Someone nice after an awful relationship - I like him but feel uncomfortable?

[userthyigba]

Basically I’ve met someone nice. Really nice. He’s down to earth, funny, kind and caring. He’s respectful of me and my boundaries and has never made me feel pressured - I’ve not wanted sex so far for instance and he’s not so much as joked about it even though I know he wants to. We haven’t been seeing each other long, only 4 months, but I am so unsettled by all the calm!

Background: I had an ok childhood with parents who were present but I felt like i constantly had to seek their emotional attention. I’ve never felt able to express any emotions properly or at all with my parents and still can’t. I understand now that it is ok to share emotions and I am able to do that with partners.

I’ve been in horrible relationships in the past, a couple of good ones but also a couple of bad ones. The last one was terrible - full of emotional abuse and huge amounts of silent treatment that left me feeling nearly broken. That got me to buckle up and address some things, I’ve started therapy and reading around what a healthy relationship is and I am much more careful about dating and taking things slow is a big thing for me.

The reason I’ve come here is because I don’t trust my judgement anymore. Why do I feel scared about someone being kind? Why does it make me feel embarrassed and shy? I cringe sometimes when he makes an effort to see me or do something nice.I feel actually uncomfortable when he is so nice to me! The thing is, my abusive ex was nice to me often, and I never cringed..I was usually relieved he was being nice and had stopped silent treatment etc. So I could deal with the nice.

I want a family and a husband and I don’t want to make the mistakes I have in the past. I guess I am making the right start by therapy and taking things very slowly.

But... If any of you have experienced anything similar and found peace with someone lovely and learned how to accept that into your life, please share!

It took me years not to be hooked on the drama of an up/down/on/off relationship. Calm is sort of boring in a good way. I did keep expecting DH to be an axe murderer but 20 years on, still the same.

Get yourself into therapy and don't embark on a relationship until you love yourself.

TBH... personally I'd not trust anyone who was prepared to wait 4 months (!) for sex.

How did you stop wanting the hook /comfort of the up and down and nasty /nice?

He’s waited 4 months as we chatted for the first 3 weeks then met once a week afterwards!

I wouldn't trust a man that waited four months for sex

We’ve done plenty of other things - it’s just me wanting to take it all a bit slower! Haha

Re your comment that I have separated out:-

"The reason I’ve come here is because I don’t trust my judgement anymore. Why do I feel scared about someone being kind? Why does it make me feel embarrassed and shy?"

Its in all likelihood from your innate belief that started in childhood at the hands of your parents that you are not good enough. You feel embarrassed because you think at heart you do not deserve someone to treat you kindly. No-one, least of all your parents, taught you what an emotionally healthy and mutually respectful relationship is and you still do not really know now. Have you talked about this whole matter with a therapist?.

"I cringe sometimes when he makes an effort to see me or do something nice.I feel actually uncomfortable when he is so nice to me! The thing is, my abusive ex was nice to me often, and I never cringed..I was usually relieved he was being nice and had stopped silent treatment etc. So I could deal with the nice"

Your abusive ex did the nice/nasty cycle on you and that is a continuous one. If you were to think about it some more you would perhaps come to the conclusion that he was never nice to you and was only "nice" when he was wanting something of you and/or was exerting his power and control over you. Your childhood as well set you up good and proper into accepting such abusive and poor treatment from relationships. Not all relationships are full of drama along with great highs and crushing lows; those relationships tend on the whole to be far more problematic and abusive in nature.

Love your own self for a change. No more relationships till you have worked through this far more with a therapist. You may also want to look at and or post on the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Keep doing what you’re doing; reading around the subject, talking to a therapist, coming on here and reading threads. Does your therapist specialise is dealing with people traumatised by abuse? Many know nothing about dynamics of abuse so it is worth looking for one that does.

I went through something very similar. Two abusive relationships one after the other. When I met my current boyfriend, I felt like something was missing. What I thought of as ‘intensity’. I now think most abusive men (or certainly the ones I’ve met) have this ‘intense’ quality; it’s just one of a suite of characteristics they seem to share, along with being unusually good at communicating how they feel about you at the beginning. My boyfriend was handsome, clever, kind and we got on really well but he’s quite reserved and not very good at showing his feelings. And I just didn’t feel that ‘pull’ I’d felt with the others. We also didn’t have sex for the first five months because the trauma of my last relationship meant I physically couldn’t. Anyway, I nearly finished it several times in the first few months because I didn’t feel what I thought I should. Now I realise I just wasn’t used to taking it slow with someone who had boundaries and respected other people’s. I’m so glad I didn’t because three years in we’re really happy. We run a business together and we still don’t really argue!

So my advice would be keep taking things slow and keep interrogating your past. In time, you should be able to work out whether it’s him or just your expectations of how a relationship should work that are wrong. PM me if you want

You haven't wanted to have sex with him in four months? He makes you cringe?

Doesn't sound like relationship material to me, no matter how safe it is.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now. I understand I have learned behaviours that make me very comfortable and ironically safe accepting turbulence and anguish and ‘fights’ for attention and love.

This new man I have been seeing has displayed no abusive tendencies. We talk a lot, he’s honest (so far!) and very respectful of my boundaries. I don’t want to mess something up by swinging the opposite way and pushing someone away for no real reason. I can tell this man is a good man. There’s no drama and it’s like a new scary world to me.

As for the sex. There’s a huge spark. I want to have sex, I’m just not going to allow myself into anything until I can be as sure as I can be that the person doesn’t suddenly become abusive.

mrstwit that intensity comment is exactly how I feel!

We are intense about chatting about stuff, life, our day, but not about ‘us.’ We are intense and passionate when we kiss but not intense about where the relationship is going or what’s wrong with one us or needing to have big talks etc.

It’s such a strange feeling. It’s a nice feeling but so so so unfamiliar! Even the couple of good relationships I have had were difficult to be in for logistical reasons and I think I weirdly both enjoyed and hated them for that - but the drama was there.

This man is wanting to see me, doesn’t push me to meet when I’m busy, clearly wants sex but won’t make a thing out of it, he’s understanding, respectful. And it’s not boredom I feel, just a feeling of not knowing what I am doing...

I think you need to trust yourself a little more. Even if you had sex and he suddenly became abusive, you can handle it. You know the red flags and you know you can leave an abusive relationship. You can't ever guarantee that someone won't turn out to be an asshat, but you can ensure that you're never in a position where you can't walk away.

I'm reasonably similar in terms of relationship history, and with my now dh, the thing that helped me most was to maintain 'my' life. So if he ever became a fuckwit I could relatively easily up and walk away. I also gave myself a list of strict dealbreakers - no giving him chances if he crossed those lines (so I wouldn't go down the classic boiling a frog abusive path again). It's worked out so far and the calmness feels right now, rather than weird.

Don’t forget that one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship is going at warp speed at the beginning. I was living on a different continent with my abusive ex five months after meeting him. And culturally, women are encouraged to see this early commitment (‘love at first sight’, ‘when you know, you know’ etc) as a good thing. But it’s often a sign of trouble ahead. However if you’re used to it - and it sounds like you are - you can read someone not being visibly obsessed by you and taking things slowly as them not being into you at all. But if he turns up when he says he does, keeps arrangements and doesn’t muck you about, it suggests he is into you, but he’s also normal. Just give yourself some time, and keep an eye on how he treats you.

That’s interesting... he is very keen to speak a lot and tells me how much he likes me, suggested a weekend away!!! All of which I have pushed back on and he’s totally understanding when I do. There’s no argument or him feeling hurt etc. He just accepts the boundaries while making it clear he wants to see and speak to me.

Is that normal?! I’m starting to like it.

Why is everyone so mistrustful of s man waiting to have sex?! Men are happy to wait when they genuinely like someone and don't want to make them uncomfortable.

I hate how casual sex has become. It's not like giving someone your phone number.

OP - he sounds lovely. You can't mess things up with the right person.

Even when I have expressed anxiety about it - ive not even let him stay over yet - he just asks calmly why, and listens, accepts it, and that’s it?! No drama just talking and understanding. It feels so strange though.

Agree with what’s. Can’t understand why this is seen as a bad sign. Being pushy/setting deadlines would be more worrying

Just take your time. The only one that seems to be putting you under pressure is you.
Normal takes a lot of getting used to. Soak it up. Take it for what it is. Try not to judge. Keep on with the therapy. Relax. What is meant to be will be.

Had to laugh at this thread. So, basically, a guy needs to propose sex within the mythical 5 minute window between coming across as too demanding or being seen as a lackadaisical weirdo, else he's SoL?

God bless MN.

I thought that was funny as well! I thought it was a nice trai!

Trait*

My best friend had a similar experience, came out of a long term relationship with an abusive narcissist and after a few hiccups met a lovely, normal guy. She didn't trust the calm either she was convinced that she was addicted to the drama of her previous dp. She took her time, had counseling and learned to trust her own judgement. Lovely normal guy stuck around and they have been together ten years, married for 3. Why wouldn't a decent man wait a few months for sex, if there was no spark or there was no reason to hold off maybe, but in these circumstances I think it shows he really likes the op. Only time will tell how it will pan out.

That’s such a nice story! I’m really aware I have stuff to work on privately to understand that it is ok to accept this calm and to embrace it rather than be fearful of it. I have kept my distance from this new man on that basis, meeting him less than he would want to and taking the physical side really slow.

I guess as a poster above says, if it works it works and he will stick around.

I’m not used to such care and patience and understanding, without any pushy attitude or games. That’s what it is supposed to be like though isn’t it?

OP, this feels very similar to what I experienced when I met my DP three years ago. I’d been in an emotionally abusive marriage for many years and had been single for around 4 years.

I think the comments about intensity from the other poster are spot on. This becomes such a normality in an abusive relationship that it’s easy to feel something is missing when they are not there. When I first met my husband, many years ago, we’d have these long, really deep conversations, all about our relationship, how we felt, what our plans for a future together were etc. This started within a few months! The problem was, that as the years went on, the intensity became a force for bad instead of food, and the long conversations became focussed on all that was wrong, why was I being too controlling, why didn’t I respect him enough etc etc.

I can laugh about this now, but when I was first getting to know my DP, I spent a lot of time waiting for the ‘proper conversations’ to start. We’d be snuggled up in bed, all happy and I’d be lying there waiting for him to talk about his thoughts, future plans etc. Then, I’d realise he’d fallen asleep but with a smile on his face!

I will confess that I have on a few occasions- maybe 4 or 5 in 3 years - initiated a ‘proper conversation’. This is when i’d Felt the need for a bit more meaningful discussion about our relationship and i’ve Felt that in need to ask some questions about stuff. I’m very conscious that I often feel better for having done this, however I need to guard against trying to recreate the highs/lows codependency that I knew before.

Oh, and if i’d Explained all this early on to my DP, I can confidently say he’d have waited 4 months for sex. I can’t believe some of the comments people have made in relation to this.

lady thanks for your post! The high low dependency is a huge thing. Even where there hasn’t been abuse as such, I’ve taken the hard road with people who maybe lived further away, or were going through something that got in the way of me and him that we had to work through. And the perfectly simple people who were straightforward and easy I was afraid of!

I don’t feel bored with this man, just actually scared. It is hard to explain! I think it is because he seems so happy to just be around me, and me with him, I’m sort of waiting and thinking well now what? Where’s the dramatics? He can’t really be that bothered about something so easy.

I want to shake this so much. I love intimacy but with him the intimacy feels 100 times more significant because it’s not folllwing a row or a heated discussion or a huge high.

I don’t want to push him away, I want to accept this into my life. It is hard though and feels so unfamiliar!