Am I being a mug?

[bigfishlittlefishtupperwarebox]

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble...

I've been with my DH for 6 years, married for 4 and we have a 2yo DD. Things haven't been great for the last year or so, I think mainly because of general life with a child - can't go out much as a couple etc - and with him working a lot (self employed, approx 60-70 hours a week).

A week ago last Sunday we had a big talk after I got upset about something and he said he needed time to think about our future, and he needed time on his own. So off he trotted to a nearby hotel. He came after work Monday and Thursday to see DD, and was back at the weekend.

He still hasn't decided if he wants us to split or to try and work on our marriage. I told him over a week ago that I wanted to work on things but he still needs more time to think apparently. I'm frankly just about at the end of my tether with this now. I have had to carry on for two weeks not knowing what's going on. Am I wrong to think he's just dragging it out?? Surely he could have worked out what he wanted by now?

He said the other day that he was going to take the afternoon off today to "sit alone somewhere and think", so I said well book into a hotel again for tonight then you have a good wedge of time. I know he still hadn't managed to leave work by 3:30 today.

It can't take two weeks of hardly any contact with me to work out what he wants can it?? I feel like I'm being taken for a mug somehow.

Sorry OP but it sounds to me like he might be up to something. I hope I'm wrong.

Other woman?

I know it sounds that way.

I think quite honestly the only thing he wants more time with is his business though. He would literally live there if he didn't have to come home. It's almost all consuming.

Sorry OP I think there could be OW too
Hope I'm wrong.

Hi, it sounds like another woman. It's really hard to see it for yourself though.....I would never have believed it either, until I the saw the evidence myself. It was like a punch in the face.

I would call his bluff....stop telling him you want to work at at it. Don't contact him. Have fun without him (even if you have to pretend). Men have a funny way of not knowing what they want until they've almost lost it. Your lack of interest in him should spur him onto making a decision, whether there's another woman involved or not.

Of course you are being a mug. He knows you will put up with it so he's doing what he wants.
The only way back is to call his bluff and say you have decided not to work at it. Hard when you've got little ones.
In a way he's telling you he's the boss and wont be told what to do.

I don't like pitching it as you being a mug but he is being an utter cunt. How dare he treat you with such contempt. He's a selfish, self-centred prick and you deserve so much better. Out of interest, would you ever treat him like this? No, thought not.

I agree with others, take control and stop waiting for him to make his mind up. Tell him not to come back.

I'm not going to say other woman because there isn't always. I will say that leaving you hanging is very unfair. Either he wants to work on the marriage or doesn't. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

You say you haven't been happy either. Why didn't you address this yourself earlier?

I think I would have let it go on a lot longer because we have our DD and, in the most cliched way, I want to stay together for her. We don't argue, never have, but I guess it's still not the most healthy relationship to be showing her.

I'm just so confused within myself. I don't think that we really love each other any more in a romantic way, I'm just really scared about going it alone - both emotionally and financially.

Am dreading him coming home tomorrow and having to talk it all through again.

@TooTrueToBeGood I think that's exactly what I would have written if somebody else had posted this. I need to get a grip don't I and tell him to sod off

Sounds like you need to take control. Give yourself a time limit, if he’s still stringing this out by Friday next week, you take control and ask him to move out. Sometimes if they think you’ll put up with this type of behaviour, the only way he’ll realise he’s out of order is if he genuinely thinks he’s losing you. But that’s always a gamble

I told him over a week ago that I wanted to work on things but he still needs more time to think apparently. I'm frankly just about at the end of my tether with this now.

I think I'm missing something here, from what source is your income?

Are you sure you actually want to stay with someone who would dick you around like this?

No, I'm really not. I'm struggling to see how I would trust him not to do this again when life wasn't all roses.

@NotTheFordType sorry I don't understand what you mean??

My ex did this, strung me along for two weeks, I begged, pleaded, did the pick me dance. He almost seemed to enjoy the attention, to have me at his beck and call. All of a sudden I just snapped and left. Then it was all roses and crying and snot from him, but it was too late then . I didn’t want him anymore, it was a wonderful feeling. Oh and yes, there did turn out to be an ow

Call his bluff. He wants to try out being separated let him have his job, but also responsibility for DD on his time off. Currently he's all 'woe is me' and relaxing in hotels with no stress. He wants a divorce? Try it. You drop DD off for visitation on the weekend so he actually has to parent. And understands all you do.

Yep he is taking you for an utter mug.

If a man needs 2 weeks to ponder if he wants to be with someone it's glaringly obvious he is not that bothered. Personally if someone was this half arsed with me they would be gone, value yourself more, op.
At the moment he is treating you like shit and you are allowing it. Take the initiative and tell him he is too late, you have also had time to think and he is history.

Thank you all, I know you're right. I really want to tell him that he's too late, but I'm scared. Once I do that there's no going back, I won't change my mind.

I know I sound pathetic but it's just a very scary thought being a single mum.

You know what being a single mum is absolutely fine. It really is. You imagine people will judge you. But the truth is no one else gives a shit if your marriage fails or not. Really they don't. Either people like you or they don't. It means some friends fall by the way because they're bad for you. But it's your choice as a rule.

Financially I was working and the house was mine so I can't comment on that aspect.

I was a single mum for a number of years, and you know what, it was great. Not easy at times but I had control over my life, and that’s the best feeling ever

Seriously being a single mum is fine. Easier actually as you don't have to consider some tosser who expects you to dance around and make him feel special.

As other pp's have said I would guess at an ow. He has the best of both world atm so tell him you've decided since he seems incapable of deciding that you are with his time and attention that you've decided you're worth more than being his backup plan. Tell him he has to have DD 50% of the time so alternating weekends and alternate nights so you have time to go it and do things for yourself.

If you haven't got a job atm then start looking for ft work. Tell him he needs to find somewhere permanent to live as your dd needs stability.

What a tosser he is keeping you dangling and dancing to his tune, you are worth so much more, make sure he knows it.

And if he decides he would like to be with you then make him agree to couples counselling and he stays away from the house until you decide whether you want to have a relationship going forward.

After a load of thinking, I've come to the conclusion that all he really brings to the house is money. That's all I'm scared of losing. I work 3 days, and it looks like I'd be able to get some top-up benefits to keep me afloat for now. The house was mine before I met him.

When he comes home from work at lunch time today I think I'm going to take off and leave him to sort DD out for the rest of the day, she's hardly seen him recently. I'll come back just after bed time and then it's time for the big talk I guess.

Good luck OP.

I think you're doing the right thing, he's been really unfair to you

I would also take the decision for him. If you can’t bring yourself to end it immediately then I’d give him a time limit - decide by Sunday or I’ll decide for you because I’m not living in limbo any longer. Good luck!

Good for you OP