I don't understand this behaviour following divorce - can you help?

[womanintrousers]

Help me understand this please.

I have 2 friends who have had acrimonious divorces over the last 3 years. Both were subject to physical, emotional, verbal and financial abuse by high earning men who tried to maintain control after the marriage was over. The situation was always quite clear and in both cases it ended in court and the judges were highly critical of the men's behaviour - in one case only allowing supervised access to the children and in the other the man had to see a psychologist and have parenting and anger management classes.

In both these cases I have been surprised to see friends and relatives of the women take the man's 'side' and offer extensive support, inviting them to events in preference of the women, offering emotional support and help with practical stuff - xmas shopping, collecting dry cleaning etc.

I am friends with the women and have supported them thru the divorces and both have been hurt by this. I can't understand why women are running round after these men and not supporting their friend. I'd rally appreciate it if anyone could help me understand so I can support my friends.

Exactly this happened to me. Ex was incredibly abusive, bullied the dc and when pulled up on it refused to see them and blamed them/me. Friends who what he did to me and actually saw him with the dc (and how he treated them) took his side! It was a horrible time and led to terrible depression. He would message me stuff that 'everyone was saying about me' and then pull the hurt nice guy act with everyone else.

I've moved on but the betrayal still cuts deep and I keep new friends at arms length now. I find it very hard to trust people. My friends from school and university have been amazing so I trust them but struggle to make new friends.

Bet cousin fancies the ex and is determined to not believe he's a wanker. Much easier to believe the rich man you fancy is actually the victim regardless of facts.

Do kept us updated when she starts dating him!

Internalised misogyny, I think.

My friends ex was verbally abusive towards her when he turned up at her fathers funeral uninvited. My DH escorted him out and was told off by her family who said "he is just upset leave him alone" - and allow him to verbally abuse a woman at her fathers funeral?!

*@Thingsdogetbetter * that is so depressing :( but maybe - at least it would explain it.

This sound so much like my experience it is unreal. But the not taking sides when he had cheated and lied and I had done nothing really hurt me. Now that he has been caught doing the same thing all over again I hope they might see the light or realise they backed the wrong horse, but he will probably manage to lie or manipulate his way into looking like the victim again

@category12 totally agree

Thanks to everyone who commented on this. I am still utterly confused but it helps my friend to see she is not alone, and certainly not at fault.

This happened to me too! My ex was an arse to me for many years, everyone knew what he was like - my friends, our mutual friends, his family too, my ex SIL used to tell me she had no idea how I put up with him! When the relationship finally ended this was all forgotten and I was the evil bitch for upsetting him!!!

This hasn't been my experience at all. Case in point:

The DH of a mum at primary school had an affair with her bestie, a mum at the same primary school. Each has 2 DC in the same classes. DH and OW leave then set up home round the corner. Deserted mum loses several stone. Happy couple attend school events ostentatiously wrapped around each other.

No one forgave the husband. Or OW either. For a couple of years whenever the pair of them arrived in the playground there was frost in the air. The deserted wife got all the support. It was a horrible situation.

The other divorces in my circle have been less dramatic but in all cases but one the wife was the innocent party and got all the support.

The only case I've known where the DH got strong support, from some people at least, was when the reason for the split really was 50:50. Both behaved as badly as each other. During the divorce it got quite daft. There was definitely a sense of Team Him versus Team Her.