Am I being a mug?

[bigfishlittlefishtupperwarebox]

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble...

I've been with my DH for 6 years, married for 4 and we have a 2yo DD. Things haven't been great for the last year or so, I think mainly because of general life with a child - can't go out much as a couple etc - and with him working a lot (self employed, approx 60-70 hours a week).

A week ago last Sunday we had a big talk after I got upset about something and he said he needed time to think about our future, and he needed time on his own. So off he trotted to a nearby hotel. He came after work Monday and Thursday to see DD, and was back at the weekend.

He still hasn't decided if he wants us to split or to try and work on our marriage. I told him over a week ago that I wanted to work on things but he still needs more time to think apparently. I'm frankly just about at the end of my tether with this now. I have had to carry on for two weeks not knowing what's going on. Am I wrong to think he's just dragging it out?? Surely he could have worked out what he wanted by now?

He said the other day that he was going to take the afternoon off today to "sit alone somewhere and think", so I said well book into a hotel again for tonight then you have a good wedge of time. I know he still hadn't managed to leave work by 3:30 today.

It can't take two weeks of hardly any contact with me to work out what he wants can it?? I feel like I'm being taken for a mug somehow.

So he messaged about lunch time saying he was coming home and wanted to try. He got home about an hour ago, so I'm now in a lovely little coffee shop treating myself to a bit of cake while I decide what to do. I have my notepad and pen. It's not what I expected, and I'm not sure it's what I want now.

Tea and cake solves most things OP

Write down the first sentence you want to say to him then bullet the important things you need to say. No doubt the company nversatiin wont go as planned but at least you’ll be able to remember the bits you need to tell him

If this has prompted you to reconsider your relationship then you can always ask him to leave again while you do some thinking OP.

Would you pick him now, OP?

I’d tell him in case of divorce you are each doing 50% of child rearing, with WEs alternating. See how he likes it.

Do bear in mind that because you have both lived in house during the marriage, it is now a marital asset so goes into the pot go be divided should you split. The rules for pre-marital assets do not apply if that asset becomes the family home.

Yes, but I think he would give up any claim on the house if I did the same for his business. He'd do anything to protect that.

Would I pick him knowing what I know now? No I wouldn't. But we have a young DD and I think it's worth thinking about it for a while longer now, given that if I ask him to leave I won't let him back, so this is last chance stuff.

Will see how the conversation goes after she's in bed tonight.

He wants to 'try'? What exactly does that look like? Has he booked marriage counselling, is he whisking you away for a surprise weekend, taking you to your favourite restaùrant? Or does he mean he expects you to bend over backwards to keep him happy, knowing full well he has carte blanche to fuck off again whenever he fancies leaving all the shitwork and childcare to you. Christ this joker is taking the piss, how can you respect him treating you like this?
I am a single parent and it is a fucking picnic compared to putting up with headfuckery from wankers like him. Be selfish, op. Think of you and dc, because this guy clearly does not have your back. Good luck.

I agree that the power dynamic is off now. It's all about him deigning to give you another chance. Bollocks to that. He needs to understand that you are also evaluating his worth as a husband.

I know that it's important to consider more carefully now you have a child. But I know so many women in miserable marriages with happy husbands. Because the husbands' needs are all being met but the wife's aren't.

MrsTerryPratchett is spot on with her post!

Agreed with the above posters, listen to him and find out what he wants, as no doubt he’ll be telling YOU how YOU can improve the relationship for him. Then you lay down what you need HIM to do to make the relationship better for YOU. See how he takes that

We had a big talk and are going to see how it goes for now. He said give it 3 months, I said 1. If he can't improve on how often he's at home (and being helpful) in a month then I think it's time to call it, rather than dragging it out until Christmas.

Thanks ladies for the helpful words and the courage and clarity you helped me get.

Ok op, well done. I don't think he's going to change but I can see why you want to give him one last shot. Just be clear that you do make a decision after a month.