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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's been a month since I discovered his affair

50 replies

messymessymessyM · 17/09/2018 23:53

And I’m struggling still.

Married for yonks, he's done it once before many many years ago but this one seemed different, saw their emails full of playful banter and he told her he loved her, so playful, so many inside jokes and it hurt to read you know? The joy in their exchanges.

Confronted her, she is younger but not silly girl young, she seemed shocked, tried to catch out her and fish to see if meant nothing but i could tell it did mean something by the way she was, apologetic and not spiteful but not like the scales fell off. Can't see what she wanted from him, he's nothing special and she's not his type, think middle aged man who looks and acts it with a artsy little thing. Most odd...

Told her to leave us alone that he is mine and she agreed she would and she has of that I'm sure, I'm monitoring everything since he confessed.

He is starting off into the distance and playing good but I can tell he's not here, they ended badly because of circumstances and I thought that would be enough to pull him out of the fog and see it for what it was.. But I don't know what it was and he told her he felt trapped which she said is the only negative thing he said about me, I think he must feel that 100x more now but tough shit.

I feel sad that he must still think of her and probably would have gone for good if it wasn't for kids and money and his image. How do you get past that?

OP posts:

Funicorn · 18/09/2018 06:50

Why such a mess for some sex

This is where you are not grasping what an affair can be about - it's not "some sex " . It is the attention they get , the feeling of being valued , the feeling that they deserve it , the feeling that someone wants them , the fun of a new relationship and yes sometimes people just meet someone that they really really like .

You are trying to control a situation where there are two people involved and you cannot . You cannot force people to think or act in a certain way . Your therapist sounds shit I have to say. I see your hurt and your confusion in your posts and your hope but really you do deserve better than this . Do you want to be with a man who is thinking about someone else because this is what they do ? Who runs off to see her the minute your back is turned ?

PouchofDouglas · 18/09/2018 06:51

Why did you challenge her not him?

PouchofDouglas · 18/09/2018 06:53

You say you have “Little sex” I bet her has masses with her. Imo that’s the root of this.

TeacupTattoo · 18/09/2018 07:16

Do you not understand just how short life is? This man does not respect you, he uses you. You are not friends, he choose to lie and cheat rather than be honest and leave you. And you are a fool if you think your behaviours haven't affected your children. Find your dignity. And, change the dismissive way you look at people "artsy little thing"? How about imaginative and independent woman? It's not her fault he is a shit. Your children will still love you, family and true friends still care, why would you want to be in the same room as somebody who mistreats you? I wish you all the luck, and strength to find yourself.

RainySeptember · 18/09/2018 07:43

Oh op, I know it's a cliche but you only get one short life and then you're a long time dead.

Why waste what's left of yours on someone who could do that to you, who even now expects you to tolerate him mourning the loss of her? Sure, you can bind him to you by keeping tabs, telling him what he stands to lose, wait for him to get too old to care about chasing other women, but why on earth would you want that?

I hope you find the strength to get shot of him I really do. I'd much rather be alone than with a deceitful selfish shitbag.

Original poster

messymessymessyM · 22/09/2018 21:22

Thanks for all the messages. I'm thinking a lot. I feel he loves her in some capacity and im second best, I have spoken to a solicitor but im trying to.get to grips with a life so different than I expected and want.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 22/09/2018 23:25

OP - it all sounds messy and sad.
There is a book by a therapist that works with relationships/affairs. It talks a lot about various reasons and ways of overcoming them as a couple.
But the bit I was reminded of in your posts - is what she has observed in the families that stay together. She classes them into three groups:

Sufferers - those that never get to the bottom, or get over, and plough long unhappily, hurting each other
Survivors (or something like that) - those that manage to leave it in the past and huddle around a common goal - kids, future, etc.

-Marriage 2.0 - those who re-assess their relationship and build a ‘new marriage’

What you are describing - where you are going is the worst outcome.
Long years of unhappiness, on both sides.

If you want I stay together - at least do some searching as a couple, figure out what each of you want from the relationship, what’s left of it... Maybe there is still something that can be saved.

As to your ability to prevent this happening again - without evolving as a couple - it’s impossible. No controls are absolute, unless you chain yourself to him. He is unhappy, it’s clear. He’ll look for a release again. In another way. Possibly with another person. You won’t be able to stop it.
And then, when he is unhappy enough, and kids grow up and leave - he’ll leave.

Sorry.

ladamanera · 22/09/2018 23:35

SandyY2K · 23/09/2018 00:53

I feel sad that he must still think of her and probably would have gone for good if it wasn't for kids and money and his image.

I'd take him for every dime.
I could not stay in a marriage knowing or feeling hevwas there for those reasons.

I'll also never warn another woman of my man. If he doesnt know he's mine...then he can bugger off. Its just not my personality...but it was brave of you and good to let her know you are real...with feelings, not some mythical creature.

How do you get past that?

By leaving the marriage.

What consequences has he faced?

SandyY2K · 23/09/2018 01:01

He asked her to help him leave

Seriously!

I'd tell him no help is required. I'd file for a divorce...because I'd lose respect for him.

If I stayed...it would be for temporary convenience and I'd declare our intimate relationship over and have one foot out of the door and let him know I consider myself free to date.

At the end of the day...he's the one who will pay the price in a divorce ££££££££.

onlykinda · 23/09/2018 07:32

He is clearly not your man. He has been with others so obviously does not deserve that tag. He is with you but not yours. To even claim that shows you are trying to win him. You are laying claim to someone and warning others off, like a dog protecting a bone. You are playing the 'pick me' dance but in the end, what are you going to win? A man you do not trust and a life with a status (which will eat at you as you know it is false).

Themidnightcircus · 23/09/2018 07:38

I'd let him go. I feel slight sympathy for him as he clearly didn't want to be with you but you've almost forced him to stay.

aybeeseedee · 23/09/2018 07:39

Please don't waste your life on this man, you deserve better.

Yogagirl123 · 23/09/2018 07:57

You can’t make someone love and stay with you.

Why would you care what others think? They haven’t got to live with the betrayal and heartbreak.

It’s totally pointless to stay in a marriage without trust.

You both sound unhappy and sadly I don’t think it won’t be too long before your DH initiates a further affair, particularly if it is sex driven.

So sorry OP.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2018 08:06

Your therapist should be struck off

Waddsup12 · 23/09/2018 08:10

Erm, I'd stuff this take him for everything nonsense. Normally I'm in the ltb/shl camp but your situation is just sad. Get it fixed.

Be kind & compassionate as you're not getting much love, he sounds lost & currently he is broken-hearted.

If they had banter & playfulness, it wasn't a sex thing, it was love. He's not a possession, set him free. Keeping a broken spirit is cruel on both of you.

There seems to be an emphasis on status & material things, work out an arrangement that suits & helps the kids. The atmosphere must be awful & kids aren't stupid. You're both grown ups, behave in a dignified fashion.

You wouldn't be starting again, as you have kids, money, house, it's just the H who has gone. And he's already gone, don't be settling for sloppy seconds.

Waddsup12 · 23/09/2018 08:16

You can't even be decent friends if you're stalking, keeping tabs & ending things for him. Sounds remarkably unhealthy.

bastardkitty · 23/09/2018 08:16

I agree about the therapist. Sounds clueless. You sound completely wrapped up in a fantasy world OP. That's not meant to sound so mean but you're completely in denial and your therapist is colluding with you, if what you've said is accurate.

Sally2791 · 23/09/2018 08:23

Whereas I can understand your instinctive reaction in warning her off, you cannot "own" another person, nor is it desirable to aim to do so,it will just end miserably. Of course it's not the future you had planned, but it will be ultimately better -can you imagine policing him constantly? Try and think what advice you would give a good friend or daughter in this situation.Split the assets,forget the status, your self worth comes from within,and leave.

Sadli · 23/09/2018 08:33

He has been terrible to you OP, there is no excuse for cheating. Buy your reaction sounds very controlling 'he is mine'?! Even in marriage your spouse is not your possession. 'She is not his type' again, he is his own person and it's not your decision.

You can decide what to do with your life though, staying for social standing etc would be a sad way to live imo, I'd rather have less money and status than stay with someone who treats me as second best.

SandyY2K · 23/09/2018 09:21

My therapist said it would have opened his eyes and he won't be thinking about her positively

Your therapist really shouldn't be telling you what he thinks. S/he doesn't know his thoughts without speaking with him.

You say she's not his type. I often hear that...but perhaps he was looking for something different.

People often go for opposites to their spouse in affairs.

No matter how much I loved my DH, if he loved another woman...is tell him to go...follow his heart...because I'm taking myself out of the equation and am no longer an option.

It would be soul destroying and erode your self esteem to stay in this situation.

Wetsundayagain · 23/09/2018 10:07

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DH to see if you’re both 100% committed to trying to make it work - it’s a lot to throw away after a lifetime together.

Don’t make any decision in haste and don’t be swayed by the LTB posts - you need to think what life would be like if you go through with it - you may meet someone new you may not. There have been follow up posts on here from people who have followed the LTB advice and said they’d hugely regretted it.

It may be the correct course of action for you but you need to be 100% certain it’s what you want before raising it. As a lot of posters say life is too short to be unhappy, but things can be fixed if both are committed and the alternative may not necessarily be any better.

FrameyMcFrame · 23/09/2018 10:21

Oh no, just tell him to leave.

He'll run straight back to the younger woman, then in a few months he'll be really regretting it when the novelty wears off.
He'll want to come back and act like nothing happened.

I have heard and seen this story over and over again.

blankiesandunicorns · 23/09/2018 16:34

Echoing what others say about you deserving better, but then I think you know that.

Also your therapist sounds really odd and unprofessional

Waddsup12 · 23/09/2018 16:43

No therapist should speculate on a "midlife crisis" of a non-client.

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