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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't understand this behaviour following divorce - can you help?

35 replies

womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 13:18

Help me understand this please.

I have 2 friends who have had acrimonious divorces over the last 3 years. Both were subject to physical, emotional, verbal and financial abuse by high earning men who tried to maintain control after the marriage was over. The situation was always quite clear and in both cases it ended in court and the judges were highly critical of the men's behaviour - in one case only allowing supervised access to the children and in the other the man had to see a psychologist and have parenting and anger management classes.

In both these cases I have been surprised to see friends and relatives of the women take the man's 'side' and offer extensive support, inviting them to events in preference of the women, offering emotional support and help with practical stuff - xmas shopping, collecting dry cleaning etc.

I am friends with the women and have supported them thru the divorces and both have been hurt by this. I can't understand why women are running round after these men and not supporting their friend. I'd rally appreciate it if anyone could help me understand so I can support my friends.

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Joysmum · 17/09/2018 13:24

Perhaps it’s because they see the men as weak and needing help, plus feeling sorry for them re the situation with their kids ad geyser are judging the men’s feelings by their own standards? I can’t imagine how awful it’d be not to see my child or be able to parent her but if these men aren’t me!

Personally I’d fuck the men right off out of there but there’s no accounting for some Confused

Notacluewhatthisis · 17/09/2018 13:27

My mum and dad totally supported my exh. Even after I told them Why I left.

They justification was that they felt they needed to maintain a relationship with him and had to work harder at that, due to us having kids.

Doesn't matter what their justification was. I never felt so alone in my life and they were all friendly with him. It's impact my relationship with my parents. It won't ever be the same again.

CaligulaBlushed · 17/09/2018 13:30

Men are to be mothered and women and meant to mother them, whatever shit gets thrown their way. How awful for a man's wife to stop mothering him, of course he needs somebody to fill the void!

Huskylover1 · 17/09/2018 13:35

Hmm. My friends didn't support me at all through my divorce, and are still friends with my ExH, even though they know what he did (cheat). My very best friend actually shagged my Ex, a few days after I left him. Safe to say, I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

Thankfully, I ditched them all and I do now have a lovely DH.

But there's nothing like a divorce to show you who your real friends are, and mostly people a shite.

Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 13:41

Thanks for your replies. That is what I suspected and dreaded having confirmed.

In one of the cases her mother supported him until I made a very blunt comment. My friends cousin now spends every Sunday with her ex. I find it bizarre.

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Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 13:43

I'm so sorry @Huskylover1 that sounds dreadful. I can't understand such disloyalty. How do these people sleep at night.

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user1492863869 · 17/09/2018 13:47

IME

Some people just don’t take sides on the basis that you never really know what has gone on and it’s usually none of your business. Behind the acrimony you can find tales of affairs that get omitted from one side or the other. So on that basis it’s best to say neutral and not get involved.
And
Some people will support their friend and family member in principle regardless of the circumstances. Although sometimes there can be a limit to how much you truly believe and condone. I have supported friends and family unequivocally but have sometimes thought they were being a tad unreasonable at times or overlooking their own behaviour and failing. But yes, you stick by them and stick up for them. If that means distancing yourself from the ex, so be it. Can’t see why you wouldn’t.

Can’t really say I have ever noticed people behaving as you describe. Perhaps they don’t know what has really gone on and are just staying neutral. They don’t see what you do because they are not as involved with the actual court case. Sometimes people just don’t want to listen to or take in the acrimony from either side. Tbh it can become quite tedious no matter how close you are to somebody.

Hissy · 17/09/2018 13:48

WOW, her MOTHER supported her EX? That's COLD!

no wonder she ended up in an abusive relationship.

I also think that there is a LOT of hideous behaviour from women when one of their own gets divorced - like they are scared they will 'catch the single', getting dumped themselves, or have their own lovely perfect DH run off with that single floozy that their once friend was. I also wonder if a lot of them follow the money.

Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 13:51

The cousin takes the line of 'we don't know all the facts' but they do know he cheated, lied about it, left without warning and refused to say where he was, stalked her, broke into her house to terrorise her, was not allowed to see the children due to aggressive behaviour and had to take parenting classes before he was allowed to see the children again. So I think we know enough facts really. And in this case the man has a very high income that he pays thru various schemes so he whilst he lives in a 6 bed house in north london, he pays very little CS and his ex and kids live in a 3 bed terrace with no garden etc on a busy main road. It just seems so unfair :(

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user1492863869 · 17/09/2018 13:51

Crikey just seen replies. I am gobsmacked. WTAF. I understand neutral but not taking the ex’s side.

Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 13:55

Thanks for your replies, all really interesting.

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PipeTheFuckDown · 17/09/2018 13:58

Urgh. My ExH is an abusive tosser who categorically is NOT allowed to see our child. His family and friends know this. They support him 100% and enable his bullshit posts on social media about how unfair it is etc. Never mind Hospital reports, police reports, the actual court cases that he never showed up to and the Judges ruling Hmm

Baffles me.

Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 14:03

Yes I would understand neutral, especially if you are a family friend or involved with DC so want to maintain good relations with everyone, but this is not that.

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Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 14:04

I am sorry you are your children have had to endure that @PipeTheFuckDown Flowers

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MargoLovebutter · 17/09/2018 14:16

My bet would be that in most instances the men are either full blown narcissists or have narcissist tendencies, so they are charming the pants off everyone they think will be useful (i.e. take their side) and doing the 'poor me' or 'she's a psycho' routine and all the suckers are falling for it.

If they are clever men, they'll be doing it subtly and casting doubt in the minds of those so called 'friends' and it is easier for them to fall for the charm offensive than support their exhausted, beleaguered female friend, who probably isn't much fun or full of charm right now.

Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 14:23

Yes, they both describe their ex wives as 'crazy' and 'psychos' etc. What stirred me up to write this post was a disgusting social media post last night. A woman climbed the barrier at a flyover near us and they shut the road so someone posted on the local facebook group that the road was shut. This awful man posted "I hope it's my ex wife, it'll save me a a fortune and a prison sentence Grin" and people liked the post. I complained to facebook but haven't heard back.

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Musti · 17/09/2018 14:26

That hasn't been my experience at all.

MargoLovebutter · 17/09/2018 14:28

Dating guides all say that descriptions of ex's as "mad, crazy, psycho, evil, mental, unhinged" or any other variation thereof are massive red flags. Perhaps, that message needs to go out to friends too!

PipeTheFuckDown · 17/09/2018 14:32

My ex is a Narc, without a doubt. He does the kicked puppy routine very well.

Pieceofpurplesky · 17/09/2018 14:37

Totally get this! I am a psycho and crazy ex wife according to exh and half the village we live in. It's down to me that our DS has mental health problems, I am a terrible parent and everything he went through was down to me (he cocked up at work which made him stressed).

Mutual/couple friends all took his side due to the lies he spouted - when he cheated on first wife and she kicked him out it was all his fault and he lost all his friends - he was determined to keep them all this time.

His best couple friends (we had been on holiday together etc) wrote me a letter telling me off and that they had taken his side (he wrote the letter with him). Irony is he is now in a long term with wife of the best friend!

After four years all but his very close circle of friends have started to see him as the dick he is!

Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 15:56

I know lots of women have support and kindness during divorce, I am not in any way suggesting this is normal. I saw it 3 years ago and was shocked and have been amazed to see the same situation play out again with a different friend.

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noego · 17/09/2018 16:06

Impression management working overtime. They'll be giving it the sales talk to these women and blaming your female friends for their behaviour. Typical narcissistic trait.

Gingercat9 · 17/09/2018 16:27

I am going through this at the moment. Years of emotional, psychological, financial, sexual abuse and control. It is going to go all the way at court, the whole nine yards.....me heart goes out to any woman who has to endure this. Hugs to everyone xx

springmachine · 17/09/2018 17:18

This happened to me.
Family realised very quickly just how damaging it was to me for them to be like that.
The friends that stayed friends with him I ditched.
I've needed help to get over it as it made me question whether I was the guilty party in some ways

Original poster
womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 17:45

Thank you to everyone who has shared their story, it is very hard to comprehend.

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