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Original poster

How to cope with job change

30 replies

SunflowerJo08 · 20/09/2018 17:39

I am third week into a new job which is near enough full time, having upped my hours from three mornings a week to five near full days. I did this for a change of career, more money/savings/pay debts, and to generally get out of the house more and become more independent.

The trouble is that my husband is struggling to adapt to the fact that I need what he calls 'help' and I call 'teamwork, family life' - I get up an hour before him and go to bed a good hour before him. In the morning, I'll put a wash on first thing and ask him to peg it out before he leaves for work, which is usually a good hour after me. But because he is usually still in bed, he "doesn't have time" to do this, and usually it is still in the machine soaking when I get home.

In the evenings, he sits and watches tv whilst I cook, clean, iron and make lunches, etc. So I'm cramming everything into a few hours and getting zero free time. I'm only on here now because he has gone out, despite the fact he was supposed to be cooking tea!

So I feel like he can just come and go as he pleases, agree to cook tea and then not, just go out at the exact time tea is supposed to be being planned/cooking/ready to eat. Typical family tea time, and he goes out. Usually if he isn't out he is tinkering about in his shed.

He rarely picks up after himself or 'offers' to 'help' with jobs such as the dishwasher etc. He did manage to do some washing last weekend when I was at a long-booked wedding day out, when I put together three piles and specified an order according to importance and drying time, but he did it in the wrong order, and completely ignored the last load that I had said to put in first, which was white school shirts that I had planned to iron sunday morning. So I ended up eventually ironing these at ten to nine on Sunday night. He couldn't see the issue.

He cannot see that if one thing falls off the plan, another few things fall with it and it is then me who has to play catch up. He strolls in from work and then straight out again, ignoring anything remotely domestic. I am accused of shouting, nothing being good enough, dictating, etc etc. When all I am trying to do is offload some of the mental load, which he then cant carry out. So its back onto my shoulders again.

Apart from bash head against a brick wall, what can I do?

OP posts:
WeakAsIAm · 20/09/2018 17:49

LTB Grin

Original poster
SunflowerJo08 · 20/09/2018 17:53

If only I didn't love him, it would be that easy! I know it all sounds so trivial but it is just the adding up of all the things. I feel like I am doing absolutely everything and his home time is his free time, whereas mine is just doing yet more things for everyone else. Also, with the weekend washing, he put my work clothes in the tumble dryer and shrunk them. It's all so frustrating and means that the weekends are never family time or free time either.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 20/09/2018 18:03

I couldn't live like this and just reading your post was making me very angry tbh. 😡 People will come back with suggestion about how to coax him into a plan where you divvy up the chores but I've personally walked this road and unless he can think about this himself and come to the decision about what he's prepared to do himself, you'll probably be accused of nagging. I hope you succeed and haven't got a Manchild 💐

BackInTheRoom · 20/09/2018 18:05

I feel like I am doing absolutely everything

....Because you most probably are 🙄

Original poster
SunflowerJo08 · 20/09/2018 18:11

He is definitely a manchild and at the moment it would seem like I am doing everything! He has dyslexia and adult ADHD which makes it hugely difficult for him to prioritise and process things. In my bitchier moments I feel like this gives him excuses, really. Most of all I hate feeling like we are not a priority. I knew things would change with the new job but just three weeks in I feel an overwhelmed, grumpy old lady.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 20/09/2018 18:14

Does your DH work? Was he living independently before he met you?

Original poster
SunflowerJo08 · 20/09/2018 18:19

Yep he works but for himself so can pick own hours essentially. He's never really lived independently, always had some sort of female slave, firstly his mother who is the type to wash up and pack away your mug when you've just finished the last drop of tea. He's always lived very independently in his own mind, however! Solo inhabitant of own planet.

OP posts:
Sorry10 · 20/09/2018 18:32

I think your expecting a little too much from him. Men just aren't programmed in the same way as woman, they don't care about washing . When I've asked dh to peg washing out he does it wrong so I'd rather do it myself. I could never give him instructions doing 3 lots of washing it would never get done . My dh washes up and tidy up when he's off work , not to my standard but it's still a help . I don't even allow him to use dishwasher Smile

BackInTheRoom · 20/09/2018 18:37

So because he's self employed, he presumably has to organise his business day to day? Look for work?
So why can't he allocate himself some jobs within the home to carry out himself?

I just looked up the definition of the word 'Slave':

'especially in the past) a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them.'

No one, not you, is forced to obey him.

Original poster
SunflowerJo08 · 20/09/2018 18:38

Everything he does he does wrong and it would be easier to do it myself, but I can't physically do that if I'm not here. It's become a case of having it done wrong, or not at all and then it's just another thing on my mind.

He's been driving round with no insurance on his van for the past two days as I hadn't had time to renew it online - but why should this be my job? I don't expect him to sort out insurance on my car. I knew it would be tricky but since I started this job he seems to find more and more excuses not to be here. He's been talking about selling one of his boats for the past year, then decides to it this week which has meant he has been out of the house for meal time every evening this week. If we wait for him to come home, it then puts back my bedtime by at least an hour to finish catching up on jobs. He just doesn't seem to get this. I feel like a team of one.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerJo08 · 20/09/2018 18:42

That's exactly what I say BackInTheRoom, but when he is here, it's like he can't see any of the jobs that need doing. My alarm goes off at 6am, his goes off at 7am but he ignores it, jumps out of bed at 8 then says he doesn't have time to do things such as load dishwasher, make bed, etc. So that's down to me when I get home, on top of everything else. Then when he comes home at 4.30pm he disappears until 7pm then expects dinner. Even when he says he'll cook dinner he'll still disappear beforehand then start cooking at 7pm, whereas DS11 needs to be in bed by 8.30pm max and I try to aim for 10pm but it ends up way beyond that. He has absolutely zero bed routine and can come and go as he pleases.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 20/09/2018 18:42

He's been driving round with no insurance on his van for the past two days as I hadn't had time to renew it online - but why should this be my job?

So how come you were tasked with this job? How did the conversation go exactly?

BackInTheRoom · 20/09/2018 18:45

He's been driving round with no insurance on his van for the past two days as I hadn't had time to renew it online - but why should this be my job?

Do you think his ADHD and Dyslexia is stopping him from waking up?

BackInTheRoom · 20/09/2018 18:46

Ignore last post, copy fail!

Here:

My alarm goes off at 6am, his goes off at 7am but he ignores it, jumps out of bed at 8 then says he doesn't have time to do things such as load dishwasher, make bed, etc.

Do you think his ADHD and Dyslexia is stopping him from waking up?

Holidayshopping · 20/09/2018 18:50

Why are you doing his car insurance-how did that come about?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/09/2018 18:54

@sorry10 saying men aren't programmed the same way is a huge cop out and an excuse for men to be lazy and ensure women pick up the drudgery.
It's absolute bullshit

Original poster
SunflowerJo08 · 20/09/2018 18:57

The insurance is just habit, all the jobs I have been doing for a long time whilst being mainly a housewife.

His ADHD and dyslexia definitely has an impact on the organisation of his mind and prioritising - he puts everything into his job organisation wise, although the finances and paperwork are a total mess.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 20/09/2018 18:57

Stop enabling him. Stop cooking his dinners (and make food he doesn’t like so he won’t steal it), stop doing his laundry, or renewing his car insurance (Jesus wept). Go out - on your way tell him he’s in charge of the kids. Do it twice a week. Don’t tell him how long you’ll be. Stop being his mother. Once he’s been wearing his last pair of pants and feeding the kids beans for 3 weeks he might be more willing to talk.

tootiredtospeak · 20/09/2018 18:59

There is a really easy answer continue to do it all but only for you and the DC and not for him. No clean clothes for work tough no tea tough unless your prepared to help 50/50 and not some half arsed attempt we will each see to ourselves. Hopefully he will realise that its hard work and easier if you split the load equally

TastelesslyDone · 20/09/2018 19:01

What Blaa x3 said

juneau · 20/09/2018 19:02

Sit him down this weekend, tell him it's not working and that you're run ragged and exhausted, and suggest that the two of you come up with and agree to a weekly schedule. That way you're not asking him to do things, like he's doing you a favour, and he'll know he's expected to pull his weight. Make it clear that you won't be giving up work and going back to how things were and I'd be pretty firm with him, if it were me. If he can run his own business, then he can peg some bloody washing out, empty the bins or do other household tasks. No, they're not fun to do, but every household needs them to be done.

BeenThereDone · 20/09/2018 19:06

Fully agree with Lelly... It will be hard to ignore the downtrodden and abused attitude him and the kids have tho when mum decides enough is enough. You are going to have to be really tough here.

And there is no reason that the Dc can't be involved in this as well. Time for serious change.,otherwise this will be your life forever

0rlaith · 20/09/2018 19:09

Please don’t think that he doesn’t get it.

Who is the clever one here ? The person who is doing nothing but paid work, housework, child care and wife work and who is angry, frustrated and run ragged?

Or the person who has paid work, a boat , plenty freedom and leisure time, clean clothes, a clean house , meals on the table and their own slave ?

happyasasandboy · 20/09/2018 19:12

I have no idea whether this would work for you, as your husband sounds like he'll do all he can to make it not work (he's very happy with things as they are ....)

We have "default jobs" which we've gradually arrived at. Doesn't mean we don't do they other persons jobs sometimes, but pretty much DH is responsible for DIY (house renovation, 10-years in. He works so so hard at this so it's a big job not a little one!), bin emptying/taking out to wheelie/putting wheelie our on right day incl recycling and tip runs, tidying up whenever something quick is needed, cards/presents/arrangements for his family, garden, his own washing and ironing (I don't iron). I am responsible for feeding everyone incl shopping, clothing everyone, anything children, parties etc, basic housework (tho I regularly get overwhelmed and he steps in and blitzes it because he's better at it), all school runs, being at home when the kids need me to be here (ie outside school/childminder hours).

We have equally stressful full time jobs.

It works for us precisely because we have divided the mental load. I do not think about whether Screwfix needs to deliver a new radiator by Saturday to keep the renovations going, and he doesn't think about whether the kids have uniforms/enough shorts/should be on the beavers waiting list.

I suspect our way only works because we both work really hard to keep our end going. So when the other person me needs help, there's no resentment.

Sorry10 · 20/09/2018 19:25

BlaaBlaaBlaa might be a cop out but true , mind you my dh renews his own car insurance he even takes it for mot Smile

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