Asking for a picture? Is this ok?

[Whatsoeverwonder1]

Been dating someone for a month. We’ve kissed but that’s it (I don’t want to go further at this point). He’s not pushy at all in that way. Important factor: a few months ago I came out of quite an emotionally abusive relationship where I felt controlled and put down and felt obliged to send photos etc to keep him happy - he never outwardly said that but just generally the relationship was horrible like that and I constantly felt under pressure. I’ve since realised how damaging he was and now on high alert for anyone else with those traits!

So this new man... on a couple of occasions he has asked me to send him a photo. I asked him to clarify what he meant. He said a photo of me, to see my smile etc. I said I felt uncomfortable, he said sorry. A few days later i sent him a photo unprompted - just a casual smiling one before I went out for the night. He’s since asked for another more recently.

I feel uncomfortable with him asking! I’ve onviouslt fuelled it by sending a photo - but I’m not against sending pics, I just don’t like being asked.

Am I being unfair here? Do people ask for pics? Has my previous relationship impacted my views too much?

He’s lovely and he definitely can sense something is wrong but I just don’t know whether to bring it up!

I thought you meant nude pics!

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for a face photo.

My Ex was long distance and we asked each other for selfies daily.

He doesn’t specify what sort of photo he wants though and my immediate thought is he wants a dirty photo.

If I asked him he would say what he said last time that he just wanted one of me, see my face etc.

All sorts of horrible feelings rushed over me when he said it and now he’s questioning why I am quiet ...

When most people ask for a photo it is just a photo of them, clothed and smiling, so they have something to lool at or show off to friends as they are proud of their relationship.

Did your ex want photos of you in a sexual nature? Just trying to understand where the anxiety for you lies. If they were normal photos it could be that you are projecting your last relationship onto your new one.

That is my worry, that I am projecting.

With my ex, I would send a photo and he would say it was a bit boring (if it was my legs but in tights not naked for example). There were times he was complimentary too though! But just generally the request made me feel a bit controlled.

I’m hyper sensitive to men who want to put me down since my ex.

I don’t want to throw a spanner in the works here though with this new man who so far has been nothing but respectful and polite

Honestly, I think it’s kind of weird. My dh and I have been together 10 years and I don’t think either of us have ever asked the other to send a photo. We were long distance for 2 of those years (like opposite sides of the world) and definitely sent photos (not nude ones though!). But the difference was they were sent to share what we were doing with the other because we couldn’t be physically in the same place doing it together, not requested. But in a very new relationship where you see each other regularly, it’s a bit weird. What does he do with them?

Shouldn’t he have clarified it wasn’t a dirty photo he was after?

Send a smiling photo then text
"hope this is what you meant!. I don't do risque photos"

You don't need to apologise or explain. Just inform him.

I hate sending selfies of myself. Just hate it.

Why don't you just tell him that you're not really into sending selfies. If he is a good man, then this won't bother him.

I've discovered the hard way that having a healthy relationship is all about being able to assert your boundaries and this is one of yours. You don't need to say anything about your reasons why, it is just one of the things that you're not really into.

I would hate this but thats because i hate having my pic taken...boyfriends who've asked me to send face pics havent lasted very long x

I don’t actually mind sending photos.. of any kind when I’ve chosen to. It’s the idea that I would do it on demand that I can’t stand.

I know what you mean.
I used to chat with this guy who every day would ask for a picture. I wouldn't send him one. Oh please, he would say, it's just a picture. He didn't want nudes, just pictures. I wouldn't. Then emotional shit would start.
It's really hard to explain but it made me really uncomfortable. There was a lot of manipulation over a picture.
I wasn't even seeing this guy, we were just chatting getting to know each other and talking about when to meet.
I stopped talking to him and moved on. But after that, I became really suspicious if asked for a picture. And would ask why what's the fascination etc. Completely irrational. Even now, several months later I won't send pictures, and shut down any conversations involving pictures telling them when and if I want to, I will, in the meantime dont ask.

He definitely wants you to send nudes. Avoid avoid avoid!

I think your previous abusive relationship really and truly messed with your head and boundaries. Abusive ex's really do mess with your head and that still has power even after the relationship has ended. It may well be that you are projecting all this anxiety now to your new relationship. This man is not your ex and is not already saying that your photo is boring.

I would seriously consider enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and do this in person if at all possible even though it can be done online. This will help you re your head boundaries too.

Ok I asked him what he meant. He said ‘your face, I love your smile.’

I didn’t think my ex was abusive enough to justify the freedom programme. Ah I don’t want to mess up something good because of the awful man, he already wasted nearly two years of my life

"I didn’t think my ex was abusive enough to justify the freedom programme".

No, it doesn't work like that at all, the fact that you were abused anyway is reason to do their programme anyway. You also had nearly two years of ill treatment from him as well and I am glad to read that you have got away from him physically. Now you need to get that ex of yours properly out of your head.

It is for those who have been in abusive relationships and your ex was abusive towards you. Your ex's abuse of you continues to harm you now and that person messed with your boundaries big time here. Its affecting your new relationship with this new man already.

He did clarify it wasn't nude he was after.

It would occur to me to clarify I didn't want a nude photo being sent. Nudes aren't something I am into, so wouldn't think to point that to someone.

Why don’t you say to him that next time you’re together (date or whatever) that you and he can take a selfie together?

That way there’s no misunderstanding of where your boundaries lie and he gets a pic to show you off to friends and family (assuming that’s the point of his request).

Some people like to have pics. I have a ton of my partner On the wall around my desk (home office) even though I see her every day. No nudes in amongst them though

I don’t have a problem with photos at all. I’m just very careful about who I date now. The last year or so was really terrible and when I think back to it I’m shocked I let it happen.

I would find it off putting and odd. It does make me raise an eyebrow. But if it is odd, maybe he doesn't realise if he's had previous relationships where it's been normal. Say no to the pics of demand and see what his response is? I was long distance for 3 years with DP and we inevitably sent pictures but I wouldn't have asked, unless for some good reason (e.g. he said he just got a hair cut, etc).

After a month asking for pictures seems even weirder, it's a bit over familiar expecting that isn't it after a few dates?

I don’t think it’s over familiar as we have spoken a lot and he isn’t a pushy person.

I am concerned however about the impact of my previous relationship. The more time I’ve had apart the more I’ve realised how abusive he was.

What has he said when you've said no to the pictures?

Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, even if it is just a photo of your face. If he's right for you, he'll understand.

If he only wanted a photo to show you off or to show people he was talking to about you, then you have sent him one, he doesn't need multiple.

Don't put yourself into a position you are not comfortable with to try to please him. You've been through a lot, take control of yourself and don't let anyone tell you what you should be doing.

I think this is totally normal. I've been dating a fair bit in the last year. And, with most guys, you send pictures along to assist in narrating your day. We live in the age of social media where it's so normal to see this pictorial story of someone's day, so it's really just a more personalised version of that.

If you are not comfortable, just say I don't feel like being in a picture right now.

I just thought an actual photo of me was a bit odd. We have talked about it now. He seems nice but I am so cautious!

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