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Original poster

It's been a month since I discovered his affair

50 replies

messymessymessyM · 17/09/2018 23:53

And I’m struggling still.

Married for yonks, he's done it once before many many years ago but this one seemed different, saw their emails full of playful banter and he told her he loved her, so playful, so many inside jokes and it hurt to read you know? The joy in their exchanges.

Confronted her, she is younger but not silly girl young, she seemed shocked, tried to catch out her and fish to see if meant nothing but i could tell it did mean something by the way she was, apologetic and not spiteful but not like the scales fell off. Can't see what she wanted from him, he's nothing special and she's not his type, think middle aged man who looks and acts it with a artsy little thing. Most odd...

Told her to leave us alone that he is mine and she agreed she would and she has of that I'm sure, I'm monitoring everything since he confessed.

He is starting off into the distance and playing good but I can tell he's not here, they ended badly because of circumstances and I thought that would be enough to pull him out of the fog and see it for what it was.. But I don't know what it was and he told her he felt trapped which she said is the only negative thing he said about me, I think he must feel that 100x more now but tough shit.

I feel sad that he must still think of her and probably would have gone for good if it wasn't for kids and money and his image. How do you get past that?

OP posts:
cactusplant · 17/09/2018 23:55

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're trying to make it work but you know it won't, and trying to keep him there when you know he doesn't want to be.
If it were me I would end things. How can you ever trust this man again?

Original poster
messymessymessyM · 18/09/2018 00:00

The thing is, it will work. He’ll never leave me because he's too worried about kids and how it would look to the rest of the world, money is a big pull too. He’d lose too much to leave. He wants to probably but wont, bitter pill to swallow.

Trust - shattered but can keep tabs.. Also think he's too scared to risk it again.

Been at the wine sorry if hard to read

OP posts:
NiamhNaomh · 18/09/2018 00:04

Oh Messy why? Why are you putting up with this? You have choices? You can walk away. He does not deserve you. You are worth way more than a cheating partner.

Original poster
messymessymessyM · 18/09/2018 00:06

Same reason he is I suppose.. Kids, money, social standing. Don't want to start again at 50+

OP posts:
MaryandMichael · 18/09/2018 00:15

I'm 60 and alone.
It's fucking ace a lot of the time.
Get some of that for yourself. And access his money, pension whatever. Divorce, with a good settlement.

"Told her to leave us alone that he is mine" - I can kind of understand why a person might do that, but he isn't 'yours'. People can't own each other. I would not be impressed if some woman said that to me. I don't want husbands, but that's a choice not a recognition of someone else's ownership of them. Your problem, as they say here on MN, is with your DH, not with the OW.

Bouledeneige · 18/09/2018 00:18

Well it sounds pretty miserable to both be trapped in a marriage because of how it looks, the kids etc. Won't being in a loveless home impact on your children for their expectations of future relationships? I remember friends at University saying how their parents should have split up.

Why do you want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you? This is not meant in a judgey way - it just seems desperately sad. Is that what you really want for the rest of your life? What about making yourself happy?

pumkinspicetime · 18/09/2018 00:25

My DPs separated in their 50's, now both with others and both much happier. It doesn't seem like much of a way to live unless you both want to work at making it better. Would you not be happier alone?

Original poster
messymessymessyM · 18/09/2018 00:32

Its confusing because he's a good man, we did things together with friends, Lots of friends where we live, holidays etc not like our marriage is that bad, little sex but he's a bit of a prude tbh and doesn't have a high sex drive. I come back to him feeling trapped.. I don't understand, maybe grown apart but friendship still there and he loves her but not enough to destroy his life which isn't too bad? I don't know.

I don't blame OW, anger towards her of course but from reading their emails, he went back when she ended it first time. He asked her to help him leave but most have backed out at crunch time..

OP posts:
pallisers · 18/09/2018 00:35

Same reason he is I suppose.. Kids, money, social standing. Don't want to start again at 50+

Do you want to spend the next 20 years knowing what you know and still living with him? Then maybe 5 years of your late 70s nursing him - a man you don't love and who doesn't love you. And then at 80 think "I could have had 30 years of a life of my own or a life with someone else"

And tbh I would worry about the atmosphere your children are imbibing. I doubt both of you are oscar-winning actors so your kids - whether they be teens or young adults - know there is something deeply off about your relationship. Would you want your daughters to stick with a man like this?

Original poster
messymessymessyM · 18/09/2018 00:37

I think I'm more confused than anything.

Why her? When she isn't his type at all!!

What did she want?

Does he miss her even though it ended badly. My therapist said it would have opened his eyes and he won't be thinking about her positively and there seemed anger and blame towards her a few weeks ago and now pitiful silence and gazing into the distance, think he thought she’d put up a fight and he's heard sweet FA and now he's sad, human nature.. I dealt with the end so no closure on either side, worried one or the other will reach out when I'm not paying attention

OP posts:
Original poster
messymessymessyM · 18/09/2018 00:40

Better to live with friendship and all that's come from a life build with hard work surely. Blame work stress on the current atmosphere and hope things settle down. So much to throw away.

OP posts:
cactusplant · 18/09/2018 00:46

I'm so sorry and I don't mean it in a mean way but you sound so deluded Sad

Bodear · 18/09/2018 00:55

Oh messy. I’m so sad for you. You are worth so much more than this sham of a relationship. You can’t make him want to be with you. And he doesn’t want you; he was just too scared to leave.

springydaff · 18/09/2018 00:56

Oh love. He felt 'trapped' bcs he wants to be free of all responsibility and do what he pleases. Can you not see that?

You're focusing too much on her. He's the selfish pig who wants his cake and wants to eat it. That's all. There's nothing special or mysterious about it.

Original poster
messymessymessyM · 18/09/2018 01:01

Midlife crisis is what my therapist says. That he will be ok.

Maybe when the youngest is gone I can take him for everything but we had plans. Why would he want to piss it all away? Thinking with his cock or love? He's not stupid, I think it was the latter. I should leave but im scared and its not fucking fair

OP posts:
Original poster
messymessymessyM · 18/09/2018 01:05

Stalking her online, she seems ok, hiding any upset well. Wonder if he stalks her when at work, won't help him he’ll feel all the more forgotten.. Maybe that's what's set him off, she's living still and he's ”trapped”.

I'm going to see a solicitor

OP posts:
Babymamamama · 18/09/2018 01:08

Why would you tell her he is yours? He really isn't if he doesn't choose to be. I don't know why you would have to send off the other woman in such a territorial fashion. I would have sent him off instead. For good. He felt trapped so set him free no?

Original poster
messymessymessyM · 18/09/2018 01:12

I regret the entire exchange, she caught me out lying about things to fish out details and acted like a nutter then looked weak.. she looked confused and almost pitiful. I cringe.

I hate him. Why such a mess for some sex

OP posts:
Joysmum · 18/09/2018 02:14

He may still be at home but you lost him years ago. He’s not there for you, he’s there for his kids. It’d be sad if you think that’s acceptable to you.

Tattybear16 · 18/09/2018 02:17

Please stop focusing on the ow and start focusing on your kids. Why would you want your kids to live in this environment. You are unhappy and the kids know it. Let him go, you and your kids deserve better. Lay off the wine you need to think straight, your kids may need you. Read back your original post, if this was one of your kids saying this you’d tell them to pack his bags and chuck him out.

user764329056 · 18/09/2018 02:34

Sounds a thoroughly broken way to live OP, I don’t think either of you really want to be there, don’t waste rest of your life with this sadness and unfulfilling way of being, seems like you’re both unhappy, I am in my 50s and single, sure there are lonely times but I would never trade it for an unhappy relationship, THAT’S loneliness, good luck whatever you decide to do or not do

gimeallthecake · 18/09/2018 02:43

Oh gosh don't do the social media stalking it can't be good for you xxx it sounds like your going through a really tough time do you have anyone to speak to in RL?

Bodear · 18/09/2018 04:46

I think maybe you need to re-evaluate your choice of therapist. Do you have any friends in rl you can discuss this with?

changeoflife · 18/09/2018 05:16

My mum did exactly what you are doing, stayed with my dad despite an affair for all the reasons you have cited - money, social status, kids etc. Now at 70 is going through the most horrific separation at a time of her life when she should be enjoying life, be settled and at peace, having spent the last 20 years of her life miserable. Constantly suspicious, never quite sure, on edge all the time.

Personally I can't imagine anything worse. I know you h has made vows to you but he is not "yours" per se. No one owns another human being and if he wants to be somewhere else why would you belittle yourself by demanding he stay with you? You deserve more than that!! Get some dignity, hold your head up high and see a solicitor!!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 18/09/2018 05:27

@messymessymessyM end things! He clearly loves her not your.

As for saying you stay together for the kids, that's awful. Your unhappiness will be noticed by them and isn't healthy for them.

And social standing?! Jesus Christ this isn't the 70s. Loads of people are divorced now.

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