Sick to death of DH

[melissasummerfield]

I have been married for 12 years, together for nearly 20 ( met in our teens ) we have 3 under 5 dc, the baby is 1 tommorow.

My husband is terrible with money and consistantly lies to my face and today it has all come to a head when at 7am a baliff came to our house and put a clamp on my car because he hasnt paid any council tax for god know how long. I had to phone my dad to pay for it. We live next door to the school that my older dc attend and all the teacher are driving past my house seeing this, i feel utterly humiliated, not to mention the neighbours seeing it all going on.

Ive told him that i cant do this anymore and that im not raising children in a house where we are afraid to answer the door.

He has said he had fucked up and i can just have all the money and take over, this has just made me more angry because why should i have to do this when i am married to an adult man.

For context he earns enought to pay all the bills and have some left over for non essentials, i pay for food and fuel and some left over for stuff like birthdays and christmas etc.

I dont know what to do anymore, i have asked him over the last few months if there was anything going that i didnt know about and he has point blank lied to my face. Im just so sick of it.

Feel like i should also add that my mum died two months ago so i am all over the place mentally, so i dont know if this is clouding my judgement as right now i just want to tell him i dont want to be married anymore.

For what its worth he is a great dad and my kids absolutely adore him.

Im sorry to hear about your mom

If he has been like this for the entire 20 years, I guess you have two choices.

1. Take over the finances, stop expecting a totally useless man to pay his share.

2. Leave him.

If you love him and the kids love him, I'd go with option #1. Relying on a useless man to "pay his share " is fruitless . Obviously he is never going to do this - and honestly it's not hard to pay it all yourself. At least you'd never have to worry about having your car clamped again. Good luck .

I'd get a credit report before I made any decisions.

In the meantime I would take control of the money.

Leaving him won't be quick. Best to find and fix what debts you can in order to help your credit rating when you leave. Maybe squirrel some emergency money away. No way I would stay with a useless liar but I'd extricate myself carefully.

Run the reports on both of your names. He may have taken debt out in your name.

If you get an inheritance from your mum don't tell him. Keep it completely secret. Even if he can't touch it, he might own it in his mind and spend like it is hitting the bank account any day.

Thanks for the replies, it hadnt even occured to me to question what had happened to the money, sigh.

The thing is I can’t imagine explaining to my dc when they are older that i split from their dad because he was crap with money, it doesnt seem like enough of a reason to split up a family.

Surely financial incontinence, abuse and adultery are the three main reasons people get divorced.

It's not like he pays the council a week late every month is it? He failed to pay for months and lied to your face.

Anyway, when you find out about the women, prostitutes, gambling or drugs you'll have your "reason".

How come you didn't see any of the letters? What other bills is he responsible for? Does he hide that mail? I assume he has a bank account to which you have no access hence you not knowing that bills weren't going out? Can you get access while he's feeling guilty? What's his plan for repaying your dad?

What cottontail said. Take control for now while you decide what to do and keep a little to one side for an exit if you decide to leave. If not you can use it for a family treat or something further down the line.

I too would question where all the money went?

I don't see what's so bad about him asking you to control the money - someone needs to do it, and it's clearly not working with him doing it currently. I would swap it for another task. So you look after budgeting and paying bills, and he does (insert task here).

I know this doesn't excuse the situation currently, but it seems a fair way to proceed. As other posters said, check credit ratings and find out what he's been wasting spending it on before you make any lasting decisions.

For now do take over the finances and find out what is going on!

Once you know what is going on you make the decision to stay or go

Take over the finances, but hand over some of the unpaid work you do for the family in return.
Can he be responsible for more housework tasks in the evenings if he works daytimes?

Don’t just get suckered into doing everything because you do it better.

If he fucks in his new jobs, resist the temptation to pick up the consequences or so it for him. So, if he dyes all the DCs school shirts pink, He can rush out on Sunday night and spend his own money on more.
And learn how to wash them properly next time.

You might be a kinder woman than me but I’d be handing over the most boring, thankless and inconsequential stuff too.

Fucks up his new jobs

Several things:

For now take over the finances.

Get a credit report done on him via noddle and clear score, both are free and that will tell you all you need to know about his finances, it will show you all credit cards, loans etc in his name, any defaults and ccjs.

I’d also ask him for the last 12 months of bank statements from him so you can fully see what he’s been spending his money on.

Then you need to decide if you want this responsibility, with a grown adult and if you want to continue a relationship with him.

He's not a great Dad when you've got the bailiffs at the door because he's not paid the council tax. Next time maybe your dad can't bail you all out and the bailiffs will take your car or your TV or your kids toys. He's a rubbish dad.

Why did you write he is a great dad?. You yourself have written nothing positive about him and you're married to this person. What are you getting out of this relationship with him other than lies that spill from his mouth?. I would be asking him to move out now.

No he is not a great dad at all to his children if he can and does put them and you in such financial dire straits that the balliffs call to collect items. At the very least you need to see credit reports and work out where all the money has gone.

I divorced my exh over money.
He lied about his actual wage amount. Spent £££££ on it turns out - lunch and nights out for his friends!
And golf.
We were apparently so skint I was borrowing to pay bills and buying meagre groceries.
Caught him out on a Sunday night.
Told him it leave so he did on the Monday while I was at the solicitors filing for divorce!! Didn't even see him!
Never have 6 years later!
Your dc will respect you op.
Ltb.

He's not a great dad if he's not paying the bills that keep a roof over their heads.

Honest answer, he's never going to change. And who wants to parent their DH??

What a nightmare for you!

You need to know where the money went and what else he hasn't paid.

I'd take over the finances and make sure he has duties in the house which he can do and aren't related to money. That's assuming it's nothing more sinister than him being crap with money and that you're going to stay together.

Sorry to hear about your mum, losing a parent is really hard

Hi op I could have written this post so similar I would say set up a joint account get him to put x amount of money in leaving him his own money do same for you then he can’t mess up house hold bills but would also get a credit check done. I didn’t leave for dc sake but I’m stuck now with his debts and he never admitted where it all went and I will never trust him ever again but I could also end up with someone new who does same or cheats or is violent so better the devil you know in my case I said if it happens again you leave but it doesn’t get any better unless he stops the lying and my oh isn’t capable of it good luck

Agree with others, take over the finances for now however he will need to come clean with you about the state of your finances and any other potential issues.

If you have enough household income it is much easier to set bills like council up by direct debit.

There would have been a series of warning letters re the council tax so he has hidden these. I would start opening all mail and tell him why. You will have had quite a bit extra added in admin and fees for the bailiffs to call.

Lastly, just so you are prepared, look at the info regarding bailiffs on the citizens advice website www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/action-your-creditor-can-take/bailiffs/. If your car had been parked away from your drive they would not have been able to clamp it as they wouldn't have known it was yours. If you ever let them in they can take goods and get access in the future - please NEVER answer the door and let them in.

Sorry for your loss

I would suggest getting proper legal advice about how to separate your finances when you leave him.

As is, you are married which means you share his debt, but also any assets.

I'd sit down and do a thorough accounting of all finances and then decide where to go from there (but almost certainly wherever I would go would be without him!)

Honestly, I would normally shout LTB in situations like this but this time I’m not. Your mum just died and the last thing you need right now is more emotional upheaval right now. If it was me, I’d take over the finances. Put one of those bank limits on his account. So they call if anything over £100 goes out. Shut it all down as much as poss. Everything goes into and out of yours. I know you shouldn’t have to do this but right now it’s a better option than dealing with a divorce. Do him a deal where you take on the finances and he takes on one of your jobs in return (walking the dog, food buying, school drop offs...whatever works). We are all only human and we make mistakes. If this is the first and he’s not gambled it away, I’d say give him this one because sometimes life is shit and we screw up but put things in place to make sure it can’t happen again. Then book him a counsellor. You should go see a bereavement counsellor for support too. As for the school playground gossip just ignore it. Everyone’s got shit going on. If anyone asks you about it just laugh and say “flipping speeding tickets we never even knew we had!! All sorted now thank goodness”

Another one asking what he's doing with the money. OP I get your point about having to take the reins over money when he is an adult - but - I really don't believe any adult can be "rubbish with money" unless they have a learning disability of some sort. Rubbish with money is a euphemism for "selfish person who spends recklessly on stuff they want without a thought for their loved ones". Or they have a habit of some sort which eats it up.

Be mindful of the example you are setting for your DC - having the bailiffs round is serious shit, not some silly chappy who blew his wages on a spontaneous extravagant treat.

And as is rightly said so often on here - he can still be a great dad if you do spilt.

This isn't about money, op. It's about a complete lack of trust and him putting your family into severe financial danger.

Immediately take over the finances, and I mean every single penny. All of the money goes into an account that only you have access. Get your finances sorted and then start saving and planning for your exit. Your husband is an anchor around your neck and he will not change.

A great dad, god you don't expect much eh, disgusting behaviour, what has he done with the money???

You either take control and treat him like a child or you leave.

In view of any inheritance.... if possible do not have it linked to your name because if you do divorce later on, it will be classed as a marital asset.

Unless you need the cash now, ask your Dad to invest it on your behalf

I’m in exactly the same position OP. The money is one thing but for me the big issue I can’t get over is how it has made me feel about him. I have no respect for him because he cares so little about our family’s security and I can’t trust him anymore. It makes me feel utterly unsupported and that he can’t care about me. And that in turn has meant I can barely stand for him to touch me.

DH will say “I know I’m bad with money” but that is such bull crap - like it’s out of his control and cannot he helped. As a pp said, unless they have learning disabilities there is no excuse for them to be “bad with money”.

No advice but if you’ve got to the point I have, I am not sure there’s any coming back from it.