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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So I've been ghosted.....

69 replies

Ginbaby · 18/09/2018 21:33

That's it really....and it stings like a b**ch.
Been seeing someone for close to 6 months, pretty non committal with little expectation from either party. This was due to work & family commitments.It was a mixture of nights out & meeting at each others places.

I did wonder at times where it was headed & what he really thought of me but sat back & acted cool with the arrangement. I really did like him but did'nt want to be seen to push for 'relationship' status. So I let it run along.

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago he started texting quite 'romantic' things to me (he's always been nice though) and said he really needed to see me. When we met up he was VERY loving & kept telling me how much he had fallen for me. Didn't think he had it in him anymore & realised since he met me he didn't want to be on his own. Asking me if I thought he was affectionate enough.

Okay I thought, whats going on here? I didn't say the same back as to be honest as felt abit taken aback.( I was treated very badly in my last relationship, so incredibly weary) I did like what I was hearing though.

Soooo, fast forward to this weekend and we met up again (had seen each other inbetween this time) having a great evening. We then were jokingly disagreeing about something (bantering really). He made a comment about it being our 1st relationship arguement.

I then said 'well are we in a relationship then? I think we probably need to have a conversation about that?' in a light airy way. His response was not what I expected. He literally didn't want to discuss it...at all!! I got abit frustrated & told him I felt vunerable by his actions as all I wanted to establish where he thought we were headed & where he would like it to go? If anywhere.

The most I got was that he still felt the same about me as he had an hour earlier & that I should know how he felt about me as he had told me already. Okay....so I thought leave it then.....We continued chatting(about other stuff) and eventually he had to go home. All very loving when we said goodbye.

I sent him a watsapp the following morning....he read it....and nothing in return....not a dicky bird...

He's been online to since as I kept going onto his profile & stared at the screen in disbelief. I really can't believe he would do that....WTAF.....I'm gutted in all honesty. Anyone had any similar experience /kind words or advice? I'm feeling shit!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 16:34

Redglitter, that is truly awful! How could someone behave that way is beyond me. Yes Glittery, I was trying to define it...trying to give him the options of what he thought an ongoing relationship would look like. As it stood, it was very casual & non commital. Whenever we parted we never said 'oh I'm free Tuesday' (or whenever). We would just text each other & wing it.

If, what he thought that was an idea of what a relationship looked like; I can't see many people going headfirst into that kind of arrangement.

As someone said earlier...another 6 months in & he could say 'oh but we were never exclusive'. Thats why I needed clarification of sorts. Set some expectations/boundaries.

To me, it seems pretty fair....

OP posts:

Johndoe10 · 19/09/2018 16:43

Well I think you had a lucky escape tbh.

If he did like you then all he has done is thrown his toys out of the pram and trying to punish you.

Normal sane people talk issues through. You tried to.

Honestly you don’t want a sulker.

Onemansoapopera · 19/09/2018 17:35

But relationships are organic are they not...they evolve? Looks like he was ready to be in one with you and you weren't ready just to take that and see how it unfolded. There are people who've been married 40 years who get dumped on...what difference would 'defining' a relationship six months in make?

Do you enjoy each other? Yes
Do you see each other regularly? Yes
Does it look like you're in a really good place together, getting to know each other? Yes.

Why complicate it? Honestly OP, this one is on you, in my and PP's opinion , if you like you need to get your rescue mission on, light and airy style!

Johndoe10 · 19/09/2018 17:39

He might have been ready but I don’t think OP was - at that point. He changed the goal posts and expected OP to follow suit immediately

Meh, he is a sulker.

Oddcat · 19/09/2018 17:42

I've had a fair few relationships and have never had a conversation about whether we're 'in a relationship or not' . Things have just pootled along and developed naturally without the need to analyse anything.

Is this a new thing? It seems a bit pressured to me .

Original poster

Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 17:47

Don't people talk about whether they are going to be exclusive? I did with my last relationship. My ex asked me. We just knew where we were then...no ambiguity..no guessing...

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 19/09/2018 18:10

I've not experienced that and I met my DH on tinder four years ago so I've been in the mix as it were, we just kind of naturally chose each other and everything/body else fell away without discussion I guess. Certainly once you've fallen for someone you can't look at at anyone else anyway can you? And you can't really discuss a time frame for falling for each other it either happens or it doesn't so I'm not sure how it works. I think he was being quite cute slipping in the r-bomb and you poised on his chips to be honest 😂 no wonder he's retreated!! Do you want to hear from him? Or have you written it off now

Onemansoapopera · 19/09/2018 18:11

Predictive text changed pissed to poised there 😂

Meandyoumake2 · 19/09/2018 18:12

I think some people do and some don't it's difficult to know each relationship and person is djfferent. Maybe you should text him one more time and see if he replies? You'll always regret not trying if you don't. Have any of your friends met him? What vibe have they got?

Original poster

Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 18:28

Yes I do want to hear from him Oneman. I'm almost afraid to try to contact him because...1. He may have blocked me. 2. Doesn't want to know.

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 19/09/2018 18:32

Well. If it was me, I'd go for the light and airy approach again:

Can we both agree I've been a bit of a dick here? A relationship with you sounds ace. I already miss you. Message me xx

Thoughts? If he likes you that much he'll be waiting for your call. Even if you appear blocked... he'll unblock you for a sneaky peak (we've all done it).

ChristmasFluff · 19/09/2018 18:47

I'm really surprised by some of the responses here. It's 6 months in, there's been no 'exclusivity' talk (which as the OP says, means he could come back at her moaning about him seeing someone else in a few months time with 'we never said we were exclusive'), and the guy's way of dealing with a relationship problem is to do stonewalling and the silent treatment.

Someone who was really interested in you wouldn't have been put off by what you said, because it sounded quite jokey. A decent person wouldn't ghost you for any reason (except abuse) after 6 months.

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to watch what you say for fear of 'scaring off' the timid forest creature?

OP, you've dodged a bullet. It's not going to get better than this. I bet you hear from him again when he thinks he's let you 'stew' for long enough. I hope you are strong enough to tell him where to go. xx

Onemansoapopera · 19/09/2018 18:52

No I disagree. You're pretty much labelling this guy as an abusive head worker and that's literally ridiculous. Here's a seemingly nice guy who doesn't seem to have put a foot wrong in sixth months, lets give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he has feelings too to think about. It's not just all one way.

gylly · 19/09/2018 19:53

Ghosted after 12 years Redglitter?!

What happened? If someone did that to me I would think that they had died. Were you not living together?

Honeyroar · 19/09/2018 21:58

Initially I thought that you'd been a bit cold with him when he was trying, however from your subsequent posts you have tried to talk to him and see whether he wanted a relationship. I think I'd have been really upset/angry at him closing when I was speaking and refusing to answer.

If you like him and are interested after all this then contact him and ask him plainly what he wants. Tell him if he does think he'd like to move it forward to a relationship you'd be quite happy, but if not, and if he wants to continue ignoring you and being hot and cold then it's probably time to call it a day. (Put your cards on the table, you've not lost anything if he does continue to play silly bugger). At least you know, for one last time, you've been open and honest...

Redglitter · 19/09/2018 22:43

*Ghosted after 12 years Redglitter?!

What happened? If someone did that to me I would think that they had died. Were you not living together*

No we weren't. For various reasons but it suited us. I could literally write a book about the things he did. Totally gaslighted me too. Started off pulling away because his Dad was ill - never did find out if it was true. Then I found out while he was supposedly staying with his parents he was out with another female. It all came to a head I got a vile email from her included in it was some personal stuff about me/us that could have only come from him. He refused to address anything and contact slowed. I obviously wanted to find out wtf was going on. We arranged to get together to thrash things out, he changed his phone number and his email address and I never heard from him again. He moved in with her a few weeks later

Mollymoose · 19/09/2018 23:03

I would have to message him and just come out with it and ask him what’s wrong.
If he doesn’t answer then put it in the fuck it bucket and let it go. It will save you sitting thinking about it. Pick up the phone and send the message.

Dieu · 22/09/2018 17:24

I don't think you're to blame at all. YANBU.

Dieu · 22/09/2018 17:26

And I am proud, and would have acted similarly to you, out of self-preservation. Must admit though, the not knowing would kill me!

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