Unwanted groping from DH

[Albadross]

I've been with my DH for almost 9 years and married for 3 with 1 dc. Sex has been an issue right from the start - he sees sex as basically the most important thing in the world and I don't.

We've had couples therapy for this in the past but it seemed I was being told I was unreasonable for having no libido. Things were better for a little while but then it started going downhill again. For context a lot of traumatic things have happened and I have autism and MH issues (as he does) so things have never been easy anyway. Since we married we moved for his job and I have zero social life now.

Anyway, sex has all but stopped and I've been sleeping in the spare room for months now, which has dissolved any bond we had. He grabs my boobs and bum when I don't want him to and ignores my boundaries completely. I just can't cope with him constantly groping me even when I tell him I hate it, he just makes it about him not feeling loved. Any physical attraction I had has completely gone out the window and I feel trapped in a life that doesn't make me happy.

Should we try therapy again? Should we separate? I don't know what to do..

Font I get what you're saying but he shows absolutely zero affection outside of sex and that's why we lost our bond in the first place. He's physically pushed me away when I've held his hand or tried to hug him in public even just after I'd given birth. In his mind sex is the only way you can express love so it's not as if I've been deliberately torturing him by withholding affection - he didn't support me during times when I really needed him to and its hard to find someone attractive in any way when they make you feel that way.

I think I will use the suggestion of raising this with a third party during a counselling session and maybe doing a trial separation but living as we are because the logistics are very complicated for childcare (we both work full time and have no family within a 300 mile radius). The idea of only having ds around 50 percent of the time is terrifying.

I guess I was feeling under pressure with my age to settle with someone and now I'm paying the price. I feel guilty and ashamed that I'm in this situation but also angry that as the higher earner with a pension I might end up back at square one if we divorce and he claims half my pension or whatever else he decides I owe him. When I was earning peanuts he made me pay half of everything and now he makes me give him money every month to make it 'fair'. He also seems to enjoy parenting shaming me even though for the first year of our ds's life I was doing all the childcare and working whilst he was away.

You'll be a lot happier if you split. Get a good lawyer and get started. You may take a financial hit, but it will worth it.

OP he is abusive both emotionally, sexually and financially.

I would get some legal advice

Yes he is financially abusive as well as the rest

Please don’t get couples counselling, it’s not recommended with an abuser.

Please do call women’s aid and read Lundy Bancroft.

Anotheremma I'm finding it so hard to see how else I can have such an uncomfortable and life changing conversation unless it's somewhere where there's a mediator. Not that I'm afraid of him, just because he's going to assume I'm having an affair (he asks me that literally every day even though he can see where I am all the time through GPS and I do nothing outside of work). I did probably push too hard for us having ds because I found out I'd need medical help, so maybe it's my fault for putting that pressure on him?

It's your fault he's sexually abusive, what a load of bollocks OP, you need to actually see the reality here; the man is a sex pest, is probably cheating on you hence his projection of accusing you and is also now financial abusing you, he's also showing your kid that abusing and controlling a woman is normal; for goodness sake, fuck the money, get yourself and your child out the situation, it won't go away, it will continue and get worse.

he can see where I am all the time through GPS

This isn't normal behaviour! Why does he need to know where you are 100% of the time?

Yeah I agree with Adora. This isn't right and there's no excuse for his behaviour. There's also no excuse for you to stay with him, it will damage ds. Time to put on your big girl pants OP and start making some phone calls.

OK, it sounds as if you are so afraid of him that you would like some back up to help you have a difficult conversation

Perhaps mediation (rather than counselling) would be a helpful option. But do you think he would go? And engage with it?

None of this is your fault. He is responsible for his abusive behaviour

Sorry you did say that you’re not afraid of him. But you are afraid of talking to him by the sounds of it.

The GPS is one of those family things, I can see him too, I just don't bother. He's definitely not cheating, I know people say that all the time but he doesn't go anywhere other than work or home either. Neither of us have a life!

I will propose mediation and see what he says. I genuinely don't think he has malicious intent, he's just not someone who ever talks about or acknowledges either his own or anyone else's emotions. We've both said stupid things, he's developed a beer gut and I've pointed it out when he's been moaning about back pain and I would probably be pissed off if he did that to me but tbh I checked out ages ago.

I struggle with decisions and autism doesn't make that any easier so whatever happens its change and I'm going to find it really hard.