Unsure and confused

[TubbyBunny]

I'm not sure how to ask this, and I'm hoping someone else will be able to understand my problem. If your husband had more physical needs than you did, do you have an obligation to let him? We've got a little baby, and I've been reluctant to be intimate again, but he insists on it. I want to say no, but I feel I can't and I don't think it would make much difference anyway. What can I say to him?

your supposed to enjoy it.

love respect come together , you cannot love someone and disrespect them.

Please don't feel bad for writing. You deserve all the support that you are getting on here. It sounds like you are very vulnerable and that you have had a tough time (you mentioned your mum's death, which I am sorry to hear about). I have no wish to take away ways in which he has been supportive to you, but as much as he has given support, he has also behaved in a manipulative and abusive way. You are obviously writing because you need the support, and the replies that you are getting show that we are overwhelmingly on your side.

oh tubbybunny... {{hugs}} you must feel so confused... what he's done is wrong, really wrong, but i think you totally know that already.

thankyou. i don't know what to say. I might come on tomorrow if I get chance. I'm really tired now and the baby will be up soon anyway. I thought people would tell me to stop being silly because I was married.

do come on again if you can. you will get some good support on here if you need it..... and it can be fun too.

TB - nobody will say that! What he's doing is rape. You said 'I don't want to', and then he did it!

I am thoroughly at his talk about 'reverse rape'. If he is desperate for sex, he's got hands.

my friend had a very abusive husband, he spoke to her like that, absolutely tied her mind up in knots so that she didn't know which way was up. it's very controlling behaviour, to be honest. very manipulative, so that you'll do anything to make him stop talking.

you're exhausted, you poor poppet, you've got a young baby, you've had a tough time with your mum dying, anyone would be floundering. but it's just dead simple... no-one's allowed to have sex with you unless you're up for it. that's it.

come back again, we'll all be here. i can't imagine a single woman on here would be anything less that 100% supportive.

Yes do come back sweetheart, there are a lot of nice people here.

tb- just read your post, hope you will be able to come back tomorrow, just to say that i am so sorry you are having such a tough time, how old is your baby?
Your sex drive will come back but it can take a long time, i certainly didn't feel like sex for many months after having a baby and I know many many women who felt the same.

He may be able to understand if you tell him it hurts, keep it simple, rather than trying to talk about your feelings right now.

keep talking to people here as it can be a lifeline when you feel you can't talk to anyone in your real life.(hugs)

tb - lots of people on here talk crap and like to get on their high horse at the drop of a hat. Just weed through and read the posts that are helpful and dismiss the others.

have you been assessed for depression? Your self esteem seems rock bottom.

hi, had a bad night with baby. He didn't come home, but he phoned me to say he was going straight to work, so he'll be home for his tea. I feel really guilty for writing all this last night, and I'm a bit worried that he might be able to find out about it. Is there anyway I can make sure he can't find out where I've been online? He'd be really angry if he knew I'd talked about this with anyone, he's very private.

Keep posting, Tubby. It sounds to me as though you need some support right now and you're certainly not getting it at home, are you? I have to admit that I'm shocked and horrified by your posts, or rather by the way that your DH is treating you. His attitude is selfish and disrespectful and just because you are married it does not mean that you are beholden to him. None of us know what exactly your situation is, though, so we shouldn't judge. But please, keep posting because there are some wonderful, supportive, caring people on MN.

Tubbybunny, why would you really ever feel it was normal to be treated this way? I dont mean any disrespect as I understand this kind of subserviance maybe a cultural thing but your posts sound painfully naive i.e. He takes care of you, he's kind, he doesn't hit you

shit, that's another thing my friend's husband used to say, he's very private... lots of keeping secrets between husband and wife, to underline how it was him and against the world and neither could trust anyone but the other, that sort of thing.
it allowed him to rape her repeatedly, because she knew that if she told someone about it then they would think badly of him, whereas she was the only person who really understood that he was a good man because he took care of her financially. (although always threatened to remove the money, that was the principal way he kept her in line.)
i'm not saying that your situation is the same, but your words are ringing alarm bells as i have heard them before.

him and her against the world, i mean.

can someone tell tb how to delete her history or whatever its called. she posted below that she's worried he may find what shes written on here..... i am computer numpty and cant help....... am sure loads of you know ho....

I think whomovedmychocolate understands these things (deleting computer history, I mean - or possibly helping TB to set up a password-protected account?)

Will put out a shout

Ta speccy

or if you have innternet explorer 7 you can click on tools at the top right of the screen, delete browsing history,and then delete all. That will also delete temp iunternet files and cookies as well as where you have been online