most of the comments they make are in such a way that if I said anything they'd say I was just being silly.

Anyway - I feel better for just getting this down and out of my system but if you've read this far any advice appreciated!

I think your so lucky to have a mum and dad close by, they'll be such a help to you in the future

A lot of your anxiety is quite common, the first year is the hardest

saying chill out won't help, its only time that helps

try to ride it out

this is absolutely the worst time - it's such a total shock. but it DOES get better.

and you are doing all the right things. i also had my mum pressuring me saying, 'oh your milk is running out' and one day i just snapped and said 'i really want to breastfeed, but your comments are making this very difficult for me', and she stopped.

how strongly have you voiced your views? i don't blame your partner for not interfering, i'm sure he doesn't want to cause friction. depending on his relationship with them, do you think he could have a quiet word?

Your post has actually made me realise how lucky I have been with my Mum. She's normally very opinionated but on the subject of dd she's been very restrained.

Her first 6 months were incredibly tough due to my H's depression. Subsequently I was on my own with a very demanding baby who bf constantly!

We had a couple of spats it's true but looking back I can see there were heaps of opportunities for Mum and sdad to try and coerce me away from bf and co-sleeping.

I can totally empathise with the resentment building up. I've had this with my mum as she stays 2 nights per week and at times drives me nuts!

I've found that if I can make a real real effort to be cheerful and grateful then the way opens for me to approach a touchy subject with a great deal less tension.

As my sister reminds me, our Mums really do love us and want the best for us.

Engineer a nice atmosphere and just talk to her. Maybe start off admitting how tough being a mum is, let her know you appreciate how much she has done for you over the years. Get a bit of Mum solidarity going on iyswim!!

Then explain your reasons for doing things the way you do. I was always very clear about why I wanted to bf and co-sleep and use cloth etc etc. Let her know that 10 months in you're feeling more confident about making your own decisions, her help and advice is appreciated but that you're forging your own path as well.

If you don't feel able to broach all this with her then either the resentment will boil over into a big row or you need to park it and choose to let all the things that bug you wash over you and not get upset.

Sorry, I've rambled on! HTH and hope you can sort things out. I still have a pretty challenging relationship with my Mum. I have to put a lot of effort in for her not to be huffy etc and I resent that but ultimately if I can manage it then I benefit from the outcome!!

bohemianbint - I have had similar comments from different family members and have come to the conclusion that they just don't realise they are doing it. They really think they are helping you by advicing these things.

The best thing to do is to carry on doing things the way you want to , and ignore them, easier said then done I know!

Yes, they are your parents, and it's good that they care about you and the baby, BUT that doesn't give them the right to make you feel bad about your parenting skills, and you're quite right to feel angry and to want them to back off.

That they tried to force you to ff when you wanted to bf is a bit unforgivable ime, it's a time when you need utmost support, not someone waving the easy option in your face. It's not like you didn't know ff was an option!

You've said you feel disrespected, and that's not fair. There comes a point in your life where you have to stand up to your parents and let them see that not only can you make your own mistakes, but you can cope, and actually do a pretty good job. What bad luck that your Dad came round that time when you were really vulnerable!

And as for what he said comparing babies to adult psychopaths, if he works in mental health then he should have learnt a little about developmental psychology. Babies minds aren't the same as adults, they are born a ball of needs and wants, at 7 weeks they simply don't have the capability to manipulate their parents, they are simply communicating their needs, which are primitive. And you were reacting the way any mother would.

How many babies has he had grow in his womb? because he may have been a parent but it's a different thing to be a mother and have all those PERFECTLY NORMAL hormones raging through you when your baby cries.

At seven weeks no mother should be ignoring their babies cries, because at that age they are learning to trust that someone will come, no-one will leave them to starve etc Leaving a baby to cy should come when they're a LOT older and are crying for different reasons, when they just want attention or to play with you instead of sleep etc.

I think that you need to stop listening so much to your parents when they only have negative things to say. Stand your ground and say "thanks but we like it this way" or "I appreciate your advice, but I have been advised by the health visitor to do it this way"

Don't assume that because they are your parents they know best, they're only people, and their methods of raising children are now old, so it's a bit like referring to an old childcare book, without all the recent scientific studies and developments.

You sound like you're doing absolutely fine, and well done you for bf in spite of their lack of support!

I can't believe the comment you're lucky to have your parents nearby! Ha ha. Yes, to undermine you and constantly question your parenting. This kind of thing makes me so angry because I went through it myself and I was so miserable as a result.

It is hard this time because you're unsure of yourself. You stick to your guns. You've got to learn to trust your instinct and know that you are the mother, you decide what is best for YOUR child.

Don't be too grateful to your parents. They get huge benefits from being near to you too don't forget. And the argument that doing things differently to your parents is insulting to them is absolutely ridiculous. You may as well hand over your child to them for them to bring up if that's your POV.

Next time they say something you feel isn't supportive or questioning you, simply reply with, "Thank you for your advice. But I'm the parent here and I'll decide what's best for my child." I think to get rid of the resentment you have

the comment about turning a seven week old baby into a pyschopath is a bit dim (to put it kindly)- if he says such a thing again, laugh and tell him not to be so ridiculous.

I hate being told I'm lucky to have family (dh's family) close by. We have family close by because we chose to live near them. Nothing to do with luck.

And evidence has shown that babies who cry and who are not responded to are the ones who grow up mentally disturbed. Silly parents you've got.

I sympathise bohemian - I don't have the same problem as you but I would be surprised if any mum on MN has never had to deal with some interfering/ criticism well meaniing or not from family or friends. Everyone becomes an expert in raising their own children and if they feel they have done a good job - they are quick to question actions that vary from their own methods. This is particulary a generational isue as the expert advice 30 yrs ago is very different (I am sure I am not telling anything you don't know here!).

My mum visits to help 2/3 times a week and with lively 1 and 2 yo's to look after - i am grateful. But - and this is a big but. I am equally glad that she is only here now I am on dc no2 as in the first year of my first childs life I would have been vulnerable to any questioning of what i was doing, from feeding to sleeping and everything else in-between. My mum was hundred of miles away then so I was able to find my own way and speak to my own peers also on first babies about uncertaunties which was a more supportive atmos. as we were al in the same boat. My partner was deferential to my decisions, and in-laws also. I was v lucky.

as it is when mum queries my cont. bf'ing dd at 14m or if she is making judging comments about how long I am taking over ds's potty training - I can smile sweetly at her and say "fuck off!!!!" in my head. If you are unable to do this - if your parents are too undermining then speak to your dp - and decide a strategy together - if you have any friends with babies (through ante-natal groups or playgroups) have a moan with them - I bet they will all have their own family related complaints.

Please don't let them undermine your confidence as a parent - I really hope that if your folks realised this was the result of their help - they would be horrified.

Sorry to be so longwinded - hope that helps - good luck[solidarity emoticon req'd]

Just a thought but one strategy constantly recommended by parenting books when you need a child to listen and not argue is for the Mother and Father to physically stand together to make a united front when speaking to the child. Perhaps you could modify this for when your parents are about?

I know your dp doesn't want to cause any friction between himself and your parents but next time they start talking down to you, perhaps you could slip an arm around his waist and smile and say "well, we've considered that, but we've decided to do it this way, haven't we dp?"

MUCH harder to argue against!

Thanks everyone for the advice. It has been really tough year, not only have I had to adjust to being a mum, I lost my gran on christmas day, my grandad 8 weeks later, I've had some probs with DP who got made redundant just before I went on mat leave and to round it all off I've just gone bankrupt!

I have wondered on occasion if I've had a bit of PND, or whether being down some days is a perfectly normal response to the amount of crap that's happened. Having my decisions/worries dismissed or ridiculed really hasn't helped and there have been times that I've questioned my own judgment; know I'm doing the right thing for me really but I've been at a low ebb and am not my usual feisty self.

At least you've alll helped to get a bit of perspective and realise I'm not just some loony hippy. Thinking about it a lot might be to do with the way that my biological mother did things, (whilst she was around to bother!) She had an easy(ish) labour and BF for a while, whilst my mum (stepmum who brought us up) had a nightmare labour with my sister, FF and has a very different approach to things.

I like the idea of me and DP presenting a literally united front! Will deffo give that one a whirl as I think they're far more likely to pay attention to his concerns than mine.

You are totally normal. I was exactly the same as you in the sense that I just didnT want anyone interfering. I think I would have really flipped if someone would have openly treated my breastfeeding the way your parents did. Sorry, no offence to them, but it sounds like they have only been thinking of themselves. Why on earth was the only day youd had to yourself at 7 weeks?!! Of course you didnt make a pigs ear of it. Why on <span class="italic">earth</span> did your dad pop round to see how you were getting on?!! AS if he could know how to care for your baby better than you The number one thing a woman needs after having a baby is <strong>privacy</strong> and it sounds like you havent had any of that.
The number two thing a woman needs is to be allowed to make her own mistakes so she can learn from them.

I let my MIL come. BIG MISTAKE. It was only after I put my foot down at 5 months and wouldnt let her come anymore that I finally started relaxing and enjoying my baby. These people who try to "help" can only help you by leaving you along. Im so annoyed for you at the way your parents have treated you.
Nobody knows how to bring up your baby better than you. You`re the mother.
Its time for your parents to butt out and leave you alone.

hi again, well definately sounds like you've had a huge amount to deal with so it's not surprising you're feeling at a low ebb.

and given all the other stuff you really can do without having your parenting choices questioned. you sound like the sort of person who would ordinarily let this wash over you. maybe, in fact, it's become a bigger issue because of all the other traumatic things that have happened over which you've had no control.......

i bf & co-slept till 15m (dd self-weaned ) and had every intention of continuing longer. only now does my mum feel she can tell me how worried she was about me and dd this time last year but how pleased and happy she is that both dd and i are doing so well.

dd is a happy, sociable and confident gorgeous girl who has mini-breaks with the GPs now - I attribute some of this to my close parenting skills.

personally, i'd really try to do this informally and amicably rather than make it all formal and awkward with this united front thing........

are there also issues between your mum and step-mum? does your smum want you to follow her lead as she brought you up?

hope things are on the up for you soon - you sound like you're doing a great job under difficult circumstances.

My mum also lives close to me and we are very close and DS and I see a lot of her and they adore each other. Initally she made me feel like an incompetant berk but as my confidence grew as a parent, I came to realise that just because I didn't always want to do things her way didn't make my way the wrong way.

We still have the odd tetchy moment when she thinks I should be doing something different (she doesn't like him having a dummy, but it doesn't worry me; she thinks I should start potty training, I don't think he's anywhere close to ready). But mostly in those cases, I smile internally and think "yes but what I want is going to happen becuase I'm his mother" and ignore it.

I did at one point say to her "I wish you wouldn't say things like that, you make me fel like an incompetant idiot" which did help a bit, but tbh the biggest help was me becoming more confident and stopping caring about it so much.

Good luck.

Here's some comments my (lovely) mum and MIL came out with in the early weeks:

'Well, of course you're tired, if you were bottlefeeding he'd be on a 4 hour routine by now.'

'I think you aren't producing enough milk, just like I didn't.'

'Are you still feeding him? (i.e. 45 mins after starting)'

'Why are you only using one breast per feed?'

'If he doesn't gain an ounce a week, you'll have to bottlefeed.'

etc etc etc etc.

Reading your original post made me feel as sweaty, desperate, miserable and hormonal as I felt then. I feel for you so much. It is absolutely DESPERATE sometimes in those early weeks.

You are the best parent your child could have and they ONLY want you.

Now, admittedly, all these people are looking at you and seeing a tired, unhappy, stressed person. They are trying to be 'kind' and 'helpful' in the only way that people 'helped' them, because in their generation they were told by professionals that formula was just as good, if not better (my aunt was told by her midwife that condensed milk was just as good as breastmilk so that's what she fed her third on - not uncommon, apparently). You have had a completely miserable time and presumably have very little cash for help in the house, nice food, trips out to cafes or any of the small stuff that can make the early weeks a little easier.

No advice really, I just wanted to say how much your original post brought the early weeks back, and how angry I feel when these thoughtless comments are made. All I can say is that you've had a rotten time and things must - must! - get better.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job - especially with everything else you've been dealing with.

It's no wonder that your confidence has been shaken if you were not given the space to be with your DS alone all day until he was 7 weeks and then your Dad still felt the need to check up...Totally agree with Sakura with the privacy thing. We all make mistakes but it would be nice to be able to make them without the eyes of judgemental family members watching our every move!

I have had similar problems with MIL although she lives abroad so don't see her very often. She came to stay just after DD was born and made me feel totally clueless. Looking back I can see that a lot of her 'advice' was absolutely barking and it's very frustrating when you don't feel able to stand your ground. I also have a lot of resentment simmering about this and my feelings towards her have been damaged irreparably.

In many ways I accept this though because she is my MIL. It's different when it's your own parents. When my parents say anything I disagree with I feel like I can tell them quite openly as they're my parents but I think it's got a bit tense between my Mum and Dad and DP a few times.

Next time they say something you find unhelpful or feel that they are undermining you tell them simply that as a first-time Mum, you might not be brimming over with confidence but you do feel you are doing the best for your child and you would like some support for your choices and parenting decisions.

The other thing I do with my MIL to try and 'include' her in some way and make her feel as though she is advising me somehow is to ask for her advice from time to time. We disagree on some really fundamental things which I refuse to budge over so almost as a compromise I will then ask for her advice on a smaller issue. (Mind you, when I asked for her opinion on potty training, she said I should be starting at 8 months...surely that can't be right...?)

The other thing I wanted to say was that I was very naive I think before DD was born. Everyone says the first few weeks are going to be tough and you'll be exhausted, weepy, etc. But I can honestly say that what I found the most difficult was dealing with my MIL. How bonkers is that? While she was here I cried every day and yes, lots of it was exhaustion and hormones but a lot of it was through the sheer bloody frustration of having to struggle to be able to do anything the way I wanted to do it - even changing nappies FFS!! AArggh!! Can you tell am still frustrated??

Sorry, rant over now...

My mum spent the early years of my dc's lives telling me what I was doing wrong (everything, apparently) and constantly criticising. It's only been in the last few years now they've all grown up and have turned out ok (DS3 not withstanding) that she's had to admit that actually I did do a good job with them, even though it was different to how she would have done it.

(She doesn't dare tell me how to raise my new one )

Well done for sticking to your guns. Have you tried telling them how they are upsetting you? If you don't they probably won't realise.

Bear in mind that they are your parents and they care about you - your child is secondary in their eyes. If they see you getting worn ragged they will worry and may assume it's because of the way you've chosen to do things - ie not the way they chose to do it (don't most parents assume they know best). My mum was forever telling me to stop bfing because it would wear me out . But that was all she said thankfully.

Tell them (as calmly as you can) that they are upsetting you and making a hard time harder rather than easier.

for all those who say they don't like my comment of "your lucky you have family nearby" obviously don't appreciate it

I only have my elderly mum who I now look after, no babysitters, no afternoons off, no break at the weekends, no nights away

you might hate hearing it but unless your relatives are a real nasty bunch you ARE very lucky

Maybe you could ask your mum round when your dh is there if you are feeling a bit vunerable still(i did this for a while)
I had a problem with my mum coming round all the time and also receiving negative comments both from both my mum & pil.
Good idea to say to their negative comments we have decided to do it like this as it is best for us as a family and as for bf - i think if all they can do is moan about you doing it simply go into another room & bf.

toomuchtodo - you're right I am extremely lucky to have my mum close and healthy and helpful, especially as a sigle parent. however its not alwasy easy to think that when you are feeling like shit. we have worked through our niggles and no doubt we will have some more but I go feel grateful to have her so much a part of DS's life.

Oh god yes, the struggling to be able to do things the way I wanted. THe glee in MILs eyes at the thought of saving the day by running off to the chemist for formula (didnt happen BTW, but she was waiting to pounce). No, they dont</span> mean well, theyre just interfering old bags with boring lives. ANyone with half a brain knows to respect a new mother. DOnt criticise her housekeeping, donT criticise her breastfeeding. At the MOST, drop off a cooked meal outside her door once a day and leave her to it. Ill make sure Ill never interfere when DD has a baby, but Ill just make sure Ill be there if she asks me or needs me.

can we remind you of that Sakura, on Gransnet in 30 yrs?