Do you think the wife work can kill a marriage?

[ravensmum]

Just that really. He works away in the week, so do I for two days then one day at home and one day freelance (trying to build that up but can’t get the time). So four days and fifth day full of taking toddler to clubs and school runs, errands etc.

I just feel like I do everything and everyone is taking me for a ride. Mum massively pressured me to move home to small town outside big regional city but now doesn’t really help. Dad has become massively sexist in old age and so thinks it’s all my responsibility anyway, asks pointedly about husband’s job and not mine. Sister isnjive but has own issues and not much interested in me.

It’s so lovely here and kids have amazing life here, brilliant state schools etc, extended family. But the toll falls on me.

I just feel like I am responsible for everything. I have started this post five times but to be honest even outlining everything would be so long and boring that I can’t bear to write it. But everything: school, the kids, the childcare, school applications/clubs/permissions/homework, all the diy, the renovations, organising/booking/paying contractors, most of the travel, organising the guy who cuts the lawn who has just tried to rip me off, organising the cleaner who ditto is supposed to help lighten the load but is doing a shit job but I can’t fire as see her at the school gate (spent three hours deep cleaning kitchen on Monday which she was very well-paid to do when we were away at end of summer but clearly didn’t). Am only driver. Therefore also responsible for car, mot, service, insurance. Actually all the insurances. We are in car-dependent place, so all pickups drop offs, errands, popping out to get cash/milk/bread, driving to see friends or out for a jaunt, all me.

I am paid really well for my part time job but it’s odd hours so I have an au pair who is there to deal with the wraparound bit. She is driving me crazy as is sooo sweet and sensitive but from a big, big family where tidiness/self sufficiency is not a big priority, background also very sexist, wife should be at home being grateful to hubby etc. So while I am grateful for her help, she’s just like having a big messy teenager to look after (before pengwynn appears, she’s not a teenager, she’s very experienced but with a similar family to her own ie lots of kids, lots of mess. We pay her a fortune, well above minimum wage + room and board, since I’m not interested in ripping anyone off, and she doesn’t work very many hours, but she is saving her money and so is constantly eating me out of house and home (maybe £150 on top of normal food bill and I cook a lot) and hangs out around a LOT). I need to take a tougher line with everyone because I am spending my entire salary on help to make it work but it’s not working. I feel like a giant pushover, and yet six years ago I was a director of a big company and had an amazing career. I’m trying and trying to get back to that but just fucking it up.

I do all the cooking and grocery shopping. All the presents, Christmas etc. I just feel that if I got separated maybe it would be easier? If I gave up my job and got rid of the childcare, cleaner and rip-off lawn guy, I would probably be better off but then would have no job? Brexit affects what we do.

Alternative is ship kids back to London and get full time job and full time nanny who actually does job.

Meanwhile husband is off jetting round world. It’s like one of those ones where the wealthy guy jets around and the sahm is expected to do everything, except we’re not rich (he’s had three redundancies, none his fault) and I don’t want to be a sahm. But I didn’t want the kids to have that life where they only see us at weekends (and even then we’d be working or checking emails). On paper I have the dream and in real life it’s an administrative nightmare.

I’m really sorry if I sound like a right princess. I just don’t know what to do.

Whoa donkey the very high expectations of self and none for everyone else has really struck home.

I need the freelance income in order to give up part time job. I need an au pair to give wrap around care to keep part time job as Brexit has affected DH job in such a way that it’s much more insecure (the whole industry). It’s very chicken and egg.

The one card I had to write for pilicital reasons but apart from that you’re right.

OP, what would you do at work if the cleaners (who were your responsibility) didn't clean very well?

That’s the thing. I feel like you’ll roll your eyes in despair but I feel like at the moment something awful has happened to paralyse my personality and I’d probably apologise to them for them doing a crap job and then offer to do it for them and make them a cuppa as well.

Actually seriously though I always do feel a bit guilty about the cleaners in work. It is your typical overwhelming white middle class enclave with non-English speaking immigrant cleaners from deprived areas of the world looking utterly miserable doing a job they are probably wildly over qualified for.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?! Where is the strong feisty manager I used to be?!

You have all cheered me up rightly though. I thought you’d just tell me my diamond shoes are hurting .

Good for you OP. Just be clear that you are not parenting your DH too! Some families have a master organization chart online and have a meeting each week (say Sunday) and split up chores and responsibilities for the coming week/month. If he saw in black and white everything that needs to be done to keep your family functioning that might help. You can also be clearer with yourself about not doing more than a reasonable workload. For example give DH responsibility for getting meals on the table some evenings. He doesn’t have to cook it, he just has to be the one who provides it!

OK but your cleaner at home isn't in that position, is she? You can't blame someone who's in a miserable situation for looking miserable. But your cleaner is paid above the odds and lives in your area, which I assume isn't a really run down part of town. She is taking the piss. In fact your cleaners at work would no doubt jump at the chance to work in your home for that rate of pay. I say the cleaner has to go and I'd use a cleaning service instead, so that you can complain to someone other than the person cleaning your house.

The au pair needs to either shape up or sod off. I'd give her a choice. She's not your friend. She's not a teenager. She's got a job to do and she just isn't doing it.

It looks as though your husband is tackling the driving (at long bloody last.) I think you need a list of all jobs to be done each week and have two columns - one for you and one for him. Then tick them off each week and let him see what a fool he's making out of you.

Honestly, OP, you KNOW that people respect you more if you don't take any shit from them. You know that from your working life.

Read this recently OP and I think you might find it helpful
www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Extreme-Self-Care-Transform-Month/dp/1848501129?tag=mumsnetforum-21
If you stop functioning, everyone's in trouble. So you need to prioritise yourself more.

I want to give you a hug.

That's a bloody huge responsibility and all your plans to get others in to help you have back fires with people not doing their jobs.

Go into business mode. You've got 3 contracts up for tender: gardening, cleaning, and childcare. Are you happy with your current providers?

Gardener it sounds like you've sorted that. Put a note in family diary for 6 months to review.

Cleaner. Nope, she has to go. As she's a school mum, just tell her circumstances have changed so you're giving her one month paid notice. Then, as pp suggested, find and hire a cleaning service. If the cleaner they send isn't good enough, tell them to send someone different until you're happy.

Childcare. Doesn't sound mature enough to me. Write up a list of duties an idea au pair would cover. Include driving duties, tidying the kids things, preparing/cooking their meals. Then consider what additional duties you'd like them to do: putting away the weekly grocery delivery is a good idea. Find an agency to find candidates. Once you feel your in the final stretch, give current au pair notice due to a change in circumstances.

NB. Neither cleaner nor au pair need to know that the change in circumstance is that you're no longer prepared to put up with them

Husband. Give him a deadline to get his test booked. So... he needs to have booked a test by 10th October. Ideally test date is before end of year.

Stop doing any 'wifework' for husband. Completely.

So he does the laundry. Whoopdifuckingdo. He can also draw up a monthly meal plan, and associated shopping list. He can even book shopping deliveries from wherever in the world he is.

When he's home, insist he joins you for every car trip for the kids or household maintenance. Make him see how much time these jobs take, and how his refusal to sort the license is a massive inconvenience.

I'd seriously consider refusing to drive him anywhere if it didn't benefit the whole house. Or even get him a second hand bike, so he can pop to the shops for milk, etc.

Brace yourself for a tough few months. And do book those counselling sessions. He needs to realise you mean it.

Good luck

My heart sank on reading your post, sounds so hard, and fairly familiar.

My suggestion: move back to London if you can afford to.

Then driving won't be up to you, kids can get public transport when old enough. You could even give up the car maybe.

You will have well paid job, maybe try to get 4 days if you want it/can get it, for more balance.

Employ a nanny housekeeper (assuming kids are out of the house at school) Nanny can also take some admin burden: dr appointments, school stuff, buying gifts for kids parties etc.

A London house / flat would likely have a small garden so that's simpler too.

Shop online and have it delivered.

Essentially you can't give much of this burden to your DH as he's away, so you need to find a way to cut it down significantly or it sounds as if you may just drown under it all.

OP, I think you have slightly co-dependant traits (as do I) - I recognise the taking on responsibility when others don't, the spreading yourself thin for everyone else (at your own expense) the lack of boundaries, the difficulty asserting yourself & demanding your needs be met.

For me, understanding this was a revelation & it has all fallen in to place, explaining why I'd been so unhappy.

There are some online co-dependency tests, and I suggest you take one & see where it leads you.