Really angry - issues with parents!

[bohemianbint]

Apologies in advance, this is going to be a long ranty one but I've been awake since 4.30am (nothing to do with DS, its just too light!) and I'm doing my own head in.

I've just realised I've got some issues with my parents since DS was born 10 months ago. They're brilliant, they live around the corner and on the whole were/are great. What's made me really sad though is how they've been around me since DS was born. They seem to think it's ok to disrespect a lot of things that I think/do with regard to bringing DS up.

When DS was about a week old they came around and were really pressuring me to put him on formula. I really didn't want to and sat there crying with frustration as I was so tired and I couldn't think straight to put my point across. They ignored the fact I'd said no and was getting really upset. DP was there and said nothing. (I know they were thinking it would give me a break and then they could help but I really disagree with how they went about it.) Ever since I've had to deal with comments about how I should stop and "is he getting enough" etc.

The other major thing is that the first day I was left to look after DS by myself all day was when he was 7 weeks old. It was an absolute nightmare and I made a real pig's ear of it. Which, I assume, is to be expected from any first time parent. My dad popped around to see if I was ok but told me that I was too tense, I shouldn't jump to respond to DS every time he cried (7wks!!) because an adult who expects to have all their needs met is a psycopath, (he works in mental health!) and that I was isolating everyone and that they were going to back off and leave me to it.

Now - I know that often when people criticise your parenting its because they feel by doing things differently you're insulting the way they do it. Or something. And I know we were all left to cry as kids etc and that's probably why I never wanted to do that myself. But they're still making light of any worry that I have or ridiculing the way I choose to do things. I wish that they would just say "well done, you're doing really well" as opposed to me constantly feeling like an idiot.

I really don't know how to handle it. I know they have good intentions but it's been really hard and I've got all this resentment lurking under the surface and I dunno what to do with it. They do a lot for us so I don't feel I can say much and most of the comments they make are in such a way that if I said anything they'd say I was just being silly.

Anyway - I feel better for just getting this down and out of my system but if you've read this far any advice appreciated!

Definitely. The worst argument to this nonsense Ive ever heard is: "You have to put up with this shit because youll be a grandmother/MIL one day and then you`ll be able to treat your own daughter/ DIL like shit"

Well I have a new mantra; "REMEMBER how sensitive and vulnerable you felt as a new mum and treat others how you would have liked to be treated yourself"

to be fair, i don't think the OP's parents are setting out to make her feel like shit.

HIJACK Hi Paddle check out my profile, incredibly cute photos of DS after we left you on Sunday...

awwww! gotta luv him!

must put some new pics on my profile actually!

As a mum and grandma, can I stick up for us? we aren't all interfering old cows waiting to pounce on any thing you might do wrong!

Some of us love our daughters and sons very much and hate to see them doing the hardest, least appreciated job in the world, struggling to cope sometimes, learning on the job, because no-one can understand what being a parent is like til they experience it.

We have to stand back and let them do it because it's the only way families grow and develop but that woman with the children is STILL my BABY and I want to do what I can to help. Sometimes I take the older children out or have them to stay, or I make cups of tea and gossip; whatever feels best.

Talk to your parents about the way medical and scientific knowledge has moved on, I didn't put my babies to sleep on their stomachs or wean at 4 months out of cruelty but on advice that was current at the time.
Now I know about co-sleeping, BLW, extended breast-feeding etc etc.

Make your families feel part of your new family, ask MIL to make that cake or pie she's so proud of. If your mum thinks she can iron better than anyone else, hand it over.

They, if you're lucky will love your child nearly as much as you do, will think s/he the most advanced ever born; get them on your side.

If they are toxic to the extreme, team up with your DP and decide together how to handle it, it's easier together.

I speak as some-one whose MIL and MIL's BestF cleaned the oven on their first visit after DD's birth; it still gets me after all these years but I know now, she thought she was helping not undermining me.

Please remember that talking helps clear the air rather than letting things fester. Also feel free to say that old dodderer can't remember what it's like!!

aaw kewcumber, your baby is such a cutie.

isn't he - I know I'm biased but he still is...

earthymama, lovely post!

Yes, a lovely post earthymama but perhaps a bit naive when some mums really do have very difficult parents and parents-in-law who don't necessarily mean them well but simply would actually prefer to edit them out of the picture so they can have the DCs all to themselves and try their hand at parenting again.

Believe me, I know it happens! I think these are the family relatives one doesn't want to live nearby!

Earthymama - yes, I do see your point and I can see this with my parents too. Such as when DD was just over 3 months, my Mum kept suggesting that I stop breastfeeding - not out of any desire to imply that I was not capable or anything just that she could see I was tired and she thought I had already done a good enough job to get that far and that if I gave DD some formula we would both sleep better. I told her that I was going to breastfeed until at least 6 months and that was that, fine, since then Mum has just tried to help me come up with other ways to get a longer sleep.

MIL on the other hand is a totally different story, but I could go on for ages about her (and have on other threads).

It doesn't sound from the OP as though her parents are deliberately trying to undermine her or anything but this IS how she is feeling as a result of their good intentions, however well meant. Most of the advice on this thread has been for her to talk to her parents about it - surely the only thing she can do really to stop resentment building up in the future.

I've been thinking about this all night. I was a bit over-emotional yesterday (period started just after I'd posted!!)

I've had problematic relationships with my mother and my MIL. I no longer see my MIL for complicated reasons but learned a lot from her, in that she was very strong minded and well, very Yorkshire, which helped me overcome shyness etc. However, she called a spade a bloody spade, which is not always the best way to form healthy relationships.

My mother has always played the martyr role, so I've tried to avoid that, though it's very much how I learned that Mum's should be. She can still make me cry, (I'm her primary carer).

I guess what I'm trying to say is I've been determined to treat my children with respect, and to be a different sort of mother than mine was. I come from a youth work and counselling background and I've tried to practise some of the things I've learned about people.

Of course, I'm their mother so I know what's right and I know I'm right sometimes. On the whole I try to treat them with respect, understand their choices, if I don't agree I say my bit then support them. Above all, I love them as unconditionally as I can. I was crap and selfish when they were younger and I try to make up for it now. I can't think of any two people I'd rather spend time with (other than delightful DP of course!!)

Some of the threads about parents are horrifying, I can't understand why people have children, only to try to upset and hurt them. My long and rambling point is, I think, that parents should try to learn from experience and act in ways that make their families feel loved, supported and not judged.

Earthymama, I want you as my mil. Got any free sons??

Me too! Oh, I'm already married.

From what you have said, they are actually worried about YOUR wellbeing and you should be grateful.

My parents live 10 mins away and they see me, ds & dd once every couple of months when THEY feel like it. They never offer to babysit, they never call, I never had any help when my firstborn arrived in this world.

I know I'm coming from the very opposite end of the spectrum to you, but please look at the bigger picture. You are extremely lucky to have a family who cares about you.

Thank you for al the posts, it's been really good to read. Earthymama, you sound amazing and I really hope that I'm like you when my children are older.

Krib - I do appreciate everything that they do and I am grateful. I also know what it is to have a crap parent as my biological mother left us at a very young age and only got in touch with me last month. But as much as I know that they mean well it doesn't mean that all the criticism and lack of respect is any easier to take. Over a period of time and combined with other factors it can actually be really damaging so I think it's fairly simplistic to say "think yourself lucky." Families are not without their downsides.

It's odd, isn't it, bohemianbint, this unadulterated gratitude we're supposed to feel regardless of our relatives' behaviour.

Hope things get better for you soon and that you grow and grow in confidence and don't doubt your wonderful parenting abilities.