How do you breakthrough when being stonewalled, is it possible??

[Bestlife18]

This is one of my first few posts but need some answers from people who have been there.
Basically, my husband left in July. We had been married for 3 years and it was largely up and down. He had a dysfunctional upbringing and every time we argued, rather than face things, he rang away, text me saying “I’m never coming back, etc etc” and then reappeared a few days later! We never got any resolution on any arguments because he always ran away. Then, we have two children at home too so they took priority over our own relationship. I acknowledge my part in our demise. He had been sleeping downstairs for ages because he snores like a pig and I couldn’t sleep. This has no doubt been one of the major causes for our issues and I have apologised profusely afterwards.

So - we had another massive row in July, where he started to get very angry and scary. Off he went and I vowed that was the last time. As did he. He turned up a few days later to find his bags packed which sent him into shock, I genuinely think he was coming back.
So, long story short - he has finally got himself a flat, has moved out but point blank refuses to talk to me about anything. I feel like I owe it to my kids to at least see what counselling could do for us. I had a first session with relate, I have told him and offered that he could see the lady on his own too. I will carry on with them if nothing else but to help me accept and move forward as I am stuck in this terrible place where I am obsessing over him 24/7. I have tried to break his stonewalling by writing him a huge letter of apology (handwritten) addressing all of my own issues. I did get a text back from him saying he didn’t really know what to say, listed a load more issues of his own and that is it. He won’t come in the house when he picks kids up, says it is too painful, he looks so sad when he hands them back. Any tips for breaking through this or should I just bloody well try to walk away and have done with the whole thing??! It’s driving me crazy, can’t focus on anything, hence seeing relate.

He's really going to have to want to do this for himself or atleast realise himself that if he wants to try and get his family back together he needs to face his issues. It sounds like you've gone above and beyond trying to help him (and your marriage)

You have done what you can.
Just try to co-parent as well as possible.
Only discuss access, kids pick up and drop offs etc.....
Not more taking the blame for all of this.
HE is the one who kept running away like a spoiled child who didn't get his own way.
He was not grown up enough to tackle things like an adult.
That is HIS issue - not yours!
You put up with it all for long enough.
Let him be a man-child.
Until he starts to grow up there is nothing you can do.
Enjoy your life without his snoring and unpredictability and live for you and your DC.
You cannot fix this on your own. Stop trying.

Hi OP So sorry you are going through this situation.

His behaviour is abusive all of it! He is abusive!

It is "crazy making" behaviour and it is a form of emotional abuse.
At the moment he has got you where he wants you, driven crazy and unable to cope. He has you begging for forgiveness for what?!!...you have done nothing wrong apart from having the audacity(in his mind) to call him out on his behaviour and each time he has left you.

You can spend years with someone like this trying work out which way is up with them.
The problem is that if you carry on allowing him to be so emotionally abusive towards you, your self esteem hits rock bottom and then you become stuck in the cycle of emotional abuse with him and it is extremely difficult to get out.

Some people never recover from this type of extreme emotional abuse and if they do it takes years.
His actions are all about him, everyone else is to blame.
The chances of him attending counselling are very slim. Abusers very rarely see themselves at fault.

Your other option is to end it now and use what little emotional strength you have left to make yourself and your children your number one priority and get your life back.

Going as low contact as possible with him is the only way to cut ties.

Read the book by Lundy Bancroft..."Why Does He Do That?"
Also have a look at the Freedom Programme.

I'm not quite sure what it is you're apologising for...? He sounds like an abusive, controlling, manipulative pain in the arse. You've obviously tried and he keeps running away... throwing it back at you.

You don't 'owe it to the children' to keep banging your head against a brick wall. You owe it to them to be happy and have a happy home life, not being subjected to arguments and storming off and never knowing if their Dad is going to be there or not. Must be really unsettling for them.

Suggest you forget the counselling and hire a solicitor instead. Good luck.

You are all absolutely right and in my logical mind I know this! I read the Lundy Bancroft book straight after he left. It gave me great strength during the first few weeks and kept me sane. Think I should re-read it. I wonder if it’s a bit like having a baby, you forget all the awful bits of labour! I seem to have rose coloured glasses all of the pathetic behaviour he used towards us. I could scream at myself because I am well educated, have a very responsible job and two wonderful healthy children. Yet, my mind has been possessed by this man. Thank you all so much - It’s the reassurances I need to get me back on track - and read Lundy’s book again!!

' Avoidant Attachment'? Yeah this is hard to live with. Does he compartmentalise? He could address his issues but I think he might find this too hard and will just run away. I don't think you can do anything about this other than keep strong for you and the dc. You might find he ignores your texts, phone calls etc but please don't take this personally 💐

Yep I think that because of his background this is how he deals with things, cuts people off rather than have difficult issues dealt with. So frustrating - I honestly think he has no idea that his behaviour has become emotionally abusive

Rage? Did he clench his teeth and his fists during heated exchanges?

Oh yes very much so and in the last very heated exchange which led to the leaving the home for last time, went literally purple

Also read Codependent No More - It's based on living with an alcoholic but also applies to other types of abusive behaviour, how it affects you and how complex it becomes to put yourself first.

I'm not sure why you'd want to break through to him. You'd just waste more years of your one short life walking on eggshells with this manipulator. Use the counselling to move on and don't look back. If he's sad, good, maybe he'll reflect on his behaviour and work on it but I'd suggest it's too little too late for you now.

I’m two years from this situation. I have the relationship with STBXH I want, not what stonewalling creates - repression, bitterness and shame. I

I say what I want/need to say/do because in that way I am recovering the person I am, not the person a repressive stonewalling relationship turned me into.

I feel empowered in the main because by doing/saying what is natural and rational to me has meant I have faced up to the rejection that stonewalling creates. I feel like a warrior as a result and I am reclaiming my pride.

Continuing to communicate with STBXH whilst fully aware of his ‘disability’ feels very empowering. I can express the love that brought us together, accept what drove us apart, foregive myself for my reactions that have been hurtful because I felt hurt and rejected. It feels to actually to assume a position of strength. I can still love him regardless but not be emeshed in the misery of a stonewalling relationship. 🌈🌹

Thank you ladies. I just hate the way it’s making me feel. The constant anxiety, waking up with that SOAB being first thing on my mind. Is it true that time is the healer? Yes - I agree and after a long night with colleagues last night, I think I will focus the counselling on helping me, not worrying about him. He’s had four years, I need to work on making sure he has no more x

My father was a bit like this. He struggled to form emotional attachments. I also think it was to do with his childhood. He never told me much but his parents lived abroad and he boarded in the UK from the age of 6, seeing his parents twice a year. And we all know what boarding schools were like in the 50s and 60s!

BUT ultimately it was his choice to either face up to how damaged he was and try to fix it, or detach and run. You can explain your deficiencies by your past but you can't let it always define you. Your DP needs to front up and work at fixing himself or you need to cut him loose. Otherwise he'll just drag you down.

My user name says it all, been here, you are being played by the man with martyrdom syndrome, he plays the victim card to a t, I'd bet my last pound his dysfunctional childhood wasn't nearly as bad or as mentally scarring as he professes.

Your struggling for a voice, I bet you've looked into many ways to communicate with him, he doesn't listen to you verbally, so you text, he doesn't reply them so you write, ok you had a reply to that but it solved nothing.
He's controlling you, its all an act my dear, he looks so sad, but I'm sure he's doing absolutely nothing to solve that because he then gets your attention, you want to save him all this torment because your empathetic, but your torturing yourself..

Here's the deal, you won't get him out of your head for a long time, keep on with your therapy, you need it, not from a relationship aspect but you need to heal, you have been very very much abused, by the wolf in the lambs clothes

He's will have done this all his life, playing people, sullen when he didn't get his own way. I had a dysfunctional childhood and I can honestly say, mines sounds a terrible experience if I tell anyone but the reality was I wasn't really hurt by it at the time as children don't tent to really dwell on stuff, some people use a good story to reel people into saving them x

This could literally describe what I have been doing. I did indeed decide to send him a letter - an actually hand written one that took ages! In the Lundy Bancroft book, he recommends seeking out their ex partner. Part of me very much wants to do this if nothing else but to verify that he did the same to her. Apparently she suffered from depression, had an affair, ripped him off etc etc. In hindsight, I bought it all and again felt sorry for this “kind and wonderful man” but in reality, I bet she had it for far more years than me, she had no job or independence and snapped!

I am a stonewaller - not long have a come to learn this and accept that is it a form of emotional abuse. I did have a dysfunctional childhood and believe this was my form of "protection" from as far back as i remember. I have been dealing with negative emotions like this for a least 30 years.

I have always thought that this form of "protection" made me a strong person and have seen it as a strength of mine. However, i have since come to understand how much this hurts my partner. Its going to be hard for me to retrain my mind to deal with things in a completely different, unnatural way but i am at the very least going to TRY to change my reactions.

He will only change if he will accept what his behaviour is and realise that it is in fact emotional abuse and want to change.

Thank you for sharing - can I just ask what was your catalyst for wanting to change?

I have been with my partner for 2 years..engaged but we don't live together. Every few months we have a huge argument that ALWAYS ends up a much bigger deal then its should and totally out of control. I will ignore him for days/weeks even because i don't want to deal what the argument has become and so i just block it all out, put my emotions in box and get on with life as if nothing happened. This obviously makes my DP think that i don't care and actually that i don't love him, which couldn't be further from the truth.
I believed i showed him i love him by doing all the lovely practical things i do for him but he pointed out that whilst i am faultless at those things the core relationship things that are important to him i show nothing. In the two years not ONCE did i ever bring up the conversation to move in together, talk about our future or have i brought up our engagement since i said YES... EVERY time was instigated by him. At no point in two years have i ever really tried to repair our arguments i just leave it all to him.
Following our latest blow out he has explained (without blame or talking AT me) to me how my actions affect our him and our relationship. I said noting whilst he was explaining and i just listened and for whatever reason i now UNDERSTAND. I do not want him to feel i don't love nor care for him so i have no choice but to change how i react if i want to move forward in this relationship or any relationship for that matter. I UNDERSTAND that its emotional abuse and it hurts that I have inflicted it on someone I love.

Thanks for being so honest - really interesting to see the other side too. I just find it so hard to understand the compartmentalising part because these things consume me and are all I can think about whereas my ex used to do the same and carry on as normal! Thank you ..

I don't really understand it myself to be fair and i have only just come to understand the effects this week.

Looking back at my childhood i think it was a coping mechanism i was taught or i taught myself to deal with some pretty traumatic things. I have blocked out most of my childhood and when i talk about it to friend or family it comes across as "just" something that happened to me and it was no big deal rather than a traumatic event that it was if that makes sense.

I'm by no means excusing my behaviour just trying to understand why i compartmentalise my feelings/emotions. I think it just boils down to the fact that its because its the only way i know how and therefore the easiest way to deal with things.

Things will not change over night and i have a long way to go to adapt my behaviour but i'm hoping my DP will understand where this behaviour comes from and support me and be patient in trying to find a different way to deal with things.

Unless your DP is willing to see his behaviour is wrong then you have no hope in supporting him changing it as he is the only one who can.

OP it is very interesting to see the other side, whatwillbewillbe03 it will be a good thread for you also, it will certainly give you insight as to how awful stonewalling is.
Like OP I had this happen to me, it feels like a punishment, you can't upset or voice your opinions for fear of upset, my Exh would stone wall for months, I accepted that he couldn't possibly love me, if he couldn't even utter a word to me.
As someone who is a communicator, we don't realise were loved, we feel despised, this is where the actions don't meet the words situation, it's heart breaking that families are torn apart by this emotional abuse.
I admire you for seeing how detrimental this behaviour is on your partner

It robs you of any chance of getting any closure or the ability to deal with things. It just escalated for me and causes me to feel super anxious and completely consumes me. When I see the counsellor next I want to ask for help in managing my reactions. I figure if I can manage my reactions, it will lessen his grip and control over me

Bestlife 18 you have to lay down some boundaries, iv only just done this and if been separated for 4 years, if my Exh decides to stone wall now, I totally ignore him back, go grey rock, don't even ask what's wrong, soon gets the picture that I'm not tolerating the childlike behaviour anymore.
Try a routine, stick with it, be firm but fair, i have started that he stays in the car at pick up time, I used to have to take 2 vallium just to see him at my door, I don't love him anymore but he has an ability to make me anxious and uneasy so as little contact as possible.
Take care, rough ride ahead but it gets easier, abuse always takes ages to recover from

Yep mine just text about having my son this weekend and know exactly what you mean about the anxiousness. I have just asked for his address as it’s the first overnight so I am waiting for that to be another cause of crap!