Is this going to get better, and is my love life over - divorce related

[recluse]

Hi

Have been through a traumatic divorce, and though we haven’t got the absolute yet (nisi being pronounced today!!), ex moved out in April, after 9 or 10 awful months of living in the same house.

I still feel terrible in many ways though, and it isn’t helped by the fact that my ex and I are not on good terms at all (he was horrible during the divorce, and continues to be awful when anything to do with money comes up), and he is in the house for half of every Saturday to be with the dc - long story.

Too much to go into here, but basically, at 49 I kind of feel done for. I have 3 secondary school aged kids who are with me all the time, and I deal with everything. One of my dc has OCD which really impacts her school attendance. Another is going through a difficult phase, and while being needy, can also be extremely stubborn and rude.

I have just started a maternity cover job and am now out of the house for about 10.5 hours a day (I know that’s normal), then come home to find that no one has put anything away and that they are all languishing on their devices.

One of our guinea pigs had to be put down yesterday , and ex, though asked to by dd, did nothing to help.

I just feel that any semblance of a life where I might be able to get into another relationship is over. I am now at the stage where if there is a free seat on the tube, considerate younger men ask me if I want it before going to sit there themselves (twice in the last week).

My life feels completely practical and utilitarian, completely beset by responsibilities only, and I wonder who the fuck is going to want me now.

And when I think how many years I remained in my affectionless marriage, to only be followed by more of the same afterwards, it makes me feel sad.

Ex, on the other hand, got together with someone (I don’t know if they are still together) extremely quickly and while we were in the same house - extremely quickly and obviously bastard.

And despite the fact that my reasons for divorcing ex were more than valid, and that he was emotionally abusive, he is the one that I would still want - I look around and fancy no one.

It all feels like a mess, and I feel as if my life is kind of over. I know I am lucky in many ways, but is the rest of my life really going to be a long practical plod, with no romance in it at all?

And now it looks as if ex may be temporarily renting a room in the house next door - hopefully not.

Just wondering if anyone has any pearls of wisdom .

You need to set some rules with your kids. Go through the stuff that needs to be done and set a timetable. Allocate them each certain jobs every week. I'd probably do both carrots and sticks. Certain things they have to do or they get stuff taken away (e.g. no credit top ups etc) but maybe also some pocket money for jobs done well.

Give yourself time to do things you enjoy - gym, clubs, going out etc every week. If you want to start dating go on dating sites or look at local singles events. Start having fun and ignore your toxic ex.

Thanks. Yes I agree with the rules thing, it is just that I find it very hard to implement, and my middle dc’s OCD gets in the way of a lot of stuff.

I also agree that carving out time for me will be the only way I will get it - for the moment though I can’t get past the firefighting.

With regards to my ex, sadly he seems to be the only person I have feelings for . The thing about men is that I can’t see anyone being interested in me. I spent all those years being ignored in my marriage, but maybe if I had got out then, I would have stood more chance of meeting someone else? I was terrified of doing it however, and with good reason, as it did turn out to be as awful as I thought it would be.

Again this morning someone got up for me on the tube - I thought it was because he was getting off at the next stop but he wasn’t so I gave him his seat back (which he promptly gave to another person) .

I know he was being kind, but genuinely, is this the only attention I am going to get from men now. Maybe it is.

That was meant to be a blushing face emoji after the seat on tube episode.

I hear you. We have the same life. I'm resigned to seeing my kids through life now. Their lives are so messed up by MH issues prior and post divorce that I have resigned myself to the carer role with no intimate relationship on the horizon for me. Tbh I'm disillusioned with relationships anyway, I can't be bothered anymore.

OCD is incredibly hard to live with. No one really understands it unless they see how it impacts the whole family. Feel free to message me OP. I have a pretty good idea what you're going through x

It is absolutely going to get better. The feelings for your ex will fade, your children will grow and be more independent. People are probably offering you seats because they can see your stress and exhaustion in your face, it’s not permanent. Finding someone new is all about attitude, when you are ready, it will show and men will find you attractive. That why your awful ex found someone new, not because he’s more attractive, but because he went looking and put out those signals. Men probably are giving you those signals right now, but the way you feel, you only see what you expect to see, which is people reacting to your pain. Give yourself time, people can find love, or just sex and fun, at any age.

Hi OP. I am early 50s and similar to you - H has already set up his new woman prior to leaving and I felt very emotionally neglected during our 23 year relationship (married 17 years). I've 2 DC at college/uni and still doing all the housework etc whilst trying to get them to do more. My H is not abusive but was quite controlling in a subtle way - if that makes sense? To the outside world our lives were perfect.

But I wasn't deep down happy and sadly turned to alcohol ,( now stopped that) which was his reason for leaving. He's been a bit shit since leaving (3 months) but things have picked up a bit now. Despite everything, I too can only see myself with him and find it hard not to yearn for the past. Life feels empty and I often feel that I am.just filling time. I sometimes don't want the DC to do their chores so I have something "to do" in the evening!

So I totally get where u are coming from. Agree with others 're trying to get some sort of schedule organised - can you speak frankly but kindly with them about this? I did with mine and they are slowly starting to do things unprompted - usually putting on the dishwasher or washing machine with 3 things in it but it's a start!

It'll probably get harder before it gets easier or better but it will be worth it. Don't keep coming up with reasons and excuses not to change stuff otherwise nothing will change (I mean this kindly xx).

Invest time and money in yourself. If you're doing so much for everyone else it's unlikely that you're keeping fit and buying nice clothes, getting your hair done etc. You have no joy and fun in your life and that's not being a good role model for your children. Show them that everyone needs to pull their weight as well as have some fun and to look after themselves.

It will get better but it will take a while . Believe it or not there will be women on here who think "she is lucky as she has children at home " . I was older than you when it happened to me and was on my own - kids off my hands . That is hard too . Your kids need to realise that you are working and everyone has to do their share - and remember kids with 2 parents at home do the same crappy stuff ! It really is far too soon to find men attractive - it takes a while and I was glad to see the back of mine . I like what someone has said about looking after yourself for a while . Your life will not be like this forever , believe me . I am in such a changed position now - one that I would never have imagined even a year ago . It's good for you to write this down though here - get it out . It's normal !

What you’re feeling is normal. You’re still not free of your previous relationship to be in the right headspace for romance to come along. You’re still getting used to a different kind of life, but haven’t let the old one go properly yet, partly thru circumstances (divorce only just sorted) and partly inadvertently (said you still love ex even though he’s an abusive). You need to give it time, even another year or longer, before things settle down and you can feel free, happy, content. You’ve started that process, it’s a step.

For me, timeline was Christmas one year marriage over and ex moved out. Amicable as it could be, with no other parties involved, but still conflict at times going thru the process. That first year was about sorting the financial split, kid arrangements (I have them 90% of the time and that year one was barely at school for 6 months due to longterm illness now resolved) and towards the end about what I wanted my life to be from then. Christmas the next year tried online dating, met someone the polar opposite of my ex but realised within 6-8 weeks he was NOT a keeper. After that made more of an effort to get fitter and be more healthy, and made myself try new activities and social groups even when I didn’t want to. Later that year tried online dating again, met a guy who became a friend (we used to walk our dogs at the beach together and catch up to chat every other weekend), and a few months after that met my now partner. We’ve been together a few years, and first met when I was mid 40s. He’s early 50s and hadn’t been in a long term relationship for almost 10 years when we met.

It does happen, but it can’t be rushed. Take things slowly, don’t expect too much of yourself right now. Things will settle down eventually. 💐

A wise counsellor once said to me many years ago when I was trying to detach myself from an emotionally abusive twunt of an exh "it takes a long time to stop "loving" someone and even longer to stop loving our image of the perfect life we could have had together".

Find a way of getting out on your own, do a class, take up a new hobby, change your hairstyle/colour and the way you dress.
The kids will grow up, you will have a better life

OP, 49 is a bit of a shit age even if you’re not dealing with a divorce. You’re probably in the perimenopause, which tends to come along accompanied by its pals - fatigue, insomnia and depression - at the very time that you’re coping with difficult teenagers.
Cut yourself some slack. Accept that things may well be a bit shit for this transitional year while you get through the divorce, but believe that they will improve once you’ve come to terms with it all.
Don’t rush to start dating, especially while you still have hankerings for your ex. Learn to be happy in your own space, take pride in managing on your own. Develop some interests or hobbies. This all makes you less needy when you do seek a new partner.
Decide which chores your DC should be doing and speak to them about it. They need to learn how to be independent too, and chores are life skills they must acquire.
Good luck with accomplishing all the changes. Yes, it’s hard work, but focus on what you want in the long term, and work towards that.
You will get there, and your new life will be worth living.
But only you can “make it so”, as Picard would say on Star Trek Next Gen! God bless, OP.

Yes, you probably look as knackered as you feel, hence the kind offers of a seat!

Were you not working before? It's exhausting when you start work after a break even in the best of circumstances. At least you've got the dreadful phase of living together apart behind you, but otherwise of course you feel like crap! Who wouldn't?

Doesn't mean it will stay that way, though. Once you've settled in a bit at work and you get used to the new routine, think about starting to do some more stuff for you. Things that are not work and childcare. Your kids are old enough to make their own dinner a few nights a week while you go out for drinks, go clothes shopping, go jogging or whatever.

Forget new relationships for at least a year or two. Your ex is clearly so desperate that he will take whoever comes along first rather than waiting and choosing - he is evidently inacapable of living on his own, and so shallow that he can just drop a long-term partner and switch to a new one instantly. Why would you want to copy his antics?

Have a chat to the doctor if you haven't already, btw, as it's easy to fall into depression under all that stress - and also easy to think that tiredness etc. is due to the stress when it's actually also caused by the low iron levels, hormonal issues etc that we have at that age.

I'll make it easy for you:

ACCEPT that you will always have feeling for the father of your children. It never goes even though you would never ever want them back. You have a bond that is above and beyond anything you can consciously control. Don't fight it. Try to see him as family, the family fuckwit is necessary, but we can't choose our family.

Men always move on quickly. Men need to be coddled, if not by their mother or you, then by the next one.

You're literally a few steps away from the inner foxy fothermucker you really are! I prescribe a lush bath, deep condition, tan, glam make up and a sassy walk! You are NOT invisible if you choose to make yourself visible but its up to you to do that.

Also, all teenagers are selfish arses. This bit you just have to go with a little. You didn't die when you got divorced and you got divorced because you wanted to be free to be yourself and maybe meet someone else.... so set the wheels in motion! 😊

One man soap opera your post has massively helped me, I know it’s not my thread but thanks!

I'm glad Ooglies 😊

Hi OP

I shied away from replying because I thought I was only going to you a long list of entirely obvious things you should do if you lived your life like a daytime drama. Like others have said it is hard to get not just get over a love but also the loss of life and a future.

Be easy on yourself at 50 it’s hard to get that jiggy feeling even if you aren’t getting over heartbreak. I don’t get many random lusty feelings and I have tried The Bodyguard, Poldark, anything Clooney and so on. I think we are more tuned to emotional love. Hell don’t a lot of women our age switch to women for just that reason 🤷‍♀️

But the thing is, you are noticing men and their reaction to you. I would have been just happy to get the seat and not cared why they gave it to me. You care about your appearance and that means you are putting toes in the water so to speak. So you are on your way.

Re the list of practical advice,
Do one thing for yourself this week that is vain and self affirming. Personally I would tell the kids that they have forfeited pockets money and use it for a pamper. My suggestion for a boost, subtle lash extensions. They don’t need to be TOWIE and they work like a face lift if paired with nicely shaped brows. Next week, buy some retinol cream (it’s worth it) with their forfeit. They will soon learn and either way you are getting a win.
And
Start planning your holiday for next year and by that I mean one that you want to do not Centre Parcs or anything child / teen centred. The ex can do the kids holiday in true Disney dad fashion. Go full Shirley valentine and let them huff, they will anyway.

Thanks so much for all your messages - I have re-read them several times today.

I was going to reply in more detail, but will do it tomorrow as am too tired.

Just to answer some of the questions and to respond to your kind messages.

This job does start after a break in the sense that my last one finished at the end of July, and that one was 4 days a week, whereas this one is full time. It’s also a further commute so yes, knackering for the moment.

Thinking about it, I thought it might seem as if I am resentful of being with the kids all the time - I do realise I am lucky. During the divorce I was terrified that I would end up “kicked out” and not able to see them at all. Due to ex’s current living arrangements however, they are with me all the time, and I now feel guilty about how little they see him. That’s not my fault however (trough I am sure he thinks it is), and will change once he is more settled (am scared of that too - that they love it so much at his eventual new place that they go there for however many days a week, but then decide to stay there permanently 😱).

Yes it does seem that men move on very quickly, and yes why would I want to copy those “antics”. It was just the callousness with which he did it - so immediately (where even did he find her ) while in the same house, endless very late phone calls, showering getting ready to go out. I even heard the words of one of the calls, and he was literally “setting up” the next person. It was extremely painful, and I agree that it’s shallow. Whether he is still with her, I don’t know. We did have an argument (about child maintenance) in which I brought up the subject of his new relationship - not related to child maintenance - but as usual he couldn’t be direct or honest about anything, and was sarcastic and taunting, trying to somehow make out I was an idiot.

And yes he does feel very familiar - the “family fuckwit” . Achingly familiar, and I don’t think I am ever going to feel like that about anyone else. We met 22 years ago, actually almost 23, got together straight away, and then married 6 years later. We met as much younger people, and I think you hold the memory of who you were, that youthfulness (he is older than me, and was 39 to my 27 when we met, but looking at photos, we both look like babies), and the passion that used to be there. I don’t think that can be replicated now, at my current life stage, but maybe I am wrong. I do agree that hormones dictate a lot, but then again people in their late 40s and upwards do get together - so it must be possible? I suppose it is more to do with meeting people, and getting to know them. I am quite shy in a way, which doesn’t help.

Still, no one will be my ex. I agree that it takes a long time to stop loving that person - despite the horrible way he has sometimes / often behaved.

I also accept that this is my life stage - I am not on my 20s/30s, so I suppose that things will be different. But yes, I must look knackered on the tube (I feel knackered anyway).

To the poster who said that she feels that her role is now to care for her kids and get them through life, yes that’s how I feel too, and I really recognise that. It was you @BackInTheRoom, and I will PM you about the OCD, I am sorry your family is going through similar.

in my 20s / 30s

I also appreciate that there are other people who find themselves in a similar situation to me - after years of a loveless marriage (mine was definitely on the decline after 10 / 11 years, and the last 5 or 6 have been harder and harder, with little to no affection), you then find yourself still alone - it’s not as if life is now suddenly going to present me with this new, understanding, affectionate person. On the other hand people have said that it does get better, so who knows.

Of course it's possible. My nanna married for the third time at age 80, I'm planning to keep up the family tradition . I separated at 45 (he had an affair and wouldn't admit it, but like yours seemed to delight in making it bloody obvious). I didn't launch back into dating immediately - we'd also been together two decades - but started OLD and soon had my first bf after all that time. It was amazing - short-lived but so much fun after all the bloody crap. Went back OLD again at 48 and have now met another totally unsuitable but excellent boyfriend. At the same time the kids have grown and flown the nest, I've taken up old hobbies and tried new ones, go out a lot more, am sportier (separation weight loss helped!), and feel more like the old me, before I even met exh. Like an independent person again, who has ideas and does what she wants.

I am not planning to even move in together with anyone right now; I kind of imagined I would, but this is actually nice now as it is. Maybe at 80 I'll find myself another husband.

"Family fuckwit" describes how I see my ex now to a T 😂