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Original poster

Getting over partners previous sexual history

36 replies

Honeysuckles2014 · 21/09/2018 22:08

I’ll try and keep this short.

Need advice really.
My partner of 6 years and me broke up for two months.. in that time he slept with two people.

I think what bothers me is I have a face to the name of one and she’s skinnier, younger etc.
They met and chatted for a while before he took her back to his which I feel is now tarnished as it’s only been me prior.

I do suffer massively with self confidence and how I look and feel about myself which doesn’t help.
He says it meant nothing but he did pursue her but she was ‘flakey’ so nothing came off it.
I should never have gotten details but it is a negative to me where I dig for details and end up hurt.

If he initiates anything I think of her and just can’t.

I don’t know what to do, it’s been 5 months and I’m still not coping. Any advice ? :(

OP posts:
Shambu · 21/09/2018 22:14

To be honest I think it sounds like it might be a bit stuffed.

Haggishaggispudding · 21/09/2018 22:16

You were on a break. You weren’t together. Have you never dated anyone else ever?

Original poster
Honeysuckles2014 · 21/09/2018 22:27

I know we weren’t together.
Six years though, I don’t take physical acts lightly.
He’s the only person I’ve ever been with, and I him. It’s just a shock, I know most people see sex as casual but it hurts for me

OP posts:
FermatsTheorem · 21/09/2018 22:27

So - you're not happy in the relationship. Sufficiently unhappy that the two of you had a break. He had sex with other people during this period (fair enough on his part, fair enough on yours to feel you are not happy with this knowledge) and you're struggling with this (a perfectly understandable emotional response).

Can I ask why you're staying with him?

Does he love you? (Forget the "but I love him..." response on your part - if it doesn't go both ways, it's not enough).

Do you have children? (If so splitting up is a more serious issue, but can still be for the best - better two parents happy apart than miserable together).

Are you frightened of being on your own? (Not a good reason, but emotionally it does make it harder to jump).

Unless you can come up with some solid reasons as to why this relationship is worth saving (and that means solid reasons base on both sides, and his behaviour towards you indicating that he actually loves and respects you), I'd call time on the relationship and move on.

Musti · 21/09/2018 22:32

I get what you mean because I was like that with my first boyfriend. He was also my first (we were together almost 10 years) and he had slept with 2 people before me and it really bothered me because I knew them. Now that I'm older it doesn't matter at all and because I've slept with more people i can separate it more.

But he loves you and wants to be with you, otherwise he'd have stayed with that girl. You were on a pretty long break too.

Original poster
Honeysuckles2014 · 21/09/2018 22:32

@FermatsTheorem good questions...
we do have a child together.
He’s all I’ve ever known.
He said he wanted to get back together when I broached the idea.

OP posts:
Hassled · 21/09/2018 22:34

I think you're probably struggling because even though you were "on a break" it felt like a betrayal - you weren't seeing the break in the same way he was. You were still committed and he wasn't. But you're back together - he clearly wants it to work with you. He's made a choice, and it's in your favour. Don't lose sight of that.

Original poster
Honeysuckles2014 · 21/09/2018 22:34

I think why upsets me most is he was the cause of the break up.
He said I’d be sleeping with everyone under the sun (didn’t happen) whilst he’d not but it was roles reversed. He was straight on those dating sites.

I find physically and emotional attraction hard which I had with him. He finds it so easy

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2018 22:37

Personally, I think you are wasting so much energy on something that doesn't even matter. You were broken up and he wants to be with you now. Isn't that a wonderful thing? But, if you are incapable of moving forward and enjoying what you have, then break it off and set him free. It's not fair to encage him in the prison you refuse to get out of.

SweatyFretty · 21/09/2018 22:41

This is supposed to be tongue in cheek/a joke, but when a friend said it to me whilst we were drunk it struck a chord. Perhaps a chardonnay chord, but a chord nontheless...

Did you agree with Ross or Rachel during the 'We Were On A Break' saga?

If Ross, you refocus your efforts on your own self esteem and learn to get over it.

If Rachel, you write this relationship off for good.

I am aware that this may not be in any way helpful, but this joke got me through a rough time.

FermatsTheorem · 21/09/2018 22:41

He said I’d be sleeping with everyone under the sun (didn’t happen) whilst he’d not but it was roles reversed. He was straight on those dating sites.

That's a classic technique that abusers use (not saying your boyfriend is abusive, necessarily - but it's worth bearing in mind). It's so ubiquitous it has an acronym: DARVO. "Deny", "Accuse", "Reverse victim and offender." For me, that's a big warning bell that this is not a healthy relationship. That and the fact that it's the only relationship you've been in, so you have no benchmark against which to compare it.

Original poster
Honeysuckles2014 · 21/09/2018 22:43

@aquamarine1029 I did ‘set him free’
He wanted space. It got prolonged. This happened.
He wanted to have a few weeks to get some air as he felt trapped with family life and I agreed.
That’s when it went to shit and got dragged out.

He then wants to be a family unit once a couple more notches were under his belt.

OP posts:
SweatyFretty · 21/09/2018 22:46

He then wants to be a family unit once a couple more notches were under his belt.

That's not his choice to make. It's entirely yours.

LoveAGoodChat · 21/09/2018 22:53

Op could your issue be, that you were on a break (the relationship is paused while both parties reevaluate whether to stay together or split)..and that you weren't actually broken up (where the relationship is completely over)

So in your mind even though you are on a break could you have considered yourself still in a relationship with him but just temporarily paused, while he took on a break to mean split up ?..

That is probably why you are finding this hard op,

You need to evaluate whether this is somewhat you can deal with and get over, if you can't then it's kinder to let him go and move on, as otherwise it will make you both miserable in the long run

Scott72 · 22/09/2018 00:10

He said I’d be sleeping with everyone under the sun (didn’t happen)
That's pretty poor behavior, borderline emotional abuse.

I find physically and emotional attraction hard which I had with him.
You said 'had', past tense, implying your feelings towards him have cooled considerably.

By the sounds of it you would be better off biting the bullet and breaking up with him.

Changedname3456 · 22/09/2018 00:38

Two people after only two months apart?

Yeah, that’s a bit bloody quick, whatever your interpretation of a “break” is.

DonkeyPlease · 22/09/2018 00:43

This isn't the type of thing people get over. If you have a sexually jealous streak, you just have it. You're not going to talk yourself out of it.

My ex is like you, I was his first and he just could not get over the fact that he wasn't mine. He made me miserable for years until I finally cracked and gave up. It was such an awful waste. Don't do that to him or yourself. Just leave it, find someone who has no sexual history and start again.

Ideally, between partners, work on your self esteem as well.

FermatsTheorem · 22/09/2018 04:18

I don't think being jealous of other people during a relationship (and regardless of the whole "in a break" thing, emotionally for the OO this was during) is in any way comparable to jealousy of partners before a relationship (which is weird and freaky and possessive) so I don't think it's helpful to turn this round against OP. in fact that almost feels like gaslighting her, ie falsely suggesting it's her fault for feeling that way. Whereas given the way her partner first accused hard if being champing at the bit to shag other people, then did exactly that himself, I suspect if anyone's got an unhealthily jealous attitude here, it's him rather than her.

SilverLining10 · 22/09/2018 05:58

For me it would be over. After 6 years it took him 5 minutes to sleep with not one but two women. It just shows how 'trapped' he felt. Its pathetic that he felt trapped by his family life, because what are you meant to do about that. He has a family and that comes with a responsibility.

What happens the next time he feels trapped. That feeling just doesnt go away because family life is there forever. Sounds like he wants to be free but have somewhere to go home as well. I wouldn't accept this.

Kennycalmit · 22/09/2018 06:19

Just leave it, find someone who has no sexual history and start again

This is the most shittiest advice ever! I can’t believe someone actually said this Hmm

I don’t really see the problem with him sleeping with others

DP and I were together for years when we broke up for 9 months. 6 weeks after he finished with me I was sleeping with someone else. A few months later I even formed a relationship with another man! (Which didn’t work out as I still loved DP)

I look back now, and even knew at the time, that the reason why I was sleeping with someone so quick was to try and mask the hurt I was feeling. I had no interest in him and I thought it would be something ‘fun’ to help me get over the break up. The guy was fully aware of what it all was

The second guy I met later on I did actually have feelings for. But I still loved my ex and knew it wasn’t right. DP and I ended up back together and I’ve never been happier.

I wasn’t wrong to sleep with either of them. Just like your partner wasn’t wrong to sleep with them two women. Me sleeping with those two men doesn’t take away the love I felt for DP. It certainly doesn’t ‘tarnish’ anything Confused

All I’m saying is - you two weren’t together. Just because YOU see sex as something more personal it doesn’t mean he has to aswell. He’s done nothing wrong.

The way you see things such as you being the only woman in his house and how you were his first and now that’s all tarnished - he isn’t a possession! He’s not damaged goods just because he’s now had another woman in his house. He’s not your “territory”

I think what bothers me is I have a face to the name of one and she’s skinnier, younger etc

I’m sure if she’d been the same age/older and fatter you probably wouldn’t be feeling so jealous which is why personally I think you’re being so shallow and OTT about all this

You’re jealous because he slept with two people when you weren’t together - you don’t like the fact he’s had another woman in his house (HIS house, not yours). You’re insecure because you know one woman was younger and slimmer - your problem feeling inferior to her.

I think you need to massively work on your self esteem. All your ‘reasons’ for feeling so upset about this are shallow and superficial. If this is how you normally are, I’d find it suffocating aswell and would probably need space to breathe. You see him as a possession you own and now it’s all “tarnished”.

If a man came on here and said his girlfriend was tarnished for sleeping with another man on a break he’d be flamed.

BitOfFun · 22/09/2018 06:27

I disagree: he basically opted out of family life and the decisions/commitment he'd made. There's not really any "on a break" thing. He wanted to jack it all in so he could shag other people, but then missed the comfortable and familiar history he'd built up with you.

Tough shit.

Why should he get to swan back in, while gaslighting your pain at his behaviour so he can just pick up where he left off? What does that say about his respect for you? What happens when he gets bored again?

You deserve better than this, you really do.

Bosabosa · 22/09/2018 06:36

It sounds like he wanted some freedom to sleep with other people and then expected to get back with the OP after he had had some fun.

Are there any other issues in your relationship OP?

It sounds like he engineered the whole thing to be honest

ivykaty44 · 22/09/2018 06:42

This is not a healthy relationship, he broke up with you and was out dating others. Within two months he’d slept with two maybe more woman as that was his goal ( his accusations of you doing it were the clue to what he’d be doing) nothing much come along as no one was interested. You suggested getting back together and for now it’s convenient- sorry to be harsh but he’s not that into you

sadiesnakes · 22/09/2018 06:43

*This is the most shittiest advice ever! I can’t believe someone actually said this

I don’t really see the problem with him sleeping with others

DP and I were together for years when we broke up for 9 months. 6 weeks after he finished with me I was sleeping with someone else. A few months later I even formed a relationship with another man! (Which didn’t work out as I still loved DP)

I look back now, and even knew at the time, that the reason why I was sleeping with someone so quick was to try and mask the hurt I was feeling. I had no interest in him and I thought it would be something ‘fun’ to help me get over the break up. The guy was fully aware of what it all was

The second guy I met later on I did actually have feelings for. But I still loved my ex and knew it wasn’t right. DP and I ended up back together and I’ve never been happier.

I wasn’t wrong to sleep with either of them. Just like your partner wasn’t wrong to sleep with them two women. Me sleeping with those two men doesn’t take away the love I felt for DP. It certainly doesn’t ‘tarnish’ anything

All I’m saying is - you two weren’t together. Just because YOU see sex as something more personal it doesn’t mean he has to aswell. He’s done nothing wrong.

The way you see things such as you being the only woman in his house and how you were his first and now that’s all tarnished - he isn’t a possession! He’s not damaged goods just because he’s now had another woman in his house. He’s not your “territory”

I think what bothers me is I have a face to the name of one and she’s skinnier, younger etc

I’m sure if she’d been the same age/older and fatter you probably wouldn’t be feeling so jealous which is why personally I think you’re being so shallow and OTT about all this

You’re jealous because he slept with two people when you weren’t together - you don’t like the fact he’s had another woman in his house (HIS house, not yours). You’re insecure because you know one woman was younger and slimmer - your problem feeling inferior to her.

I think you need to massively work on your self esteem. All your ‘reasons’ for feeling so upset about this are shallow and superficial. If this is how you normally are, I’d find it suffocating aswell and would probably need space to breathe. You see him as a possession you own and now it’s all “tarnished”.

If a man came on here and said his girlfriend was tarnished for sleeping with another man on a break he’d be flamed.*

This is the most shittiest advice ever..Hmm

Sultanainasalad · 22/09/2018 06:51

So you're together 6 years with a child, he decides he's not sure it's for him, feels trapped and needs a bit of space. You take a break, he shags two other women and ten wants back into the previous family life?

Fuck that shit, he's found a loophole that allows him to shag around. How long will it be until the next break is needed? He'd be out the door for me.