Brother had an affair, I can’t forgive him.

[Lolly667]

My brother left his wife and young children a few months ago and moved in with OW. OW is pregnant.

My brother is telling my family all sorts of stories about how terrible his marriage was and my family have all bought right into in and have completely disowned my SIL. They are spreading the stories by brother is telling and trying to turn other people against her. I have supported my SIL throughout this and tried to stay neutral with my parents, but my mum has not taken this well. She’s made my life a nightmare about it and stopped speaking to me for a while.

But the bottom line is that I don’t feel the same way about my brother. I don’t want to sit and play happy families with him and this new woman and her DC and new baby when it arrives. I can’t excuse what he did. And the family is already divided over this because of the way my mum has tried to force me into taking sides. My brother has come up smelling of roses somehow

I know it’s not my place to judge my brother, he has to live with the consequences of his decisions. And it’s nothing to do with me. But I can’t be the same with him. And I don’t want anything to do with the new baby. Does this make me a terrible person? Am I being unfair? It’s not the baby’s fault. It will be my niece/nephew and my baby’s cousin. I am very involved in his other DC lives, but this is different to me.

Full disclosure: I am 8 months pregnant so might not be thinking straight, and I’m having trouble getting my thoughts in order.

thebluedot you make a very good point about me being accepting so the DC see it’s ok for them to be. I hadn’t properly considered that, and it’s a very good point. Thank you.

wolfywolfy you make a good point too about how my family’s behaviour has shown me how they really are. I think there’s a lot of truth in that, and I’ve said it myself a couple of times, but never really been convinced. I think you are right though. I do feel very differently about them all now, and things will never be the same as they were.

There’s been some very balanced views on here and I really appreciate everything everyone has said. It’s nice to get outsiders perspectives, because it’s not something I’ve really spoken much about in real life.

But I am judging, and I can’t move past it and be the same.

It is ok to be judgey in some situations, it really is.

If your brother had stolen a car or physically injured a child whilst speeding for fun it would be acceptable to judge him.

Infidelity is shabby- it encompasses :
•lying
•cheating
• extreme selfishness
• hurting and injury to children
• taking from others
• family neglect
• ' theft ' of family time
• often diversion of family money

Few people in society find these things morally acceptable. It's worse than say stealing alcohol from the supermarket as the betrayal is against a partner you have promised to love and be loyal to.

The decision to have an affair involves a secret selfish choice. Plain and simple, infidelity is extremely unkind and is wrong.

You will always think less of your brother and things won't be exactly the same.Although time will probably soften your feelings, you don't need to force yourself to move on until you are ready.

I sided (had to pick sides) with a cousins wife after he shat on her and I think I made the right decision tbh. I share the cousins wife's value system and align my briefs more to her than her ex cheater. My relatives continued to alienate her and I couldn't bare it so I contacted her and told her I was on her side. My decision sits well with me and I'm comfortable with it so it must have been the right thing to do.

I'd like to say id feel the same as you his children should be the priority here and it's nice you continue to support SIL who is the shat upon party. Maintain relationships with the rest at a distance maybe for a while especially your mum who sound like a total nightmare

I recently split from my husband. It was my decision but my in laws have been nothing but fair. My MIL rang me the day after to say she hoped nothing would change in our relationship and in fairness to her it hasn't. That is very important for my 2 dd. Their dad is currently living with his parents so contact is usually at their house. It's much better they see everyone getting on.

My ex SIL stood by me when something similar happened. My exh told a lot of stories of how miserable our marriage had become (I was pregnant myself so it was all news to me!) He said these things to make excuses for himself. His dad bought it and we don't have anything to do with each other anymore but my SIL didn't buy it and we still see each other regularly 4 years on. I love her dearly.
She doesn't speak to her brother still and sees her niece through me.
She wanted to reconcile with him but he refuses, probably because she wasn't loyal to him and 'chose' me. He's unreasonable like that.
Anyway, YANBU and there's still plenty of time for things to settle enough for you to see the children on both sides. I actually get on with the OW now, we coparent so I don't have to have much contact with my ex.
Your SIL will appreciate your friendship & support through all of it I'm sure.

You’re only going to be an aunt, if you don’t want to see it/see it frequently I don’t really see how the child will be harmed by that. Especially as it won’t be losing contact like the other children have. I haven’t seen my aunts/uncles/cousins in over 35 years (except when one cousin was on Deal or No Deal) and it’s had zero impact on my life.

I can see how you’ll get fallout though. If I were you I’d use your new baby as an excuse for a bit. You’ll have a fair few months when you can easily be too pregnant/tired/busy/overwhelmed to leave the house and see people. After that you’ll have to come out on one side or another but maybe by then you’ll have decided if you want to cut them off or if you can stand the occasional polite visit.

I think you are right too he has been really nasty as has your mum....
keep seeing your nieces and nephews it must be really hard for them...
SIL sounds fair by not involving you.....as you will have a newborn soon you can just focus on your own immediate family...

I would be telling your dm to stop with the stories tales of their marriage etc...or just constantly change the subject, really out of order...