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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I ask some questions re Erectile dysfunction?

29 replies

Gettingolderbutnotwiser · 19/09/2018 17:03

Finally got dh to just about to admit there 'may' be a problem in that area! Mid 40's been together for nearly twenty years, also had a good sex life, but for the last year it has dwindled to next to nothing and only if I instigated it. So, I laid off and nothing for 8 weeks and when we did do it he could finish, bcause it had gone soft!

In my mind this meant he must have been having a affair. I had a breakdown ( I had spoken to him , a few times before, but he kept saying nothing wrong, doesn't know what I am talking about etc).
Anyway,he swears that he is not and would not ever. He says that he fancies me as much as he did in the early days and his stupid body id failing him. Later that day he booked for a blood test after I told him about testosterone levels droping.

So getting back to my question. I don't know what to do now? I want to help and understand ? Is it ok to ask him about it ( would love a mans opinion on this), or does it make it worse- would it then be on his mind and be a self fulfilling thing? Do I intitate anything or is that pressure ? If it happens during sex- how should I react? I do not want to feel a failure.
Sorry it has gone a bit, thanks for reading if you have got to the end.

OP posts:

PolkaDoting · 19/09/2018 17:20

I am sure it is on his mind regardless.

A lot of these sound like questions you could ask him.

Original poster

Gettingolderbutnotwiser · 19/09/2018 17:24

I know you are right, but I feel I am walking on tentative eggshells and don't want to make it worse for him, but going on and on about it. It was hard enough to get him to talk the little he has done, but now I have a load of questions.

OP posts:

Isitovernow · 19/09/2018 17:38

@Gettingolderbutnotwiser

I understand completely. My husband has this exact problem. He can achieve an erection but often, not always can't maintain it. He has one position in which he can maintain it. We haven't had sex in ages but when we did, it really felt like a chore and it was all about his penis! I felt a little like Charlotte in Sex and the City...

Anyhow, to answer your questions, if your DH is accepting there's a problem and going to the doctor, that's fantastic! That really is. Mine never got that far. I think the best thing for you both is to maybe take penetrative sex off the table for a while? Focus on oral, petting, kissing....myself and my husband are essentially breaking up so I can't relate entirely but if were still being loving, that's what I'd do.

I think by focusing too much on it, you could increase his anxiety levels. The important thing is that he realises there's a problem and he's happy to do something about it.

DrMorbius · 19/09/2018 17:39

Not just a blood test Op, get him to go to the doctor. It could be any one of a number of things. Most are easy to deal with. Talk to him about it, it affects you both. BTW I'm male.

Isitovernow · 19/09/2018 17:40

..as for not feeling like a failure, it really doesn't have anything to do with you...ED is a condition. My H had it with his ex as well. It may have just started a bit later in life for your H.

Also, I don't think you should avoid the topic to the point of suppressing your own emotions but just try not to focus too much on it. x

ovendoor · 19/09/2018 17:41

Echo others. It could be a sign of an underlying health issue.
It sounds stressful for both of you though, hope you get an answer soon.

Scott72 · 19/09/2018 17:43

"In my mind this meant he must have been having a affair. "

If he had a good libido and was healthy, having an affair would not stop him from having a decent sex life with you. Not that I think he is having an affair, even going by from little you've said.

Either his libido has dropped or he's having physical problems inhibiting his erectile ability. Libido is more likely at his age, and there could be many reasons for this. But in all probability it has nothing to do with you.

somethingthatworks · 19/09/2018 17:43

Hi there.

We are in the exact same position. We have had sex once, in the past 7 weeks. Had MANY talks about it, and quite frankly it's driving me nuts, as my sex drive is high.

My DH has booked in for a Testosterone test (next week), and will hope to get the injections (Nebido), if it's low. I bloody well hope it is low, or I won't know what our next step is.

Like you, my DH says he still fancies me, just that his libido is very low. After much talking, he (finally) bought some Viagra Connect from Boots (you can order on-line, so no embarrassment). He used it for the first time last night, and let's just say, it was, ahem, successful. We both feel so much better today, about it all.

With my DH, it's definitely a self fulfilling prophecy (going soft), because we always start well, and then he panics that he's going to lose his erection, and then of course....he does. This has (I think) turned him off trying to have sex, for fear of failure. Today (after last night), that fear seems to have lifted, so I'm hoping that with Viagra and the Injections, we can get things back on track. Because everything else is so good, it's just this little thing that's blighting us at the moment!!

We are 45 (him) & 48 (me) btw, so same age range ish.

DrMorbius · 19/09/2018 17:43

Sorry @Isitovernow I think the best thing for you both is to maybe take penetrative sex off the table for a while? Is not the answer, if the problem is physical. Perhaps it's just high blood pressure. No amount of non penetrative sex will cure that.

BrokenFlipflop · 19/09/2018 17:44

Can I ask why you decided that the ED was due to him having an affair? I'm genuinely surprised that it was the conclusion you came to without any other indicators.

Now he's been to see a GP I would simply try and support him. Surely it's more likely to be health/age related than a sign of an affair? I would try and simply listen to him when he does talk rather than bombarding him with questions. He's likely to clam up.

somethingthatworks · 19/09/2018 17:44

I should have also said, that he buried is head in the sand somewhat, and I had to push him a lot, to get a GP appointment. Basically, had to lay it on the line, that our marriage would be in trouble, if we didn't get this sorted!

Isitovernow · 19/09/2018 18:23

@DrMorbius

I think there is more than one 'answer' and I think having lots of fun with different kinds of sex is part of the answer but obviously it's important to also get to the root of it all.

Good luck OP.

LoisSanger · 19/09/2018 18:45

My DH has erectile distinction. Has always been there from what I can tell (I’ve known him 6 years and we’re in our mid 40s).

Had some times where he would only get an erection with one of us playing with him and there was no hope of anything else. I felt like there was no point in trying as I just got very frustrated.

He went to see the doctor and got viagra. I read about it - basically it only works if you are turned on and stops the blood flowing out again. The first time we used it was incredible - many positions and an erection that stayed .

He now gets viagra which is a one use type thing and another one called something like callis Although think it’s spelled a different way that lasts for 3 days so is better for a bit more spontaneity. It does give him a bit of heartburn but that is OK.

Has made both of us feel much better - there is a bit of planning but means we can both have enjoyable sex again.

Original poster

Gettingolderbutnotwiser · 19/09/2018 19:07

Thank you all so much for the replies.
BrokenFlipFlop , (sorry don't know how you do the linky thing.). In my brain ,which does tend to go from 0 to 100.
A relationship is two people, one says that they want to do it, but never gets round to it. I always say actions speak louder than words. So if we were not having sex any more. The reasons could be three things,
1,He does not want me anymore, but loves me like a friend ( he is always very loving) and can't tell me.

He is having an affair, getting it elsewhere so not bothered with me, because I simply don't excite him.

or 3. Something else ( maybe physical) and because when I spoke to him before, he would always say that nothing was wrong and he didn't know what I was talking about ( so I though hmm maybe he is gaslighting me, you just read so much of it on here).

OP posts:

Original poster

Gettingolderbutnotwiser · 19/09/2018 19:11

Also, I would like to know the best way to handle it ( no puns intended) when, if happens again during sex. Would be ok to say no problem, but can you carry on with me ? Is that really selfish, if he is not getting anything from it , would it be even more frustrating for him? We normally just stop, but I have to be honest I don't want to

OP posts:

Original poster

Gettingolderbutnotwiser · 19/09/2018 19:14

I mentioned the blood test , as it a good place to start and the doc said to come in and see them no matter what the result, so hopefully they can go into if fully then.

OP posts:

MemorialBeach · 19/09/2018 19:49

If it happens again it may well be worth carrying on with both of you. It is actually possible for a man to ejaculate and orgasm without having an erection. What I don't know is whether it is possible for all men or just some - might be worth trying to find out?

LexieLulu · 19/09/2018 19:54

When I went to the doctors recently about anxiety and insomnia they prescribed me a anti depressant.

I was a bit unsure of whether I would want to be prescribed this, but the dr told me they use it to treat a range of things, one being erectile dysfunction. I'm on sertraline, it might be worth a discussion with dr

Oblomov18 · 19/09/2018 20:03

I too thought it was off you initially thought affair. Now you've explained how your personality instantly goes from 1 to 100, that makes more sense.

ThePawPatrolMistress · 19/09/2018 23:27

He has taken an initial step to deal with this so go gently . I know from my partner's experience that there is nothing worse than a woman starting to make this all about herself . It is not about you . It is about his confidence and yes maybe taking a Viagra if there is a medical issue . Using a cock ring can be a good idea too but the best thing is your own handling of this - making him feel loved and secure in your relationship which may not include penetrative sex on every occasion . My partner has ED and we have a very successful sex life . He has medical reasons for it but has performed even when out of the Viagra window . Go figure . By the way I am NOT saying that your own needs and wants are not relevant here . What I am saying is that with the correct handling your needs and wants will be satisfied .

OldGreyBadger · 20/09/2018 00:06

I have had a few episodes of ED from my 20s on - most men do. It is about 90% psychological. The thing that really DID NOT help was my DW thinking it was all about her. It wasn't. And it certainly wasn't because I was having an affair (where is the logic in that?)
I found that Cialis (prescribed privately by my GP) was a great help in sustaining an erection (yes, I did need to feel attracted/stimulated beforehand, but I was with my DW who fulfills both those criteria) and it gave me back my confidence. As a byproduct, my ability to sustain an erection lasted a long time, so sex the "morning after the night before" was on the menu.

Stillme1 · 20/09/2018 00:30

For your own sake don't make this all about him.
I have an ex who had ED. Injections and Viagra did not do much. If your DH loses his erection during sex and you are just expected to stop and accept that you thought sex was happening tonight but suddenly it is not through no fault of your own, that is not very fair. I would think better of him if he completed what he started even if it is in another way. Unfortunately Ex thought it was all about him and I was just incidental in proceedings. He never once thought how this all affected me. This is not why I divorced him but it may have lead to his insecurities and constant monitoring of me which did lead to the divorce.
That was some years ago. I am now with DP who is older than Ex was at that time but there does not seem to be any problem. He is considerate and understanding so if ever a day came that ED happened again I think he would be less selfish and more giving.
Hope you get this problem sorted out.

H8Red · 20/09/2018 00:38

OP sounding a little selfish and all about your wants and needs. This happens to most men at some point in their lives. Have a heart.

It is extremely harrowing and embarrassing. Most men do not want to talk about it. To their friends, their family, their doctor, certainly not their wife!

It certainly does not mean your OH is having an affair. We all know by now a males sexual peak is 15-25 and a woman's is like 35-60!

Your husband loves you and wants to make you happy.
You love your husband and want to make him happy.

Now imagine something happens with age that you feel you cannot make him happy anymore and he won't love you anymore because of it.

That's essentially what your saying. There are pills to be had at the GP's and you can both get back to being happy and in love.

Scott72 · 20/09/2018 02:57

Gettingolderbutnotwiser you have some misconceptions about how the average male sex drive works. Provided he had a decent libido and was physically functional he'd probably still want to have sex, even if his desire for you had waned. Even if he were cheating (which he probably isn't).

There's a couple of possibilities. Firstly he is having cardiovascular problems which makes it harder to get an erection. Secondly his libido has dropped, which has led to him having these erection problems, which in turn has led to nervousness only making it worse. Its not you, its him. Even if he was with another woman he'd have the same problems.

bitheby · 20/09/2018 03:31

My partner has ED but we have a great sex life. I'm reassuring if he loses his erection because it genuinely doesn't matter for me. He is able to give me a huge amount of pleasure in other ways. I feel mostly disappointed for him and I know it affects his confidence and self esteem. We always carry on and make sure that we both are satisfied. Again, there are other things that can be pleasurable and we're experimenting with different things to see what helps.

I haven't broached the GP question but I doubt he'd go. I have been researching Viagra Connect online and it might be a conversation that I initiate at some point. Our relationship is around 18 months old.

It isn't anything to do with me. Before we ever slept together he forlornly told me, "it doesn't work" but it can and it does and we need to be creative and sensitive about how we 'handle' it!

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