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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unsure and confused

46 replies

TubbyBunny · 10/06/2007 22:39

I'm not sure how to ask this, and I'm hoping someone else will be able to understand my problem. If your husband had more physical needs than you did, do you have an obligation to let him? We've got a little baby, and I've been reluctant to be intimate again, but he insists on it. I want to say no, but I feel I can't and I don't think it would make much difference anyway. What can I say to him?

OP posts:

malmaman · 10/06/2007 22:40

Tell him you've got thrush until further notice. Of course you're not obliged to him.

warthog · 10/06/2007 22:42

you don't have to if you don't want to! tell him your bits are still sore.

GooseyLoosey · 10/06/2007 22:46

Bit worried by the "feel I can't say no and I don't think it would make much difference anyway". What do you mean?

In general, I think when a couple's sexual appetites are different (as in my own marriage), you have to work towards a compromise. I don't think a compromise based on no sex can ever work if dh has a high sex drive as it will become a bigger and bigger issue for them. You do therefore need to work something out.

However, that said, it is not ever, ever, under any circumstances OK for one party to ignore what the other wants and force their desires on them. Saying "no" should always mean "no" and be accepted as such.

controlfreaky2 · 10/06/2007 22:47

more seriously. if you dont want to have sex with him, for whatever reason, that is your choice and he must accept your "no" whether he likes it or not. if he forces you to do sexual things that is assault / rape.
do you think you could try to talk with him about this?
is your relationship otherwise ok?

DixiePixie · 10/06/2007 23:25

TubbyBunny, noone should be forced to be intimate against their will. Both parties should be consenting, otherwise it is abuse. Why do you think it won't make much difference if you say no?

Do you have the sort of relationship where you can sit and discuss how you feel about things? Is your reluctance to be intimate to do with having a young baby and feeling physically unready, or has this been an issue for longer? If it has been an ongoing issue, there are ways to work at getting intimacy back without putting pressure on the less desiring partner and without anyone feeling violated.

Please don't feel forced into doing anything you don't want to do.

Original poster

TubbyBunny · 10/06/2007 23:33

thanks for replying. I have said 'I don't want to' before now, but he went ahead anyway. I felt pretty used, but I didn't say no, so I couldn't have expected him to know, really. It wasn't a problem before the baby, I was happy for him to do what he wanted when he needed to. He said that not having sex is like me reverse-raping him so I've just started letting him get on with it again even though I don't really want to. I just don't feel I can say no to him. We're married, he says that means I'm supposed to be available to him. I'm quite unhappy, but I just feel really ungrateful.

OP posts:

Aloha · 10/06/2007 23:34

Ungrateful for what? Being raped?
Of course you don't have an obligation. 'reverse rape'? What an arse he sounds. What kind of relationship do you have when he's not raping you?

Original poster

TubbyBunny · 10/06/2007 23:37

I'm sorry, I dinn't mean to offend anyone

OP posts:

Original poster

TubbyBunny · 10/06/2007 23:40

He's very kind to me. He works really hard for us. He's looked after me since my mum died.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 10/06/2007 23:40

Ditto what Aloha said.

This sounds truly awful for you. There are lots of answers and suggestions for getting your drive going again, but this isnt the issue here.

The issue is your husband thinking he can do what he likes when he likes. Then makes out that his raping you is okay, because you refusing him is making him feel de-valued, demoralised and overpowered.

This is NOT acceptable and he really needs to understand this. Although from the sounds of it, your self esteem is so low that you arent up for any kind of discussion with him about it. Have you got anyone in RL you can talk to or confide in about htis?

colditz · 10/06/2007 23:41

he's not kind to you, he's treating you like shit.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 10/06/2007 23:41

OH gosh TB you havent offended anyone at all. We are just angry on your behalf at your 'DH'.

BishyBarneyBee · 10/06/2007 23:41

you didn't offend anyone I don't think.

reverse-raping - WTF - stupid twat.

controlfreaky2 · 10/06/2007 23:41

oh you havent offended anyone at all. really. i think people are just feeling a bit worried and sad for you and cross on your behalf at what you're going through.
is there anyone you can talk to in real life about any of this? how old are you? marriage is meant to be a partnership, nor one partner bulling the other. keep posting and you may get some good advice on here or at least a sympathetic hearing.

Blu · 10/06/2007 23:41

You haven't offended anyone - not at all. People are offended (with your H) on your behalf, and concerned about you.

I wonder if it would help to talk this over with your HV if you have a good relationship with her? (some people do) Your H really should be more considerate, loving and understanding. I wonder how you can best get him to seee this?

BishyBarneyBee · 10/06/2007 23:42

could you go to relate on your own?

sounds like you need some perspective on this.

policywonk · 10/06/2007 23:42

Tubby, his behaviour is violent and abusive, and it is rape if he forces you to have sex when you clearly don't want to.

RosaLuxembourg · 10/06/2007 23:43

Offend anyone???? Of course you haven't. Your husband is a bastard. He is raping you, and telling you it is OK because you are married. Well it isn't. You don't have to put up with it. What you need to say to him is NO NO NO NO. If he wants to have sex with you he has to make you want to have sex with him. By becoming the sort of person you would want to have sex with. Hon, you must make it clear to him that nobody has the right to have sex with anybody unless they freely choose to allow it.
My heart goes out to you, you sound so lonely and defenceless.

colditz · 10/06/2007 23:43

Is he reverse-stealing from you because he won't buy me a jag? Am I reverse-abusing ds1 because I won't let him kick me when he wants to?

It's no different because it's YOU. YOU are just as important as everyone else. YOU have the right to say no, the right to expect that to be respected, and the right to press a rape charge if it isn't.

colditz · 10/06/2007 23:45

And nobody here is angry at you. We are angry at him, for making you so forlorn.

Original poster

TubbyBunny · 10/06/2007 23:49

I'm sorry, I'm feeling a bit down. Pathetic really. The hv just weighs the baby and asks about feeding. I'd feel really embarrassed talking to her about it. Honestly, he does look after us, and he doesn't hit me or anything. I don't really have anyone to talk to now, we don't get out much.

OP posts:

Blu · 10/06/2007 23:52

TubbyBunny - none of this is your fault. You must be dizzy with the whole pregnancy and birth and new baby, tired....and it sounds as if you don't think much of yourself. Your H may be feeling jealous of the baby and trying to 'claim' you. Or has he acted like this in the past? I think there is a section for Dads in the NHS book they give you when you have a baby - would he read it?
If you can talk to your GP or HV, they may be able to refer you fro counseling to help you feel stronger and better about yourself, and to think how to tackle your H's behaviour. He has no right at all, you know - no wonder you are upset.

DixiePixie · 10/06/2007 23:53

It is OK to say "no". It is not violating someone to not agree to have sex with them. However, it IS violating someone to climb on top of them and have sex with them without consent.

A lot of people don't feel like having sex when they have just had a baby - I know I certainly didn't for a while. You are making lots of physical and emotional adjustments, and it staggers me that your husband isn't grasping this.

You say that before having your baby "I was happy for him to do what he wanted when he needed to". By this, do you mean that sex was something that was done to you or something that you willingly participated in and enjoyed? Has it always been something that you are uncomfortable with?

It is possible to build up intimacy and make sex enjoyable for both parties. A good sex therapist could help, but this has to be done sensitively and slowly in a way that BOTH of you are happy with. Forcing someone to have sex without their consent is plain bang out of order (not to mention rape)

You need to take things at your own pace, and if that means more time not being intimate, then you have every right to ask for this. There is nothing to feel guilty or "ungrateful" about.

Blu · 10/06/2007 23:54

sorry - x-posted.
OK - just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean he isn't abusive. I'm sure he has his good side...but it still isn't ok to treat you like this sexually, and it IS abusive - sexually and emotionally.

I wonder how else you could get help?

Original poster

TubbyBunny · 11/06/2007 00:01

I feel pretty bad even writing this, really. He's out tonight with his brother. I was ok with being intimate with him before, he made me feel special. He always wanted it more than I did, but that's normal I thought. god I'm crying now. He's just cleverer than I am, when he talks to me he just makes me not really sure what I meant to say.

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