Brother had an affair, I can’t forgive him.

[Lolly667]

My brother left his wife and young children a few months ago and moved in with OW. OW is pregnant.

My brother is telling my family all sorts of stories about how terrible his marriage was and my family have all bought right into in and have completely disowned my SIL. They are spreading the stories by brother is telling and trying to turn other people against her. I have supported my SIL throughout this and tried to stay neutral with my parents, but my mum has not taken this well. She’s made my life a nightmare about it and stopped speaking to me for a while.

But the bottom line is that I don’t feel the same way about my brother. I don’t want to sit and play happy families with him and this new woman and her DC and new baby when it arrives. I can’t excuse what he did. And the family is already divided over this because of the way my mum has tried to force me into taking sides. My brother has come up smelling of roses somehow

I know it’s not my place to judge my brother, he has to live with the consequences of his decisions. And it’s nothing to do with me. But I can’t be the same with him. And I don’t want anything to do with the new baby. Does this make me a terrible person? Am I being unfair? It’s not the baby’s fault. It will be my niece/nephew and my baby’s cousin. I am very involved in his other DC lives, but this is different to me.

Full disclosure: I am 8 months pregnant so might not be thinking straight, and I’m having trouble getting my thoughts in order.

I think you’re being pretty decent. It sounds like he’s handled it appallingly. It’s one thing to leave, but then to trash talk someone you have an ongoing parenting relationship with and whom you’ve presumably already really hurt is terrible. Very sad your mum has swallowed it whole.

Ironic he’s caused this but you’re in the shit!

UnderMajorDomoMinor that’s exactly what I’ve been saying for weeks/ months now. I don’t understand how I’m the one everyone won’t speak to (my mum is very good at persuading people to stop talking to people she’s fallen out with) it’s certainly affected how I feel about them all tbh. She’s now speaking to me again and two relatives I haven’t heard from in weeks have messaged me bright and breezy messages today. Coincidence

So how do you know the stories they are telling are false?If you know they are false then fair play to you but people rarely know what really goes on behind closed doors.

Is your mother abandoning those grandchildren too? Because those children will have lost all connection to your side of the family if you abandon them too (not suggesting you will). How traumatising for them when they have done nothing. Thank goodness you are doing right by them.

Not developing a close relationship to the new baby isnt nearly as damaging as taking away family relationships from existing children in my opinion.

Don’t tell me, he’s the golden child? The amount of times my brother has been excused/forgiven by my mother makes me find this very familiar.

He’s knocked up someone while married. That’s an undeniable fact. The marriage might have been terrible, but in that case you leave. You don’t have an affair. Add kids to the picture and the subsequent quick intro of ow and slagging off wife and it’s sounding pretty typical!

So he slept with another woman, got her pregnant and left his wife and two kids for her?

I don't know what to say any more I really don't

The child hasn’t done anything wrong. It would be a shame for them to miss out on family.

No I think you have real integrity.

A family friend of mine cheated on his wife quite not badly - affair went on for long time, she suspected and he lied his pants off. His parents were absolutely brilliant - they were furious with him and fully supported his ex wife, whom they were very fond of. They were really disappointed in him. It changed their view of him and it changed their relationship.

ferando81 I don’t know the truth about the stories he’s telling. They may be true or even partly true, or a load of bollocks an adulterer made up to make himself sound better for impregnating another woman while still living with his wife and kids. But I do know a lot of the stories my mum casually drops into conversation (she knows I don’t want to hear them) don’t make any sense. And even if his life was so terrible why didn’t he leave? I would not be having this conversation if he left an unhappy marriage, but he had an affair. That’s the part I’m struggling with.

I don't think you're a terrible person but I do think your current thoughts are unfair towards his new baby. It's never a child's fault whatever and he/she will be related to you so I think you should enjoy that relationship whatever.

Personally I can see both sides but I would always 'side with' my own family, I may not agree with their lives or actions but I'd not resent them for their choices. My own brother actually fell out with my 20 year old niece a few months ago (not his daughter but our sister's child) and I found it very hard to stay neutral, especially since our sister passed away a couple of years ago :( I feel that our niece is very vulnerable and it sounded like a silly squabble to me BUT apart from ask a couple of questions I didn't tell him that I thought he was being an arsehole. I hope he will realise it for himself I suppose but I love them both so will support both whatever. That's my stance on it.

In your situation I would never be able to listen to my SIL complain about my brother, it would be too upsetting and feel inappropriate so I would rather she discussed her relationship issues with friends than family. I don't think supporting your SIL through a break up with your brother is healthy for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel but it's not your life and even hearing both sides of a story doesn't always show a full picture.

My parents don’t see the DC through my SIL anymore, my brother has access on a Sunday at their house (he can’t take them to his new house with the OW, so my parents is the only option right now)
They see my other family members their occasionally. I go and see them at their house with my SIL.

Maelstrop yes he is the golden child, though my parents insist they don’t have favourites obviously.

PurpleDaisies the rest of my family will most likely welcome this child if their current behaviour is anything to judge it by. My parents have already been round for a cup of tea with new woman and met her son. I just don’t think I can do that..

Go with your gut (even if there’s a baby on it). You know what’s right and you know your brother.

Just be graceful and rise above any shit being flung.

I think you will want to see the baby but know hat your relationship with his new woman will not be the same.

mamabear4180 I appreciate your perspective, and I agree with some of what you are saying. My SIL doesn’t bad mouth my brother at all (not to me, I’m sure she does to other people). It would make me very uncomfortable if she did, but she’s being very mature about it. She still has to coparent with him. She’s not involving me in any of the drama with him, and she’s not forcing me to take any sides. My mother on the other hand....

I feel in such a difficult situation. I don’t want people to judge me for turning my back on family, but at the same time I can’t turn my back on my SIL and the kids either. Especially with my family all backing away from her.

YANBU. As pp said, if he was unhappy with his marriage he should have left with dignity and prioritised maintaining a good relationship with his children.

OP - it’s a difficult situation, and I do think your pregnancy is affecting you.
Your brother is the person you are angry/disaproving off. And that is your right and your choice.

However - the situation is what it is, and brinjng children into the middle of an adult disagreement isn’t fair on them. Your baby will have cousins with different mothers. And, somehow, as a family - you’ll need to find a way to adjust to it.

Unfortunately - nothing can change or fix this situation. And I hope you’ll eventually heal as a family.

I just don’t know how to answer the question of why I don’t want to see them (which will be asked)
Saying I can’t forgive him sounds silly because it’s not for me to forgive him, it isn’t me he’s hurt.
And saying I don’t approve makes me sound pearl-clutchy

I pride myself on being open minded and let others live the life they want to live, and I feel this is conflicting to that. I don’t judge others for their life choices usually, we all have our own life to live. But I am judging, and I can’t move past it and be the same.

I can’t put my thought in order to explain how I feel properly

Family is just genetics, good moral people don't abandon a SIL who has been and will remain their family through marriage simply because a selfish dick has decided that in the old 'script' fashion that he was unhappy and his marriage was awful. Apparently sticking his dick elsewhere was the answer to that problem.

if he is the Golden Child then he is used to being forgiven for anything shitty he's done as there is always an excuse (even if it's just I want to).

Stick by your SIL and her DC's they do not deserve to be deserted by everyone in your family and if your mother makes an issue of it then I'd be limiting my contact with her too.

“ I am 8 months pregnant so might not be thinking straight”

Your pregnancy has fuck all to with it. You are thinking completely straight.

I hate the way that people often dismiss the thoughts and feelings of pregnant women, even the pregnant women themselves!

Your mother is toxic. She sounds like a bitch tbh. And your brother is a piece of shit.

I’m not pregnant.

HTH

I agree with pps, my pregnancy is making me feel different about things than how I normally would. And the way my mother has been too has tainted my view on things. She’s made my life so hard the last few months (I have posted previously about this) and it’s permanently changed the way I think of her. I think all of this has made me feel differently.

Refusing to see your brothers new partner and then to meet the baby will be seen as taking sides.

He’s been a shit but I could go and meet and be civil. You don’t need to be best buddies with OW but you do need to include her in the family, if only because your children will have a new cousin and you will have a new niece or nephew.

Think about longer term - being able to see all your nieces and nephews together at your brothers or mums house. Your existing DNs need you to be accepting of their new brother/sister so THEY know it’s fine to be accepting.

It’s a shit situation all round. You have to think of the longer term for your DNs and how you could ensure they are still part of your wider family, including their new bro/sis.

@Lolly667 maybe it's not the pregnancy changing your views OP, maybe the behaviour of your family has just opened your eyes to how they really are ! And you just happen to be pregnant!!!
When people show you who they really are take note. Your family are not behaving well in this at all. Your poor SIL it almost sounds like a lot of underhand bullying going on to get her out the picture.
I understand your predicament however ! Very difficult situation to be in .

anotherEmma thanks that cheered me up
My mother is toxic, she has been a bitch, and my brother has been a shit, I can’t argue with any of that! I just normally try not to judge people and I let them live their life even if they haven’t made the choices I would. But this feels too close to home. Would I be able to move past it if I wasn’t an emotional wreck with the pregnancy and my mother’s manipulative behaviour? I don’t know..

You don’t have to be ok with the situation and start playing happy families with the OW immediately (or even at all) and it’s completely unfair of your mother and brother to expect and pressure you to do so.

It might be that with time you can swallow your very understandable distaste and maintain a polite relationship with your brother and his new partner. But for now it’s fair enough for you to keep your distance while you get your head around things.

It’s not disloyal to stay in touch with SIL either, she is the mother of your nieces and nephews and always will be.

You sound like a lovely person and there's nothing wrong in calling out his behaviour. We can still have principles and hate the behaviour of people we love.

My friend's ex in law's have been nothing but supportive towards her after their son had a three year affair whilst they had IVF, and relocated to suit him They've told him how ashamed of him they are for cheating instead of leaving as soon as it began and will not support his version of how my friend's obsession with IVF drove him to the OW. They are prepared to meet the OW if it lasts a year. It's been 8 months and they have held fast. They see my friend and help out just as much as before.

It seems to be rare according to MN but commendable I think.