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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally told MIL what I think of her

31 replies

JuJu2017 · 18/09/2018 09:44

After years of feeling like my DH’s family think I’m some kind of maid for my DH’s family (MIL only ever speaks to me when they want something from me/when I’m doing something for them. any other time it’s just all about her and I’m just expected to sit and listen and nod along. If I speak and she doesn’t want to listen, she’ll talk over me etc, completely ignore me ...), I finally had it out with my MIL yesterday. Previously it’s always been through my husband but yesterday I had enough. When MIL had a go at me for not thinking of her by not tagging her in a pic on fb (!!!!!) I snapped and clearly reminded her of all the times she hasn’t thought of me. At first I felt amazing but now I think I may Have I just caused world war three. Will this be good for us all in the end? Has anyone had it out with their MIL and had a good outcome?

OP posts:
peekyboo · 18/09/2018 09:49

You're only human and this sort of reaction was bound to happen eventually. Hopefully your husband will understand but if the MIL and the rest of the family fall out with you, is it a great loss?

It'll probably blow over. It's up to you to decide what happens next, though. Do you want to make things ok again, if that means rolling over and not addressing what's gone on?

Whatever you do, try to build on what has happened to make things better for you and your little family unit.

wotsit99 · 18/09/2018 09:57

Well done for claiming your boundaries. It's unhealthy for you to let someone treat you badly, just because you want to avoid conflict in the family. She is the cause of this situation not you.
Now to see how your DH deals with this, hopefully he will stand up for you.

Doingreat · 18/09/2018 10:45

I have never ever regretted standing up for myself and i don't care if it causes problems for other people. I've regretted NOT standing up for myself when I was a doormat. I've generally found that when you start drawing boundaries people respect you more. There may be an initial negative reaction from your mil or other family members but in the long run she and others will respect you as an individual.

Yoksha · 18/09/2018 11:28

My youngest Dd is going through this atm. I'm observing her emotional hurt to all of this as similar to grief. I've suggested she go low contact till she gets herself stronger. Then see how she fairs.

Her m-il is undergoing treatment for cancer at the moment and has ramped up her nastiness. Because Dd2 has disengaged, she has now become non-existent in the family dynamics.

What is f***g wrong with these people? I would never dream of spewing such toxic shite on my Dd's husbands. I feel like slapping her silly for what she's doing to my Dd. But that wouldn't help. I just have to build her up with healthy coping mechanisms I've picked up from threads on Mumsnet. Hopefully it will be a case of 'faking it till she makes it.

For you OPFlowers & others with disagreeable parents-in-law.

ravenmum · 18/09/2018 11:37

I've got along much better with my FIL since being "honest" with him - though only because I've also been pleasant to him where appropriate, and because he has a decent side too (apart from the madly irritating one).

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 18/09/2018 11:45

Thank you all!
I’ve spent years feeling sad and crying and going above and beyond to prove my worth because I just don’t feel like a member of the family and to be acccused of leaving her out is just ridiculous. We’ve had a few issues recently of her not seeing my children but seeing SILs, even though she’s always welcome here and we have offered to take DSs to her. She didn’t like this and yesterday when I posted a picture of DS and only tagged my dad in it (who we were out with at the time) she tried to say the reason she hasn’t been to see them is because I don’t include her and me not tagging her in the pic is proof of it. Honestly it is ridiculous because it’s really not the case! I’ve recently had a miscarriage and she hasn’t even been slightly interested in offering support, emotional or otherwise, and it’s all been forgotten about. The other day was what would have been my 12 week appointment and she was showing me photos of newborn babies and pregnant people at work without even thinking that it might upset me.
Husband is on my side at the moment but I feel like now she’ll frame the fact that she doesn’t see the kids as a response to me having a go at her and not just apologising and amending the tag.

OP posts:
woollyheart · 18/09/2018 12:05

Are you normally a fairly quiet person? Maybe she is not sure what to make of you...
In the long term, it won't do any harm if she is aware that you have feelings too.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/09/2018 12:08

How did she react when you brought this up?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2018 12:12

Well done for sticking up for yourself.

ravenmum · 18/09/2018 12:12

Sometimes you just have to accept that other people will have weird ideas about you however much of a wonderful person you are. You can't make people think a certain way about you. And you don't have to prove you are perfect. No-one is perfect.

I never tag anything or respond to FB stuff. If anyone is offended or reads anything whatsoever into that, then they have a problem, not me.

You're feeling a bit delicate at the moment, might be a good idea to wrap yourself in cotton wool and stay off the social media for a bit.

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 18/09/2018 12:45

She put a sarcasfic comment on the post and I don’t think she expected anything but I then messaged her asking her not to make her nasty comments public and she just put whatever [redacted] and I said I’m sorry I didn’t tag and she put you forgot I’m his fucking nan? Whatever and then it went from there and ended with her basically blaming me not seeing the kids for months on me not tagging her yesterday. She hasn’t apologised but she didn’t reply to my final message that outlined everything I do so I don’t know where she’s at with me now tbh

This post was edited by MNHQ at OP's request

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2018 12:52

I would ignore her going forward. Let her stew in her own juice; half the time these people actively want a response and to them that is the reward here.

Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

beeefcake · 18/09/2018 13:00

Did you do it over Facebook or face to face?

Hissy · 18/09/2018 13:01

Oh just defriend her and be done with it, it's not a law that you have to have everyone you know on FB. Just say all your FB friends are adults and you're not interested in passive aggressive snarky comments because you are not in the playground anymore.

ravenmum · 18/09/2018 13:05

It's not exactly like she's making a carefully argued, well-crafted salient point that you should consider out of respect, is it?

ShirleyPhallus · 18/09/2018 13:05

You might wanna get your name removed from that last post OP

IceCreamSunday87 · 18/09/2018 13:11

Yeh I would delete and block her, silly woman. I don't think you should have apologised for not tagging her, just explained that your dad was tagged because he was there.
Good for you on standing up to her though! Seems like she's trying to make/cause drama where there is none.
I would leave it now and see what happens. Maybe go low contact. We can't change how people behave towards us, but we can certainly change our reactions to them. Flowers

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 18/09/2018 13:16

Delete and block her on Facebook. And do the same to anyone else who makes your life miserable. Don't apologize and don't explain. Life is too short for this shit. Leave your DH to deal with her and go no contact. You're not obliged to have any relationship with them at all. You will feel a million dollars for standing up for yourself and marvel at your new peaceful life.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 18/09/2018 13:25

So sorry for your loss (mc?). Flowers

She has been treating you as if you were invisible. Yet she wants recognition. That’s a double standard. Nope. What you did was the right thing to do.

Now, I would have posting diarrhea and never tag her again (but that’s just me). She set herself up for this and richly deserves it (showing you photos at a sensitive time-what a bitch!) Any response from her would just be her showing her ass-not to do with you. Let your dh post and tag her. His family, his circus/monkeys.

And generally moving forward, distance yourself. Zero expectations help achieve zero disappointments. The other adult children can have her and be the ones to wipe her fanny when that time comes.

Bitter, moi? I was invisible too. Mil orchestrated everyone else to treat me as a misfit too. She has passed; I can’t say I’m sorry.

ThankyouLinus · 18/09/2018 13:37

Wow, she sounds vile! Well done for standing up for yourself. Sorry you're going through a hard time Flowers

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 18/09/2018 15:49

Although hearing so many of you have similar stories bolsters my resolve and makes me feel like I’m not alone, it is horrible to think that so many of us are being made to feel like shit by MILs! Why do they do it?! I only have boys so the chances of me getting a daughter in law one day are quite high and I just couldn’t imagine being like that! Why is it that they just think of us commodities and not actual people with feelings, let alone members of their families? One of the problems with my MIL is that she’s always favoured her daughter and has admitted to never wanting sons so I think that’s one of the reasons she’s like she is; she isn’t great with DH either
She’s being rude to DH too now. Our house is full of her crap from when she moved house. He asked her if she’d managed to sort out moving the stuff yesterday (bad timing maybe considering our argument but honestly not nasty on DH’s part as he didn’t know at this point!) and he said she’s being arsey with him now and saying we use her! It just doesn’t make sense.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 18/09/2018 15:56

Can you dump her stuff on her doorstep?

Pinkdragon1 · 18/09/2018 17:19

I'm just going through a divorce and realised one of the best things about it is that I no longer have to have anything to do with MIL. She's been vile to me for years and I put up with it quietly for a long time - several times things came up because STBXH would present problems he had with her as problems I had with her (which was really horrible of him), but on the whole I kept quiet for the sake of peace. It has been bad for my mental health though - keeping anything inside like that is damaging, especially when you are on the receieving end of constant negativity. So I was delighted when I could just quietly unfriend her on facebook and know I never needed to have contact again. STBX then went to hers for a family do and one of his siblings mentioned that I was no longer friends with MIL on f/book but was still friends with the rest of his family - so it was assumed she'd done the unfriending. So the silly woman sent me a friend request - even though she knew I'd unfriended her! I messaged her and explained for the last time why I was not going to have contact with her again or accept her friend request and how miserable she had been about our relationship and totally unsupportive. She went balistic and told me how 'dare' I speak to her like that, and then a huge long message making lots of excuses for why she had had such a hard time and thus been unsupportive and unfriendly. I've never bothered to reply, I said my piece and she has never been remotely interested inmy view,just wants to say her piece and shut me down - but just having been able to get it off my chest and say it lifted years of horribleness away very quickly. You have to maintain a relationship with her I imagine so are in a much harder position than I was - but you did the right thing to say your side. Give it time, let her calm down and be very grateful that your DH sounds like he is supportive - it may or may not blow over, but at least you are no longer her doormat. I do not understand how people can behave like this to someone their child loves, it makes absolutely no sense at all and is so sad for the target of their nastiness.

dancingintherain1111 · 18/09/2018 17:24

Well done you, wish I'd had the guts to do this years ago. Thankfully I'm single now so only have ex-MILs but I used to fantasise about finally snapping and not being such a door mat.

Angrybird345 · 18/09/2018 19:55

Well done you!