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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I've been ghosted.....

69 replies

Ginbaby · 18/09/2018 21:33

That's it really....and it stings like a b**ch.
Been seeing someone for close to 6 months, pretty non committal with little expectation from either party. This was due to work & family commitments.It was a mixture of nights out & meeting at each others places.

I did wonder at times where it was headed & what he really thought of me but sat back & acted cool with the arrangement. I really did like him but did'nt want to be seen to push for 'relationship' status. So I let it run along.

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago he started texting quite 'romantic' things to me (he's always been nice though) and said he really needed to see me. When we met up he was VERY loving & kept telling me how much he had fallen for me. Didn't think he had it in him anymore & realised since he met me he didn't want to be on his own. Asking me if I thought he was affectionate enough.

Okay I thought, whats going on here? I didn't say the same back as to be honest as felt abit taken aback.( I was treated very badly in my last relationship, so incredibly weary) I did like what I was hearing though.

Soooo, fast forward to this weekend and we met up again (had seen each other inbetween this time) having a great evening. We then were jokingly disagreeing about something (bantering really). He made a comment about it being our 1st relationship arguement.

I then said 'well are we in a relationship then? I think we probably need to have a conversation about that?' in a light airy way. His response was not what I expected. He literally didn't want to discuss it...at all!! I got abit frustrated & told him I felt vunerable by his actions as all I wanted to establish where he thought we were headed & where he would like it to go? If anywhere.

The most I got was that he still felt the same about me as he had an hour earlier & that I should know how he felt about me as he had told me already. Okay....so I thought leave it then.....We continued chatting(about other stuff) and eventually he had to go home. All very loving when we said goodbye.

I sent him a watsapp the following morning....he read it....and nothing in return....not a dicky bird...

He's been online to since as I kept going onto his profile & stared at the screen in disbelief. I really can't believe he would do that....WTAF.....I'm gutted in all honesty. Anyone had any similar experience /kind words or advice? I'm feeling shit!

OP posts:
TigerintheTank · 19/09/2018 13:17

I then said 'well are we in a relationship then? I think we probably need to have a conversation about that?' in a light airy way

Imagine if the situation was reversed. How would you feel if you said something about a relationship in passing and you got this response? How much worse would you feel if just before that you'd been trying to show your feelings?

It gave me a bit of a chill to be honest. I know if a man said that to me in the same context, this is what I would hear:

Woah there! She thinks we are in a relationship. I don't. I need to set her strait. We need to have "the talk" but I'll put that off til later. Hopefully by saying this she'll get the message that I'm not in the same place.

I would back off massively becuase I would assume I was feeling something that was not reciprocated and feel pretty shitty because I'd been opening up a bit more about my feelings.

It's the kind of thing that a "cool man" (cool in a disinterested sense) would say - the message is "back off there lady/guy".

Ignore everyone saying block him if you like him. He actually hasn't done anything wrong yet - it's a few days and he is probably naturally guarding his heart.

Original poster
Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 13:28

Thanks for your reply Tiger. The thing is I WAS trying to talk to him. I also said that if a full on relationship wasn't what he wanted or could commit to then to tell me.

It was as if he was totally disinterested...even shut his eyes as I spoke. Like I said, you really had to be there to see what I mean.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 19/09/2018 13:29

I completely agree with Tiger above, you messed this up OP with questioning if you were even in a relationship after he'd professed his feelings to you.

Original poster
Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 13:30

I even asked him to an event that he knows means alot to me and wouldn't just invite anyone I was messing around.

OP posts:
Weightsandmeasures · 19/09/2018 13:31

Well you gave very mixed messages.

Funicorn · 19/09/2018 13:32

My first instinct before I read all the comments was that he must have felt you WERE in a relationship but that he was uncomfortable or embarrassed to discuss it in any more detail than that . i say that coming from a place where my partner is like this . It's obvious we are in a relationship but he's not big into discussing it .Maybe he feels like a fool now ? If you do like him and want to continue seeing him send a message along the lines of " I'm sorry if you though that I was being ....blahblah whatever " and see what happens . My guess is he is hurting .

Original poster
Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 13:33

Aren't you supposed to ask someone IF thats what they want? Rather than assume they want it? I've always been pretty direct about things & don't like miscommunication, hence me wanting to talk with him.

OP posts:
Funicorn · 19/09/2018 13:35

Yes there are people who said you should have this talk and never assume anything . It's not something that everyone is comfortable with though .

foxotterhare · 19/09/2018 13:36

Did you actually tell him that his feelings were reciprocated?

Original poster
Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 13:39

I tried Fox, but he stonewalled me. Totally! I really don't know if I should try again with messaging or leave it be.

OP posts:
foxotterhare · 19/09/2018 13:42

What a head wrecker. If it's this hard to get off the ground, I'd be thinking no...

Joysmum · 19/09/2018 13:42

Of course he was dismissive in talking about it, he thought you were in a relationship and your ‘lighthearted’ response was dismissive and screamed that you didn’t share his feelings and it needed a discussion Confused

You say you are in self preservation mode and you’ve backed off, ironic as it could be perceived that having realised he’d sorely misjudged you and the situation that’s exactly what he’s done!

Now you say you don’t want to do anything to make it look like you care so you’ve only confirmed the impression you gave him that he’d completely misread your intentions and saw him only as a bit of fun and not a relationship!

It’s perfectly possible you’ve both (understandably) misread each other and ar choosing to think the worst.

Booksareforkids19 · 19/09/2018 13:43

If I was being intimate with someone for 6 months, I would definitely consider it a relationship without any “talk.”

Tell him your feelings. If he still blows you off, then he’s being incredibly immature.

Barbayagar · 19/09/2018 13:49

I don't know, to me, his reactions suggest that he didn't want to talk about being in a relationship seriously, which indicates to me he doesn't want that. I wouldn't worry that it was anything you said.

Joysmum · 19/09/2018 13:54

However obvious you think things are from you POV, there’s every possibility that he thinks his thoughts were obvious too.

Either he’s a good guy and this is worth a go at trying to resolve, it he isn’t.

It’s clear from the different perceptions posting in response to you that we are see things very different in life so miscommunication is very common.

I’ve been with my DH 24 years and we still look at the same thing in different ways. Doesn’t mean we are playing games or being deliberately obtuse but what gets us through is faith that we are good people committed to each other so there’s got to be something else going on that we don’t understand.

Original poster
Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 13:58

Yes exactly my thoughts Barba. He has lots of commitments which means he has limited time for me. He did also say that his children would always come infront of me....fine I said. I get that.

I did actually say it would be lovely to know when we would see each other in advance rather than deciding on the day & end up not dping anything because the other party is busy!..,His response...nothing. Yes a headwrecker...

OP posts:
TigerintheTank · 19/09/2018 14:30

This is a really good illustration of how people can fail to communicate even if they think they are.

The thing is I WAS trying to talk to him. I also said that if a full on relationship wasn't what he wanted or could commit to then to tell me.

I'm sure you were but I posted above how I would read what you posted you said. It would give me that chilling "I feel small and squashed inside" feeling that you get when you sense you are about to be rejected.

I don't think you asking him to other stuff helps here. To go back to the analogy -
if the situation was reversed and a man said "are we in a relationship?" and then asked me out/to do stuff. I'd be thinking "he's not interested in a relationship but still wants to see me on a casual basis for a bit of fun/ sex. I like him too much for that so I think I'm better walking away."

I think it is also possible you are misreading what he wants/is saying.

This has all got a bit confusing so I think the only sensible options are (assuming you like him):

      • either speak to him directly about this - preferably face to face but if you can't manage that on the phone along the lines of remember that conversation we had when I said are we in a relationship? it's been bothering me because I think I may have given the wrong impression because ... and since then I've had the impression that you aren't interested..

Speaking to him directly has the down side of potentially making a big deal out of a non issue but the upside of clearing up any misunderstanding.

      • or just wait it out and be as relaxed as you can manage. Keep communication your side open (so he knows you aren't pissed off with him) and without being a stalker or pestering, if time has gone by ask him to something else
      • or just write it off and move on.

I'd put a wodge of cash on there being two way communication issues here. He mistook your meaning/feelings and you mistook his response.

Applesandoranges1 · 19/09/2018 14:48

You need to communicate with each other about what you actually want. Sounds like he fell for you OP and wanted a relationship. He took your response as a rejection and has behaved like a bit of a twat. I wouldn't write it all off just yet. Contact him and tell him how you feel. If he can't do the same then it's time to move on..

Applesandoranges1 · 19/09/2018 14:49

@TigerintheTank said it better than me!

Original poster
Ginbaby · 19/09/2018 14:59

Thank you, it's really good to get a different perspective on the situation. Not sure what to do now....arghhh! He's probably already blocked me even if I did decide to contact him

OP posts:
Joysmum · 19/09/2018 15:34

It’s up to you. You’re the best placed to work out if he’s a twat playing games or whether he might have misinterpreted you and felt rejected and hurt.

If he’s one of the good guys it’s worth a punt at trying to set the record straight. If imthis is just the latest in a kind of other twatty behaviour then you’ve dodged a bullet.

Whatever you decide, best of luck Flowers

Trinity66 · 19/09/2018 15:39

probably had a lucky escape, he sounds pretty..........odd and immature

Redglitter · 19/09/2018 15:40

Happened to me with a 12 year relationship. I'd have coped far better if the spineless prick had broken up with me properly but being ghosted made a horrible situation so much worse. Never did hear from.him again

Trinity66 · 19/09/2018 15:45

wow 12 years Redglitter? That's so cruel

glitterystuff · 19/09/2018 16:01

Ginbaby, after your earlier reply to my comment I can see why it does indeed come across as weird, as if he was so confident you felt the same and you were suggesting defining what was between you, it should've been clear. How odd that he blanked you. I wish I had a better answer but I can only send my sympathy.