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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you deal with husband's other kids?

65 replies

Irinn · 18/09/2018 17:04

Hi everyone!))

My DH has 3 kids from 3 different women (never married) and they live in other countries. He told me about them when we started dating (it was a bit forced confession, but it doesnt matter much) and I cant say that I was happy with that, especially that the "last one" was still pregnant, but I was so much in love and he told me some fairytales (now I know) about how he doesnt want to have anything with her ever and its just she decided to keep that baby. Anyway, at that moment I thought that we will see how it will go. Not so long after I got pregnant (what this man is eating? Grin ), we got married and I moved here, in UK.
So, 2 kids live in South Africa, 5 and 9 yo. He didnt see them for ages and not much in touch, just send money every month. But that last one...Ive seen their chat where he was saying how happy he is and how he is looking forward to that baby to arrive and when I was abroad for few month with our DS, he was inviting her to visit for 2 weeks...I didnt know anything about that.
It all looks like some madness to me. He tells me that he is just trying to be amicable with her. But I absolutely lost my tolerance to that situation and dont have any desire to live and wait when SHE will show up here with that child.

So I'd like to know how does it look in your relations if your DH has kids from previous relations? And what would you suggest me to do?

OP posts:
ISpeakJive · 19/09/2018 08:50

The old, birth control failed eh

Hmm My thoughts exactly.

BitchQueen90 · 19/09/2018 09:12

Well, he's happily left his 3 other kids so I can hardly see him putting up a fight for this one.

Good luck OP. Hmm

Singlenotsingle · 19/09/2018 09:49

Is he Mick Jagger? Are you Jerry Hall? Just one big happy family! Hopefully he's got a lot of money!

Original poster
Irinn · 19/09/2018 09:50

@ShatnersWig I remember what I was writing here and I dont have any illusions about our "living happily ever after". Our relations cracking and every day its just worse. So yes, I have lying abuser, who wants to move out of M25, so my life will be totally miserable. I dont want a coffee, I already sleep quite bad. I need a constructive advice and some support, that fact that I made a bunch of wrong choices I know myself.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 19/09/2018 09:52

But you've been getting constructive advice every time you start a new thread every couple of days. If you stuck to one thread rather than keep starting new ones, people would be able to ensure their advice is accurate to your situation through knowing the whole story.

Original poster
Irinn · 19/09/2018 09:56

@AliceRR thanks for sharing))

OP posts:
Original poster
Irinn · 19/09/2018 10:03

@ShatnersWig yes, you might be right, but the WHOLE story would be too long. And after whole story I will get advice to leave him, which I'm fully agree with and moving towards that. Meanwhile I'd like to know how in other relations situation with kids look like, thats it.

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/09/2018 10:07

It is rather convenient that his children and their mothers are scattered far and wide, never meet, compare notes. Does he ever travel alone "for work"? How did you meet? Is he a UK citizen and are you resident here as his dependant or in your own right?

Original poster
Irinn · 19/09/2018 10:21

@LIZS
Well, he was travelling a lot around the world last 10-12 years. So we met in my country, when he was for work there and later got a job offer in London. He accepted and moved here. We continued dating, he was buying me tickets every second weekend.
He is British, I have spouse visa (his dependent).

He traveled only once for work and I'm sure that he was where he said he was.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 19/09/2018 10:28

Dear god you’ve really scrapped the barrel here haven’t you. Your self confidence must be at an all time low to even entertain a man who literally spreads his seed without a backward glance to the children he helped create.

Heratnumber7 · 19/09/2018 10:41

yes, birth control failed, i didn’t want to have kids/family on that early stage

Then you should have doubled up on contraception, or something, to be 100% sure.

Heratnumber7 · 19/09/2018 10:44

NB, if your child is born in UK, but you are only here on a spouse visa, you will have big problems if you leave your husband after the child is born.

The child will be British. You will lose your right to live here. You need to be sure you can take the child back to your own country after it's born.

You need to get advice on this now.

Original poster
Irinn · 19/09/2018 11:22

@Heratnumber7 do you know what exactly the problem can be? British citizenship is given because father is British, it doesn’t matter if baby was born here. I can make him passport of my country as well, so how it will be then?
BTW do you know where can i get an advice?

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/09/2018 11:24

Women's Aid should be able to signpost you to an organisation regarding legalities as well as support you.

Original poster
Irinn · 19/09/2018 11:43

@Snappedandfarted2018 and what is your message here? my selfconfidence is fine. I didnt start dating shitty man, he was great, but things changed and due to presence of selfconfidence I want to finish them.
I dont think that having relations with man who has kids is scrapping the barrel. Many people have kids... And I was not aware of multiple things until this summer.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 19/09/2018 11:56

Seriously what do you expect op you got with a man who had 3 dc to 3 different women around the world one of which was still pregnant, you then complain when you get pregnant as someone said on several threads it’s just grim. PP put it quite rightly there’s so many red flags there’s buntin. He has been reckless in gathering several children some he doesn’t even see and you can’t fail to understand why people would view him as negative? Plenty of people have successful relationship with people who have dc normally because they have decent relationships with them rather than swanning off and impregnating the next woman.

Original poster
Irinn · 19/09/2018 12:23

@Snappedandfarted2018 first of all, I dont complaint about getting pregnant. I was there too and had to protect myself better. So I realize my responsibility for that. Thats actually the only thing I dont have regrets about in our relations. I would keep the baby anyway and if I would know what he was doing behind my back I would finish that back then. I was not desperate to get married or move to UK. I had a great job and could easily support myself and baby.

I see him negative as well, but not for having kids. They live far and he cant visit them on weekends. He sends money to them and chat online. So that was not a big red flag for me. About pregnant exgf - yes, I wasnt amused with situation, but as I said earlier: I wanted to see how it will go as what he told me was that she told him that she is taking pill and after she stopped (or maybe didnt start ever) and didnt tell him, and when she got pregnant she said that she didnt tell anything because she decided that she is ready to be a mom. So for me it sounded pretty sick and I thought that this woman is quite mental (I still think so considering what she was writing to him). And yes, silly me, I bought that and stayed with my "poorvictimofthatcrazywoman".
Before I moved here, he was absolutely different, I wasnt leaving my happy life to live with abuser, which lying to me about everything.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 19/09/2018 12:27

Does nobody ever use condoms anymore?

Snappedandfarted2018 · 19/09/2018 12:38

Twist I don’t think so 🤣 op stop making excuse regardless he had dc in several different countries it’s clear he doesn’t value fatherhood. It’s abit crass to blame his ex with his track record and say she’s is mentally unwell.

Heratnumber7 · 19/09/2018 12:42

I'm not an expert OP. However, you may find that, for example, you can't take the baby out of the country without the father's permission.
You may find it's complicated to apply for a ppt of either nationality for the child.

You need legal advice

Heratnumber7 · 19/09/2018 12:43

If you prefer to stay in uk, but not stay married, you may be deported before you've had time to apply for a ppt for the child.

TwistedStitch · 19/09/2018 12:44

Maybe I'm getting old but it's just grim. This bloke already had 2 kids by 2 women living in different countries yet took a 3rd woman's word that she was on the pill instead of wearing his own protection? It's not as if he didn't know what the outcome could be. And then whatever birth control 'failed' for the OP it was clearly ineffective enough to let semen through. Even if you take a cavalier approach to creating life what about disease?

Charlie97 · 19/09/2018 12:52

Wow what is he eating???

Ffs!

He needs to learn how to use contraception!

Charlie97 · 19/09/2018 13:05

Just read your other threads...

Honestly leave now!

He's already shagging someone else and baby no 5 will be on the way soon.

Also get an STI check?

Don't worry about how his other children should be treated, worry and make certain you and yours get treated properly!

peachgreen · 19/09/2018 13:09

Leave. Go back to your home country and have the baby there. Get your job back. He won't fight for your child, just like he hasn't fought for any of the other ones. He's a scumbag.