Trying to conceive, told him i was Ovulating, he Choose to go to his mothers

[Chrystal1]

Been Married 16 years. He never initially wanted children as he always wanted to be successful first.

We eventually had IVF last year, which failed. And now we decided to try naturally again. Im 41 now, was testing for ovulation times etc.

His dad died 7 weeks ago. He's been staying the odd night at his mothers. However, this is not a first. Even when his dad was alive he would always put them 1st before us.

This particular day, whilst his dad was alive, in hospital, his mother had called him in the morning. That evening he said he was going to go stay at his mothers. I was ovulating, I didnt want to say anything as you are supposed to do the dance/deed naturally.

But now, that he was leaving, i had no choice but to say "i am ovulating" "I am ovulating". As had i not said anything he would have said, how was i supposed to have known otherwise.

He looked confused, cant even rembr what he said, and left for his mothers.

Since this time, i feel totally rejected by him. I feel that us, we, his family, mean nothing to him, i also think does he really want a family? Yes his words are "I want a family"..... yet i believe Actions speak louder than words.
Am i being selfish, unreasonable?

4 years ago, as he never wanted to have children until he was successful. So maybe i was the stupid one for sticking around... but i cared for him, i thought we had something .. once again maybe stupidity on my part

Can I ask what you mean by his mother always gets jealous ? Do you mean if the two of you are doing something she'll then phone him, suddenly need him for something and makes him feel like he has to go to her?

Would you have wanted your baby to be conceived that way? I understand the need, the NEED, you feel to get pregnant. However, TTC can be all consuming. Men don't get it or feel it (most of the time) and the pressure is a bit of a turn off.

Get used to not getting things your way at all for when kids finally do come along! There's time yet.

The fact that he's focussing on the will is a typical way to grieve for some people. Getting shit in order because dealing with feelings is too abstract and difficult. I bet he's more upset than you realise. It's going to manifest in strange ways... maybe in TTC. I say lay off the chap for a bit.

Yes agree, i was, desperate to get pregnant. To have a family, not to mention my age. So maybe i was being selfish only thinking about myself, however, as ive always put him and his family first, but this time i thought no, im ovulating and that's it.

The current situation, he still wants to try, he would like a family. However i now feel, does he really want this. Is he telling the truth? Or, if i was ovulating tomorrow, and his mum called, would he leave me, (reject me, in my head) and go. How seriously does he really want this family?

Every single time she has seen us together, ie we have gone out food shopping, we are shopping for a family wedding, when she hears of this, the very next day she will call him, make a story up, ie, "i needed milk and your father hasnt taken me, is this the way to live a life, is this what i deserve, i have done this this and this all my life, for him not to even take me to the shop when i need milk". She at times will cry. He then will go to his mums. When she has not seen us for some time ie 2 3 weeks, it is all quiet and peaceful.

Now, i mostly dont say much around her, i am quiet, and careful of what i say. I will go, do my part and leave nicely.

I have never confronted her, although my husband has and she did not like that. As i believe she is what she is and she cannot change her feelings.

I agree that it probably felt like a rejection of you but I really don't think it was. Perhaps you need to have a conversation with him about TTC and just make sure his feelings haven't changed.

Obviously with all the legal stuff he will be distracted, so you could compromise and decided to start seriously trying again in a month or so?

Maybe you should agree to tell him when you're ovulating. He may prefer not to do this, but it does seem unreasonable if he has arranged to go see someone to cancel at the last minute (or be very late, depending). If he had known before, he might never have agreed to go over (as you say it wasn't mega urgent)?

You haven't actually said what happened this time (or maybe I have misunderstood your post) so it's hard to comment on the more recent thing.

Does he want to try and get the money together for another round of IVF?

It sounds like really tough timing. Seems normal he isn't eating to go re conceiving at a time like this, but it's clearly imperative with regard to your timeline

Raring to go not eating!!

I think it's crazy that you've been married so long and are just recently TTC.

You've risked not being able to have a child until you're facing fertility issues...when you could have been a young mum.

That's the real problem...you've left it late.

He won’t consider your feelings and needs, you won’t consider his.

Why are you together?

It wasnt urgent that he had to go. As the very next day he was on a night shift, and his mum was alright to be by herself.

Since that time, i dont want to tell him whether i am ovulating or not, as i believe and feel having a family is not important to him, and never has been.
I understand it is his choice to have sex or not, however at that time, he made a choice, which is fair enough, nevertheless, he made that choice.
For me, i feel, the penny has dropped, and i see the picture for what it truly is.

Yes i agree with what you say.

Hence after this incident, and a further look at our relationship, i discussed with him, we should separate for a short while, but he does not want to let go of me, and does not want to separate

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions.

If you are both actively TTC you should look at the calendar and work out when you're ovulating. Not spring it on him as he's leaving.

Yes i agree too, it's crazy, but he doesnt seem it is..

But i have to say, looking at all of this, the time has never been right with us, he has always had somewhere else to be or something else to do, or more priority more pressing things in his life, the point being, its always him, who has walked away from it, even though he says he wants a family.

Yet i know, actions speak louder than words.

That specific week, we both knew it was around that week, it wasnt just sprung on him.

We both knew, i for my own sake, had to say it. So that tomorrow he could not say to me, i did not tell him.

I did tell him, and he has said in later conversations, that he too was intending to do the baby dance that night, however he choose to go.

I know someone who had a similar relationship with his mother. His mother was very jealous of her son having a life with his wife. She would know her son was going on a family day out or had a day off work etc and then phone with her demands. It might be something is broken and needs fixing NOW or she would even say she was ill, yet when he ran to her, she would miraculously be better within 10 minutes of them arriving. She would make him feel guilty if he didn't drop everything for her. She wasn't a nice woman but the problem was with this man not standing up to his mum. His wife obviously became very resentful. He had children with his wife and his mother became even more demanding. It caused huge problems between him and his wife because obviously she felt that she was never important enough.

Obviously your husband is grieving at the moment and you must let him get through this time and support his mother. However, as you are considering children with this man, the issue does need sorting. He can't expect you to be ok with him dropping everything for her.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk about how you both feel. Having a child is lovely but it definitely adds dress to a relationship so you need to be sure you are both want the same things.

There's never a right time to have a child.

He won't be wanting to DTD under pressure, that's a sure way of getting ED.

It will tear you apart. Don't tell him when you are ovulating, how clinical!

Leave a chart on his desk if you must.

At 41 you are staring childlessness in the face. A man is not.

The resentment will eat you up.

His mother has inadvertently and is inadvertently sabotaging your chance of being a mother yourself.

His priority is her as you have found to your cost.

You can't win op.

I do not think he is invested in TTC

You said it yourself, actions speak louder than words. He will give you lip service that he does until the cows come home but, no, he doesn’t want children. Sorry.

You want to separate. He doesn’t. So? Separate anyway. This is really an ultimatum situation, imho. And you know he isn’t going to choose you. He never has and he never will-as long as his mummy is there.

You get copious amounts of superficial verbiage -telling you what you want to hear to get you off his back. And you have complied for 16 y e a r s. I would say that train has just run out of track. Enough is enough.

He is a mummy’s boy. I don’t think there is a fix for that. The only thing that may save your relationship is a long distance move away from her. Even if she died, no, you would never ever rate above her then because you’d be trampling in his grief of her memory for eternity. No win situation.

This is the status quo. Accept it as is and make your peace with it. Or move on for the sake of your own personal dignity, your own mental health, and your own happiness. I think this choice is yours and an ultimatum may be just a waste of time/breath.

Sorry he couldn’t be honest with you from the beginning.

So, your partner of 16 years lost his father 7 weeks ago and you have just dropped on him you want to separate because he isn't focussing on having sex at the right time? I'm very surprised he didn't call you a selfish narcissistic personality lacking compassion with no empathy at all. He should be running a mile.

OP it doesn’t matter how many times his dad had been in hospital, the fact remains his mother needed him and you wanted a shag because you were ovulating

I know what I’d do if I was him!!

I get you want a child but sometimes... just sometimes... things happen where you have to step back and think of the bigger picture.

I actually think you were quite selfish expecting him to stay home and shag you instead of seeing his mum while his dad is dying

Well the two things weren't mutually exclusive. You could've had sex before he went to his mum's. Saying 'but I'm ovulating' as he was leaving wasn't about getting him to have sex, but about getting him to stay at home and not visit his Mum, because of this weird competitive thing you seem to have going on.

Did you really think blurting that out would make him stay? It wouldn't make me want to have sex, especially in those circumstances, sounds rather manipulative actually and would've led to him letting his mum down when she really did need him.

He actually said he never wanted DC.

And his actions confirm this. I think you need to accept that going for IVF was the aberration. But stopping after the failed round is back to normal form.

He is newly bereaved, not bothered about TTC and does want to support his. DMum.

Even without a bereavement, people can find sex to a timetable when TTC to be a turnoff. Are you actually having sex for fun? (not that you have to answer that publically, but it's an angle you might want to think about).

He was wrong to give you false hope.

Can you see a child-free future? Because at 41, this is increasingly likely

How do you think it might seem from his point of view?

You've been together 16 years and TTC for 5 years. During any of that time you could have accused him of a lack of interest in children and threatened to leave - for example when he told you that he didn't want children - but you've chosen to do it when his dad has just died and made it into a choice between you and his bereaved mother. Grief over his dad, guilt over his mum and now threats from his partner.

I can't help feeling sorry for the guy, rather than getting too riled up about whether he now really means what he's saying. He's under a huge amount of stress.

You need to take a good look at how you are reacting - do you feel compassion and want to help him? If not, why would you want to have a child with someone you don't even empathise with? Out of desperation for a child? What kind of a future would that bring you both?

You chose to stay with someone who didn't want kids. What are you going to do now?

Thank you