Trying to conceive, told him i was Ovulating, he Choose to go to his mothers

[Chrystal1]

Been Married 16 years. He never initially wanted children as he always wanted to be successful first.

We eventually had IVF last year, which failed. And now we decided to try naturally again. Im 41 now, was testing for ovulation times etc.

His dad died 7 weeks ago. He's been staying the odd night at his mothers. However, this is not a first. Even when his dad was alive he would always put them 1st before us.

This particular day, whilst his dad was alive, in hospital, his mother had called him in the morning. That evening he said he was going to go stay at his mothers. I was ovulating, I didnt want to say anything as you are supposed to do the dance/deed naturally.

But now, that he was leaving, i had no choice but to say "i am ovulating" "I am ovulating". As had i not said anything he would have said, how was i supposed to have known otherwise.

He looked confused, cant even rembr what he said, and left for his mothers.

Since this time, i feel totally rejected by him. I feel that us, we, his family, mean nothing to him, i also think does he really want a family? Yes his words are "I want a family"..... yet i believe Actions speak louder than words.
Am i being selfish, unreasonable?

Thing is, i would bring up the children subject on a yearly basis, and each time he would agree with me, and say we would. However it was all lip service.

After 10 years i was ready for a Divorce, once again he begged me to stay, and all the rest.

Yes looking back i should have had the courage to say no, i should have left, but stigma, social stigma of divorce lack of confidence, being too naive, wanting to believe his words kept me from doing so. He is a nice guy otherwise.

I understand on this occasion, the timing was wrong. However, once i did inform him of ovulation, once them words had come out, i did Not expect to do the baby dance then. I would never have done it, and neither did i expect him to perform.

What i did expect from him though, is some comforting words, to say that we would try the next day, or even show some empathy care for us. To think That there's another chance missed. Even if that is being selfish on my part, that was the 1st time when in our 16 year relationship it came down to the bottom line. Ovulating = Family = Us.

He too understands "we are the future, we need to do what's best for us, as his parents have lived their lives", these are his words not mine.

Maybe men are not good at expressing their emotions/thoughts, however they certainly are when it comes to business or finances.

For me i certainly know what i want. Yes his father has died, but does that mean i should stop living?

Life does not stop, the show carries on. It just happened to be that way. He has always had his way, this incident stared me in the face, the reality of it all.

Yes that's the type of mother in law i have.

But i simply keep quiet around her, well do my best too, as in not to let on what we are doing, otherwise i know she will jeopardise it.

To the rest of the world she seems like an angel. Even though she is like that, i will on a regular basis take her food, attend family events with her, together.

I think you are taking this way out of context. He loves you, wants a family with you, but his mind isn't in the right place. Have you been affectionate with him? Are you supporting him? Imagine if you were going through the same thing and he announced before you were going out to see your recently bereaved widowed parent that he wants sex with you? How would you feel? I understand your sense of urgency, particularly after IVF but right now your marriage has hit a bump, your FIL has died and whether that was a good death or not it will be life changing for your husband who is likely feeling overwhelmed. Men aren't like women (sorry men if you're reading this), we are different and often they can only cope with one thing at a time. This will take time to heal from and to accept and you must be patient with him. I actually think it's really rather wonderful that his parents are so important to him - with respect, you are his future but his parents represent all that he is and where he has come from and they won't be around forever. Give him time, stop announcing you're ovulating, it's not the right moment.

Right now, how i feel, i dont want to have children with him. That's how i feel.

Yes his father has died, but does that mean i should stop living?

Omg really

I have always supported him in everything that he has done.

I was there for him and his family, during this time. I got a Thank you from his sisters for being overly supportive. Which was out of the blue.

I understand on this occasion, the timing was wrong

It sounds very much like he’s manipulated you and in admitting that, you’ve shown him more consideration than he’s ever shown you.

I’m sorry OP

I wouldn't want to DTD with a man who says whatever you want to hear but whose actions show he doesn't mean it but is just a ploy to shut you up, and keep you hoping.

I don't believe he is being selfish at the moment given his parents' needs, and he may need a couple of years to come to terms with the loss he's faced.

Then there's his mother who will, understandably, want to lean on him more than ever being recently bereaved.

It's just terrible timing that you have another agenda which is getting in the way of any sympathy you would ordinarily feel for him.

But recent timing aside, it was the early part of your married life where your chance of conceiving was the greatest.

If that boat has sailed for you, would you still want to stay with him?

Given that he and his mother might have inadvertently robbed you a chance at motherhood?

I think as after 10years you were ready to leave the mistake was you stayed. Look at it 6 years later you are in the exact same position but worse because its 6years more that you've spent wanting something different to him.
I would go separate ways. You cant beg someone for something like a child. In your own words his actions speak louder. 16years worth.

SilverLining10, what you said there, is so powerful

OP you can't stay. You don't have time.
The reality is you need to treat each day as the last day you can have children.

He could meet someone in a decade and get them pregnant. You do not have that luxury.

What do you want right now? If you do definitely without a doubt want to be a mother then you need to go now and actively make steps to do that.