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Original poster

Help in understanding her perspective please!

38 replies

Seekingunderstanding · 17/09/2018 20:27

I am in a very new relationship, we have only been together 6 weeks. This weekend we disagreed over something and she broke up with me (lesbian relationship). We have chatted since and have agreed to meet up next weekend to discuss what happened in the hope of continuing the relationship. It seems that neither of us can really fathom the other's perspective and I thought it might be useful to ask for advice in understanding her perspective in advance of meeting up, to help the meeting go more smoothly and increase the chances of us getting back together Smile.

Ok so, we have known each other casually for little over a year, as we have a shared friend group. We have been together for 6 weeks and have seen each other every weekend for those 6 weeks. On Thursday she told me that she would prefer us to see each other every second weekend so she has time for the other people in her life. I felt slightly hurt but it does make sense for me also as I have children and struggle to find time to fit everything in.

When I found out that I wouldn't be spending the weekend with her I contacted my friends to see about seeing them on Saturday night and going dancing. They told me that they were going for a drink in a friends place as it was her birthday then going out dancing. I said great, am feeling a bit ill, working until 6 and maybe having a coffee with my neighbour but will try to come up later.

My gf had mentioned several things about that weekend before I knew we weren't seeing each other. One of them had been going for a drink for this mutual friend's birthday, but other things also. But overall I got the impression that she was wrecked from work and being sick all week and wanted to do nothing and sleep alot for the weekend.

On Saturday I messaged my gf and asked if she would be going to this friends birthday drinks. I said I was working, then meeting my neighbour, and I might come out for a bit later but I might not as I'll be wrecked.

She got really quite angry with me, which took me by surprise. Then broke up with me. Said she didn't think it was just a coincidence that I was going out when she was. I said that if I am not spending the night with her then I have to either meet my friends or just stay home alone for the night, that I can't help that we have the same friend circle, and that I didn't feel it would be likely that she would even see me that night as despite us having the same friend group we next to never bumped into one another as I tend to turn up late and go clubbing with them and she tends to leave early and dislikes the gay club.

Anyway, this is what happened. She said that I don't understand the depth of what I have done. And the thing is I don't. So I am asking for help in seeing it in advance of meeting up with her to see if we can get past this.

Thanks for any advice!

OP posts:
otterturk · 17/09/2018 20:34

Sounds like she has serious cold feet OP. You don't need this.

DontCallMeDaisy · 17/09/2018 20:36

Is there a background of her thinking you are clingy/and or you are moving too fast?

Sounds like she might be trying to take things back a notch and make it more casual. For some reason she wants space from you. If you're not at all stalkerish than she is being unreasonable but if you are guilty of being a bit suffocating then she might have a point?

Either way though, she can't banish you from a mutual friend's birthday drinks. If she doesn't want to see you, she should be the one to see different friends.

CripplingAnxiety · 17/09/2018 20:41

I'm not sure if this helps you at all but I think she might think you have arranged to go out with these friends on purpose, as a way to see her/hang out with her without officially seeing her if that makes any sense?
Imo she's being abit ridiculous considering you do have the same friends so it's obvious you'll be invited to the same gatherings but if I were you (wanting to get the relationship back on track) I'd give this night out a swerve and respect her feelings of wanting to go out without you there but discuss with her (after the night out) that this type of situation is always going to crop up because of your shared friends. However, they are your friends too so you'd be well within your right to attend if your well enough to do so.
Maybe she wants more space but isn't brave enough to just tell you and in turn is angry about the situation rather than angry at you?

EarlyModernParent · 17/09/2018 20:43

This doesn't sound good. I agree that she wants space or to make things casual, which is ok, but the strength of her reaction suggests something more: she may have assumed that the new arrangement would mean she could compartmentalise things. You in one segment of her life and friends/drinks/clubbing in another.

That's a red flag. Are you going to have to check with her before seeing mutual friends on your 'off' weekends?

Don't let her put you on the shelf every other week. Sack her off!

fortyandfrumpy · 17/09/2018 20:51

My guess is she's feeling smothered.

I had a relationship and felt that way. I asked for
a weekend apart and he turned up at my favourite bar. It made me very angry and I broke up with him.

However even if he hadn't I would have broken up with him anyway.

At 6 weeks usually you can't get enough of each other sorry OP

Angelf1sh · 17/09/2018 20:59

I can’t see that you’ve done anything at all to be honest. If she’s dumped you, I’d consider that to be a lucky escape so early on. Her behaviour is utterly bizarre as far as I’m concerned. Even if she did want space from you for a bit, it’s completely unreasonable for her to expect you to not go to a friend’s birthday party just because she is.

Original poster
Seekingunderstanding · 17/09/2018 21:10

Thanks for the replies. It is very confusing to me. I don't think she was going off me. The last time I'd seen her she had told me she really likes me. And after we last saw each other she said she missed me. About that weekend in particular she had said that she wanted to see me but also wanted a quiet weekend. So, no I don't think she was cooling off towards me.

I think maybe she does think that I arranged to go just to see her. She said I hadn't mentioned it before. But I hadn't known that I wasn't spending the weekend with her until Thursday evening so hadn't made any other plans until after that. When she mentioned the birthday before we were both lying in bed together and at that point I assumed we would go together, but even then she sounded very half hearted about going. So I didn't even know if she would be there until I asked her on Saturday afternoon.

I'm definitely not too clingy. Until now we saw each at weekends and just sent a few messages a day. I don't think that excessive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seekingunderstanding · 17/09/2018 21:11

I do think that's it though. She maybe thinks I was trying to see her when she had wanted a weekend alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seekingunderstanding · 17/09/2018 21:14

Btw, I didn't go to the birthday drinks

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 17/09/2018 21:23

What does she mean 'the depth of what you've done'? That's rather dramatic.

My looney-radar is twitching.

HereIgoagainxx · 17/09/2018 21:27

It's like she thinks you stalked her. Huge over-reaction on her part.

Original poster
Seekingunderstanding · 17/09/2018 21:29

I have no idea. And she said the fact that I can't see it is disturbing her.

I guess she feels that she wanted a weekend alone, she planned to go somewhere, I hadn't mentioned it, next thing I say I might go and asked whether she is going, and so now she feels I don't respect her wishes to have alone time and that I am invading her space and maybe being stalkery? So now she thinks I at best don't respect her and at worst am a crazy stalker who needs to spend every weekend with her.

From my side it was simply I either had to go hang with my friends (the lesbians are my only friend group I can go out with, my mama friends all have babies and don't go out in the evenings), or I stay in home alone (I stay home 6 nights a week, I like to go out on Saturday nights). I thought there was little chance of seeing her, I might not go or if I did I would turn up late.

OP posts:
ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 17/09/2018 21:35

Don't bother with meeting up unless you want another few months/years of being controlled and manipulated by this drama queen until you are so exhausted and undermined by constantly having to live up to her expectations and deal with her drama that you give up and dump her, thus becoming the "bad guy".

HTH.

loubeylou68smellsofreindeerpoo · 17/09/2018 21:43

I would go back to being just friends for a while, if the attraction is still there say in 6 months try again. But I had the same with a man I dated years ago, he felt more on his side than I did and that made me feel smothered (even though he probably wasn't excessive) so I ditched him without truly getting to know him. Sometimes you need to let it develop a lot slower

mamansnet · 17/09/2018 21:52

Sounds like a lot of work for a 6 week old relationship.

IME the relationships that work out are the ones where there are no games, or 'needing space' after such a short time.

Sorry, OP. I hope she realises what she's missing out on!

Original poster
Seekingunderstanding · 17/09/2018 21:56

Yes, it does seem very soon to need space. Though I do understand seeking balance in life. We are both very busy and Saturday night and Sunday are our only days off so if we see each other then it kind of excludes doing anything else. So although I absolutely feel it is too soon to need space, I also see that she might need to do other things with her time too.

I feel it would be sad to end things. But at the same time it is clear that this isn't going to be a forever thing. We are quite different and she also only has ever had short relationships in her life.

OP posts:
Sj325 · 17/09/2018 22:02

Doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong.

Do you think it could be control freak behaviour? She can behave how she likes/go out when she wants but wants you to stay at home like a loner?

I once went out with a guy like this, he was out pubbing and clubbing constantly but whenever I mentioned I was going out I’d get loads of snyde digs etc. Basically, he didn’t want me to have a life outside him but he could swan about doing as he pleases.

That relationship didn’t last long either!

popsanddolls · 17/09/2018 22:23

Yep I don't understand what you have done either. Why should you stay in because she wanted a weekend alone? I don't understand what the issue is of you going out. Unless she just wanted a night out with the friends alone to be her and not all coupley. Which if that's the case would of been easier to just say "If rather just have a night out with my friends tonight I didn't want to be all loved up on a night out"

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2018 22:37

She sounds like a drama-fueled huge pain in the arse. Not to mention unhinged and controlling. You really need to rethink pursuing this "relationship." Accept the fact that you are not suited for each other and move on.

BeenThereDone · 17/09/2018 23:47

There is a reason she's only had short relationships....

Hidingtonothing · 18/09/2018 04:03

I think she’s being really unfair and unreasonable, she’d left you with the impression she wanted a quiet weekend, not seemed keen on the idea of the birthday drinks and told you she was going to catch up on sleep so I don’t see how she thinks you were trying to see her by going. It’s pretty conceited and self absorbed to think your plans were ‘all about her’ actually and I’m not sure I’d be able to stop myself telling her that given the opportunity. I think you might be well rid OP Flowers

Djnoun · 18/09/2018 04:15

Agree with ShamelesslyPlacemarking

Monty27 · 18/09/2018 04:23

OP why should anyone have the right to tell you where you can or can't go?
She sounds selfish.

Tattybear16 · 18/09/2018 04:49

What a drama queen, paranoid much, everything is all about her. You’ve done nothing wrong. You deserve much, much better, let her move onto control someone else and enjoy your life. Tell her thanks but you’ve had better, and don’t waste anymore time or energy trying to understand her perspective. 6 weeks of mind games and you’re already questioning what you did wrong, dump her fast and don’t look back.

mamansnet · 18/09/2018 04:54

The 'depth of what you have done' is to show her that, actually, you're ok with not seeing her, that you have friends to spend time with, and you're not going to sit at home pining while she goes out and has fun without you.

When I met my DH we had the same friends (met at work) and for us it was a bonus. We could go out with the group, spend all night talking to other people but still see each other a little bit before going home. Neither of us felt like the spare part hanging out with our partner's friends. Or having to choose if we were going out with my mates or his.

Our relationship grew really naturally as a result and we've now been together over ten years.

You can do so much better, OP! Cut her loose, go out dancing whenever you like and find someone who's worth your time!!

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