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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unwanted groping from DH

36 replies

Albadross · 19/09/2018 11:16

I've been with my DH for almost 9 years and married for 3 with 1 dc. Sex has been an issue right from the start - he sees sex as basically the most important thing in the world and I don't.

We've had couples therapy for this in the past but it seemed I was being told I was unreasonable for having no libido. Things were better for a little while but then it started going downhill again. For context a lot of traumatic things have happened and I have autism and MH issues (as he does) so things have never been easy anyway. Since we married we moved for his job and I have zero social life now.

Anyway, sex has all but stopped and I've been sleeping in the spare room for months now, which has dissolved any bond we had. He grabs my boobs and bum when I don't want him to and ignores my boundaries completely. I just can't cope with him constantly groping me even when I tell him I hate it, he just makes it about him not feeling loved. Any physical attraction I had has completely gone out the window and I feel trapped in a life that doesn't make me happy.

Should we try therapy again? Should we separate? I don't know what to do..

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 19/09/2018 11:19

Ltb or carry a fork in your pocket and use it for self defence.
*not joking.
Or start squeezing his balls hard in return.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2018 11:19

You should seperate.

You need to be away from someone who doesn’t feel he has the right to grope you.

He wants a relationship with a physical side and that’s okay but he’s not dealing with it in an okay way at all by berating you and basically assaulting you.

The marriage sounds awful and it’s not healthy for your child to grow up thinking this dynamic is normal.

nocheyniebla · 19/09/2018 11:29

Very similar to what I had. I always felt raped and like there was something wrong with me. I divorced him and now I'm in a very happy relationship. It turns out I was never asexual (I thought I was at some point) , I think I simply was not attracted at all to my ex.

Original poster
Albadross · 19/09/2018 14:00

I thought that for a while too. But I've felt that visceral attraction to someone else (nothing has ever happened) so I know I'm not asexual. In fact it was having that feeling again for the first time in 9 years that has made me start to think maybe I do need to end my marriage. This can't be all there is - for either of us.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 19/09/2018 14:25

Yeah agree with PPs, doesn't sound healthy or fixable at all. I would leave

Adora10 · 19/09/2018 14:28

He has no right to touch you OP, that's worrying, I'd also worry about his online activity; he doesn't see you as an equal person, just someone to use for sex, it would be the end for me, how unattractive he sounds.

Unicornandbows · 19/09/2018 14:41

For a lot no sex is a deal breaker. This is both not fair on you or your partner. I think you should separate as this is not healthy for both parties.

Icklepup · 19/09/2018 14:45

I would leave

nocheyniebla · 19/09/2018 14:53

OP I do think is time to leave, I tell you from experience.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 19/09/2018 14:56

It's time to leave. You want different kind of relationships.

Racecardriver · 19/09/2018 15:01

Well he's sexually assaulting you and that is never OK but if you are denying him love and affection but demanding fidelity then that Iis also bad (not as bad mind you, norlt a justification either). Would it maybe be better for you if you allowed him to see other people?

RedPandaFluff · 19/09/2018 15:09

I used to be in a relationship like this, OP. It was very difficult. He used to grab and grope me exactly as you describe - for example, I'd be doing something in the kitchen and he'd come in, circle his arms around my waist, but then shove his hands down my jeans and start groping me even though I'd be wriggling and telling him to get off. It was so invasive; it almost felt as if he were violating me in some way. He would absolutely pester me for sex too - even if I weren't feeling well, he'd rub against me and whine and try to persuade me. It got to the point where, if I'd had a few drinks, I used to pretend to be asleep and he would do whatever he wanted. He also seemed to think that if he did something nice for me - or something useful in the house - then I owed him sex. Needless to say it killed any desire I had for him stone dead and I eventually ended the relationship. I don't regret it.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/09/2018 15:50

He absolutely shouldn't be groping you but it seems like you've had mis matched sex drives from the start. This isn't good for either of you.
I couldn't be with someone who never wanted to have sex with me and wouldn't sleep in the same bed just as i couldn't be with someone who thought they had an automatic right to grope me.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 19/09/2018 16:04

It's over OP. Get out before those non-existent boundaries are eroded even further. Not just for you but for your dc. What an example he is setting.

Original poster
Albadross · 19/09/2018 18:20

I have suggested he see other people but he won't. I'm very conscious that I don't want to mess up the dc but part of me promised myself I'd never get divorced because I suffered so much during my parents split. But how do I even have this conversation with him? He's talking about spending money on the house and all I can think is that I don't want to live there anymore. He's also said (when angry) in the past that he'd take custody of the dc and that's horribly scary.

OP posts:
busybarbara · 19/09/2018 20:58

Split up. You clearly don't even like him and what sort of marriage is that. You are even thinking about other people rather than whether the marriage can be fixed so be kind to both of you and end it.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 19/09/2018 21:26

Not a chance in hell would he get custody if you're honest about the reasons for divorce. Not only that but mother's tend to be favoured for custody anyway. If you filed a police report and he got convicted he'd be on the sex offenders register for goodness sake. No judge in the land would give him custody. He is sexually assaulting, what do you think is more harmful for a child to grow up with? Divorced parents or an abusive home?

BewareOfDragons · 19/09/2018 21:47

See a solicitor and call women's aid.

You are being sexually assaulted by your DH

Find out what your rights are and how to get out safely.

BeUpStanding · 19/09/2018 21:56

There are few things guaranteed to switch off your libido more thoroughly than being grabbed and groped when you don't want it. Sorry to say but I agree with PP that it's time to split Flowers

BarbarianMum · 19/09/2018 22:25

If ypuve got yo the point where you are suggesting he see other people then the marriage is over. End it and set both him and yourself free.

AnotherEmma · 19/09/2018 22:35

This is sexual abuse. Based on other things you’ve told us I think it’s extremely likely that he’s emotionally abusive too.

Other forms of subtle sexual abuse include fondling us in public places or in front of our family and friends when we feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about this, or any other form of repeated touching which we have told him makes us feel uncomfortable or we don't like.
From www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

Signs of emotional abuse

The Abuser Profiles

I suggest that you get some support - call women’s aid for example - and legal advice, and work towards ending the relationship.

SelfCareAndKindness · 20/09/2018 07:10

@AnotherEmma is correct. This is abuse and he has no 'right' to your body. I'm so sorry OP, I hope you can have the right support to have a better life Thanks

butterballs9 · 20/09/2018 11:05

This is all about having appropriate boundaries. I had something a bit similar with ex. He didn't grab in the way you describe but he did think he had a right to sex even when I wasn't in the mood/there was no lead up to it/he hadn't made an effort to build up the attraction etc. It's such a turn-off when a man doesn't make an effort to build up any excitement or attraction and just 'expects' sex even when the mood isn't there. I would definitely stick to the spare bedroom. In the event that you do at some stage want a divorce, if you have been separated for two years, that is grounds for divorce. It isn't practical for many people to move out of the family home, especially the mother who often has more contact with the children on a day to day basis. I would suggest a few sessions of counselling where you could raise this issue with a neutral third party. In the event that you want to separate for a bit, say, then this can be used as evidence that you tried to make the marriage work. It was during several counselling sessions that I had with ex where I raised the issue of him touching me when I didn't want him to. The counsellor got him to agree to a 'no touch' rule unless agreed. Sounds extreme but when your boundaries are being violated you have to set them in stone.

Be very firm - you will not tolerate being groped or any unwanted sexual attention. For what it's worth, I also wanted my ex to see other people but he wouldn't either.

I do suggest a few sessions with a good counsellor where you can discuss these things and draw up a few 'rules' - whichever direction your relationship goes, this would be a first step towards that and can help you both with asserting appropriate boundaries. Good luck!

butterballs9 · 20/09/2018 11:25

Totally agree with others who have stated that this is sexual and emotional abuse. It is. I suspect he is likely to use emotional manipulation to try to convince you that separating from him in whatever way shows a lack of commitment to the marriage and to your child. This is a very strong manoeuvring tactic and he will know that you yourself were deeply affected by your parents' divorce and can use this to guilt you into staying in the status quo.

As a first step, I suggest you read those links on threads above and I agree - contact one of the agencies that can help in cases of abusive relationships. Knowledge is power. But right now I think it is really important to stay in the spare bedroom and enforce a 'no grab' rule. Ideally, a no touch rule as he has shown he is incapable of showing you a loving, respectful kind of physical contact. If you can find a counsellor who understands coercive control then have a few sessions. Coercive control is now against the law.

Get those boundaries in place in the first instance - but be prepared for his behaviour to escalate so make sure you have safe places to go if possible and supportive people around you.

Fontofnoknowledge · 20/09/2018 11:45

You want a marriage but don't want the other half of the marriage near you.

You don't want the other half near you because he is sexually assaulting you. (Your understanding of what is happening)

He will be becoming more and more desperate for affection in the form of sex because this is the effect that constant rejection has. He will be trying to 'get you in the mood' by making sexual advances (His perception of what he is doing). In order to reform a connection.

Wether his behaviour has come about because of your withdrawal. (Do not under estimate just how earth shatteringly horrible the feeling of constant physical rejection makes someone feel) or your reaction to his unwanted sexual advances - is actually probably irrelevant now. You simply don't want him. You've stayed 'for the kids'.

Time to let yourselves find love with other people. Your marriage is dead in the water.

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