Help! Marriage suddenly seems to be in the rocks

[Onthemovemum]

I'm new on here and could really use some advice. My husband and I have a wonderful 15 month old daughter. She has been amazing and made being first time parents pretty easy. We coslept for the first 13 months as it felt like the best solution for us but over the last few months have gradually moved her into a cot and into her own room whilst also reducing night feeds. This coincided with the sudden appearance of teeth including molars and so needless to say I've had very little sleep over the last eight weeks, sometimes getting up as many as 8-9 times a night. Last night however was a dream and she slept through from 7pm to 7am with just one small wake up at 1:30am. So what's the problem? Literally two nights ago my husband pretty much said he is only staying because of our daughter, he thinks we are incompatible, have nothing in common and he thinks I am not passionate enough about anything. This has all been a major shock and I was stunned, we have rows like other couples but I thought we were the type of couple to weather any problem. I said I thought we were just going through a bad patch and tried to explained that maybe I had been snappy and unreasonable recently due to lack of sleep but he just laughed and said that wasn't the issue. Since our daughter has been born he has said many times he dare not make a decision as it is bound to be wrong and when he describes how he sees me it isn't a person I recognise. I genuinely don't know if I've had a personality transplant and become awful or if for some reason he is feeling like I have changed. He said I was a great mum and a housewife but we are 'stuck' because of our daughter and he is just going to keep his head down and get through the next 18 years. The last few days have been terrible, he won't discuss anything, if I say anything he snaps at me and I literally can not breath without it being wrong. I can't imagine lasting another week let alone 18 years and can't see how he doesn't want to discuss anything. I don't know what to do, my daughters amazing smiling face keeps looking at me and I feel like I'm letting her down. I don't know what has gone wrong and I don't have anyone to talk to. Has anyone else's husband suddenly seemed to not be able to stand being in he same room as them? I know a baby puts a strain on a relationship but I thought we'd be fine. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

So he works away and you have to be strong, caring for your home and your daughter on your own. Then that strength becomes a problem to him.

I'm with the PP who wouldn't have let him stay 18 minutes after saying that.

I have my doubts about how often "there is another woman" gets pulled out on here, but... There is another woman. I'm sorry.

There's a type of man who simply can't stand having a child being more of a focus and priority than he is. I suspect your H is one of them. Also, to put it bluntly, if he has time to sleep and eat when he works away, he has time to cheat.

I guess I should also clarify that if my OH genuinely feels the way he does I will not be hanging around 18 years. This all started literally two days ago and I'm struggling to get my head round it. I agree it wouldn't be good for our daughter or myself, I'm just still hoping there is the odd positive story out there....anyone with a happy ending....anyone.....or is it tumbleweed and all a horrible foregone conclusion?

I didn’t think my ExH had time to cheat either but he found it. Sorry OP, if he’s not cheating he is at least a massive dickhead.

There is always time to cheat if they want to badly enough.

Oh dear. He's following "The Script".

And you're going to bend over backwards doing the "pick me" dance.

Fuck knows why though. I wouldn't want a DH that thought of being married to me as something to get his head down and get through. That isn't love. It's cruelty.

I would never have described my OH as a massive dickhead before but the description does suit him right now. As for physically having an affair whilst working away that is a definite no for a couple of reasons...but it's not to say he hasn't hooked up online with someone new or an old friend online. It just seems so out of character, he has always been very open. I have the passcode to his phone, email and Facebook as he has always said he would never hide anything from me.

I appreciate the outrage but please don't imply I'm being weak and assume I will allow myself to be treated this way. It's all very new and I have a 15 month old daughter to consider. I guess I am probably just scrabbling for an answer that doesn't involve months of heartache and misery but if that needs to be the way forward then that's the way I will go.

I wouldn't even bother trying to figure out what you're doing wrong.

He's picking rows with you. Because then if you row he can feel less guilty about his affair. "Look what a bitch she is," he can think to himself. "No wonder I'm forced to go elsewhere for nice person affection."

So don't vex your head about trying to do the right thing by him because right now you can't.

OP he is following The Script of someone who is being unfaithful. My husband treated me like crap just like yours is doing. I told him outright I felt unloved and it did fuck all to change things. They do it to justify it to themselves and to pacify their guilt. If I were you I'd be doing some digging on that phone/Facebook you have access to. He probably thinks he can call your bluff by the fact you know his passwords so he's clearly trustworthy. I'm sorry to say it. Men who cheat 90% of the time become walking cliches in how they treat their partners. It's textbook.

Ugh another vote here for having had his ‘head turned’ even if not full affair. I’d have classed my exH as not even in top 5% but top 1% of trustworthy people. I never in a million years thought he would cheat, I was the world’s most secure wife. Except he did. When I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest (and post-fairly long and escalating emotional affair). But ok - even if not an affair - who the fuck thinks it’s ok to tell the mother of their young baby that she ‘has no passion’. Get a fucking grip - your passion has had to be keeping your baby alive and well and fed and loved, because, y’know, PARENTING. That’s what he should also be doing! As for his 18 years comment, followed by refusal to discuss - he can get to fuck. I would bet my bottom dollar that if you kicked him to touch he’d either come back distraught and suddenly be ready to behave like an adult, or a ‘brand new’ girlfriend would pop up on the scene within weeks. Be strong! You’re in shock. But you need to get this in hand. He ships out, unless he’s willing to discuss frankly and honestly so you can work through it properly, together. So sorry you’re going through this. Whether he says or goes - you CAN and WILL get through this my love x

Thank you calmandbright and to all you other ladies taking the time to reply. I honestly feel stronger and more motivated to have that difficult conversation.

With the hobby and him criticising you for lacking in passion, I bet the OW does his hobby. That's where I'd start looking first.

Also, has he recently returned from a trip away where this could have all kicked off?

So sorry you’re going through this OP

I’m afraid it does scream OW, either physical or emotional. I’m also afraid that if someone wants to have an affair they will ALWAYS find time and a way.

He dropped this bomb shell on you so he can exit stage left and test the waters with the OW without fully leaving the relationship. He’ll keep you hanging on and with one foot in the door in case he decides he doesn’t want to leave you and can move back in and carry on.

How dare he think he can say those horribly cruel things, shut down any discussion,and assume he'll be welcome for the next 18 years!! Also think he's had his head turned, and trying to dodge the guilt.

What will he do after 18 years????

I am thinking of the 'head turned' scenario here maybe rather than a full on OW. It sounds to me like some woman with a 'passion' has caught his eye - perhaps, as PlasticTat says, at his hobby - and suddenly all your hard work being a mum and doing everything else doesn't seem enough, because passion .

You're not being weak though by not immediately kicking him out. I don't like posts that criticise OPs for not doing this. It's only natural to be stunned and conflicted about things. Take your time but be cool and icy calm with him for now.

OP... While I am in no way approving of your dh nor laying blame at your feet, I will give maybe a different perspective.

From what you have said, I wonder how your reaction and behaviour towards your dh has affected how he feels?
He is beinf a nasty dickhead about it and fgs don't think this post is telling you to do all the changing.
However do you speak down to him?
Do you criticise everything he does, especially for your dd?
It's easy to fall into that trap, especially if your arw the main carer and he is away a lot.
We all know and see it... Women belittling their partners, oh he can't do it right, followed by resentment and learned help less Ness from men.

I was Truely awful to my dexh when Dd1 was little... Spoke to him either through gritted teeth or barely concealed contempt when he did anything, because I didn't think he was doing it to my standards.

It must be pretty awful for the partner on the receiving end of this, just as it is awful for you to now feel you can't do anything right.

What I am trying to say, without the wrath of mn on my head, is may be you both need to look at your behaviour and reactions and together find a way back to what was there.

I don't think one person is ever solely to blame (except in abuse cases), this sounds like typical adjustments to becoming parents and losing communication...

If you really can't talk then councelling may be way forward

So sorry OP but I'm another one who thinks OW. Funny how he married and had a child with you, but suddenly your lack of hobbies means you and he have nothing in common.

Start doing some serious snooping.

I don’t think they’re jas to be a OW.

We don’t know, only he does. But what he’s said to you is dreadful. He cannot drop a bombshell like he has then refuse to talk about it. He’s being cruel and nasty.

So if I were you, I’d tell him he either starts talking to you, either at home or with a counsellor, or he moves out, now.

*has

He's probably got his eye on another woman.

And he wants to be able to say you ended the marriage, not him.

See a solicitor asap.

theredjellybean I'm certain there is an element of that. Not intentionally but I'm sure sometimes my frustration or the 'that's not how we do it when you're not here' comments or tone probably do make him feel a bit inadequate at times. He is a really good dad though so I wouldn't say it was a common occurrence . It's hard and I'm hoping it is normal adjustment to parenting stuff but I think there's more going on in his head than that.

I sat down with him this evening to try and talk and to be fair to him he did open up a bit and apologise for his comments and being a mess. He can't explain any of it though and couldnt or wouldn't say how big an issue this is in his head. I've said he needs to think about what he wants as sticking our heads in the sand isn't going to work so let's see what happens next. He has assured me there is no OW and to be fair where we live and with his job I genuinely don't think there is. I think its internal demons that are not necessarily all connected to me but I'm not sure where that leaves us :(

Certainly think he's manipulating you into ending this relationship, maybe not OW yet but someone has turned his eye.. My exh done the same, turned everything that was good about me into something ugly, until I snapped, he hadnt OW but had a few lined up to greet him in his "victim" role he played so well.. I remember him practically skipping down the path , smiling the day he left and within half an hour was in floods of tears being consoled by one of his saviours he had reeled in.. all part of the show!

If it's depression, stress, anxiety or whatever then he firstly needs to admit he has an issue and then needs to seek help to deal with it and find a way forward.

If he does not wish to do this, then he can leave.

Those would be the only two choices I would give him and I wouldn't be giving him weeks to dither about it either.