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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pressed self destruct and keep pressing it

42 replies

youdumbfuck · 20/09/2018 13:37

Senior guy at work. Bit more working together in recent months. Work do chat got a bit inappropriate. Everyone had had a drink. Raised eyebrows afterwards but didn’t think much of it. I’ve always respected and admired him and flattered to get some face time with him.

Ended up messaging re work crisis a few months later and it snowballed from there to a whole night of messaging one Friday. Basically it’s ended up in us screwing around.

Both attached.

It’s all escalated so quickly. Ended up getting morning after pill.

It’s like I’m on autopilot and that this is happening to somebody else and still I don’t seem to be able to help myself.

I’ve always been in control in relationships but I’m completely out of control here.

It’s so fucked up. Potentially career destroying and yet I’m just on this really fast train and I can’t get off. I can’t even connect with any guilt.

It’s like I’m in somebody else’s body and feel completely unstable. Even in the act It’s like it’s not me and I’m not there. And it’s quite shocking and rough.

I don’t know if I’m sane. I’m waiting for a tap on the shoulder to be sectioned.

Never been promiscuous in my life. Wtf

OP posts:
user14869556378 · 20/09/2018 13:39

Stop now!

HollowTalk · 20/09/2018 13:41

So you are married. He's married. You've spent the night together? How many times? How long's it been going on?

If you feel so mentally unwell you should see a doctor. You know you're likely to lose an awful lot if you keep going. Make a list of what you'd lose. Think how you'd feel if you lost it.

blueangel1 · 20/09/2018 13:45

Agree with @HollowTalk - it sounds like you ought to get an appointment with your GP and tell him/her how out of control you're feeling.

Original poster
youdumbfuck · 20/09/2018 13:45

A few weeks. Not even spent the night together. It’s been happening at work. He’s making plans to be somewhere I’ll be I think when I’m travelling. I don’t know.

I don’t sleep anymore. I’m so fucking wired.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/09/2018 13:49

You have to keep away from this man at work. You really have to. No staying late. Make sure you're with someone at break times. Don't get in early. Avoid all the times you'd normally see him alone.

Tell him your husband suspects and has said if he finds out who it is, he's going to kick up a hell of a fuss.

Then get to your doctor - preferably a female doctor - and talk to her about how you're feeling.

Emmageddon · 20/09/2018 13:56

Can you consider changing your job?

Avoid this man at all costs - don't be available to him. Sod the fact he's your senior, I bet your not the first person he's shagged at work.
Reconnect with your husband. Stop cheating on him, he doesn't deserve to be at risk of sexual infections because of you.

Things will get really bad if you don't call a halt to this behaviour.

Original poster
youdumbfuck · 20/09/2018 13:57

How would I even start to tell a GP. I keep thinking about just driving past work and keeping driving and just go somewhere. Throw my phone away.

OP posts:
userblah · 20/09/2018 13:58

If you really do feel wired, out of control this can be a sign of mania .......I'd go to gp and keep away from food guy x

Sohardtochooseausername · 20/09/2018 14:01

I did this about 15 years ago. It’s very exciting. If it’s not what you want you need to stop it now. If you want this other man you need to finish with your OH. Otherwise it’s very unpleasant. I know from both sides.

Sohardtochooseausername · 20/09/2018 14:02

I also lost my job during that time. Can never say for sure that the affair was the reason but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with it.

Emmageddon · 20/09/2018 14:02

Changing your phone number would be a start. Deleting his number would also be good.

Do you feel vulnerable? You are posting as if you have absolutely no choice in what is happening.

Next time he suggests you hook up tell him to fuck off.

Then look into why this has happened and why you are in such thrall to this man. Something must have triggered this change in behaviour.

Adora10 · 20/09/2018 14:04

Can't believe you feel no guilt, you are both cheating gits, nasty stuff like, I'd also recommend a visit to the GP to find out why you have no self control or even a conscience, sorry but I don't buy the can't help myself, you are doing it because you want to.

Original poster
youdumbfuck · 20/09/2018 14:06

It’s not an affair. There are no feelings. I can’t delete his number while I work for him. He’s away for a few days. I don’t know if that’s what prompted me to post. A couple of days space from it. He tells me to go to his office. Lockable. No windows into the rest of the office. I go though.

OP posts:
Doingreat · 20/09/2018 14:07

You seem to be going through a crisis of some sort if you can't sleep and are feeling out of control. This is not good. Imagine if your husband found out. You really will lose everything. Go to your gp and tell them how you're feeling. You need medical help.

As for the OM. Tell him you're really not feeling well, have health concerns and and to leave you alone.

itwillbealrightpromise · 20/09/2018 14:11

I agree with HollowTalk and UserBlah - get yourself to the GP pronto. The spiralling, wired feelings despite knowing the negative consequences ring alarm bells for mania/hypomania, which is very dangerous when left unchecked. Have you been doing any other impulsive things - spending a lot, drinking a lot, using drugs etc? How is your sleep?

Doesn't excuse the cheating, of course, which isn't a symptom of mania, nor does mania justify it. Step away from this man, get to the GP and start looking at new jobs. Cheating is wrong, no matter what.

WasFatNowThin · 20/09/2018 14:19

I sort of went through this in May, I had two months of not knowing who I was. Then the whirlwind slowed down and I had a chance to start taking charge. Be careful x

Emmageddon · 20/09/2018 14:22

It IS an affair, stop kidding yourself. A really sleazy affair as well.

Do you think your colleagues haven't noticed you disappearing into his office for your tawdry assignations? I bet people are pointing and laughing at you, without you realising.

Do yourself a favour and stop.
Start to consider the consequences.

Your husband will find out eventually, someone will tell him. Then the shit will really hit the fan.

HollowTalk · 20/09/2018 15:05

It sounds coercive. Is that what you're saying, OP?

Are you saying that he tells you to come to his office and you go, thinking you have no choice? Is he the boss of the whole company? What would happen if you said "Sorry, I can't do that"?

Frazzledkate · 20/09/2018 15:11

You can stop. You sound like a typical person having an affair--it was out of my control, I wasn't sane etc blah blah.

Sort it out. You have control Hmm

Notacluewhatthisis · 20/09/2018 15:16

It's not an affair?

You are taking the piss. You are fucking at work. And it's not the person you are in a relationship with.

You do realise everyone, in your office knows, don't you.

People always think that no one knows and they always do.

Stop framing this as 'I can't help pressing self distruct' you are making an active choice to do this. Everytime you do it, you are choosing to screw over your partner. And yourself.

DonkeyPlease · 20/09/2018 15:19

Op are you sleeping? What about eating?

Frazzledkate · 20/09/2018 15:32

Your urges to drive past work, throw 0hone away are actually pretty rational tbh. If you can't stop, cut it all out of your life. Go sick and look for something else. This isn't gonna end well if you stay.
You're his cheap little bit on the side.

Frazzledkate · 20/09/2018 15:33

It's called guilt what you're feeling. At least that means you're a semi decent person.

Emmageddon · 20/09/2018 15:45

Tell your GP you're stressed and take time off work. Use that time to find another job and get a sexual health check. Then resign.

Adora10 · 20/09/2018 16:18

You will probably lose your husband and your job, and all for cheap thrills, you say no feelings are involved, to me that sounds even more incredibly selfish.

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