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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help! Marriage suddenly seems to be in the rocks

52 replies

Onthemovemum · 19/09/2018 14:02

I'm new on here and could really use some advice. My husband and I have a wonderful 15 month old daughter. She has been amazing and made being first time parents pretty easy. We coslept for the first 13 months as it felt like the best solution for us but over the last few months have gradually moved her into a cot and into her own room whilst also reducing night feeds. This coincided with the sudden appearance of teeth including molars and so needless to say I've had very little sleep over the last eight weeks, sometimes getting up as many as 8-9 times a night. Last night however was a dream and she slept through from 7pm to 7am with just one small wake up at 1:30am. So what's the problem? Literally two nights ago my husband pretty much said he is only staying because of our daughter, he thinks we are incompatible, have nothing in common and he thinks I am not passionate enough about anything. This has all been a major shock and I was stunned, we have rows like other couples but I thought we were the type of couple to weather any problem. I said I thought we were just going through a bad patch and tried to explained that maybe I had been snappy and unreasonable recently due to lack of sleep but he just laughed and said that wasn't the issue. Since our daughter has been born he has said many times he dare not make a decision as it is bound to be wrong and when he describes how he sees me it isn't a person I recognise. I genuinely don't know if I've had a personality transplant and become awful or if for some reason he is feeling like I have changed. He said I was a great mum and a housewife but we are 'stuck' because of our daughter and he is just going to keep his head down and get through the next 18 years. The last few days have been terrible, he won't discuss anything, if I say anything he snaps at me and I literally can not breath without it being wrong. I can't imagine lasting another week let alone 18 years and can't see how he doesn't want to discuss anything. I don't know what to do, my daughters amazing smiling face keeps looking at me and I feel like I'm letting her down. I don't know what has gone wrong and I don't have anyone to talk to. Has anyone else's husband suddenly seemed to not be able to stand being in he same room as them? I know a baby puts a strain on a relationship but I thought we'd be fine. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2018 14:09

I would be looking closely for an OW, because your husband has the script down pat.

MawkishTwaddle · 19/09/2018 14:11

Yes. Cherchez la femme.

You poor thing. You sound really, really nice.

He's behaving very poorly, I think.

HeresMeh · 19/09/2018 14:11

Sorry but I do agree with @Aquamarine1029 ☹️

Also, why on earth would you allow anyone to talk you like that and say he's going to 'keep his head down for the next 18years' - take the decision out of his hands!

So sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a total arse.

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 19/09/2018 14:12

I'm really sorry my love but this is textbook affair script.

Before you waste loads of time and emotional energy trying to 'change' for him, start looking for an OW. I bet you find one.

And for him to say he's just going to get through the next 18 years is unbelievably cruel and shitty. He said it to wrong foot you and I bet you are now feeling heartbroken and like you need to fix it, rather than the righteous anger you should be feeling in response to him being such a cunt.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 19/09/2018 14:13

Not passionate enough is man's speak for not shagging him enough.
Maybe someone is though....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2018 14:17

I would now start digging as there is likely to be another woman on the scene here. I would also ask him to leave because you need time and space away from him.

His comment re keeping his head down for the next 18 years is an undeniably awful thing to say and for that alone I would ask him to leave. Do not let him make that decision for you (it will also do your child no favours at all to grow up knowing that her parents were only together anyway because of her. Its a terrible burden to place upon a child and also goes to show how selfish he is).

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 19/09/2018 14:20

for that alone I would ask him to leave

I agree. He just told you he's only with you under sufferance for your DD.

You can't let him get away with saying something like that. If you don't tell him to fuck off, he's basically got the green light from you to treat him like shit. You can't stay with him now he's said that. How can you?

Doingreat · 19/09/2018 14:24

Tell him to eff off and that you won't tolerate him for another 18 hours let alone 18 years. Who does he think he is to treat you with such contempt? Affair or not relationships can end but he is being a disrespectful shit. He can choose to work through things with you or leave amicably. But him snapping at you and being nasty is bordering on abuse.

And yes, there will be another women waiting in the wings...

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 19/09/2018 14:25

What an arse. How dare he! Tell him to go, do not put up with someone who is says he will "put his head down for the next 18 years". You're worth more. So is your little girl.

Adora10 · 19/09/2018 14:26

Unbelievable, drops a bombshell but expects you to carry on without any discussion, tell him to fuck off out the house if that's how he feels, he has some nerve putting that on you when you are probably the sole carer of your child; get rid of him, he sounds spineless and obviously has OW or is wanting to pursue OWomen, fucken mad on your behalf, you've done nothing wrong, it's all him!

Doingreat · 19/09/2018 14:29

Op you need to read this thread by a woman whose husband told her 6 months (6 months!!) ago that he doesn't love her any more but won't move out.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3368141-He-doesnt-know-if-he-loves-me-anymore

bluebell34567 · 19/09/2018 14:33

would he go to relate counsellor with you?
does he have other stress, like job stress?

Pinkmonkeybird · 19/09/2018 14:40

'keep his head down for the next 18 years' What a complete twat!

I'd be asking him to leave now.

PaleRider1 · 19/09/2018 14:45

Could be wrong, but screams OW on the scene

He will deny it of course

HappyintheHills · 19/09/2018 14:47

I think he’s hoping you’ll tell him to fuck off so that he can fall in to OW’s arms.
You will be doing yourself and DD a favour asking him to leave, and never come back.

adviceonthepox · 19/09/2018 14:51

If he doesn't love you anymore why would he stay around? He doesn't sound like he even likes you very much and that is a usual sign of OW. He will be horrible to you to justify his behaviour. He will blame you for everything to justify his own behaviour. He will act the martyr to justify his behaviour. I've been where you are now and I did the but I love you and I'll try to change dance and it didn't work. 3 years of being lied to numerous arguments that were never my fault and never being allowed to defend myself from any accusation of unreasonable behaviour that was non existent. All of this led to the discovery of lies and more lies, dating profiles, debts and deceit. I wish I had listened to my gut in the beginning instead of doubting myself and believing that his side of the story was the true version and that I was awful.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/09/2018 14:53

I think you should ask him to leave. Sounds unbearable. Do you really want 18 years of this? Also agree with other posters about an OW.

Also sounds like you're doing all the parenting for your DD anyway.

Sorry.

0ccamsRazor · 19/09/2018 14:57

Take control of this Op.

He doesn't love or respect you, what is the point of him?

Do you think that the replies to your thread could be correct and that there is an ow in his life?

Trinity66 · 19/09/2018 14:59

So sorry you've been treated so badly OP. I agree with everyone in this thread, most strongly about how he's spoken to you, how cruel and disrespectful that he was. It does seem like an other woman type thing but either way, don't you dare allow yourself to be treated that way. Tell him, he may be happy to "put his head down" for 18 years but you are not and tell him to fuck off

Original poster

Onthemovemum · 19/09/2018 17:54

Thank you for all the messages, none of its what I wanted to hear but it's nice to know there are people out there taking the time to reply. I looked at the other thread linked and a reply on there was a little worrying. The woman said she thought her partner had been in the 5% who were totally trustworthy and that's how I feel about my other half. She was wrong so I can only hope I'm not

It's not completely black and white, my other half has a very stressful job and is away a lot (but trust me he has no time to cheat whilst away!). He admitted to feeling very excluded for the first year our daughter was here and that he missed a lot by being away. He is an incredible dad, he is involved in everything and you can see in his face he adores his little girl. His recent behaviour is so out of character that I have wondered if he is depressed. He lost his mum fairly recently and hasn't had a chance to deal with that yet. I know it all sounds like excuses and I'm in denial and you may all be right but if it is an OW then it's more likely just someone he has met who makes me look dull , boring and mumsey in comparison. I doubt anything has happened but that's not to say it won't or that it's not a problem.

His words have totally devastated me and whatever the reason we have a big problem but our daughter would be so much better off with both of us in her life. The change around is so sudden I can't see that it's totally irreversible or genuine. Does ANYONE have a positive story or suggestions other than kick him out?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2018 18:25

This is awful op, and I'm very sorry, but it is nearly impossible to find something positive in all this. According to you, he claims that almost everything about you is "wrong." Your personality, the way you do things, your lack of "passion", whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean. Now to top it all off, he is blaming YOUR CHILD for making him feel "left out." So now he says he'll just trudge through the next 18 years of living hell being with you so the family remains intact. How CHARMING.

Fuck him, fuck his pathetic man-child pity party, and fuck being married to a man who clearly thinks so little of you. Show your daughter you're worth more than that.

Original poster

Onthemovemum · 19/09/2018 18:34

Ok maybe I worded that wrong, my other half doesn't blame our daughter or me for feeling like he is missing out. He has just said he hates being away from home so much as he feels like he is missing out on so much and wants to spend more time with her.

As for what's wrong with me apparently it's my 'tone of voice' I sound patronising and argumentative. May be I am but I'm knackered so can hardly string a sentence together sometimes so just feel there should be more understanding. As for the passion, it's not about passion in our relationship (or lack of) it's apparently my lack of passion for anything! He is very passionate about his job and hobby and can't undestand why I'm not so obsessed about something / anything in the same way. I've tried to explain we all have different personalities and I'm just quite a settled person who is content with what I have. I don't have any major drive to be the best at anything (except being the best mum). I enjoy loads of things I just am not completely crazy about doing something to an extreme level.

Good grief as I write this it all sounds so crazy....

OP posts:

Adora10 · 19/09/2018 18:37

Stop taking the blame for someone who's character is flawed beyond cruel; we all have tragedies in life, it doesn't make us say the most horrible things he has said to you, head down for the next 18 years; Jesus woman, wise up and tell him to GTF; he's humiliating you and taking pleasure in it, maybe if you show him you are not a push over he might actually show you a little respect but at the moment you are accepting his assasination of you, please don't allow it to continue.

Original poster

Onthemovemum · 19/09/2018 18:37

Aquamarine1029 'fuck this man-child pity party' reading that did make me chuckle and I thank you for your outrage on my behalf.

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 19/09/2018 18:38

I find it very telling that he is finding fault with you over something that’s actually not even an issue for him directly. Why should you not having a hobby bother him? It’s inexplicable and that makes me suspicious that it’s generic fault finding and therefore justifying an affair to himself

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