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Original poster

Husband impatient with my epilepsy side effects.

51 replies

Bloomcounty · 17/09/2018 21:17

I have temporal lobe epilepsy, controlled with medication, and one of the main side effects I have now (from both the epilepsy AND the medication) is a really poor memory and poor concentration.

Normally my husband is pretty supportive, although he does roll his eyes a lot when I've forgotten something "yet again". I use a diary, notepads, I leave myself notes on the stairs etc where I'll see them, and things should go on a calendar in the hall. Apparently last week he told me he was going to spend this evening in the pub with his mates. He mentioned it again to me this morning, and at that point I could not remember him telling me about it last week. I have no memory of being told, at all.

This afternoon he got home from work just after 5pm. He sat with me to have a cup of tea, and a chat about a few things, then went upstairs at about 6.30 to shower and change (he works a manual job) whilst I cooked dinner.

I was wondering why he seemed really anxious about dinner at 7.45.....it was almost ready, but not quite. Then, at 7.55 he suddenly said he had to go, he'd be late. I must have looked at him blankly because he just erupted, saying he'd told me this effing morning that he was going to the pub at 8, and he was pissed off with me.

I did ask why hadn't he said it again when he came in. Apparently I should have remembered it from this morning. He shouldn't have to remind me of everything all the time. I asked again why he hadn't even mentioned it when he got in, as I could have had tea on an hour before I did instead of chatting with him and making him a cuppa, and I just got "oh it's my effing fault now is it?" snarled at me. I feel shit. I feel absolutely shit. I genuinely can't help not remembering, and now I'm sitting here in tears whilst he's in the pub with his mates and probably blaming me for his being 5 minutes late.

I don't know what I should do. I take all the tablets. I try, as much as I can, to remember everything I have to. I probably didn't remember this trip to the pub tonight because I wasn't going to go. I suppose he could accuse me of not caring, but he was in the house for almost three hours before he reminded me about it.

I'm sorry, I just needed to let off a little rant. He's not a pub goer normally or a drinker, and they were meeting up to organise an overseas trip, so yes, it is important to him, but all he had to do is give me a wee reminder earlier. Is that too much to ask?

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 17/09/2018 21:24

I have a dh with epilepsy and another condition. Generally it's fine but there are moments in time with a chronic condition when it can be wearing. (He has different symptoms/side effects to you).
Do you have a smart phone?
Could you use a calendar reminder so an alarm goes off.
Or something like wonderlist?
It's hard being responsible for someone else even if the responsibility is just to remind them. Technology could solve some of this.

bjs2310 · 17/09/2018 21:59

I have a condition that affects my memory too. Today I had to call my husband at work because I had forgotten the pin to my bank card that I've had for 20 years.

He gets impatient (although not today), but then so do I with myself. It's not your fault. I tell my husband if it's not on the calendar don't expect me to remember - write it down, don't tell me.

Original poster
Bloomcounty · 17/09/2018 22:01

Wunderlist looks very useful, thank you. I assume you can sync two phones, so he can add a thing to a to do list, and I can see it?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 17/09/2018 22:03

GET A CALENDAR.
Hang it up in the middle of the kitchen, put everything on it. Any letter/ school notes/ appointment/ night out, write it immediately on the calendar.
Any medication, reminder, holiday or birthday, write it on the calendar.

Organised mum so lovely ones. Get the MONTHLY CALENDAR.

Original poster
Bloomcounty · 17/09/2018 22:04

We've a calendar in the hall. He didn't put this evening on it.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 17/09/2018 22:06

I have memory issues and concentration problems and DH sometimes gets annoyed with me - I get it, it can be really annoyingly!

We use Google Keep on our phones - we can each create a list and share it with the other and add things to it. I find it really helpful.

AwdBovril · 17/09/2018 22:15

It's rubbish isn't it. I have a take epilepsy meds (I'm not epileptic but mine is also a neurological disorder). The side effects are so difficult to cope with sometimes, in addition to the illness itself. DH knows that if he wants me to remember something, he has to put it on the calendar; it's his responsibility to do it. If it's my thing, I do it. I am going to look at wunderlist too.

Damia · 17/09/2018 22:20

I have the same condition you do. My husband is disabled and takes lots of medication and if anything is worse than me! I use my phone calendar to manage myself quite well. And we make sure anything we both need to remember about is on both calendars. Just blaming your husband is useless. Get a better system in place

3luckystars · 17/09/2018 22:21

If he didn’t put it on the calendar then it’s his fault entirely.

Agentornika · 17/09/2018 22:25

How's your relationship in general? The cynic in me is thinking that maybe he didn't tell you at all...

Squidgee · 17/09/2018 22:27

if he didn't put it on the calendar, its his fault.

Haireverywhere · 17/09/2018 22:29

My DH has some mild memory issues as a side effect of another condition. It can be very trying to have to remind him to put stuff on our shared electronic calendar because he finds it upsetting to acknowledge he has memory problems in the first place.

if I forget to put stuff on there I try to be patient because it's a team effort and I mess up too at times.

Get as many devices as you can. We use stuff from various charity websites related to his condition.

Haireverywhere · 17/09/2018 22:30

Sorry I meant he tries to be patient if I forget too.

InProgress · 17/09/2018 22:34

I found I forget to look at the kitchen calendar so I've taken to using reminder notifications on my phone and set loads of alarms that repeat each week eg reminder to take food into work for the buffet, alarms for when the DCs swimming is almost finished.

I wish I didn't need them, that my head could remember important stuff but it can't and I can't. So alarms and reminders it is.

TheDarkPassenger · 18/09/2018 00:03

I’m the same op (though not epilepsy, bipolar) and I literally write everything, EVERYTHING down in my little handheld diary. I write that I’ve put petrol in the car today and when I’ll be expected to put more in, I write that the boys room needs a good dusting tomorrow, I write that I’ve bought something and where I’ve put it.. literally everything or I will forget and I will lose things.
Alarms on phone is also a good thing for last minute stuff (for example someone asks to borrow something and I know ill see them tomorrow at 4pm or even I’ve put something on charge and to remember that I need to go get it before I go somewhere)

On the flip side, my partner struggles with his memory (no idea why, although he seems to remember work commitments well enoughHmm) and I get so so mad at him sometimes, I know it’s just frustration, I’m not actually angry.
My partner doesn’t rely on me for anything so that eases my load a lot.. there’s no real need for him to get mad about me forgetting anything because he just does it all himself, I would try to start implementing this now if I were you. If by chance he does ask me to do anything he’ll remind me about 70 times and I’ll get snappy but we both know he needs to 🙈

crrrzy · 18/09/2018 00:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

AgentJohnson · 18/09/2018 03:31

On this occasion he martyred himself. He knew you had forgotten and decided to use the opportunity to make you feel shit and him the victim. That deliberate act of hostility is not healthy and can’t be left unchecked because it will escalate.

All you can do is have better systems in place but if he isn’t prepared to take responsibility for his shit, then no amount of calendars will work.

Dry your tears, no one died or came close and don’t afford him the curtesy of beating yourself up for his shitty behaviour.

faithinthesound · 18/09/2018 04:06

Not the same thing exactly, but I've a dyslexic mother who is not very tech savvy at all. It's rare a fortnight goes by without her needing something doing on her computer, and though I show her what I'm doing every time, she just can't remember.

She's asked me on multiple occasions why I never get impatient with her, when she's such a burden on my free time etc.

I said, because I love her, and that she's not a burden.

Your husband wants to give his head a wobble and remember what's important.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 18/09/2018 05:06

It must be frustrating for you both. You rely on the calendar etc, but I'd never put a pin visit on the calendar. Seems just too casual for that.

My dad had a stroke years ago and can't speak and his memory is complete shot and I get frustrated sometimes having to repeat and remind constantly.

Theworldisfullofgs · 18/09/2018 08:33

Yes you can sync phones on wunderlist. We use it for all of us. I got fed up of feeling like a bag and being everyone's memory.
I know it must be frustrating for you. Epilepsy drugs are truly horrible and actually not much research gets done to improve things.

ravenmum · 18/09/2018 08:50

I just have a shit memory - no illess but I can totally forget a conversation - and set myself alarms for everything. I have a smartwatch that vibrates when the alarm comes up and displays the appointment.

In this case, though, your dh was not just being impatient, like someone else said, he was setting you up to fail. Why on earth couldn't he have made dinner, anyway?

It was an appointment at the pub, not to catch a plane fgs.

GraceMarks · 18/09/2018 08:53

While I appreciate that people are trying to be helpful with the suggestions for memory aids, the real issue is that he made you feel shitty and you've been reduced to tears because he behaved like a twat towards you. I understand that it can be frustrating to be around people who forget things all the time, but in this case he could surely see that you'd not remembered he was going out, and as you say, he only needed to just mention it again a bit sooner. Instead, he went off on one because you didn't have his bloody tea on the table in time.

Did he apologise when he got back last night?

YeTalkShiteHen · 18/09/2018 08:56

We've a calendar in the hall. He didn't put this evening on it

Ah so it’s ok when HE forgets something, but not for you? When you have a reason for it?

He’s being really unfair OP.

DP has memory issues (linked to dyslexia) and I don’t get frustrated because I understand he can’t help it.

Just as I have issues processing lots of information at once or get sensory overloaded sometimes because I’m autistic. He understands I can’t help that.

flapjackfairy · 18/09/2018 09:02

Yes he was unreasonable but at the end of the day he is only human and it must get wearing at times. It is no ones fault op and hopefully he said sorry and made it up to you when he got home.
Epilepsy sucks i know as my 4 yr old has it so you have my sympathies.

Miketv · 18/09/2018 09:06

He is being unfair. I think you need to ask him to make sure he puts everything on a shared calendar (or if he's going to be an arse about it, you put it on as soon as he tells you) and use the reminders alarms.

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