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Relationships

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn’t want children

34 replies

Bee26 · 19/09/2018 09:22

Hello, when me and my boyfriend first got together he told me he wanted to have another child with me but not for a few years. He already has a 2 and half year old from a previous relationship. He’s now saying he doesn’t want anymore. This is such a big deal for me because I really do want them. What should I do?

OP posts:

Stormwhale · 19/09/2018 09:26

I think all you can do is explain that is is not something you are willing to give up. If he maintains that he doesn't want more children then you need to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship. For me it would be a no brainer. I would leave and look for a relationship with someone who wants a family. You can't make someone want children, and to force the issue would be wrong.

Pashazade · 19/09/2018 09:32

I'm afraid it sounds like crunch time. You have to sit with him and say it's a deal breaker if he really doesn't want more children and you know heart of hearts that you would feel miserable without then you've got to move on because the relationship will collapse if you try and keep going as it currently stands with some delusional hope he will change his mind. Sorry

Musti · 19/09/2018 09:35

It would be a deal breaker for me.

user14869556378 · 19/09/2018 10:31

Agree with strong whale

CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 10:34

What stormwhale said. It's a right pisser but it is what it is.

Do not accept a maybe in 5 years kind of answer from him.

How old are you? How long have you been together? Do you live together?

NonaGrey · 19/09/2018 10:35

I’m afraid you have to leave him.

Don’t assume he'll change his mind.

Don’t waste your time with someone who wants something so radically different from you out of life.

ScottyDog7 · 19/09/2018 10:38

Agree with PP that the logical thing to do would be to have a frank discussion and leave the relationship.
But I completely understand that emotionally if everything else is great it's not that easy. I'm in a similar situation (although no previous children) but think I'll be miserable either way. I love my DP, but also want kids...

If it's a newer relationship (must be relatively since his child is young) and you still have youth, finances and independence on your side leaving will be easier than sticking around another 10 years and being resentful.

Hideandgo · 19/09/2018 10:38

Three choices:

Leave him
Stay and make your peace with having no kids
Trick him (or fool yourself into thinking it was ‘just an accident’)

People choose any of the above depending on what kind of personality they have and how foolish they are to wreak their future happiness.

Original poster

Bee26 · 19/09/2018 10:46

We have been together 4 months and are looking to move in together next year. We have known each other 12 years. I am 22 and he is 25

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 19/09/2018 10:50

You've been together 4 months?. Why are you even considering a Lifetime with him? This is the stage where you get to know each other, find out about either. You've got a brick wall OP. There's no way round this one. If you can't see a life without children, you've got to leave him

Singlenotsingle · 19/09/2018 10:51

Each other
You've hit a brick wall

SpottingTheZebras · 19/09/2018 10:52

Find someone who wants what you want in life.

Brazenhussy0 · 19/09/2018 10:56

You're only 22 and have been with this guy 4 months. Be glad you've discovered early on that you both have different wants on such an important issue.

Don't waste time waiting for him to maybe change his mind. He might never. You'll only end up resenting him in the long run if you choose to stay with him knowing he doesn't want any more children.

category12 · 19/09/2018 10:57

Don't do it, break it off. Recipe for resentment either way. You're only 22, you have loads of time to find someone who wants the same things you do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2018 10:59

You have to walk away.

Why’s he changed his mind?

CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 11:05

This is a no brainer. This relationship is going nowhere.

The fact that you first met him when you were ten years old is irrelevant. You've been dating 4 months that's nothing.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want more children. He had his first at 22. Toddlers are hard work. It must be quite a struggle for him to afford the time and money to care for his existing child. When other people are working their arses off to build a career and social group, he had been dealing with his toddler alone on his 50% of parenting. He can't save money by living in a shit houseshare because he has to have a toddler friendly home etc. I can see why he might not want more if he's already struggling.

TwistedStitch · 19/09/2018 11:07

Only 4 months in yet you have another thread complaining that he doesn't involve you in his contact time with his child! Just move on, he hasn't exactly strung you along for years and people are entitled to change their mind about things. At your young age you can find someone without kids and build a family together.

NonaGrey · 19/09/2018 11:08

Don’t do Hide’s number 3 option. It’s a terrible thing to do to anyone.

A child deserves to have a father who doesn’t resent him or her.

I’m sorry but it can’t move in with him. You need to split up.

My friend spent ten years of her life waiting for her partner to change his mind about marriage and kids. He never did.

Eventually in her mid thirties with time running down she finally left him even though it devasted her.

She’s now very happily married to someone else with two lovely kids.

But don’t put yourself through that pain.

You are only four months in, it’s never going to get easier to leave him than it is now.

SpottingTheZebras · 19/09/2018 11:08

when me and my boyfriend first got together he told me he wanted to have another child with me but not for a few years

He said what you wanted to hear to get you into bed.

SD1978 · 19/09/2018 11:10

There isn't a compromise here. You need to have a frank discussion with him that children are non negotiable. If he's adamant that he doesn't want anymore- which is his right, then you need to decide if it's time to end the relationship.

Trinity66 · 19/09/2018 11:11

You're only together 4 months, if he's adamant that he's not having anymore then leave now. If you really want kids, you will grow to resent him over time and you will be filled with regret

dirtybadger · 19/09/2018 11:14

Leave. Find someone who wants kids in the future. You have plenty of time.

Musti · 19/09/2018 11:15

You're both young and he already has a kid. I don't blame him for not thinking about kids now and I don't understand why thats even come up after just 4 months and your young age.

Have fun, enjoy each other and see where the relationship takes you.

sue51 · 19/09/2018 11:18

4 months is a very short time to be thinking of moving in together. Why the rush.?

NonaGrey · 19/09/2018 12:06

Have fun, enjoy each other and see where the relationship takes you.

Why waste her time when she knows it’s not going where she needs it to?

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