Do you think the wife work can kill a marriage?

[ravensmum]

Just that really. He works away in the week, so do I for two days then one day at home and one day freelance (trying to build that up but can’t get the time). So four days and fifth day full of taking toddler to clubs and school runs, errands etc.

I just feel like I do everything and everyone is taking me for a ride. Mum massively pressured me to move home to small town outside big regional city but now doesn’t really help. Dad has become massively sexist in old age and so thinks it’s all my responsibility anyway, asks pointedly about husband’s job and not mine. Sister isnjive but has own issues and not much interested in me.

It’s so lovely here and kids have amazing life here, brilliant state schools etc, extended family. But the toll falls on me.

I just feel like I am responsible for everything. I have started this post five times but to be honest even outlining everything would be so long and boring that I can’t bear to write it. But everything: school, the kids, the childcare, school applications/clubs/permissions/homework, all the diy, the renovations, organising/booking/paying contractors, most of the travel, organising the guy who cuts the lawn who has just tried to rip me off, organising the cleaner who ditto is supposed to help lighten the load but is doing a shit job but I can’t fire as see her at the school gate (spent three hours deep cleaning kitchen on Monday which she was very well-paid to do when we were away at end of summer but clearly didn’t). Am only driver. Therefore also responsible for car, mot, service, insurance. Actually all the insurances. We are in car-dependent place, so all pickups drop offs, errands, popping out to get cash/milk/bread, driving to see friends or out for a jaunt, all me.

I am paid really well for my part time job but it’s odd hours so I have an au pair who is there to deal with the wraparound bit. She is driving me crazy as is sooo sweet and sensitive but from a big, big family where tidiness/self sufficiency is not a big priority, background also very sexist, wife should be at home being grateful to hubby etc. So while I am grateful for her help, she’s just like having a big messy teenager to look after (before pengwynn appears, she’s not a teenager, she’s very experienced but with a similar family to her own ie lots of kids, lots of mess. We pay her a fortune, well above minimum wage + room and board, since I’m not interested in ripping anyone off, and she doesn’t work very many hours, but she is saving her money and so is constantly eating me out of house and home (maybe £150 on top of normal food bill and I cook a lot) and hangs out around a LOT). I need to take a tougher line with everyone because I am spending my entire salary on help to make it work but it’s not working. I feel like a giant pushover, and yet six years ago I was a director of a big company and had an amazing career. I’m trying and trying to get back to that but just fucking it up.

I do all the cooking and grocery shopping. All the presents, Christmas etc. I just feel that if I got separated maybe it would be easier? If I gave up my job and got rid of the childcare, cleaner and rip-off lawn guy, I would probably be better off but then would have no job? Brexit affects what we do.

Alternative is ship kids back to London and get full time job and full time nanny who actually does job.

Meanwhile husband is off jetting round world. It’s like one of those ones where the wealthy guy jets around and the sahm is expected to do everything, except we’re not rich (he’s had three redundancies, none his fault) and I don’t want to be a sahm. But I didn’t want the kids to have that life where they only see us at weekends (and even then we’d be working or checking emails). On paper I have the dream and in real life it’s an administrative nightmare.

I’m really sorry if I sound like a right princess. I just don’t know what to do.

Get a slow cooker and a cleaner!! Just tell (a zillion times) that you need help. I've found that noone offers to give up a good deal of not lifting a finger to help without a fight. So fight you must

We have a cleaner. I think she’s pretty crap tbh, but lovely.

That’s what I mean, I’m starting to feel like I’m a massive mug and I’m paying for all the help, but they’re not helping me!

And if you are paying £150ish a week on additional food, just employ a nanny

I think you’re right. Needs to do overnight care at least one and prob two nights a week though.

Your post has a lot of my Mum, my Dad and my Aupair all think this and that etc but you call it wifework you are not their wife.

They are not your issue with this, they are not responsible for it. HE is so what he works away - he could easily do admin in the evenings organising etc

Financial stuff -why is it your salary not his

You are I think projecting away from the real issue which is your husband

Sack your cleaner and get a better one. Don;t worry about what she thinks as she clearly doesn't worry about working for her money.

You must have known when you moved about your h's working patterns and thought about lifts/taking the kids everywhere? What had you planned to do? Why is reality working out differently?

And you need to have a word with your au pair; how can she eat so much? Set out clearly what you ecpect her to do. Would life be easier if she wasn't around?

Sorry, £150 extra a month though, but I’m spending about £600 on food and I meal plan, shop at Tesco/Lidl etc.

It sounds as if your current family set up isn’t working for you, maybe because it’s not an equal partnership right now because you’re doing 99.99% of the family admin and your husband is so rarely there. An au pair helping with the kids will not make up for that. And having your DH away so often is tough too, you giving up work may help a little but if it’s the dynamic that’s wrong then it might not make much difference to how you’re feeling. Being a SAHP is very difficult and it isn’t for everyone.

Personally I would seriously consider moving back to London, or somewhere else where you can both get a better worklife balance- with your DH home more to help with family life and where you can up your work hours.

But whatever you decide it needs to start with a serious conversation about how you’re feeling with your DH. Good luck.

We have a cleaner. I think she’s pretty crap tbh, but lovely

Doesn't matter how lovely she is if shes crap. You're paying her to make pressure. Get shot of her and get someone who might be less lovelybut will do the job

eel this is the bit that is driving me crazy. He SWORE he would get his intl driving license changed to a UK one (has to sit uk test). He still hasn’t. He also swore this before I had c section in same small town - he didn’t do it. He thinks I am really over inflating the importance of this, but he just doesn’t understand that I can’t just go and say do a few hours building up freelance on a sat morning as I have to take kids to sports classes, school parties, or else they’re just sitting at home as he can’t take them out.

OP - you sound about where I was for. Any years. Get a different cleaner. Tell the other one that situation has changed, thank her for her service she’s given but you’ll no longer need her.

Change your au pair. Organise for one who is over 21 and has a licence so she can drive. (Do have restrictions on car usage though.) Even if it means getting a little run around. Closer to 25 is even better for the car insurance. This way school runs and activities are taken care of. Asking the au pair to do Cooking for children, pop a chicken in the oven or similar for you, children’s laundry and cleaning children’s rooms and their shared (if au pair shares a bathroom w children) bath is acceptable to ask au pair to do. Au pair to tidy children’s things before cleaner comes. You’ll notice a big difference in how house looks and cleaner can clean if things are already tidied.

We had this arrangement for many, many years. Was the only way I could do my job (when I was in corporate world) as my husband also travelled, as did I sometimes too but certainly a number of late nights working.

Do Tesco (or similar) food shopping delivery. Ask au pair to put away, ticking items off in the list and to let you know what may not have arrived so you can act accordingly.

It is doable with the right help.

Agreed - something needs to give. Approach this as a director: why would you pay for unproductive employees? Get a better cleaner, at the very least and reconsider the au pair as she appears to generate more work than she saves.

Finally: write it all down. Everything. Then talk to your husband with the list in hand. He needs to see the burden of what you are doing. I would also seriously consider a move back to a suburban area (or on a bus route!) as that would cut down on the runaround aspect with the car. I also shop at Aldi and whilst I appreciate the reduced cost, it is another bite out of your day. Perhaps shopping online at Morrisons or similar will help in the short term?

Make the car bit a deal breaker. Until then he can come with you on every single Saturday morning trip. You drop them off and muck around on your phone in the car . If he moans point out I’m still driving so you are only doing a portion of what you think is easy for me to do every Saturday.
Make him do some admin at nights while working away. Be it find a meal to cook and do a shopping list or hand him 3 school forms before he leaves to come back with complete.

1 Can’t the au pair do the lawn for a bit extra?
2 do your food shopping online. Same day every week, same or similar food.

1. Book an appointment for your DH to get his driving test. Honestly, he can fly all over he world but he can’t drive?! What a waste of space

4 sack your cleaner and get another one. Do t nicely, but do it.

1. Actually, I’d look at getting a new au pair.

Why isn’t your DH helping though? You are supposed to be a teM, why isn’t he supporting you?
This is why I’m never impressed with ‘high flying business men’ - it’s so ducking easy to be high flying if someone else is sorting out your entire life to the point of wiping your arse for you

To answer the question in the title of your post, yes wifework and can and does kill many many marriages. It almost killed mine. I got to the point where I was very certain that I'd be better off separated - in that situation not only would I not have my (then very lazy) DH at home making a mess and generally being a useless lump but he would also be required to do solo childcare for at least some portion of the week. On balance it would be a total win for me. I told him that and I meant it. At first he did the usual thing of 'tell me what to do' and grand gestures and I just totally went 'grey rock' on him just repeating over and over what I needed and that he'd have to figure it out and step up before I got around to hiring a solicitor to start our divorce. It took him a ridiculously long time to finally listen to me, properly, but once he did he was like a new person. He had a complete attitude change. No matter how feminist and equal he claimed to be deep in his subconscious he himself admits that he thought the housework and children were my job and that I should be grateful for any little bit that he 'helped' me with. It was only when he acknowledged this and rooted it out that he realised what a dick he'd been and changed his ways entirely. That was only possible though because 1) he's a genuinely lovely person who had misogynist brainwashing, not a misogynist who was pretending to be lovely and 2) He genuinely loves me and was willing to go through the very painful process of facing up to his own shitness (he had counselling to help) and 3) I was willing to hang in there (while at the same time not giving an inch) while he sorted his shit out, doling out plenty of tough love without ever descending into nastiness or hatred.

I think the first step for you is finding your own self worth again. There are so many people walking all over you at the moment you must be flattened entirely.

Also - go and do what you want on a Saturday, leave him to get taxis/take the bus to the kids events.
Don’t let him act like he’s too important to parent his own children!

Would it help short-term for you to find someone else to drive the kids? A friend of mine has employed a lovely retired chap to ferry the kids around and says it saves her hours a week.

'He thinks I am really over inflating the importance of this, but he just doesn’t understand that I can’t just go and say do a few hours building up freelance on a sat morning as I have to take kids to sports classes, school parties, or else they’re just sitting at home as he can’t take them out.'

He does not think you're over inflating the importance of it. He thinks your concerns are not as valid as his wishes and needs and he is unwilling to put himself at any inconvenience to make your load lighter. That is not the attitude of a loving partner, that's the attitude of a selfish shithead.

Let the husband sort out the children at weekends!
He’s got no incentive to learn to drive as he sits on his arse while OP runs around like a headless chicken.

If it’s a choice of: learn to drive vs get the bus and hang around whil the kids have their ballet lesson/whatever then I’m sure he’ll learn soon enough.

Not so much if it’s a choice of:learn to drive or lounge around at home/do hobby’s while wife sorts the kids out

In terms of your cleaner and au pair you are paying them (or providing room and board) in exchange for work. Do not be a mug undervaluing your own time and doing work you have PAID them to do! Insane. A big part of this is knowing you have a right to ask of others what you expect of yourself.

Your partner must learn to drive, that is crazy. I think you need to sit down with DH and explain what is just not working for you as a family and how things can improve, a big one would be him driving.

Adore I just nearly started crying to hear there is someone who has been in similar position.

The thing is, the freelancing business is almost where it needs to be to get going, but I need high-quality time to spend on it, not 1.5 hours here and there while I think about whether we have milk and what we’ll have for dinner. Today I’m supposed to be wfh but have been doing admin and sneaking in a doctor’s appt (for bloods as it’s weird I’m so rundown ) and applying for schools as DH nearly missed two deadlines and writing sympathy cards and just sort of sitting round seething and crying? if I got freelancing /own business up then I could give up part time corporate job and get rid of all the bob-helping help.

Here's what I would do:

Fire all help.
Hire new, good help on a temp basis and make it clear they're fired for any misstep. Use your management skills.
Stop meal planning and all the activities. Radically simplify your life. Chips and chicken nuggets out of a bag with a fruit salad for pudding is fine 5/7 days - honestly. Kids don't need clubs. They need to be outdoors each day, and to learn to swim. That's about it.

Do you need to write sympathy cards? Be honest with yourself. A phone call is quicker, less faff, more personal and doesn't include several steps to complete.

Ask yourself similar questions - why am I doing this? Why do I think this is important? For everything you do. If there are things you can stop doing - stop.

Say no when folk want you to drive them.

Do you need both jobs? Freelance would be nice but is this the right time to invest the effort?

It sounds like you have no boundaries and very high expectations of yourself and none for anyone else. Start thinking critically about this. If you stopped doing things, you do know people would actually survive? You don't have to do everything. And - if people don't like that, if they get angry with you, that's fine they will get over it.

NON-HELPING help.

Just before I started this post I texted him saying that we needed to go to marriage counselling as I can’t take it any more. In fairness at the weekends he does A LOT of laundry. He is pretty shocked, admits he has been shutting me down in the driving thing, has his third lesson this weekend, and we have had a long chat with me at first asking him to name what he has responsibility for domestically (apart from laundry). He can’t. Like nothing, I even bought the house and sold the last one with all attendant horrificness and booked movers etc. By then end of the conversation I asked him what would change for me, apart from money and emotion, if we split? In terms of actually it would just be nice as id at least get every other weekend off. He admitted not much. I also do think that because I am a feminist I like to be able to do all things (put up a shelf! Rehang a door! Deal with the builders! And I just take on and take on and take on and don’t delegate. It’s weird how I can now see how I’m doing this in my personal life where in work I’d have had to deal with it. Not saying it’s all my fault but just trying to see how we got to this point.

I'd stop the renovations
Stop buying pressies
Wouldn't plan Xmas
No more writing cards etc

Radically reset to focus only on myself and my DC. Wouldn't be a permanent reset necessarily - but sanity is significantly more important than renovations, Xmas cards etc